A Duel of the Ages

I can’t pretend that I wasn’t nervous, dear Punchy Family, not for a moment. This journey into the Punchy Lands was for one reason: to find a way—any way—to make Daddy Salami and Manly-Man duel, as asked by Punchy Family member, Sonya (whose great blog you can check out here).

As I approached Daddy Salami’s hut, I heard yelling. Then, suddenly, the rickety old door swung open and Ruber came stomping out.

“Don’t go in there, P. VJ,” he said as he passed. “The porpoise is in an ill-humor.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“Forget it.”

“I actually will.”

And then I entered the hut. Daddy Salami was seated on a stool in the corner and his green eyes were glowing eerily.

“Hello, P. VJ,” he said, then he laughed—malevolently.

“Mr. Salami,” I said, “it’s great seeing you—”

“Don’t lie to me, cur. Why ya want—huh?”

“Well, I was wondering—” here I broke off and rubbed my head—“Is your real name Daddy Salami?”

“Hehaha. Of course it is, ya lolly. I’ve been known by that name me whole life. How about you? Is your real name P. VJ?”

I cleared my throat. “Of course it is, of course. Those who doubt it would be…silly!”

Salami’s moth fell open slightly and his tongue stuck out. “Yeah.”

At that moment, Manly-Man entered. I could hardly believe my luck.

“Hey, Daddy,” he said, “does you remember the time I pulled down your hut with my baby finger?”

It didn’t look as if arranging a duel would be too hard after all.

Salami frowned. “Yeah, I do.”

Manly-Man stuck out his lower lip. “Where’s Ruby? He called me to come see him.”

“He doesn’t want ta see ya,” Salami said.

“Oh yeah he does, baby,” Manly-Man returned.

“No, he doesn’t, cur-sauce!”

“But he said—”

“That’s before his daddy changed his mind. He wanted to talk with ya about starting a food shack with ‘im, but I told ‘im no. I said, ‘Ruber, not until you learn to cook chicken and beans will I permit you to have a food shack.’ And then he stormed away. Hehaha.”

And that’s when I blurted it out. I shouldn’t have, but I did.

“Hey, would you two be interested in dueling each other?”

“Shut up,” Salami said.

“You want me to crack your brains open?” Manly-Man asked me.

“No, no, of course not. I was just wondering how you would duel. You know, what would you use for weapons? Who would win…”

That got them.

Salami laughed. “I’d win hands down.”

“Oh no, honeydoll,” Manly-Man challenged, “I’d done win cause I’s so manly and you’s…so not.”

“Okay then, cur! I challenge ya to…” Salami paused and his eyes glowed, then he laughed. “…a food duel—like me and my brother do.”

An uncomfortable silence ensued.

Finally, Manly-Man said, “Hey, that’s not fair. I’s not goin’ play,”

“Ya, cur!” Salami yelled. “Ya do it, or I’ll kill ya!”

There was no option now. Manly-Man sat at the kitchen table and Salami laughed. Then, the latter grabbed a bowl of cherries and dumped the contents of the bowl onto the table.

I prepared to watch.

Quick as a wink, Salami reached out and grabbed a cherry which he subsequently plopped into his mouth.

“Hehaha. You’re losing, turtle-cur.”

Manly-Man stuck out his lower lip. “I done told you I’s don’t wanna play, honey.”

“Ya play, ya hear?!”

Manly-Man reached out lazily and grabbed a cherry, but Salami slapped his hand, and he dropped it.

Then Salami grabbed another cherry and plopped it into his mouth. “Hehaha.”

Dear Punchy Family, you must believe me when I say that this professor was completely shocked by this…duel. It was really the last thing I was expecting.

“Hey,” Manly-Man said, “you’s makin’ me mad.” And he tried to grab a cherry—but Salami hit it out of his hand again.

Then Salami grabbed three cherries and stuffed them into his mouth, laughing the whole while.

“I’s done now,” Many-Man said, and he abruptly overturned the whole table.

“Ya cur!!!”

Salami jumped up, and I feared that he was about to do something, but at that very moment Mr. Magi entered, top hat in hand. He looked straight at Salami.

“Young man,” he said, “I’ve got something important to talk over with you.”

Salami looked like a naughty child that had been caught doing something wrong.

“I’s go,” Manly-Man said, utilizing the opportunity to escape Salami’s wrath, “Magini’s here, and I’s scared.” And he left.

“What do ya want, Magi?” Salami asked hesitantly. I’m not sure he really wanted to know.

“You, young man, must let Ruber open his restaurant at once!”

“Ya mean his food shack, huh?”

“Yes, precisely. And I’m going to help him open it.”

“Go ahead,” Salami said spitefully, “and then I’ll sit back and laugh as it fails. And you’ll be to blame, Magi, ya cur-sauce!”

Mr. Magi’s eyebrows shot up. “Young man!”

And that’s when I left.

I hope the duel was satisfying. But we can be sure of one thing, dear Punchy Family: The duel was definitely Punchyish. Perhaps Salami’s brother (and nephew) should be introduced so that we can witness one of their duels…?


46 Responses to “A Duel of the Ages”

  1. 1 L. Marie September 8, 2013 at 20:14

    Great duel! I’d like to see more of those. For example, Manly-Man and Ruber.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke September 8, 2013 at 20:32

      The professor will keep that in mind. But did you notice how I almost perished?

  2. 3 xoxosanaz90210 September 7, 2013 at 00:24

    Funny duel. It would have been fun to see Mr Magi choke on a cherry.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke September 7, 2013 at 01:00

      :D And you know, had he eaten one, he probably would have! But then this professor would have had to save him, and that would have been a sticky wicket, wouldn’t it have?

      • 5 xoxosanaz90210 September 8, 2013 at 13:11

        Haha yeah. The professor would be a superhero too.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 8, 2013 at 17:22

        :D Good point! Maybe it was worth it, then!

  3. 7 Quickstepp September 5, 2013 at 21:59

    Drat, now I want cherries.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke September 6, 2013 at 12:12

      But would you want to duel to get them?

      • 9 Quickstepp September 6, 2013 at 12:18

        Perhaps. If someone slapped my hand I would return it in kind.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke September 6, 2013 at 12:21

        :lol: Me too. But would you really be brave enough to duel Daddy Salami? I don’t think the professor would.

      • 11 Quickstepp September 6, 2013 at 12:22

        I need to get caught up on my PL knowledge before I make the call with any certainty. New to the family.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 6, 2013 at 12:24

        And the professor is thrilled to have you! Not even Salami is a match for his brother in a food duel. I fear that you may find it a bit Punchyish and crazy around here at first–but it will begin to make sense! (If you ever want more info on the PL characters just hover over The Hut page. There’s drop down menu.)

      • 13 Quickstepp September 6, 2013 at 12:31

        From the bit I’ve explored so far, your writing reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams. I like him so I’ll be sticking around for more. :)

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke September 6, 2013 at 12:35

        The professor is honored! Every Friday there’s PL skit with the characters voices. Helps to know them better. :D

  4. 15 krugthethinker September 5, 2013 at 17:06

    Oh yes, please introduce them! Fearsome as that duel sounds, I am just glad that no one choked on any cherry pits. That would have been awful. Also! I like cur-sauce. And I have a suggestion for a Punchy insult (though I will not be offended if it does not find acceptance in the lexicon): Rapscallion!

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:15

      I’m not sure what DS did with those pits!

      The professor loves the word! Will be added to the Punchy insult list!

    • 17 Susan P September 5, 2013 at 20:17

      Oh, I like that one, too.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:25

        Great! Added to the list. Now to get it into the regular professor speak…

  5. 19 sonya solomonovich September 5, 2013 at 17:01

    Thanks for the mention, professor.
    This duel was very punchyish indeed! :D I had expected some ridiculous choice of weapons, but this…
    It’s funny how they’re both afraid of Mr. Magi. What threat does he hold, I wonder? Also I was quite surprised that Mr. Magi insists on Ruber opening his restaurant. Isn’t he aware of how the vileness of Ruber’s chicken and beans? I have to agree with Daddy Salami’s parenting technique on this one.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:14

      Absolutely! The professor loves when the PLF gives him something to post about! Anytime you have a question, send it in!

      :D Well, Mr. Magi is sort of like the peacekeeper of the PL. But there are times when DS doesn’t even heed him. I think Mr. Magi supposes that Ruber will get better with time. Maybe he could use the help of a swashbuckler?

    • 21 The Dancing Rider September 5, 2013 at 21:20

      I love your take on this duel! Agreed! :)

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke September 6, 2013 at 12:13


  6. 23 ladycheetah7 September 5, 2013 at 16:35

    Very lively. I was hoping to “see” them wrestling on the floor but the cherry splatter was quite good. Can’t wait for tomorrow!

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:12

      In the Concrete Jungle I’m sure they’d wrestle! ;) What’s tomorrow? (Excuse the professorish mind.)

      • 25 ladycheetah7 September 5, 2013 at 17:20

        Um…the Friday skits…lol:-P

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:20

        Oh, yes! :) Holmes is tomorrow…

      • 27 Susan P September 5, 2013 at 20:21

        Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps ….

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:27

        It sure does. Hope everything goes right!

  7. 29 Jackie September 5, 2013 at 15:48

    I think you should introduce Salami’s brother and nephew. :-D

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:11

      Okay, then! The professor will travel to Iceland.

      • 31 Jackie September 5, 2013 at 18:25

        I see. If it’s too much trouble then never mind. I wouldn’t want you to go out of your way or anything. :-D

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:24

        Oh no! The professor does anything for the PLF! I’ll got to Iceland–hope that I keep warm!

      • 33 Jackie September 5, 2013 at 23:36

        You’re awesome, Professor! :-D

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke September 6, 2013 at 12:13

        :cool: :D

  8. 35 technophile9 September 5, 2013 at 15:38

    Everyone does sword fight, so I enjoyed that duel!

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:11

      Thank you! Do you think this is more effective than a sword fight?

      • 37 technophile9 September 5, 2013 at 17:35

        By far! It allows for the less manly to get a bit of a look in. ;)

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:20

        That’s true. I don’t know about you, but I think the professor would lose the food duel too!

  9. 39 FictionFan September 5, 2013 at 14:13

    I think you should do this one as a vid – I’d love to hear Salami laugh while eating three cherries… a unique sound, I’d imagine, and a sign of his Punchy bravery that he attempted it and survived. And no wonder he wanted a food duel – the poor man is probably malnourished if he has to rely on that dadblamed Ruber’s cooking…

    Interesting that both Mr Magi and C-W-W should share a taste for top hats…

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:10

      :lol: You must really try Ruber’s food one day. Maybe he’s improved.

      The professor is getting videoed out! There has been a movement to have Mr. Darby–I mean, Mr. Ratherquite–interviewed. Then all the up-coming projects. I think I’ll bury myself somewhere…

      It is…you’re right…

      • 41 FictionFan September 5, 2013 at 18:10

        Yet again, the Professor tries to murder FF… :cry:

        Really, sometimes you talk as if you have to work to create these videos, when obviously all you have to do is stand about with a microphone recording whatever’s going on! So easy even a wardrobe could do it…

        It is…and I’m always right…

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:23

        No at all. The professor might eat there himself–once you test it. :D

        Basically, you’re right. But I’ve already asked a certain PL’er to play Gatsby. The professor’s got to make sure everybody’s there on the day of the shoot. And then that dadblame Sepperl with his music… You have no idea! And the other script writers…ah!

        Sure. You’re were right about Ratherquite being the Darcy of the PL…

  10. 43 Susan P September 5, 2013 at 14:13

    A very creative duel, I say. But I have a question. What did DS do with the cherry pits, and shouldn’t that have been spelled out in the rules of the duel?

    • 44 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 17:08

      :D The duel shocked the professor! Ah, a very interesting question. I’m not really sure. I suppose he kept them in his mouth–if that’s possible. And rules…they didn’t even talk about rules, did they?

      • 45 Susan P September 5, 2013 at 17:35

        Well, when he /talks/ sometimes he sounds like his mouth is full of something…just an observation. :D

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke September 5, 2013 at 20:20

        :lol: You’re right!

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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