The PL Times
The Official Punchy Lands’ Newspaper
Monday, September 16, 2013
Section A. Punchy Proverbs:
(1) Sometimes you may be tempted to like people; when this happens, spend more time in society.
(2) Beat those who spoil the fun.
(3) If I could retire, I would. But I can’t retire, because the PL very much needs me.
The last proverb was written by Merlin. How I convinced Shnodgrate to include it, dear PF, is a great mystery.
Section B. Something you should know about the professor:
The professor is uncomfortable with being comfortable.
Section C. What the PL’ers have to say:
(1) I would give most anything—even the ring on my pinky finger–to know why Dr. Zauberer is a doctor. – Prince Beef
(2) Sitting by a fire drinking Sotsiz tea and reading The Book—it can’t get much better. – Mr. Magi
Section D. Breaking News:
King Arthur of England and Emperor Napoleon of France fought a very brief war (it lasted only 6 hours) over which empire would win a war. The result was a stalemate, and the war ended.
Schwarz Tauptinker inherited a vast fortune from a formerly unknown uncle who suddenly passed away. However, computer technician and genius, Dennis, quickly and quietly stole the fortune. No proof can be obtained. Schwarz is unconcerned, believing it quite possible for another formerly unknown uncle to die in the near future.
Famed industrial giant, A. Furber, has reportedly not left her house for a few months. Rumors suggest that Furber is hard at work on something.
Section E. Featured Story: Ruber’s Catering
by J. Freedwoppen
Ruber’s Catering—a restaurant owned and operated by Ruber Salami—was shut down momentarily over the weekend after a few guests became deathly ill.
An investigation immediately followed, and there is considerable evidence that Ruber was using fish from the Cavootti pond.
King Arthur had previously forbidden the selling and eating of fish from that pond, so he was outraged. Ruber was ordered to appear before the king.
This is what Ruber had to say about the whole matter:
“Listen, casualties are normal, eh? Every food place has had casualties. It’s a part of the business. Inseparable. Just like…uhh…bread and butter.
Ironically, all the guests who had taken ill died moments after Ruber’s address.
Section F. Hearing from the PL Family
PL family, if you have any questions about the Punchy Lands, characters, or anything Punchy, feel free to comment below with your questions.
The Punchy Times principal reporter, J. Freedwoppen, would be more than glad to cover or investigate your query.
Last week, three questions were posed by the PLF:
(1) krugthethinker asked: Is it more offensive to be called a turtle-cur or porpoise?
(2) Angeline M asked: What are Ms. Ross’s credentials?
(3) Sonya Solomonovich asked: What is Daddy Salami’s real name?
(1) Interestingly enough, Krug, upon careful investigation, it appears that Daddy Salami is the only PL’er who uses ‘turtle-cur.’ And porpoise, I suppose, could be widely used. Personally, I would cringe more if I was called ‘turtle-cur’ than porpoise.
(2) I’m so glad you brought this up, Angeline! I’ve been wondering about this for a while, and now have the perfect excuse to investigate it! Well, it appears that Ms. Ross was hired by the PLHO (Punchy Lands Health Organization) rather early in life. She may or may not have a relation on its board. As to her credentials, there’s not much information. Very well guarded. And then, of course, we must ask the question: “Why?”
(3) Well, Sonya, this is definitely an intriguing question. But since England is stranded in the Dark Ages (also ruled by an autocrat) there are no records of any kind. We are left, then, to take Daddy Salami at his word—which is a risky business.
Thanks for writing in, PF!
~ J. Freedwoppen
Until next time, this is the PL Times!