Ripping Book Review—The Lost World

WARNING: Ripping Book Reviews are solely the judgments of Professor VJ Duke on an unlucky book that has caused him much repulsion—in one way or another. Therefore, blame must be put on the professor and nobody else. With that in mind, read on—if you are brave enough to take it.

THE LOST WORLD by ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

Doyle and I have had it out before in the arena. On that fateful day (Doyle lost), The White Company was ripped to such a degree that Mark Twain smiled in his grave. Truly.

But today—this fateful day in the arena—Doyle and I meet again; this time for an even severer ripping, for he has dared to show his face again after his defeat—an un-manly thing to do indeed.

Enough of this silliness!

Onward with the ripping.

The Lost World opens with a rather interesting description. I’d like to share it with you:

Mr. Hungerton, her father, really was the most tactless person upon earth—a fluffy, feathery, untidy cockatoo of a man, perfectly good-natured, but absolutely centered upon his own silly self.

Now, this is an interest. Mr. Hungerton is good-natured, but he’s self-centered. In other words, he possesses a pleasant disposition, but he tends to concentrate selfishly on his own needs and shows little interest in those of others. A contradiction? Absolutely. But it’s better than that. It’s a Doyle Contradiction. One of the best.

It can be definitely considered an omen when a Doyle Contradiction is found in the first sentence on the first page of one of his novels.

But I ignored it, and read on.

Presently, we come upon a scene. Edward Malone (the protagonist, I suppose) is trying to win his lady friend’s heart. But he is failing. She is completely uninterested in him. And, unfortunately, this is the story for Malone.

You know how I say things are an interest? Well, Malone is an un-interest. The first of his kind, I believe.

Anyway, Gladys—Malone’s lady friend—wants Malone to impress her with an adventure or something. Something that will make her worship him. A tall task indeed. Especially for the un-interest. Nevertheless, though, he sets about it. Hence, an adventure; hence, the premise of the novel.

We can incur from this that Doyle struggled making up his mind—a common problem with Doyle. You see, Doyle wasn’t sure how he was going to get Malone to go on an adventure. It was a tricky business. But Doyle finally figured it out.

Gladys would want Malone to go on an adventure, to prove himself. Ah! That would work. And it did. I must say, Malone found an adventure nicely wrapped, packaged, and delivered by the incredible Doyle himself, who is always looking after his un-interests.

Now, we get to Professor Challenger, the creature who takes Malone on the adventure. Why creature, you may ask? Well, here’s a description. You know how descriptions affect this professor:

His appearance made me gasp… …His head was enormous, the largest I have ever seen upon a human being… …He had the face and beard which I associate with an Assyrian bull; the former florid, the latter so black as almost to have a suspicion of blue… A huge spread of shoulders and a chest like a barrel were the other parts of him which appeared above the table, save for two enormous hands covered with long black hair.

Of course, this presents a very specific picture to the professor, and I’m sure it does to you as well.

Unfortunately, Doyle has done this professor a great injustice here. I assure you, professors do not look like hairy, thickset, beasts. I promise. I wouldn’t lie. But Doyle? He would contradict himself—which he did.

Eventually, Challenger and Malone—and some other dull characters—depart for an expedition. They come to a plateau in the Amazon basin of South America where prehistoric animals are present. They also find ape-men. No doubt relatives of Challenger’s.

I meant that as a joke, but Doyle didn’t. This is what he had to say:

Then one of them [i.e. ape-men] stood out beside Challenger… …I couldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. This old ape-man—he was their chief—was a sort of red Challenger, with every of our friend’s beauty points, only just a trifle more so. He had the short body, the big shoulders, the round chest, no neck, a great ruddy frill of a beard, the tufted eyebrows…

Aha! We have another example of a Doyle Contradiction here! Professor Challenger is supposedly the smartest man on the expedition, but, what is this? He looks like an ape-man? Does Doyle consider him a link between some un-interest like Malone and an ape-man? I’m afeared that he does. And this, is a Doyle Contradiction. The smartest man is a link, which means he is a little smarter than the ape-men and a little less intelligent than Malone. Of course, that can’t be true since Malone is quite dull. Duller than a rock, I would suppose. In fact, Malone probably has the intelligence of one of the ape-men but not the looks. Challenger has the looks but not the intelligence.

Hmm…

Now I shall give you an example of Malone’s supreme dullness. Malone meets a dinosaur:

A great dark shadow disengaged itself and hopped out into the clear moonlight. I say ‘hopped’ advisedly, for the beast moved like a kangaroo… …It was of enormous size and power, like an erect elephant… …this beast had a broad, squat, toad-like face…

Malone thought this an iguanodon; I thought it was a Doyle-o-don. How Malone could think otherwise is a great mystery to me. I do think that a kangaroo/elephant/toad-headed creature should be an object of scorn, not trepidation.

But Malone is scared of the toad-faced Doyle-o-don. I think we must give credit to Doyle for inventing a new dinosaur.

Well, more could be ripped, but… I do believe Doyle has been defeated—again. Maybe a sequel ripping in the future?

What can we expect from an author whose work is reminiscent of the works of H.G. Wells (a rip to come soon) and Jules Verne?

I do believe that they took all of Doyle’s fantasies, molded them together into a package, and produced Conan the Barbarian.

Just a thought.

An incredible thought.

A scary thought.

 

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31 Responses to “Ripping Book Review—The Lost World”


  1. 1 vengeance4 July 22, 2013 at 01:30

    Have you read Phantom of the Opera?? While I love the story, I would love to see how many contradictions you could come up with in that book!!! As for this rip, makes me want to read it.
    Postscript: Conan the Barbarian is a good bloody release when you’re having a bad day.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2013 at 11:05

      I have, but it was such a long time ago! This professor must reread it and then rip it. I’ll put it on the schedule.

      By all means, read The Lost World. And then let me know what you think!

      I like that: A good blood release! :)

  2. 3 L. Marie July 17, 2013 at 16:20

    Wow. I’m enjoying the interchange here in the comments. :-) I’ve read the Sherlock Holmes books, but never read Lost World. Unfortunately, I read Michael Crichton’s Lost World.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke July 17, 2013 at 16:22

      It can get quite interesting at times! :D I think this professor needs to give Sherlock a try. I read Crichton too, but I can hardly remember it. Twas bad?

  3. 5 ladycheetah7 July 16, 2013 at 19:53

    Doyle-a-don…lol. I enjoyed this rip. Great afternoon pick me up before my conference call.

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 22:36

      Thank you, Lady! Doyle-a-don…struck me odd too!

  4. 7 krugthethinker July 16, 2013 at 15:24

    Hahaha! There is so little time, and so many books to be ripped. This reminds me very much of my painful high school experience of being forced to read The Last of the Mohicans. Uggghhhh. It was taken off the reading list the next year, I think, adding insult to injury. Mark Twain has already ripped James Fenimore Cooper a new one, but if you could stomach even one chapter of that monstrosity of a novel, I bet it would be a funny ripping review!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 15:27

      Ah, you’re right! Twain has ripped that! (I’m proud of your Twain knowledge–but you’re part of the Punchy Family.) Just for you, I shall get it and rip it. It may take a while though…

      (The background photo is straight above Mr. Magi’s cave!)

  5. 9 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 15:08

    :lol: Where to begin??

    Malone is not an un-interest! He’s a charming, good-looking, adventurous young man with a warm and romantic nature – almost Darcy-ish in his style.

    I’m so sorry you find the Professor so unattractive, since I’ve always imagined you to look much like him…

    So…you’re scared of Bob the Cat but not of an erect hopping elephant with a toad’s head?? A likely story, ye tim’rous wee beastie!!

    Of course the ape-man and the most intelligent man on earth look alike – haven’t you been paying attention?? Male evolution really hasn’t moved on at all! Now had Professor Challenger been a woman…

    I do like the idea of a Doyle-o-don, though…

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 15:24

      Ah, so Darcy’s an un-interest too! Very interesting. But I had supposed it.

      *double gulp & a flutter of the heart* You think I look like that beast? Well, of all the dadblamest things to say! One day, you shall see how you were mistaken! (I have my own picture of you as well!) ;)

      Yes, Bob is a scare. But the Doyle-o-don? I imagine it looked quite close to Doyle himself.

      What to say here? I’m sure I really don’t know. Of course, you are a HP fan, a Darby fan, a chocolate lover, a Chinese fan, and worse yet, a Doyle fan, so maybe I understand this? No, I don’t think I do. But you’re right–in a sense. Darby, Andy, and even Rafa, are still developing.

      Darby likes to swim in dirty ponds like a beast. And Andy and Rafa enjoy jumping around a court like monkeys chasing balls like dogs…

      But I assure you, not all men are like that. Why, look at the professor! A stunning specimen of beauty, brawn, and brain–to be sure!

      • 11 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 16:33

        Clearly, you’re simply jealous of Darcy, Darby, Andy, Rafa et al…and frankly, who can blame you (apart from Dad obviously). I was mistaken earlier – some men have evolved. Others…not so much. I wouldn’t be so rude as to say which category you fall into…I expect you can guess, though. ;)

        Yes Professor Challenger is a stunning specimen – what a shame you deny being like him. Another fantasy destroyed! Dadblameit!*

        *Is that an American expression? Or just a Professorish one??

      • 12 deanthefish July 16, 2013 at 16:46

        Dad-blamed, I believe is how you have to google it… only our dear Prof. appends “it” as part of the word and neglects the hyphens. It is an
        American substitute for a less savory (or more, depending on you inclination) word beginning with the same letter.

      • 13 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 17:01

        No, this professor isn’t jealous of beasts–of that I assure you. I hate to break this to you–but I bet you already know–while some men have evolved, all women suffer from not having done so.

        Of course, THIS professor (not that silly excuse of one) is highly evolved–in most aspects. But you, young lady, have the vexing problem (I was quite shocked to learn this) of a moustache!

        I do believe that it’s a professorish expression. Did you know that professorish is a professorish expression? One day I shall make everything quite clear to you.

        I’m almost positive that BigSister would enjoy this review; bring her over; let her feel the hate. :D

      • 14 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 17:19

        Deanthefish, you mean…the Professor has been…swearing?!? Well, I never would have believed it! :shock:

        Would Twain have sworn in front of a lady – even one with a moustache? I think not! Darcy most certainly wouldn’t but then he’s gorgeous a gentleman!

      • 15 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 17:25

        Frankly, Prof, women didn’t need to evolve – they were naturally superior since time began.

        My moustache only appeared when I started reading Twain – an unfortunate side-effect and a jolly good reason to read him sparingly, if you ask me!

        The problem with BigSister is that since she can’t master a simple smiley, and took over two months to find her way to my blog, I’m not at all sure if I could explain to her how to mosey on over here…

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 17:39

        FF, you’re just plumb naughty! I wonder…

        At first, you thought this professor looked like Mr. Magi, then Prof Challenger, now what do you see? ;)

      • 17 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 17:52

        6′ 2″, broad shoulders, melting brown eyes, riding boots, wet shirt…

        Oh, silly me! I was confusing you with Darcy for a moment…ah well, a girl can dream ;)

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 17:54

        :lol: I thought you were a woman!

      • 19 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 20:10

        Did you? That’s nice – I thought you thought that I’m an ancient overly-plump chocolate-guzzling moustachioed hag :cry:

        (Did I make you feel really guilty there?)

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 22:38

        No, the professor knows exactly what you look like! ;)

        I felt sad at first, then I remembered that you thought I looked like Prof Challenger and Gandalf…and Dumby?

      • 21 FictionFan July 17, 2013 at 01:23

        But…I like all three of them! In fact, I’d go so far as to say they’re my heroes (well, some of my heroes – I’ve got quite a lot…)

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke July 17, 2013 at 12:14

        I know you do! ;)

    • 23 deanthefish July 16, 2013 at 17:32

      Don’t you worry. It’s usually considered humorous over here and an enigma elsewhere… I guess. I think it’s a great workaround!

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 17:33

        By ‘over here’ he means in the PL. You see, it’s very much so professorish.

    • 25 deanthefish July 16, 2013 at 17:43

      :\

      • 26 deanthefish July 16, 2013 at 17:45

        Aw… come on! That should be a smiley!

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 17:46

        No, only some punctuations have the privilege of turning into smileys! ;)

  6. 28 deanthefish July 16, 2013 at 13:26

    I generally don’t mind Irish authors. But yes, Doyle is the exception.

    • 29 Professor VJ Duke July 16, 2013 at 15:25

      Good ol’, dean. Always count on you to rip something or somebody. :) I do believe Doyle was a Scot…But maybe they disowned him?

      • 30 FictionFan July 16, 2013 at 16:26

        No, we did not! :mad:

      • 31 deanthefish July 16, 2013 at 16:41

        :)


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