Kirk’s Funeral

The professor strongly recommends before reading this post, to visit each of the following profiles for a quick review: The Punchies, Kirk, Arnold, Mitchum, Humphrey, Sylvester, and Punchy Murdoch. You may want to look at Schwarz as well.

Kirk—leader of the Punchies—was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing Punchyish can come of this tale.

The events surrounding Kirk’s death were shrouded in mystery. Here are the known facts, in bullet statements. Easier to understand that way, I think.

• Kirk left the Punchy Cave to visit his father, Punchy Murdoch.
• Punchy Murdoch later returned to the Punchy Cave with a coffin.
• Punchy Murdoch claimed that Kirk had died while he was visiting him, and that his son was now in the coffin, awaiting burial.
• The other Punchies accepted what Punchy Murdoch told them without reservation.
• The Punchies prepared Kirk’s funeral.

That was about all that was known. The Punchies scheduled the funeral, and were somewhat excited about Punchy Murdoch taking over his son’s post as the leader. At least, that’s what they were expecting to happen.

What they weren’t expecting, however, was for Schwarz Tauptinker to show up at the funeral…

The Punchies sat around an oak table; Kirk’s coffin was close by.

“My dears,” Punchy Murdoch began as he addressed the Punchies, “I know that Kirk’s sudden and unexpected death has left us all a bit uneasy.”

“Not me!” Arnold, the orange Punchy, thundered. “Kirk had it coming to him. He was always so mean.”

Punchy Murdoch glared angrily at Arnold for a moment, until Mitchum got his attention.

“Punchy Murdoch,” the blue Punchy, Mitchum, said, “do we know why Kirk died?”

“Good question, good question.” Humphrey, the red Punchy, nodded his approval. “We must needs know.”

“Well, Mr. Blue and Red,” Punchy Murdoch began, “Kirk just dropped dead while we were having our tea together. I believe that the cause of death had to do with worms in the brain.”

Sylvester, the tough Punchy, smiled. “I always knew Kirk had worms in the brain.”

Punchy Murdoch scowled, but did his best to hide it.

“Yeah, me too!” Arnold chimed in.

“Never mind about that,” Punchy Murdoch said, with a wave of his hand. “Let’s get on with the funeral.”

But, suddenly, a voice broke out:

“I don’t think so! Chickit!” Schwarz stepped into the room, a huge, monstrous gun in his hands. “I’m greatly disturbed—tell you what!”

Punchy Murdoch raised his eyebrows in turn. Then he spread his arms wide. “All of the Punchies know you’re disturbed, Schwarz. This is a private funeral; you must leave immediately.”

“I don’t think so, dude,” Schwarz said. “Do you know why I’m here? It’s ‘cause you killed your son just so you could take over his position as leader of the Punchies!”

All of the Punchies gasped—save Punchy Murdoch.

And he grew immediately flustered.

“Don’t listen to him, dear Punchies!” he said. “He knows not about what he speaks!”

“Oh, I so do!” Schwarz returned. “I’ve dogged you all the way across the desert back to this cave, and I know that you killed your son, dude! Chickit!”

Punchy Murdoch became alarmed. “You followed me here? Did you see anything?”

“Yeah, I saw you dragging the coffin back and mumbling to yourself how it wasn’t worth it. I’m glad that you think killing your son wasn’t worth it—but you still sinned big time, man!”

Punchy Murdoch screamed out, “Clasp thy lip, infidel!”


Schwarz jumped across the table and pinned Punchy Murdoch to the wall with his gun.

“Punchies, save me!” Punchy Murdoch yelled.

“I don’t know,” Arnold said. “Kirk might have deserved to die, but it wasn’t right of you to do it.”

The other Punchies nodded.

“Why don’t you open the coffin, Arnold?” Schwarz suggested, not for a moment looking away from Punchy Murdoch. “Then we can see if he’s lying!”

Sylvester stood, spat on the table, and threw open the lid to Kirk’s coffin.

Everyone craned to look.

The coffin was…


“Chickit!” Schwarz said. “It’s worse than we thought! He buried him out in the place of murder, ‘cause it was such a gory death!”

All the Punchies gasped. Then, they began to chant:

“Shoot the murderer. Shoot the murderer.”

Schwarz nodded. “You killed your baby boy.”

“Wait!” Punchy Murdoch screamed. “I am Kirk! Don’t shoot! I’m Kirk!”

Schwarz shook his head. “Nope. You and Kirk looked the same, but you’ve got a long white beard. You’re definitely not Kirk.”

“But I got his dirk!” Punchy Murdoch said desperately.

Schwarz looked at Punchy Murdoch’s belt. “You stole it once you killed him. That’s what you did! Chickit are you cruel!”

“NO!” Punchy Murdoch yelled.

“You killed your baby boy,” Schwarz said. “And now you got to pay.”

Schwarz cocked his gun.

“Wait!” Punchy Murdoch said. “Don’t do it! I’m Kirk!” Then he reached up and pulled of his beard. “I’m Kirk!”

Schwarz looked at him quizzically for a moment, all the Punchies gaped.

For a moment Schwarz seemed uncertain; then he shook his head.

“Na,” he said. “Na.”

Schwarz pulled the trigger…

O Punchy Family—thoughts please!


39 Responses to “Kirk’s Funeral”

  1. 1 Jill London August 13, 2013 at 08:50

    I think Schwarz had a lot of potential targets in that room…

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke August 13, 2013 at 13:34

      I think you’re right! The professor might have become trigger-happy….

  2. 3 krugthethinker August 12, 2013 at 05:00

    Oh no! I hope the bullet was a blank. Or the chamber was empty. because an empty coffin and a removed beard brings in so many possibilities! Also, I can totally hear the voices when I read the stories:) Awesome!

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke August 12, 2013 at 15:08

      Oh, don’t worry about Kirk; he’ll be fine. :D The professor is thrilled that you can hear the voices!!!

  3. 5 ladycheetah7 August 9, 2013 at 10:15

    Ok. Lesson 1 never read after 3 hours of overtime.
    Such drama kings. I am of the opinion kirk and his son are one and the same. Kirk or daddy punchy knows he is not liked and is too afraid to come out and ask. Such an elaborate scheme just to find out how people feel. I think Schwartz should have shot him in the foot just to test that theory. Question is how if the two are separate people explain he had a son when there are no female punchies?

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 13:37

      Yes, such a valuable lesson. You should blog about that. :)

      That’s a great question, and one that the other Punchies should ask. But they’re too dull. Do you think Kirk’s scheme, in the end, very dull?

      • 7 ladycheetah7 August 9, 2013 at 14:13

        Yes. I believe he thought in his own mind that he was brilliant and what he did not forecast was someone coming in and spoiling his plan. Schwartz was a nice touch. Chikit.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 14:33

        Exactly right! That about sums up Kirk. And Schwarz always comes to ruin the party!

  4. 9 ladycheetah7 August 9, 2013 at 01:53

    Just got in from work and my eyeballs hurt from over time. I will follow up tomorrow. ;-)

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 13:32

      No problem!

  5. 11 The Dancing Rider August 9, 2013 at 00:44

    Ok. I have some reading to do first. Real life has removed my fun time lately….so will get back to you when I have my background gained with the various profiles. Looking forward to it, as it will mean various forms of craziness have evaporated for a while…..

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 00:54

      That’s fine! Let me know what you think of the story!

      • 13 The Dancing Rider August 9, 2013 at 00:56

        I most certainly, and happily, will. Off to attempt a quick entry myself … not sure I’ll make it!

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 01:00

        Good luck!

      • 15 The Dancing Rider August 9, 2013 at 13:46

        Kirk and Punchy M are the same entity! All has been to fool the Punchies and keep them in line. Except Schwarz – my type of questioner….. Hmmm, where are the grandmas, etc.? Did the male Punchies spring from the earth?

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 14:28

        Yes, exactly!

        Schwarz does question effectively, of that there is no doubt. Some PL’ers believe that a blight wiped out the Punchy population a while back; others believe–Mr. Magi among them–that there has, and always will be, five Punchies…

  6. 17 FictionFan August 8, 2013 at 19:38

    Hurrah! Now there’s a gap for a new Punchy leader…and I think I’m just the woman for the job!! They’ll soon find out what it’s like to have a woman in charge, instead of a useless man….cooking lessons for Ruber, Daddy Salami will be forced to get that hut cleaned up, Fats Henry wil be sent on an anger management course….and Ratherquite!! Banishment!!! With his ladies!!!! And visiting Professors will only be allowed in if they agree to dance the cotillion…with ME!!!

    (I find it disturbing that I can actually hear Schwarz’s voice in my head when I read this… ;) )

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 20:53

      :lol: Chickit! I’ll stay clear while you’re laying down the new law! No telling what they’d do…

      I’m really quite concerned about your hate for Mr. R and his Ladies. Really I am. ;)

      :) The professor wouldn’t make a good dancing partner…too wobbly about the knees… ;)

      (You can? Now that is cool–tell you what! :D )

      • 19 FictionFan August 8, 2013 at 21:35

        They’ll do what they’re TOLD!!!

        Hatred? Far too weak a word! I scorn and despise him! Going about the place pretending to be Darby…Tchah! he’s not fit to lick my Darby’s (gorgeous, leather, calf-hugging, riding) boots!!! On second thoughts, banishment is too good for him – he shall be sentenced to eat up all Ruber’s (pre-training) cooking at Her Majesty’s (that’s me!) Pleasure…

        You will do what you’re told too!! (This is :cool: – I think I was made for this job!)

        Chickit! :D

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 22:07

        Well! I shan’t protect you!!!

        :lol: I always imagined that Darby wore sandals… You are really to harsh upon Mr. R. Maybe you could dance with him? I’m sure he’s a great dancer, and that his belly wiggles quite happily as he moves about! (I still can’t believe that you liked him at one time… :lol: )

        The professor is beginning to feel a bit like Edmund…

      • 21 FictionFan August 8, 2013 at 22:39

        You shall if I tell you to!!!

        Sandals? Sandals?? Clearly the Professor really must read it – very soon – to clarify his mistaken impression that Darby is some kind of vegetarian hippy!

        I shall treat the suggestion re dancing with that creature with the disdain it deserves (but I shall not forget…)

        Sweet Chicky-Woot-Woot, if you promise to dance the cotillion with me you can have as much Turkish Delight as your heart desires…

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 00:30

        A vegetarian hippy? Now I can dig that!

        Did you have a nice journey? It seems to have vexed you…


        But can I be prince?

      • 23 FictionFan August 9, 2013 at 02:00

        Why? Are you one? Or are you meaning ‘dig’ in the sense of ‘worms’ or possibly in the sense of ‘up and beat over the head with…’?

        I am vexed, sir, because you seem to think that I, the Empress of Punchy, should demean…yes, demean…myself by dancing with that wobbly-bellied, oily, self-satisfied creature Ratherquite! And vexing an Empress, let me tell you, is most unwise…

        Of course you can…just as soon as winter’s over…

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 13:35

        Good heavens no! But I can imagine Darby as one, with those sandals…

        Maybe you should turn him into stone then, and dance with the Ladies.

        Well, if you decide not to, I’ll call my friend Tash.

  7. 25 Sonya Solomonovich August 8, 2013 at 19:19

    This is indeed very mystifying. I wonder what would motivate Kirk to pose as Punchy Murdoch, or rather pretend to be two people instead of one. Is it madness or some sort of ingenious plot?

    • 26 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 20:37

      Well, that’s an interesting question. I’m almost sure that Kirk would claim that it’s an ingenious plot. Now this professor, on the other hand, would consider it madness, wouldn’t you? (But then again, the Punchies are so dull that Kirk’s madness usually works…)

  8. 27 Jackie August 8, 2013 at 17:05

    Intriguing and unsettling.

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 17:50

      What is unsettling exactly? Just curious.

      • 29 Jackie August 8, 2013 at 18:38

        Dysfunction always makes me feel unsettled.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 18:48

        Hmm…I see. The professor agrees. The Punchies always make him feel unsettled. ;)

      • 31 Jackie August 8, 2013 at 19:19


  9. 32 L. Marie August 8, 2013 at 13:42

    Hmmm. So if Kirk and his “father” have never been seen together, then it stands to reason that they either have a time turner ala Harry Potter or they’re one and the same. Therefore Schwarz is about to murder an innocent, though clearly disturbed, individual. But I’m guessing the gun isn’t loaded.

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 17:48

      Oh yes, the Punchies are very disturbed. Rumor has it that Kirk is Punchy Murdoch, but rumors can’t be verified, you know. Knowing Schwarz, the gun probably was loaded…but Punchies recover quickly. :)

  10. 34 Susan P August 8, 2013 at 13:03

    Disturbing, Professor. Disturbing and…mystifying.

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 17:44

      But isn’t the professor disturbing too? ;)

      • 36 Susan P August 8, 2013 at 19:20

        Ah, Professor, are we not all disturbing in our time? And Mystifying?

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke August 8, 2013 at 20:38

        Yes, absolutely! You always make the professor feel so good! :D

      • 38 Susan P August 9, 2013 at 00:56

        And your posts make me smile. I had no idea what I was getting into, but whatever it is, I’m having fun in it.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2013 at 01:03

        :D Susan, the professor is honored! It is the Punchy way to smile! :)

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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