There has been some concern about Daddy Salami’s wife among the Punchy Family, which the professor can understand—mostly. So to quell rumors, bad feelings, and to clear up the gray area, I contacted Mr. Jazzy Couldren—who was there in those days— for answers.
Below is his story.
Please excuse the Manly-Man dialect which creeps in frequently.
And without further ado…
Well…if you really want to know, I guess I will tell you what I remember about the entire chain of circumstances—mainly focusing on what happened to Daddy Salami’s wife.
If, of course, the person in question did exist. Which…is a bit of a gray area, as you will soon understand.
Before we get to that, I’ll have to give you the back-story of the affair.
At the time when this adventure, or misadventure (anything that concerns Daddy Salami soon becomes a misadventure), occurred I was living in a secluded house. I was surrounded by woods and was by myself.
This was, by the way, before I’s became manly…which was before I’s became crazy…which was before—but wait…. I’m not supposed to be crazy in this article.
At any rate, I was living in the house attempting to hide from the police (which isn’t too hard if you’s manly) when, one day, I spotted a strange machine in the woods.
I went out to it and spied the name Engine Cauliflower upon it. Now, anyone that would be afraid of a machine with that name on it wouldn’t be very manly.
And even if I wasn’t totally manly then, I wasn’t a macaroni. So I got into the machine and pressed a few buttons.
Suddenly, there was a bright light and I was in a different place—but still surrounded by a forest. I was on a square platform raised at least thirty feet above the forest floor. Steps led down from the platform.
Yes, it was a little strange.
I descended the stairs off the platform and began to walk forward (something anyone partially manly would do). Soon, I came upon a ramshackle castle. A few of the towers looked very near toppling.
The drawbridge to the castle was wide open and I walked right in without a qualm.
I was in a huge, dark and smoky hall, and Salami and his horribly ugly son were sitting at a table talking.
It was the first time I had heard such cackling as Salami’s laugh and the first time I saw a creature as ugly as Ruber. This is something like the conversation that was taking place:
Ruber was saying, “Oh please, you porpoise!”
And Salami returned, “Shut up, ya cur! You’re makin’ your daddy angry.”
“What? What for?”
“Cause you’re trying to disobey him and eat chicken when you haven’t eaten any vegetables!”
“But there aren’t any vegetables!”
“Then I guess you can’t have any chicken.”
That was when they saw me. I was greeted with an angry, “Who’re you?” from the patriarch of the ‘family’.
Being somewhat manly, as I already mentioned, I walked up to their table and sat down. It was then I saw what they were squabbling about.
A whole chicken, if such a scrawny bird can be called whole, was sitting on the table.
I said, “I’s hungry from my long journey. Maybe you can share your little tiny bird with me?”
Salami’s mouth dropped.
I took this as a sign of consent and took a drumstick (not the ice-cream kind sadly; this tasted much worse…).
Ruber said, “Oh my. This is going to get ugly.”
“Kill him, Ruber,” Salami said matter-of-factly.
“I’m not going to kill him; you kill him.”
At this point I realized the matter wasn’t going to turn out to well. I dropped the drumstick and said, “Well, I’d better be getting back to my machine now…”
“Vhat? What machine?” Salami asked.
“Nothing…” I said, as I slowly rose and began to make for the open gate.
But Salami jumped up and moved very quickly for his heftiness and smallness (maybe a macaroni, I had thought, but he’s not).
He cut off my escape.
Then I spotted a staircase and I ran for it with everything I had.
(Once again, I must remind the reader, I was not my full manly self, as in: I had not trained as ninja yet, I had not become a wrestler yet, I had not performed the twelve labors of Hercules yet, etc.)
I managed to make it to the staircase, as Salami gave off some sort of horrible yell for Ruber to get me.
Ruber too began to chase me, but he’s a rather slow brute—unlike his freakily nimble father.
I made it down the staircase and came into a kitchen. Well…maybe it was a kitchen. All I know is that it was filled with dirty dishes (and I believe I spotted several piles of dirty laundry).
A poor woman was inside trying to clean the ridiculous amount of dirty dishes in a massive bucket of soapy water.
I ran past her trying to find an exit in the maze of clutter.
She stood from cleaning the dishes and yelled, “Get out of my kitchen! You are ruining my kitchen!” (Very unfriendly, but in Salami’s clan, one must fight for their rights, I do believe.)
Then Salami came running down the stairs and he crashed right into her.
They fell into the bucket and spilled water all over the floor.
Ruber came bumbling down the stairs next and slipped in the soapy water. He fell on top of the woman and Salami.
The door was open for me, and I made my escape.
Salami screeched out something incoherently as I’s exited the castle.
After a minute of running through the forest, I’s foolishly slowed down. My half un-manly calf muscles couldn’t take it no more.
Then I heard horses behind me.
I looked. Salami and Ruber was chasing me on horses. Well…they’s wasn’t really horses. Ruber’s was more like a pony, and Salami’s was unbelievably fat.
I began to run again, and despite their bedraggled steeds they were still catching up.
Then, I reached the platform where the cauliflower was—I mean the Engine Cauliflower.
I ran up the stairs.
Ruber and Salami dismounted and began to climb up after me. Now, while Salami might be fast over an open space—up stairs he’s hopeless. And Ruber, as I have said, wasn’t the most agile of creatures.
I got to the top of the staircase first and got into the machine.
Ruber got up next, as I tried to fidget with the machine to get it to take me out of there, and he got in the other door.
He said, “Get us out of here, before my dad gets us!”
I didn’t waste any time to think on the request. (I’m sure you’ll understand why Ruber wanted to get out of there.)
Salami finally reached the top, as I was doing everything within my power to get the machine to get us out of there, and he began to try and open Ruber’s door.
Ruber held the door shut and finally I hit the right button. We made it!
There was a bright flash, and I was back at my house. That horribly ugly creature called Ruber, was with me. (We would later become friends…until he became really unmanly as I became manlier.)
We exited, and then we saw it. The worst news of the whole day.
Salami was still with us—he was frozen like an icicle on the side of the machine, as if he had been clawing to get in.
But such things as him don’t die. And now you know why the Punchy Lands has been plagued with him ever since.
Anyway, this was supposed to be about Salami’s wife, so you’re probably wondering where she was. Well…rumor has spread that that woman was Ruber’s mother and Salami’s wife.
And yes, I mean the woman we left back in the ramshackle castle. Not much evidence for it, but she was the only woman in the castle.
So maybe she was Salami’s wife.
Well, there’s you have it. The entire story, I has done gave you. At least that’s most of it.
Hey, stay manly!
Well, there you have it: Jazzy’s story. What do you think PF? Are your questions answered?