Daddy Salami’s Wife

There has been some concern about Daddy Salami’s wife among the Punchy Family, which the professor can understand—mostly. So to quell rumors, bad feelings, and to clear up the gray area, I contacted Mr. Jazzy Couldren—who was there in those days— for answers.

Below is his story.

Please excuse the Manly-Man dialect which creeps in frequently.

And without further ado…

***

Well…if you really want to know, I guess I will tell you what I remember about the entire chain of circumstances—mainly focusing on what happened to Daddy Salami’s wife.

If, of course, the person in question did exist. Which…is a bit of a gray area, as you will soon understand.

Before we get to that, I’ll have to give you the back-story of the affair.

At the time when this adventure, or misadventure (anything that concerns Daddy Salami soon becomes a misadventure), occurred I was living in a secluded house. I was surrounded by woods and was by myself.

Quite nice.

This was, by the way, before I’s became manly…which was before I’s became crazy…which was before—but wait…. I’m not supposed to be crazy in this article.

At any rate, I was living in the house attempting to hide from the police (which isn’t too hard if you’s manly) when, one day, I spotted a strange machine in the woods.

I went out to it and spied the name Engine Cauliflower upon it. Now, anyone that would be afraid of a machine with that name on it wouldn’t be very manly.

And even if I wasn’t totally manly then, I wasn’t a macaroni. So I got into the machine and pressed a few buttons.

Suddenly, there was a bright light and I was in a different place—but still surrounded by a forest. I was on a square platform raised at least thirty feet above the forest floor. Steps led down from the platform.

Yes, it was a little strange.

I descended the stairs off the platform and began to walk forward (something anyone partially manly would do). Soon, I came upon a ramshackle castle. A few of the towers looked very near toppling.

The drawbridge to the castle was wide open and I walked right in without a qualm.

I was in a huge, dark and smoky hall, and Salami and his horribly ugly son were sitting at a table talking.

It was the first time I had heard such cackling as Salami’s laugh and the first time I saw a creature as ugly as Ruber. This is something like the conversation that was taking place:

Ruber was saying, “Oh please, you porpoise!”

And Salami returned, “Shut up, ya cur! You’re makin’ your daddy angry.”

“What? What for?”

“Cause you’re trying to disobey him and eat chicken when you haven’t eaten any vegetables!”

“But there aren’t any vegetables!”

“Then I guess you can’t have any chicken.”

That was when they saw me. I was greeted with an angry, “Who’re you?” from the patriarch of the ‘family’.

Being somewhat manly, as I already mentioned, I walked up to their table and sat down. It was then I saw what they were squabbling about.

A whole chicken, if such a scrawny bird can be called whole, was sitting on the table.

I said, “I’s hungry from my long journey. Maybe you can share your little tiny bird with me?”

Salami’s mouth dropped.

I took this as a sign of consent and took a drumstick (not the ice-cream kind sadly; this tasted much worse…).

Ruber said, “Oh my. This is going to get ugly.”

“Kill him, Ruber,” Salami said matter-of-factly.

“I’m not going to kill him; you kill him.”

At this point I realized the matter wasn’t going to turn out to well. I dropped the drumstick and said, “Well, I’d better be getting back to my machine now…”

“Vhat? What machine?” Salami asked.

“Nothing…” I said, as I slowly rose and began to make for the open gate.

But Salami jumped up and moved very quickly for his heftiness and smallness (maybe a macaroni, I had thought, but he’s not).

He cut off my escape.

Then I spotted a staircase and I ran for it with everything I had.

(Once again, I must remind the reader, I was not my full manly self, as in: I had not trained as ninja yet, I had not become a wrestler yet, I had not performed the twelve labors of Hercules yet, etc.)

I managed to make it to the staircase, as Salami gave off some sort of horrible yell for Ruber to get me.

Ruber too began to chase me, but he’s a rather slow brute—unlike his freakily nimble father.

I made it down the staircase and came into a kitchen. Well…maybe it was a kitchen. All I know is that it was filled with dirty dishes (and I believe I spotted several piles of dirty laundry).

A poor woman was inside trying to clean the ridiculous amount of dirty dishes in a massive bucket of soapy water.

I ran past her trying to find an exit in the maze of clutter.

She stood from cleaning the dishes and yelled, “Get out of my kitchen! You are ruining my kitchen!” (Very unfriendly, but in Salami’s clan, one must fight for their rights, I do believe.)

Then Salami came running down the stairs and he crashed right into her.

They fell into the bucket and spilled water all over the floor.

Ruber came bumbling down the stairs next and slipped in the soapy water. He fell on top of the woman and Salami.

The door was open for me, and I made my escape.

Salami screeched out something incoherently as I’s exited the castle.

After a minute of running through the forest, I’s foolishly slowed down. My half un-manly calf muscles couldn’t take it no more.

Then I heard horses behind me.

I looked. Salami and Ruber was chasing me on horses. Well…they’s wasn’t really horses. Ruber’s was more like a pony, and Salami’s was unbelievably fat.

I began to run again, and despite their bedraggled steeds they were still catching up.

Then, I reached the platform where the cauliflower was—I mean the Engine Cauliflower.

I ran up the stairs.

Ruber and Salami dismounted and began to climb up after me. Now, while Salami might be fast over an open space—up stairs he’s hopeless. And Ruber, as I have said, wasn’t the most agile of creatures.

I got to the top of the staircase first and got into the machine.

Ruber got up next, as I tried to fidget with the machine to get it to take me out of there, and he got in the other door.

He said, “Get us out of here, before my dad gets us!”

I didn’t waste any time to think on the request. (I’m sure you’ll understand why Ruber wanted to get out of there.)

Salami finally reached the top, as I was doing everything within my power to get the machine to get us out of there, and he began to try and open Ruber’s door.

Ruber held the door shut and finally I hit the right button. We made it!

There was a bright flash, and I was back at my house. That horribly ugly creature called Ruber, was with me. (We would later become friends…until he became really unmanly as I became manlier.)

We exited, and then we saw it. The worst news of the whole day.

Salami was still with us—he was frozen like an icicle on the side of the machine, as if he had been clawing to get in.

But such things as him don’t die. And now you know why the Punchy Lands has been plagued with him ever since.

Anyway, this was supposed to be about Salami’s wife, so you’re probably wondering where she was. Well…rumor has spread that that woman was Ruber’s mother and Salami’s wife.

And yes, I mean the woman we left back in the ramshackle castle. Not much evidence for it, but she was the only woman in the castle.

I think.

So maybe she was Salami’s wife.

Well, there’s you have it. The entire story, I has done gave you. At least that’s most of it.

Hey, stay manly!

***

Well, there you have it: Jazzy’s story. What do you think PF? Are your questions answered?

 

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65 Responses to “Daddy Salami’s Wife”


  1. 1 krugthethinker September 28, 2013 at 14:07

    Oh my! I guess we should not be surprised, given the nature of the Salami Family. But I do hope she can somehow escape from the dirty dishes…and maybe from Salami himself!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke September 28, 2013 at 16:24

      Personally, the professor bets she’s still in that kitchen washing dishes–to this day! I can’t say for sure that that was Salami’s wife, though… I’m just not sure.

  2. 3 Angeline M September 18, 2013 at 18:29

    To cut to the chase, the question of DS’s wife remains unanswered, and this leaves even more questions. Like what happened to that Cauliflower engine thing so someone could go back to find that woman and see who else is in that castle. And maybe Ruber is not related at all to DS but is only the son of the hired help.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 23:48

      You mean all the post did is mystify more? Dadblameit. The professor thought it straightforward. But you do have great points. ;)

  3. 5 The Dancing Rider September 18, 2013 at 13:42

    (Once again, I must remind the reader, I was not my full manly self, as in: I had not trained as ninja yet, I had not become a wrestler yet, I had not performed the twelve labors of Hercules yet, etc.) : L. O. L. ;-)

    I doubt this was Salami’s wife. I don’t think Salami is Ruber’s dad. My theory is that Salami never had a wife…. at least thus far in my PL reading.

    However.

    If this WAS Salami’s wife, it explains her “disappearance”.

    Glad I couldn’t actually hear Salami’s screeching. The laugh alone gives me the willies!

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 18:00

      :D Isn’t MM a funny? He’s commenting around–if you’ve noticed.

      Ah, very interesting. I can’t say I disagree. That’s true. It was my hope that the disappearance would have been dealt with.

      Me too!

  4. 7 ladycheetah7 September 17, 2013 at 23:04

    Okay. I can’t get pass the family of ugly..lol . Welp, the mystery still remains as to her existence. I mean what self respecting punchy lander would allow this woman to wash clothes and dishes without a descent set of appliances. ..doggone shame.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:39

      But do you think it was Salami’s wife?

      • 9 ladycheetah7 September 18, 2013 at 01:41

        I really don’t know. There’s too much mystery surrounding this lady. For all I know she could have been the hired help. Maybe not. I think Daddy Salami is too cheap to hire labor.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 18:01

        I would agree. Definitely too cheap.

  5. 11 Uzoma September 17, 2013 at 20:11

    Very amusing, Prof. I have been giving some thought about Salami’s wife. A distinct personality I must say. But I wonder if there more than what meets the eyes.

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:37

      Hello! Yes, I must agree. There’s more than meets the eyes. Do you think that the woman in the kitchen was Salami’s wife?

      • 13 Uzoma September 18, 2013 at 23:07

        A part of me thinks not. But then, I’ve to follow closely to find out the real answer.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 23:51

        Very true. I think, personally, that it wasn’t.

  6. 15 Susan P September 17, 2013 at 18:39

    I’m of the opinion that a manly man (even the half-baked variety) are not manly if they leave their wife and daughter to clean up that kind of mess in the kitchen. Poor creatures. At the very least they should have left a supply of paper plates. Alas! I think that perhaps we need a complete history of the PL. Written by a flying monkey while he drinks that ghastly tea they have in the PL. Maybe Hollywood will pick up the movie rights. :D

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:51

      :lol: Are you calling the professor a flying monkey?! It is my duty, you see, to write that history! (And wouldn’t you want to try the tea?) Picked up by Hollywood? That’d be awesome. But would you watch it?

      • 17 Susan P September 17, 2013 at 21:00

        Of course I would watch it. :D

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:37

        I wouldn’t, you know.

      • 19 Susan P September 18, 2013 at 14:01

        :D

    • 20 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 21:41

      ( :lol: Can’t help but notice Susan didn’t deny calling the Professor a flying monkey…lovely image!)

      • 21 Susan P September 17, 2013 at 22:24

        (Shhhhh!)

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:38

        Oh dear. Now the PF will picture the professor that way.

  7. 23 sonya solomonovich September 17, 2013 at 18:26

    Lol, a fantastic tale. I particularly enjoyed the sentence “such things as him don’t die.”

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:50

      I know! MM is a funny writer. Did you see that he’s finally joined the blog?

      • 25 sonya solomonovich September 17, 2013 at 21:25

        Ah yes, a very interesting character. One of my favorites, I think.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:38

        I’m sure he’s glad to here that!

  8. 27 deanthefish September 17, 2013 at 14:34

    It sounds honest enough and straight forward to me. Thank’s Manly Man!

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:45

      Absolutely! And you’re right, Mr. Fish. MM wouldn’t tell tales–especially about this.

    • 29 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 18:24

      Hmm! Either Mr Fish has suddenly become very trusting too or there’s some kind of a conspiracy going on here!

      But I’m so glad to see you – I was afraid you were one of the fish that appeared so tragically in yesterday’s newspaper…

      • 30 Jazzy Couldren September 17, 2013 at 18:31

        Thank’s fishy.

      • 31 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 18:42

        (Aha! Very fishy!)

      • 32 deanthefish September 17, 2013 at 18:57

        No I don’t swim there.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:50

        :lol:

  9. 34 L. Marie September 17, 2013 at 14:28

    I’s still trying to picture his half un-manly calf muscles. And I’s still wondering how much of the story is true, since he says, “This was, by the way, before I’s became manly…which was before I’s became crazy…which was before—but wait…. I’m not supposed to be crazy in this article.” (His dialect rubs off! I’ll probably go all day saying, “I’s going to do such and such.”)

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:45

      :lol: Me too! It’s hard to imagine MM without muscles…

      Oh, I’m sure it’s all completely true. MM wouldn’t lie, you know.

      :D I know! This professor finds himself sometimes speaking MM dialect too! But it’s fun, isn’t it?

      • 36 Jazzy Couldren September 17, 2013 at 18:15

        Maybe you can both Join the MANLY club!

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:49

        :cool:

  10. 38 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 12:41

    Huh! Sounds to me like Manly Man has been bribed to provide a false alibi! I mean, he’s not exactly got a good record when it comes to getting rid of wives himself. And as a police chief, who better to fix the evidence? Personally I think the ninja stuff is all an act – I think he is a macaroni!

    No, thanks for trying Prof – but the mystery remains…the only person who could possibly get to the truth is…Daddy Olmes!!

    • 39 Jazzy Couldren September 17, 2013 at 15:42

      You ain’t being really nice to me… You’s being insulting.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:44

        Nice to finally see you! It seems you’ve finally taken my advice. Manly-Man, the PLF sometimes picks on the professor. It’ll be great to have your help. ;)

      • 41 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 18:05

        :lol: :lol: You look just as I imagined…! I do apologise – it’s just that I’ve got this unreasonable aversion to men who throw their wives and daughters in bathtubs – but perhaps you’d like to explain your reasons? Till then I agree you might be crazy, but I doubt you’s manly…

        Anyway, I like macaroni…very tasty!

    • 42 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:43

      Really? I thought him quite honest. Well, interestingly enough, his wife (and daughter) still torture him to this day. Both escaped from their…err…predicament.

      Manly-Man a macaroni? Oh dear. He won’t be happy. You see, he prides himself on being manly…

      There’s no mystery! Either Ruber was adopted and the woman was just a servant OR the woman was DS’s wife. See? Very simple and straightforward.

      Daddy Olmes better than the professor? I’m going to retire.

      • 43 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 18:13

        I’m very glad to hear it – he deserves to be tortured. You’re so trusting though – sweet C-W-W!

        Is it my duty in life to make Macaroni-Man happy? No, I thought not!

        OR the Sausage viciously bumped her off and Mr Couldren helped dispose of the body (I’m seriously hoping Ruber wasn’t involved or else meat pies are another thing to avoid in his cafe)…and now these two monsters have invented this faradiddle to put people off the scent…hmm!

        No, no! Nobody’s better than the Professor! I meant Daddy Olmes was better than the muscled one…(not much of a compliment, admittedly…)

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:49

        But if you were able to travel to the PL, you might be nicer to MM and the Sausage too…

        Faradiddle! Beautiful; just beautiful. Anyway, I suppose it’s possible, but I doubt it. JC was a respectable police chief in the beginning–right before he cracked. And it’s not like King Arthur would do anything for justice’s sake anyway.

        You do know that MM is friends with Arnold, don’t you? And Arnold is Kirk’s right hand man. You wouldn’t want to upset Kirk.

      • 45 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 21:55

        (I thought you’d like faradiddle… :D )

        Don’t tell me King Arthur’s in the conspiracy too?? Well, I’d be willing to reconsider and accept Manly Man’s manliness if only we could learn what drove him to treat his wife and daughter so badly…

        Surely a man as manly as Manly Man is too manly to need help from another man just to deal with one ‘little kitty’?

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:40

        :D It’s amazing! Is it FEF’s creation?

        No, probably not. He doesn’t concern himself with such matters–probably. I think you’d agree with Manly-Man if you ever met Peaches and Billy-Sue…

        But the kitty is…

      • 47 FictionFan September 18, 2013 at 01:38

        No! It’s a real word.

        Then you must introduce us…

        Hmm…FF fears to know what the missing word is…

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 18:02

        It’s still good, though.

        I might not.

        Definitely a good word. :)

    • 49 Jazzy Couldren September 17, 2013 at 18:18

      You ain’t a very nice little kitty. And I’s so manly that I ain’t gonna go crazy on you.

      • 50 FictionFan September 17, 2013 at 18:21

        Ooooh, scared!! :shock: I’ll just go put some cushions in my bathtub…

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:49

        FEF, I’m sorry that MM is getting a little…mean. He does that from time to time.

  11. 52 Anja September 17, 2013 at 12:37

    I am smiling so big after reading this. So much fun….and I wonder if that really was his wife? One may never know but truly enjoyed the journey.

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:39

      Well, it could have been his wife. Jazzy seemed to think so. You see, some think that Ruber was adopted.

      • 54 Anja September 17, 2013 at 19:04

        It may NOT be his wife as well. No proof either way :)

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:53

        But, if it isn’t, why does it matter?

      • 56 Anja September 17, 2013 at 22:03

        I never said if it mattered or not. I was merely making an observation. :) Your question could be regarded as “defensive” which also suggests that maybe the truth wasn’t told? What do I know?

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:42

        The truth is always told in the PL…

  12. 58 Jackie September 17, 2013 at 12:21

    Curiouser and curiouser. That was an amusing story but it doesn’t really tell you much and about Salami’s wife. Other than she washes dishes and gets peeved at people in her kitchen. What happened BEFORE the great machine escape? Does anyone know?

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 16:39

      Do you mean what was Daddy Salami’s and Ruber’s life like before Jazzy met them?

      • 60 Jackie September 17, 2013 at 17:08

        Yes! I want to know what their life was like before. I think that could explain a lot but it may be something that can never be known which would be typical of PL. On the other hand, it may be better not to know – some things are just like that. :-D

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 17:18

        I completely agree with you! It would be great to know. But only Ruber and Salami could answer that question. How would one go about figuring it out, do you think?

      • 62 Jackie September 17, 2013 at 18:03

        Well, that’s a great question! The only way seems to be if DS or Ruber (or both) were willing to talk or somehow a twist of fate caused one if them to slip-up and say something about it. Neither scenario seemly very likely so I suppose it will remain an enigma for now. :-?

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke September 17, 2013 at 19:45

        I think you’re right. Perhaps a book (carefully written and researched by the professor) might help one day…

      • 64 Jackie September 17, 2013 at 21:37

        I think that would be delightful! :-D

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2013 at 00:42

        :D :cool: Or scary…


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