WARNING: THE VIEWS AND IDEAS EXPRESSED IN THIS INTERVIEW ARE MANLY-MAN’S. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
I had the most disagreeable time interviewing Manly-Man recently. We covered a whole host of topics.
Manly-Man is a character from the Punchy Lands. More can be found about him here. He is absolutely obsessed with manliness, and his grammar is really…well, atrocious.
1. What is your worldview?
MM: I’s a Manliest. I believe that everything should be as manly as possible, and when it ain’t, it should be destroyed. And I’s mean everything. If a politician ain’t manly – you oughta kill’s them. Same thing with this earth day stuff…why is there an earth day when there ain’t a manly day? If earth is sick, it oughta be manly and get well. Manliests believe that if it ain’t manly, it don’t deserve to survive.
2. What is the most valuable lesson you have learned?
MM: Long time ago, there was someone in my ways, and so I shot ‘em – cause they weren’t manly. But then it turned out they survived and they’s come back and took me to jail. Course me being so manly, I broke out. But it taught me a valuable lesson that when someone ain’t manly and you decide to shoot them–finish the job. If a tax collector come and you’s don’t want to pay taxes – kill ‘em. And make sure you does it all the way so they don’t be un-manly and tattle on you.
3. You find yourself in the following situation: While driving down an abandoned road, a singular looking person is hitchhiking. What do you do?
MM: I’s would pull over and say to em, “What you doin’, honeybutts? Why you need a ride?” And if I like their answer, I’s let em in, and if I don’t, then I drive on. If they’s try to attack me, then I’s would kill ‘em and drive on. Cause, I’s crazy, lazy, manly.
4. Would you rather a good book, a good movie, or something else?
MM: I’s would want something more manly, like a honeybutts to punch.
5. What is your favorite game, and why? (Board game, preferably.)
MM: I’s like manopoly. It’s the manly version of monopoly, when manly people play it. The great thing about it is that it’s so manly that the loser is taken out and strung up– unless he’s manly enough to get away. And since I’s the manliest, I’s always get away. But that’s why nobody plays with me and that makes me angry. And when I’s get angry, I’s get lazy, and when I’s get lazy I’s get crazy, and when I’s get crazy, I’s get so manly that I go out and string up a couple hundred un-manly people. By the way, honeybutts, is you manly? Cause I’s angry. And when I get angry…
Okay…well, thanks for your time, Manly-Man…