The PL Times, E2

The PL Times
The Official Punchy Lands’ Newspaper
Monday, September 16, 2013
Edition 2

Section A. Punchy Proverbs:

(1) Sometimes you may be tempted to like people; when this happens, spend more time in society.

(2) Beat those who spoil the fun.

(3) If I could retire, I would. But I can’t retire, because the PL very much needs me.

The last proverb was written by Merlin. How I convinced Shnodgrate to include it, dear PF, is a great mystery.



Section B. Something you should know about the professor:

The professor is uncomfortable with being comfortable.


Section C. What the PL’ers have to say:

(1) I would give most anything—even the ring on my pinky finger–to know why Dr. Zauberer is a doctor. – Prince Beef

(2) Sitting by a fire drinking Sotsiz tea and reading The Book—it can’t get much better. – Mr. Magi

(3) I’m not fat; it’s just my glorious blubber that you see wiggling! – Fats Henry in reply to a snide remark from Bud Parker.


Section D. Breaking News:

King Arthur of England and Emperor Napoleon of France fought a very brief war (it lasted only 6 hours) over which empire would win a war. The result was a stalemate, and the war ended.

Schwarz Tauptinker inherited a vast fortune from a formerly unknown uncle who suddenly passed away. However, computer technician and genius, Dennis, quickly and quietly stole the fortune. No proof can be obtained. Schwarz is unconcerned, believing it quite possible for another formerly unknown uncle to die in the near future.

Famed industrial giant, A. Furber, has reportedly not left her house for a few months. Rumors suggest that Furber is hard at work on something.


Section E. Featured Story: Ruber’s Catering
by J. Freedwoppen

Ruber’s Catering—a restaurant owned and operated by Ruber Salami—was shut down momentarily over the weekend after a few guests became deathly ill.

An investigation immediately followed, and there is considerable evidence that Ruber was using fish from the Cavootti pond.

King Arthur had previously forbidden the selling and eating of fish from that pond, so he was outraged. Ruber was ordered to appear before the king.

This is what Ruber had to say about the whole matter:

“Listen, casualties are normal, eh? Every food place has had casualties. It’s a part of the business. Inseparable. Just like…uhh…bread and butter.

Ironically, all the guests who had taken ill died moments after Ruber’s address.


Section F. Hearing from the PL Family

PL family, if you have any questions about the Punchy Lands, characters, or anything Punchy, feel free to comment below with your questions.

The Punchy Times principal reporter, J. Freedwoppen, would be more than glad to cover or investigate your query.


Last week, three questions were posed by the PLF:

(1) krugthethinker asked: Is it more offensive to be called a turtle-cur or porpoise?

(2) Angeline M asked: What are Ms. Ross’s credentials?

(3) Sonya Solomonovich asked: What is Daddy Salami’s real name?


(1) Interestingly enough, Krug, upon careful investigation, it appears that Daddy Salami is the only PL’er who uses ‘turtle-cur.’ And porpoise, I suppose, could be widely used. Personally, I would cringe more if I was called ‘turtle-cur’ than porpoise.

(2) I’m so glad you brought this up, Angeline! I’ve been wondering about this for a while, and now have the perfect excuse to investigate it! Well, it appears that Ms. Ross was hired by the PLHO (Punchy Lands Health Organization) rather early in life. She may or may not have a relation on its board. As to her credentials, there’s not much information. Very well guarded. And then, of course, we must ask the question: “Why?”

(3) Well, Sonya, this is definitely an intriguing question. But since England is stranded in the Dark Ages (also ruled by an autocrat) there are no records of any kind. We are left, then, to take Daddy Salami at his word—which is a risky business.

Thanks for writing in, PF!
~ J. Freedwoppen


Until next time, this is the PL Times!


65 Responses to “The PL Times, E2”

  1. 1 Beekman October 17, 2013 at 15:52


    • 2 Professor VJ Duke October 17, 2013 at 19:44


  2. 3 krugthethinker October 2, 2013 at 16:06

    This is so fun! Thanks for answering my question:) I am waiting with great anticipation for the further results (disasters?) of Ruber’s new profession!

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke October 2, 2013 at 17:25

      No problem! The professor loves to answer questions from the PLF!

  3. 5 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 18:55

    Well, I’d actually get much more pleasure out of seeing you read something you enjoy…but sadly that’s just the way FF is. While you’re all at your weekly meeting of BookHaters Anonymous I’m across the road at BookLovers United.

    As S-EP of the PFC, I should hope I hold some sway… ;)

    I’m always right – especially about Lizio and Darby!

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:53

      Well…I don’t know what to say. The professor does have a book–not Twain–that he loves very much.

      :lol: Thank goodness, FEF’s around to keep order! The professor has very trying days in the PL…

      Not always, you know…

      • 7 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 21:37

        What book, C-W-W?

        Yes, always! ;)

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:43

        Don’t laugh! Robin Hood.

        No, not always.

  4. 9 Jennifer September 17, 2013 at 09:40

    A. Definitely 1.
    B. discomfort with comfort. Hmm. You prefer to be our of your comfort zone, or dislike the security of comfortable, or ……..

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:48

      Except for the professor. He’s the exception. And the devil.

      I like being very professorish.

  5. 11 Jackie September 16, 2013 at 23:17

    It’s been a really long day and I’m tired which means my brain has gone missing for the evening. This also means I don’t have anything worthwhile to say except that I love the PL Times! :-D

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 00:25

      :D Thank you! A very appreciative professor.

  6. 13 sonya solomonovich September 16, 2013 at 21:54

    Ah, it’s great to have so much fresh Punchy Land news. Thanks for answering my question!

    I think porpoises are rather cute, so it would be more of a friendly thing to call someone.

    Regarding Ruber’s catering… This could be just a crazy conspiracy theory but I wonder if Daddy Salami is trying to sabotage it by substituting poisoned fish?

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 22:39

      No problem! But, Freedwoppen did it, you know.

      I agree completely.

      A brilliant idea! It does seem like the thing DS would do, doesn’t it?

  7. 15 The Dancing Rider September 16, 2013 at 20:53

    Enjoying the PL Times.

    #1 proverb. I think Merlin is a bit too impressed with himself. But then, maybe the PL’s really DO need him.

    I’m with the professor. I can’t be comfortable for long. Really, it’s the best way to be I think!

    I like Mr. Magi. But I don’t know why.

    As for the breaking news, liked the news re Schwarz the best. Last, but not least, just when I feel sorry for Ruber he uses toxic fish, and then thinks a certain percentage of casualty is ok. Grrrrr.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 22:38


      I doubt it. You see, I think Merlin lacks discriminating wit. That is his main problem. Personally, I’m sure the PL could do without him.

      Awesome! Why is it that best way? (Just curious.)

      Hmm, that’s interesting. Does he seem sensible? He’s definitely concerned about the PL.

      Yeah, that wasn’t a great thing to say. But Ruber does live in the dark ages. Maybe that makes it a bit more acceptable? Plus, look at his dad!

      Do you think Schwarz dull or sweet?

      • 17 The Dancing Rider September 17, 2013 at 13:03

        Yes, you point out Merlin’s …. shortcoming.

        It’s good to challenge oneself, even if it is only from time-to-time. Ok to be comfy, too, off and on. It is the “moving and learning” thing.

        Mr. Magi sometimes seems sensible – but I do think he cares about the PL.

        Oh! Yes! the Dark Ages. Then, there is his father, as you point out. Even if Ruber were to break out from the curse of DS being his “father”, I fear his learned (note I say “learned”, in case DS is NOT Ruber’s real father) personality traits may have become ingrained. Feeding people toxic fish can’t be acceptable in any case!

        I think Schwarz may be more clever, and less dull, that he seems. Underneath, I think he may be sweet. I don’t know for sure. :)

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:54

        Yes, Mr. Magi does seem to care. He’s a bit…scattered, I think.

        That’s true. But maybe the poison wouldn’t effect Ruber–he’s strange like that. So maybe he thought the fish perfectly safe.

        I see what you’re saying.

  8. 19 Anja September 16, 2013 at 17:16

    I quite enjoy this and still learning my way around PL. :). What a wonderful land it seems to me. Wish I could travel there.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 22:35

      That’s great! A strange one, definitely Punchyish. Well, I’m working on that. As of now, this is as close as one can get, though. It isn’t that bad, is it? :)

      • 21 Anja September 16, 2013 at 23:11

        *kicks dirt* No I wanna gooooooo there NOW

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 00:24

        Hmm, well I see. Aren’t you there in a way now?

      • 23 Anja September 17, 2013 at 00:36

        I am looking in….not actually there.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 01:36

        That sounds so dreadful! Maybe you’re more a part than you think…

      • 25 Anja September 17, 2013 at 01:39

        Is this a Professorism? Do I need The Book to figure out what that means? Or just hush and wait……

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 01:44

        Well, yes, just wait. It might work. As you continue to experience the PL, I think you maybe become more and more a part of it. That’s what happened to me. :)

      • 27 Anja September 17, 2013 at 01:46

        If you could see my face it is perplexed and full of wonderment. No emoticon can capture it. Fine…fine…wait…wait….ugh…..I have ADHD…oh look a squirrel

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 02:01


      • 29 Anja September 17, 2013 at 02:03

        Oh my….what am I walking into….. :P

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 02:20

        Nothing terrible, I assure you. Just Punchyish.

      • 31 Anja September 17, 2013 at 02:27

        Now I feel punch drunk…..oh did you see what I did there ;)

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:54

        :lol: No, you mean that you feel Punchyish!

  9. 33 L. Marie September 16, 2013 at 15:47

    Number 1!! I think I’d rather be called a porpoise.
    Why do people keep eating at Ruber’s restaurant???
    What is A. Furber working on?
    Where can I get some Sotsiz tea?

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 16:21

      Yes, me too. Sounds…friendlier.

      That’s a good question. You mean you wouldn’t go and try it? (Just skip the fish.)

      I’m not sure. It’s a great question. Would you like Freedwoppen to look into it?

      Only the PL, I’m afraid.

  10. 35 Susan P September 16, 2013 at 15:35

    “Beat those who spoil the fun.” What, exactly, does this mean? Does it mean to get a stick and beat them, or does it mean to work toward having more fun than others? Dear me. A Monday morning conundrum. Ambiguous in fact. Too early in the week to have to think, Shnodgrate, too too early. :D

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 16:20

      :lol: And the professor didn’t think about it that way! But, after asking Shnodgrate, he said that it’s the first one. So, it’s quite simple after all–which is a good thing. Do you agree with the proverb?

      • 37 Susan P September 16, 2013 at 18:21

        Maybe we should get a stick and beat Shnodgrate. Hmmm… I’d say the spoilers should have to write an in-depth presentation of Melville and Moby Dick. I’m all about prolonging their agony.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 22:44

        :lol: Goodness! Moby Dick is too bad of a punishment, don’t you think? Dadblameit!

      • 39 Susan P September 16, 2013 at 23:45

        Maybe – how about one of Melville’s short stories. I’m partial to Bartleby, the Scrivener.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 00:29

        Ooo, are they brutal too?

      • 41 Susan P September 17, 2013 at 02:35

        The short stories are the best things he wrote – in my opinion. If you’ve never read Bartleby, you might enjoy it. Kind of punchy-ish. I can see Schwartz pulling it off in a skit. :D

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:55

        Schwarz in a skit? I’ve never read it, but now I’m highly interested!

  11. 43 ladycheetah7 September 16, 2013 at 14:49

    #1 all the way! Working with social vampires drains the life out of you. You know, the blood sucking co-dependent critters that somehow believe you being apart of there work life and obsessing over your existence somehow completes them and helps them forget their miserable lives. Ahhhhhh. Welp, that is why I have to go people watching at Walmart for kicks and giggles. :-)
    Methinks this one time Ruber should have listened to his father for once. I would like to see if he is able to redeem himself after a town of casualties…

    • 44 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 15:28

      :lol: Social vampires is great. You go and watch to laugh? That is splendid. Very Punchyish, Lady, very Punchyish.

      Well, maybe we should blame it on the fish. It wasn’t really Ruber’s fault, was it?

      • 45 ladycheetah7 September 16, 2013 at 16:19

        Um no and Ruber knew those fish were toxic so this is probably murder In the first degree. .says my law and order law degree advice…lol

      • 46 ladycheetah7 September 16, 2013 at 16:22

        Well actually, I don’t go to wally world to laugh. I actually go shopping and happen to see things there I would not see at Tar-jay (Target) like a person with ripped holes in their jeans advertising their

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 16:28

        I think I may agree with you about Ruber. But certainly he couldn’t murder?

        :lol: :lol: Tar-jay is much better. The professor shudders when he enters wally. I feel for you, Lady. Perhaps you should wear sunglasses to dampen the light?

      • 48 Susan P September 16, 2013 at 18:23

        I definitely have to gird up my loins in order to visit WM.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 22:43

        Isn’t that the truth! It’s very scary in there…

  12. 50 Hazy September 16, 2013 at 14:08

    Section A: I liked the first proverb. Sounds like a fair advice, no?

    Section B: I agree with the professor.

    Section D: “Schwarz is unconcerned, believing it quite possible for another formerly unknown uncle to die in the near future.” – Oh, Schwarz. Hahaha.

    • 51 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 15:26

      I think so, definitely! Shnodgrate writes all the proverbs (unless otherwise noted). I think he does a good job, but some of the Punchy Family think he’s horrid.

      Ahh, thank you! Don’t you just know that something bad is going to happen when you’re too comfortable?

      :lol: Do you think he’s a bit dull? Or sweet?

      • 52 Hazy September 17, 2013 at 11:44

        A good job, indeed! Please give Shnodgrate a pat on the back for me. I like the proverbs. Sections A and B are my favorite parts of the PL times. :)

        Oh, yes. I know what you mean! Like when every time I feel too happy or something seems perfect, I just know that something’s bound to go wrong.

        Hmm… Sweetly dull, perhaps? Yeah, I think that’s it.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:56

        I will! I’ll tell Shnodgrate–he’ll be thrilled.

        :lol: Sadly, that’s true. Just like when you feel Punchyish, it’s about to get more Punchy–if that makes sense.

        Perfect! Sweetly-dull! Exactly right, I think.

  13. 54 FictionFan September 16, 2013 at 12:48

    Definitely 1 – in fact, that could well be my personal motto. Shnodgrate has managed to make sense, at last! Whereas poor Merlin really should retire…

    Wear shoes two sizes too small, then.

    In the PL, what book is The Book?

    Isn’t Schwarz just lovely? To lose a fortune and yet be unconcerned – he’s so sweet!

    Is that the restaurant you were suggesting FF should visit, dear C-W-W? It wasn’t me who made you read P&P, you know…

    • 55 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 15:24

      Ha! Interesting… I’ve found FEF’s personal motto. Surprising. I did warn you about Merlin, you know. You’re so painfully honest–which is good. :lol:

      Tom Sawyer didn’t wear shoes, you know.

      Well, I believe that only Mr. Magi reads it. What do you think it is?

      Or dull. Depends on what you think, I suppose. Isn’t Dennis a genius?

      Yes, it was. You should visit one day. I’m planning on it too. Just don’t order fish.

      I’m still suffering from P&P aftershock.

      • 56 FictionFan September 16, 2013 at 16:07

        But these Punchy people are so unreliable…one week Shnoddy’s an old fool who makes no sense, then the next week it’s Merlin…thank goodness my Schwarzy is always the same little sweetiepie…

        But was that comfortable or uncomfortable?

        Since Mr Magi is a man of great sense and wisdom, who reminds me very much of my dear Professor, I suspect it’s probably Sense and Sensibility.

        Sweet. No, he’s very mean to take advantage of my favourite chafafah, Schwarzy.

        Or chicken…or lemonade…

        Yes, a really fantastic book can have that effect!

        Guess what arrived in the post today?

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 16:26

        Shh! Shnodgrate might hear you, and then the professor will catch it! You wanted to hear from Merlin, didn’t you?

        I’m sure it was quite uncomfortable, don’t you think?

        No, I’m afraid that’s quite wrong. You must go stand behind your chair. ;) (Mr. Magi and the professor…hmm…)

        :lol: I love how you use that word! Frim Fram Sauce…

        I’d tell you what to order, and we could have Schwarz test it for us.

        As of now, I’m wondering if I should do a series of three rips or not…that’s how much info is there.

        No! It didn’t, did it? Mail service must be fast out there! This is amazing!!! You must tell me what you think…or lie…

      • 58 FictionFan September 16, 2013 at 18:56

        Oh, after seeing the Professor’s bravery in cutting the Pompous Prince down to size, I’m confident he could face up to Shnoddy. You see, Merlin seemed quite sensible last week…maybe he’s eaten at Ruber’s cafe since then…

        Perhaps he’s a hobbit, though.

        Then, is it The Adventures of Ruber Sawyer and Sausageberry Finn?

        Don’t you get saucy with me, now! You’re one of my favourite chafafahs too, BTW…

        How dare you? Trying to murder my Schwarzy? Let’s get Mr R-yucketh to taste the food…and order fish…

        Only three? I’m sure your jealousy of Darby could inspire you for more than that…

        First listen – excellent! Particularly the adagio from the concierto, which is quite beautiful. (And I didn’t even have to lie…)

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2013 at 22:42

        No, Merlin lacks discriminating wit–in the highest degree possible, I believe.

        :lol: Not a hobbit, dadblameit!

        How many chafafahs do you have?

        This professor doesn’t want to be responsible for murder!

        That’s true. I’m thinking up a fiendish plan. A new way to do ripios…a cooler way…

        :D :D :cool: It is beautiful! The professor loves the whole concierto. The 2nd movement is so melodic, with the opening Bm chords on the guitar, and then the English Horn…ah!

        Let me know what you think of the solo stuff, too. You might not like it as much.

      • 60 FictionFan September 16, 2013 at 23:28

        Firstly, stop asking everyone if my chafafah is dull or sweet! He’s sweet, OK!! And I notice you seemed to be quite willing to murder him, just not Ruber! Hmm! I’m beginning to think you must be jealous of Schwarzy as well as Darby…which makes me think perhaps Schwarz is the Darby of the PL after all…

        I have loads and loads of chafafahs, don’t you? You, Schwarz, T&T, Rafa, chocolate, Darby, ice lollies…even BigSister most days! The new definition of it is simply ‘object of affection’…what did you think it meant? ;)

        Hmm! Couldn’t you practice the new way on some book I hate/haven’t read first…? Not even if I begged?

        I usually like to listen a few times before making my mind up about individual pieces – I need to see which ones will begin to stand out. But in general, I actually prefer solo guitar to guitar and orchestra. The overall impression on the first listen was very favourable though – thank you for the recommendation, dear chafafah! :D

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 00:28

        Now, the professor understands! At first, I wasn’t sure, but now I know. You’re the one that’s jealous of Darby!!! That’s why you harp on it so much. You’re just embarrassed to say it. But if you really want to be like him, go ahead. The professor approves.

        No, I don’t think so. I thought it meant something that fascinated you.

        I suppose so… Do you really not want to see P&P ripped?

        Ah! I understand. Do you like solo guitar? Now you must learn how to play it.

      • 62 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 01:16

        Jealous of Lizio, perhaps, but not Darby! Who could look into those smouldering eyes and harbour any ill-feeling?

        Hmm…I think I may prefer your definition – and both you and Schwarz would still be my chafafahs… ;)

        No, but that’s my problem – not yours. So don’t let it influence you – I’m sure you won’t.

        That would count as a crime against music! But yes, I do enjoy solo guitar though I’m deeply unknowledgeable about it – about music in general in fact.

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 01:43

        I think Lizio did at one point–until she noticed how wealthy he was. What a horrid concept. Tells a lot about Austen, you know.

        Then I suppose DNA would be too?

        Surprisingly, I actually might. You see, I thought you would enjoy seeing P&P ripped. The professor is seriously considering discontinuing rips… If dear FEF isn’t happy about something…

        Awesome! :D The professor is thrilled, surprised, and…professorish.

      • 64 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 13:49

        Oh, dear C-W-W! Please don’t give up the ripios! I do enjoy your rips – and so do all your PLF members. They’re filled with all your usual humour. It’s just that the screeds of book-hate comments that follow them make me feel out of place – I seem to be the only one in the whole PL who actually likes these old classics. And I can’t join in and call people like Conan Doyle and Fitzgerald ‘dull’ and ‘lame’ – but there’s no point in me sticking up for them either – I’m hardly going to change anyone’s mind. But the problem (which is my problem, and a silly one) is easily solved by my just staying away from those comments threads. I still read and enjoy the ripios though…

        So please go ahead and rip P&P – I never expected that you would enjoy it anyway. And I’m sorry I said I didn’t want you to rip it – I assumed you’d go ahead anyway.

        (Though you’re completely wrong about Lizio – she knew he had ten thousand a year when she refused him, and only accepted him once she discovered his true character. And that’s why those of us who love her, love her.)

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 17:17

        But surely there must be a book that you’d love to see ripped and abused? I think I’d have to read it just for you, so that you could enjoy the hateful comments–and maybe even join in!

        (I did enjoy The Hound book. You see, it’s just that anything can be ripped. The professor has even been thinking about ripping Twain!)

        Hmm, now you’re begging the professor to rip P&P? See how much sway FEF holds? ;) It’s all about the PF here–on this side of the PL, you know…

        I hope you’re right! (In the book, I think she said it as a joke anyway.)

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
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12. Rats and a Heifer
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14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
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