Circumstances: The Apple Tree

Circumstances is a study of how several completely different Punchy Landers react when presented with the exact same situation. Interestingly enough, I usually identify with one of the PLers; meaning, I could see myself behaving just as they did in that specific circumstance!

If you would like more information on certain PL characters, ‘hover’ over The Hut page. A dropdown menu will appear. (The professor is still in the process of building this vexing list. I fear it will be quite huge when finished.)

So, without more ado, let it commence…

SITUATION: A small apple tree is perfectly bare. Hasn’t produced a single apple. The gall, after all the work, time, and love that was invested into its betterment…

Punchy Lander #1: Schwarz Tauptinker. Schwarz makes his home in America of the Punchy Lands. He moves around quite frequently, so his residence is constantly changing. Schwarz is tall, muscular, and quite dull.

Schwarz stared at the apple tree quizzically.

“You know,” he said, shaking his head, “don’t know. I really can’t understand why the chicky it doesn’t give me some apples. Why won’t it do? Don’t know.”

Schwarz moved around the tree, inspecting every inch.

“Maybe an apple is hiding somewhere? Maybe I overlooked it in my zeal to find one? Don’t know.”

Schwarz inspected the tree for another hour—at least.

“Well, nothing. Okay, then. I’ll just have to eat the leaves. Apple leaves must be tasty.”

Schwarz picked all the leaves off the tree, and went off to make a pie.

The tree perished the next day.

Punchy Lander #2: Fats Henry. Henry owns Fat Man Island. He’s a very, very large man—in complete agreement with his name. Henry is loud, obnoxious, and quite brazen.

“Dumb, stupid, dumb tree!” Henry fumed, looking at his only hope for something sweet. “Why haven’t you given me an apple, huh? I’ve been waiting for so long, and I want one real badly!”

Of course, the tree didn’t answer, which seemed to vex Henry all the more.

“Oh yeah?!”

Henry gave the tree a walloping kick.

“There you go, you stupid, dumb thing! But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.”

Henry searched the whole tree—from top to bottom—in search of an apple.


“Okay, ultimatum, you dumb, stupid tree! You have five seconds to produce an apple before I destroy you, you stupid, dumb thing! 5…4…3…2…1… YOU’RE DEAD!!!”

Henry ran and got an ax…

Punchy Lander #3: Mr. Magi. Mr. Magi considers himself the peacekeeper of the land. For more information, please visit his character profile. Just hover over The Hut.

Mr. Magi looked at the tree and sighed.

“Poor thing. I really can’t think what else to do for you… Unless I redo everything I’ve done. You really should be giving me apples by now… Hmm…”

Mr. Magi began to rub his chin thoughtfully. He was deep in thought.

Suddenly, Schwarz came up.

“Hey,” he said.

Mr. Magi jumped slightly. “Ahh, Mr. Tauptinker, how are you doing?”

“Not too good,” Schwarz said as he gripped his middle. “I had a horrible snack. The apples that my tree gave me are going to kill me, you know what I mean? Chickit!”

“Really?” Mr. Magi seemed interested. “I see. Well… My tree hasn’t given me any apples.”

Schwarz looked up, surprised. “What’d you mean? It has plenty of apples.” Schwarz pointed towards the leaves.

“Ahh,” Mr. Magi said knowingly, “you ate your apple tree’s leaves, didn’t you?”

Schwarz’s mouth fell open. “And it wasn’t good.”

“Of course not, young man! You aren’t supposed to eat the leaves, but the apples!”

“Well,” Schwarz said, “don’t eat the apples; mine just weren’t good.”

Schwarz walked away and Mr. Magi stared after him, puzzled. Then he looked back at the tree.

“Well, young man, let’s get down to work. I’ll have you producing fruit if it’s the last thing I do!”

So, whom do you identify with?
(1) Schwarz Tauptinker. You’d want apples so badly that you’d find them, even if they weren’t there.
(2) Fats Henry. You’d grow impatient and quite angry, and end up destroying the tree.
(3) Mr. Magi. You’d keep caring for it, despite its unfaithfulness.


30 Responses to “Circumstances: The Apple Tree”

  1. 1 krugthethinker July 30, 2013 at 02:12

    While I really love the idea of an apple leaf pie, I’d have to go with Mr. Magi on this one, though I don’t know what on earth I would do to make the apples grow. If nothing else, they could use the applewood to smoke bacon!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2013 at 11:44

      That’s a perfect idea, but I fear that Mr. Magi would never think of it!

  2. 3 Jackie July 26, 2013 at 09:59

    Out of all three I’m Mr. Magi with one difference. The size of the tree makes me think it’s a newly planted tree. I know it can take 2-5 years for an apple tree to bear fruit – judging from Mr. Magi reaction he does not know this fact.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke July 26, 2013 at 11:45

      I was thinking someone might say that. But, yes, you’re right. Mr. Magi had no idea about that. (But the professor certainly did! Don’t you think for a second that he didn’t!)

      • 5 Jackie July 26, 2013 at 12:10

        Oh heavens no! I would never think that Professor! I figured you did cause you are a Professor and most Professors know that kind of stuff. :-D

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke July 26, 2013 at 12:25

        Yes, but this professor is a strange one. I think he’s more knowledgeable about the PL than anything else…

      • 7 Jackie July 26, 2013 at 12:40

        It’s a good thing you are otherwise no one would know about PL and that would be a shame!

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke July 26, 2013 at 14:34

        :) That is true! Thanks!!

      • 9 Jackie July 26, 2013 at 14:48


  3. 10 Angeline M July 26, 2013 at 05:51

    Depending on my mood, I’d either side with Fats Henry or Mr. Magi. I’m a Gemini after all; do they have those in PL?

    • 11 Professor VJ Duke July 26, 2013 at 11:44

      I understand that! You know, I’m not sure… Well, if they’re in earth, they’re in the PL…

  4. 12 The Dancing Rider July 25, 2013 at 19:47

    The lot in the entry seem …. well, ….. odd. If I had to choose a character, I guess it would be Mr. Magi. Probably only because I couldn’t chop down a tree, or eat its leaves, because it didn’t produce fruit. Argh.

    Btw, thank you for visiting my blog. I shall visit here often.

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 20:10

      Oh, yes, very odd. Just wait and see the video tomorrow! Extremely odd, then, probably.

      Yes, Mr. Magi is quite understandable in his actions. Quite.

      Thank you!

  5. 14 ladycheetah7 July 25, 2013 at 13:12

    Oh my. I am like #1. I try to make lemonade out of lemons when I should go find another fruit. Wow!

    • 15 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 13:15

      Hahaha. I understand.

  6. 16 FictionFan July 25, 2013 at 12:54

    Maburnit! These three are hopeless! I’m with Daddy Salami on this one. I have no doubt he’d gather the leaves, market them as a new vegetable and sell them at a huge profit…and these three would be silly enough to buy.

    But if I must pick one of these, then I’m with Fats Henry – cut the useless thing down!

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 13:14

      It disturbs me how much you know Daddy Salami’s character!

      I’m beginning to wonder if Tuppence’s photo as your gravatar isn’t a coincidence… ;)

      • 18 FictionFan July 25, 2013 at 13:56

        Ah, he’s so heroic! You can tell by his chuckle that he’s just the mega-coolest…

        Are you implying I’m witchy, dear Prof? Hmm, I wonder what potions could be made from apple-tree leaves… ;)

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 14:13

        Are you saying Tuppence is witchy?

        Well, Salami might–just might, mind you–make an appearance in RH Part 3 tomorrow!

      • 20 FictionFan July 25, 2013 at 15:24

        Ooh, good! It’s been a long, long wait, Chicky-Woot-Woot! ;)

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 15:34


  7. 22 Susan P July 25, 2013 at 12:49

    I take issue with the use of “normal.” :D

    • 23 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 13:10

      You’re right! There are no normal characters! In fact, the professor isn’t even normal.

      • 24 Susan P July 25, 2013 at 13:26

        Thanks heavens for small mercies. I cannot spend much time with “normal.”

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 14:13

        Neither can I. Never could. :)

      • 26 Susan P July 25, 2013 at 21:23

        I kind of guessed that. :)

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke July 26, 2013 at 00:35

        :lol: You’ve got the professor figured!

  8. 28 Elina July 25, 2013 at 12:04

    Those Punchy Landers are quite something. Seems I would be Mr. Magi in Punchy Lands :)

    • 29 Professor VJ Duke July 25, 2013 at 12:23

      Wild, aren’t they? Yes, Mr. Magi is the most normal of the lot!

      • 30 Elina July 25, 2013 at 12:26


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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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