The Salami Family—and a brotherly…duel?

Daddy Salami has a brother—and a nephew.

You may want to visit their profiles before reading:

His brother, Oregano.

His nephew, Julliard.

Don’t be too alarmed.

Daddy and Ruber live in England, and Oregano and Julliard live in Iceland—which is a good thing.

Usually, Oregano and Daddy are quite genial towards each other—until they have a duel. Or until they disagree. Or until Daddy becomes angry. Or until Oregano yells.

Anyway, on one particular evening, after supper—which took place in the principal longhouse—Oregano said to Daddy, somewhat good-naturedly,

“Well, Daddy, how about a duel? The time is ripe, you know.”

Salami laughed. “Okay, turtle. Let’s do it.”

Oregano smiled when Salami accepted. “Good, then. Since we just ate, let’s do it with the usual weapon: cherries.”


“Oh boy,” Ruber said as he leaned back, “now we get to enjoy a spectacle after dinner.”

“Quiet, my red cousin,” Julliard mumbled.

Ruber abruptly sat up. “What! What did you just call me, eh?”

Julliard shrugged. “I was merely pointing out the fact that you have red hair.”

Ruber leaned across the table and pointed menacingly in Julliard’s face. “Keep a mum lip, Julliard.”

And then Julliard did something which he always does when he’s nervous: He gagged.

“Oh…” Ruber turned away. “You gross individual.”

“That a boy, Ruber,” Salami said happily; “make your daddy proud.”

“Julliard!” Oregano almost roared. “Stick up for yourself!”

Salami laughed and said in a low voice, “Don’t worry about it, O’Reggy. There’s nothin’ ya can really do. Your boy’s a butchered babe.”

Just exactly what Salami meant by a butchered babe, the professor isn’t sure.

“Well,” Oregano returned, “at least Julliard is smarter than Ruber.”

“What?!” Ruber exclaimed. “What?!”

Salami laughed again. “Let it go, Ruber. They’re just mad that you’re stronger and smarter.” Salami glared menacingly at Julliard, who gagged.

“Let’s have our duel!” Oregano said.

Salami nodded. “Okay. Ruber, get your daddy a bowl of cherries.”

Presently, the bowl was laid between Salami and Oregano.

Ruber dumped its contents onto the table.

“Okay,” he said, “ready, set, go.”

Oregano and Salami stared at one another silently. Then, faster than fast, Oregano struck out and grabbed a cherry. He chewed it slowly, then spit the pit onto the floor.

You see, the point of this game is to get a cherry without your opponent stopping you (i.e. by slapping your hand). It’s a strange game—a Punchyish one.

Salami laughed. “Ya won’t get another, O’Reggy.”

But Oregano did.

Five others to be exact.

“Hehaha.” Salami was growing worried.

“Come on, Dad,” Ruber said, enjoying the spectacle of his dad losing, “you can do it, eh?”

“Shut your mouth, cur-sauce!”

Julliard looked smug. “Haha, Ruber,” he said.

“What?” Ruber questioned, turning towards him. “A victory by your dad is not a victory for you!”


Ruber lunged across the table and grabbed Julliard by the throat. The latter began to gag—uncontrollably, until Ruber released him.

While this was taking place, Oregano had gotten ten more cherries, and Salami had only managed to sneak two.

But Salami’s eyes were shining brightly and he seemed intent on winning. At the time, I thought he would lose, though.

Then something spectacular happened: Salami started to win.

He managed to steal cherry after cherry, and he chuckled the whole while.

“Oh no, O’Reggy!” he mocked.

But the match was even, and eventually only one cherry remained. The score was twenty cherries to twenty cherries. This last cherry—very ill formed, I should add—would decide the winner.

Both contestants focused intently.

Then, there was a sudden light in Salami’s eyes, and his hand shot forth, but—alas! Another hand snatched up the cherry—and it wasn’t Oregano’s.

“Chickit!” Schwarz said. “I do love cherries. Oh yeah!” And Schwarz ate it—pit and all, I believe.

“You…!” Ruber said.

“Idiot!” Julliard exclaimed.

“Fool!” Oregano roared.

“Cur-sauce!” Salami shouted, his mouth dropping open.

“What?” Schwarz said quite innocently. Then in a higher voice, “What?”

And Oregano grabbed his battleaxe.


62 Responses to “The Salami Family—and a brotherly…duel?”

  1. 1 ladycheetah7 September 14, 2013 at 16:34

    Cherry fights don’t seem so manly but I dig it. It’s a punchy thing stroking manly ego. I used to work with an all boy band (translation- all men) so on an odd way I get it. I think…:-) And Schwartz eats the last cherry. Good one!
    Are you going to write a book about the Punchy Land? Seems like you have enough material for one.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke September 14, 2013 at 21:31

      :D I’m sure Manly-Man would rather duel in another way. It’s so strange! Yes, I plan to, but what should it be about?

      • 3 ladycheetah7 September 14, 2013 at 21:41

        In my opinion I think you can do a series, start off with soneting light like how the all came to be the punchies, moving ino introducing Mr. Ratherquite and the three nags, another book and how saddt salami got rid of his wife and nobody knows or cares that she is missing. I find that intriguing. Of course I wontbe writing these 500 page novels but if you keep me engaged as any fiction author does I believe it would make a splended read and I promise not to rip it…lol

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke September 14, 2013 at 21:56

        Truly appreciative of your ideas, Lady! The professorish mind has troubles sometimes coming up with them. :lol: I’m glad you won’t rip it, but the professor might have to–just so no one else does. Do you think it would keep you interested?

      • 5 ladycheetah7 September 14, 2013 at 22:54

        Yup, I think it would.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 14, 2013 at 23:08

        I suppose I should do it then. But it is the professorish way to put it off…

  2. 7 Jackie September 13, 2013 at 01:34

    Well now, that was very interesting! :-D

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:42

      Very Punchyish, definitely!

      • 9 Jackie September 13, 2013 at 14:45

        Absolutely! :-D

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:49


  3. 11 The Dancing Rider September 12, 2013 at 20:58

    I did enjoy the twist at the end so much. Good old Schwarz, right when you need him. I especially enjoyed the fact that neither DS or Oregano could win. What intrigued me most though was “red cousin”. Given Oregano’s and Ruber’s unknown origins……

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 00:11

      Awesome! Oh, there are a lot of mysteries, aren’t there? That’s what makes the PL so punchyish.

  4. 13 I Am Jasmine Kyle September 12, 2013 at 19:30

    The Prof reanimates Schwarz again! I love a good duel! I still want to see the glove slap!!!

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 00:06

      Reanimates?! Just what do you mean by that, young lady?!

      Ah, I forgot! So many apologies it’s superfluous! Okay, schedule a glove-slapping duel just for you…

      • 15 I Am Jasmine Kyle September 13, 2013 at 00:37

        SIR you have INSULTED ME and I WILL HAVE satisfaction… OR chocolate! I’d rather chocolate!

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 01:00

        Dear me! How have I insulted you? (No chocolate here. FF eats it all.)

      • 17 FictionFan September 13, 2013 at 12:15

        :lol: Quite right! Hands off my chocolate! (And my ice lollies..)

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:42

        Ooo, the professor likes ice lollies…

  5. 19 sonya solomonovich September 12, 2013 at 18:36

    Why do these vikings have such Italian names? This is very suspicious. I did enjoy these new characters, though, and of course, the duel — very punchyish!

    I agree with FictionFan, Schwarz is a more likely candidate for a hero than Daddy Salami.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:47

      Well, England was once part of the Roman Empire, you know…and then many strange things happened in the PL’s history. I maybe should write a novel about it one vexing day.

      Thank you!

      Oh, don’t agree with FF! She prefers the wicked characters, you know. Personally, I think Mr. R would make a good wiggly hero.

      • 21 sonya solomonovich September 12, 2013 at 18:50

        It would make a very interesting novel!

        Ha ha ha. Mr Ratherquite as hero? I think the wigglyness disqualifies him at once. A hero should be preferably handsome, or at least not wiggly.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 00:04

        :D And a professorish one, you know.

        Not all heroes are handsome…some maybe even be wiggly!

      • 23 sonya solomonovich September 13, 2013 at 04:27

        Hmmm… a wiggly hero. It would certainly be unique. Will Mr. R prove to have some other attributes of a hero, such as bravery? I guess he has at least boldness, showing up at all those parties uninvited. :)

      • 24 Susan P September 13, 2013 at 12:06

        I nominate my four-year-granddaughter for the wiggly hero. Type casting.

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:43

        No, I’m sure that he’s not very brave at all. :) Definitely boldness!

        :lol: Susan, that’s sounds perfect! :lol:

  6. 26 L. Marie September 12, 2013 at 18:21

    Schwarz is the man!!!! If he survives . . .

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:26

      And he probably did–I think. I did sneak out right before anything happened. That way the professor couldn’t be held responsible. :)

  7. 28 Ms. Vee September 12, 2013 at 17:05

    Well written. I enjoyed this.

    • 29 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:25

      Thank you!!! (There were no bugs, you know, to ruin the competition.)

      • 30 Ms. Vee September 12, 2013 at 18:36

        Maybe the next time. ha

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:47

        Haha. Maybe!

  8. 32 Uzoma September 12, 2013 at 15:41

    Love how this one ended. Schwarz is one heck of an individual. I chuckled at the point when Ruber was excited that his dad was losing and then the response that came afterwards.

    You have a knack for good writing, Prof.

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:25

      Many thanks! Schwarz seems clueless, doesn’t he? Yes, I think Ruber enjoys seeing his dad lose.

      The professor is honored, truly!

  9. 34 Susan P September 12, 2013 at 13:35

    Ah! The deus ex machina (so to speak)! Well done, Schwarz. That was a humdinger, sir.

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 14:36

      :lol: The professor likes that expression! You see, this professor was actually angry that Schwarz ruined the match. Weren’t you? Definitely a humdinger, definitely. :)

      • 36 Susan P September 12, 2013 at 14:38

        I’m used to that sort of thing. When my birth family went to the beach, my mom used to take along a jig-saw puzzle. She loved them. My brother would wait until she wasn’t looking and snitch and hide it (chickit) until the day we were packing to go home.

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:23

        :lol: I bet that vexed your mother!

      • 38 Susan P September 12, 2013 at 20:01

        It did vex her indeed. She always asked everyone if anyone knew any thing about or had seen it. My brother always became solicitous and helped her look, and he was also good at the deadpan look. Then on the last day when she wasn’t looking he would sneak in and put the last piece in place. On some level she knew it was him who was doing it, but never caught him. He could get away with that because he was her favorite.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 00:10

        :lol: You should have set him up! Did you? This professor would have, dadblameit!

      • 40 Susan P September 13, 2013 at 11:52

        What!? And spoil her fun? :D

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:44

        Well, I suppose not, then…but the professor would have!!!

      • 42 Susan P September 14, 2013 at 16:11

        I never minded that my brother was my mother’s favorite. In fact, I preferred it. As the firstborn, well there were plenty of expectations without that.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke September 14, 2013 at 21:32

        Very, very true. I see what you mean.

  10. 44 FictionFan September 12, 2013 at 13:08

    Yay for Schwarz! Definitely my new hero – that dadblamed old Salami is so yesterday! i do hope Scharzy managed to escape – but I’m sure my dear C-W-W stepped in, Katana whirling, to defend him…

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 14:34

      Goodness! Poor DS. Oh well.

      It’s possible, but what makes you think that I like Schwarz enough to save him?

      • 46 FictionFan September 12, 2013 at 15:10

        Well, that old moustachioed sausage shouldn’t go about mysteriously losing wives…

        How could you possibly not like lovely Schwarz? When he says ‘Oh,no!’ the sun shines a little brighter! Anyway, surely you’d save him for my sake?

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke September 12, 2013 at 18:22

        This is a sad day. FEF won’t like the professor next…

        Possibly. But you’d have to beg. (Hmm, I bet MT’s autobiography’s good.)

      • 48 FictionFan September 12, 2013 at 19:42

        Why? Has the Professor mysteriously lost some wives??? (Even if so, FEF would probably forgive her dear C-W-W…)

        :lol: Are you just the teensiest bit vexed over the autobiography? If it helps I just can’t bring myself to read it on the laptop…though the first few pages do look as if it will be fun!

        Anyway, please, pretty, pretty please, dearest Professor, don’t let harm befall my favourite chafafah, Schwarzy. Oh, no! I couldn’t bear it…chickit!

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 00:09

        Aha! So that’s what’s bothering you with regards to DS… Hold on. Things are about to get creepier!

        Hmm…don’t know if I should answer that. And you expect the professor to believe that you can’t read it on your laptop? Goodness, dadblamery! You do it, young lady!

        But sometimes, the things we cannot bear make better men out of us…

      • 50 FictionFan September 13, 2013 at 12:22

        Oooh! I like creepy! Does it turn out that Ruber is being subjected to mind control by an evil alien mastermind, and secretly bumping off all the women in the PL? Does it? (If so, could you please remind him about the Yucky One’s ladies?)

        Well…I might try…just to vex you…

        I don’t want to be a better man!! (Anyway, women are always better than men already…)

        :lol: Cheeky Chicky! I saw that comment to Susan!! How dare you?!?

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:49

        See how creative your are???!!! (I couldn’t be so mean to Mr. R’s ladies. They’re not that bad in person.)

        You seem to think reading on a laptop is a chore…

        Really? Fascinating!

        And I shan’t apologize. I have nothing more to say on that subject. :)

      • 52 FictionFan September 13, 2013 at 15:42

        You’re far too sweet about those ladies – but there’s nothing wrong with them that a good dose of arsenic couldn’t cure… :twisted:

        It is – and my Kindle gets jealous…

        Naughty Professor! And so brave… just going to have a word with Tuppence now…

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 16:43

        You should just send them to the Brewster home. ;)

        The professor doesn’t even have a Kindle…

        I do believe that’s what Darby would have said. I think he did say something to that effect about separating Bingley and Jane, or some dadblamery like that…

      • 54 FictionFan September 13, 2013 at 18:03

        Hehe! Good idea!

        That’s what the problem is then – if you had a Kindle you could take the Complete Works of Jane Austen with you everywhere…

        (Spoiler alert!) Don’t you worry about what Darby says, C-W-W. Once Lizio sorts him out, you’ll soon see that he’ll be a bit more careful…

      • 55 Susan P September 12, 2013 at 20:02

        Good point, FF.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 00:10

        What point? Dear FEF, rarely makes a good point, you know… ;)

      • 57 Susan P September 13, 2013 at 11:53

        I thought I saw a pencil…

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 14:47

        A pencil?

      • 59 Susan P September 13, 2013 at 15:03

        Yes, a pencil point. I think it had a first name…

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 15:07

        Mic? :lol:

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2013 at 19:05

        As long as you have P&P I do believe you’ve got all Austen’s works.

        The professor is pretty sure that Austen didn’t continue (with a sequel) because it would have gotten gory. Eventually, Lizio would have worked on Darby’s nerves. And then, in a fit of rage, Darby would have…

        I shouldn’t say anything else, I believe…

  1. 1 The Velvet Glove | Daily Story For Children Trackback on September 13, 2013 at 02:36

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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