The PL Times, E3

The PL Times
The Official Punchy Lands’ Newspaper
Monday, September 23, 2013
Edition 3

Section A. Punchy Proverbs:

(1) Death deserves neither our apprehension nor attention.

(2) A miracle is fiction coming to fruition.

(3) Thoughtlessness is a poor excuse for a mistake.

The professor isn’t too fond of… But…they’re all good. (We don’t want to offend Shnodgrate.) Favorites?


Section B. Something you should know about the professor:

The professor deserves most of what he gets.


Section C. What the PL’ers have to say:

(1) Bud, if I find one PL’er who is respectable, I’ll be amazed. ~ Bud Parker

(2) Mr. Magi is a lover of scrupulousness, Dr. Zauberer is not. If everyone could be a lover of scrupulousness, the PL would be a much better place. Don’t you think so? ~ Merlin in his memoirs

(3) It’s not that I’m bad—it’s just that wicked people are more entertaining. ~ Mark Malone


Section D. Breaking News:

Ruber’s Catering—a restaurant owned and operated by Ruber Salami—is having a complete makeover. Famed industrial giant, Mortimer Butterfield, is working with Ruber to “step up the standards.” Considering Mortimer Butterfield’s savvy business sense and his many successful franchises, critics are excited about the possibilities for Ruber’s Catering.

“It will,” one notable critic maintained, “be great for the area. In my opinion, Ruber’s Catering will become the only safe—and delicious—restaurant in England.”

[It will be advantageous to remember, PLF, that England is stranded in the dark ages.]

“That’s what Mortimer does,” the critic continued, “he takes floundering businesses and makes them successful.”


Mr. Magi—considered by most PL’ers to be the peacekeeper of the PL—traveled to the northern tip of Africa to have speaks with the Punchies, who are supposedly planning a Punchy War. Mr. Magi returned looking quite harried and exasperated, but it seems his mission was successful: The Punchies were successfully dissuaded from war.


Section E. Featured Story: Failed Businesses
by J. Freedwoppen

“It’s not my fault every business that I try to start fails!”

Mr. Fats Henry, of Fat Man Island, was quite emphatic, but his assistant, Bud Parker, disagreed.

“Na, bud, na. I’ll let you in on a secret. Henry just does not have a brain for business, you know? He’s like the total opposite of Mortimer Butterfield. But I’ll tell you: Who, in their right mind, would open a soap factory? Only Mr. Henry. And that’s why he’s a failure. He only goes into business to suit his needs, not the needs of his potential customers.”

Of course, Henry thought differently:

“I mean, who doesn’t need soap? Everybody does! Therefore, a soap factory should have been successful. Stupid PL…”

But the facts are overwhelming: It wasn’t.


Section F. A professorish question for the PLF:

I’m curious, dear PLF…do you enjoy hearing live reports from the professor in videos? Is this something that should occur frequently?


Section G. Hearing from the PL Family

PL family, if you have any questions about the Punchy Lands, characters, or anything Punchy, feel free to comment below.

The Punchy Times principal reporter, J. Freedwoppen, would be more than glad to cover or investigate your query. (Make sure to clearly indicate your question for Mr. Freedwoppen.)


Until next time, this is the PL Times!


65 Responses to “The PL Times, E3”

  1. 1 krugthethinker September 28, 2013 at 13:56

    Ohhh, I am excited to hear that Ruber’s Catering is getting off the ground! Hope I can have some chicken and beans there soon;) I love the newspaper and I love proverb 2. Mighty mellifluous, if I do say so myself. I am working backwards in PL updates, so I have not seen the professor’s videos yet, but I am sure I will love them!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke September 28, 2013 at 16:24

      It should be perfectly safe soon! Thank you. Ah, what a charming word. Very nice.

  2. 3 weggieboy September 24, 2013 at 15:53

    I’m partial to Nr. 2; Nr. 3 makes my head swim; and Nr. 1 seems self evident, though most people prefer not to get it. (I’ve had two near-death experiences, three if you count an event in Germany in 1970 I’d rather not relive. Har!)

    That said, I realize having a prime directive – a legal document stating your end of life wishes so you aren’t maintained in a vegetative state against your rational self’s prior wishes, for example – is a great idea if you chose to go toward the light in nature’s time.

    I, of course, still haven’t made one out because I’m counting on a disaster to dispatch me, no lingering required.

    “Death deserves neither our apprehension nor attention,” eh?!

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 16:01


      Hmm…a disaster is interesting. Like a twister, maybe?

      Absolutely. It makes sense to this professor. The trouble will be living it, though.

  3. 5 Jackie September 23, 2013 at 23:46

    As always, PL Times is a great read! I really like #3! 1 & 2 are good too but 3 really resonates with me. That’s about all the feedback I can give tonight. My apologies. I’ve had another long and exhausting day so my brains are not operating fully and need a break. Have a good one, Professor! :-)

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 01:20

      No problem! Thanks for commenting. The professor always loves to hear from the PF. Personally, I suppose I like #3 too! :)

  4. 7 The Dancing Rider September 23, 2013 at 23:20

    Yes, re the soap (in terms of answering the question). Hmmm, well that certainly explains why the factory failed!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 01:21

      Yes, doesn’t it? Henry’s great head for business. :lol:

      • 9 The Dancing Rider September 24, 2013 at 13:15

        ;-) I won’t be hiring him anytime soon!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 13:53

        Me neither! He can stay on Fat Man Island for all this professor cares!

      • 11 The Dancing Rider September 24, 2013 at 20:41

        Where he belongs!

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:11

        Of course!

  5. 13 Lesley September 23, 2013 at 20:05

    And this is my favorite: “Death deserves neither our apprehension nor attention.”

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:12

      That is a good one. Know to put it into practice!

  6. 15 Lesley September 23, 2013 at 20:01

    Thank you Mr Magi for your peacekeeping mission!

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:13

      This comment will make Mr. Magi’s day! No one ever thanks him. I’ll tell him and he’ll be thrilled. :)

      • 17 Lesley September 23, 2013 at 22:16

        You better, or he might have to mediate between the professor and me :)

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 01:21

        :lol: Very true! But I will tell him! :cool:

  7. 19 FictionFan September 23, 2013 at 18:35

    I rather like 2.


    Still waiting to be introduced to Mr Malone…he sounds more interesting now I know he’s wicked!

    Well, I’m devastated to know that Mr Butterfield is going to team up with Ruber – I now have no confidence in the edibility of his sweets! I so hope he doesn’t start making chicken’n’bean flavoured chocolate…

    Perhaps Fats Henry could go into business with Ruber instead – I’m sure Ruber could make some amazing recipes out of soap-based ingredients.

    Always thrilled to hear the professorial voice…but I retain the right to stick my fingers in my ears when the ‘Burn the book!’ chanting begins… ;)

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 19:44

      It surprises the professor that you believe in miracles…

      Hmm…not sure I like how you wrote that.

      This week you’ll meet him! (I have a discussion with him.)

      :lol: Don’t worry. Butterfield is very savvy. Ruber will be successful after this.

      :lol: The professor has eaten soap before…

      I don’t recall chanting… But I understand. You have to be tough to take things like that.

      • 21 FictionFan September 23, 2013 at 20:16

        Really? Why?


        About who’s most wicked, perhaps? My money’s on the Professor…

        Yes, but successful at what? Mass homicide…?

        It’s true – C-W-W is truly unique! Was there any particular reason?

        True, true. Fortunately, I think I’ll never be tough enough for that…

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:14

        I’m not sure…

        No, the professor’s just naughty; Malone’s suave.

        Don’t you worry about it. Mortimer will make sure it’s just fine.

        I don’t quite remember. You don’t think the professor would willingly eat soap, do you?

        Maybe one day.

  8. 23 ladycheetah7 September 23, 2013 at 18:25

    # 3 is winner winner chicken dinner.
    I do enjoy the live reports and would like to hear one of your rips.
    I see Ruber wasn’t sentenced to death for killing a community with his fish dinners And as much as I hate to admit it I would like for Reporte J to do a scoop on Mr. Ratherquite and his toads.

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 19:40

      I knew you’d like that one! And you’re the first one. How grand. A live rip?

      No, he wasn’t. Perhaps Butterfield will help him out a bit?

      Sounds like a great question! We’ll see next week!

      • 25 ladycheetah7 September 23, 2013 at 20:48

        I admit #1 is deep so in the spirit of its meaning I decided to not give it any attention. And I agree with Susan given the time soap would not be popular…shudder to think how people to live without it. Perhaps instead of a soap factory he might want consider a more “industrial” use.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:15

        :lol: That is hilarious! That’s a good suggestion, really. If only he’d listen.

  9. 27 Anja September 23, 2013 at 16:36

    My favorite punchy proverb “A miracle is fiction coming to fruition.” The 1st one is my second favorite. :)
    I would vote for more live reports from the professor. Please and thank you.

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 17:35

      What about the third? I believe he feels quite neglected you know. Unloved. ;)

      Well…okay. I was just wondering if the professor was scaring anyone.

      • 29 Anja September 23, 2013 at 17:40

        Okay 3 is my third favorite. Glad that is all sorted and he feels loved once more. :)
        I actually scare easily and only lost one nights sleep with your first live report. So it wasn’t absolutely terrifying.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 19:39

        :lol: Fine, then!

        So, what was creepy about it? (Just wait for the PL’s Halloween show!)

      • 31 Anja September 23, 2013 at 21:05

        Ohhhhhh I can’t wait for the Halloween one. That’s one of my favorite seasons.

      • 32 Susan P September 23, 2013 at 18:51

        You were lucky then, Anja.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 19:41

        :lol: How much sleep did you lose, Susan?

      • 34 Susan P September 23, 2013 at 21:09

        Total over the past five years, or over the scary post?

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:15

        It could get scary…

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:16

        The scary post.

      • 37 Susan P September 24, 2013 at 00:03

        The scary post was kind of creepy, but given that my favorite author is Stephen King, well I just expect creepy as a matter of fact. *mimics DS’s laughter*

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 01:22

        Really? King? Now that is cool. Do you recommend a particular King book? The professor’s been thinking about trying him. I wish I could laugh like Salami!

  10. 39 Brenda September 23, 2013 at 16:13

    Love the names!! If the soap factory is gone, perhaps a chocolate factory will open…

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 17:35

      Thank you! Ah, a great suggestion. But I’m sure Mortimer Butterfield (he owns many sweet factories in the PL) wouldn’t like the competition.

      Any names in particular?

      • 41 Brenda September 23, 2013 at 18:59

        Mr. Magi, Ruber Salami, Fats Henry, I love all the PL names. They are so evocative. :-)

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 19:41

        Many thanks! They are real, you know…

  11. 43 Susan P September 23, 2013 at 16:07

    Soap should be for sale in the PL, but I would imagine given the era it mightn’t be popular. He should have tried making it with goat milk – it might go over better with the upper class. Is there an upper class in the PL?

    As for the proverbs, they all make me feel a little uneasy this week. Sort of like there’s a meaning beneath the meaning.

    I do like the live Professor videos – mix it up with other stuff and keep us guessing! :D

    • 44 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 17:34

      I think it would have to. PL’ers do buy soap–just not Henry’s soap. I’m not really sure why Henry decided to open a soap factory. But I know one thing: This professor wouldn’t want to use his soap, would you?

      Yes, there is an upper class. Mr. R and the Ladies always invade upon their parties.

      :lol: Isn’t that the truth! (Let’s blame Shnodgrate anyway.)

      Okay, then!

      • 45 Susan P September 23, 2013 at 18:49

        Let’s blame everything on Shnodgrate !!! Like Ruber’s café.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 19:42

        Hey, that may turn out good in the end. Mortimer might work wonders.

        Do you want the professor to get in trouble with Shnodgrate? :shock:

      • 47 Susan P September 23, 2013 at 21:10

        No! Not at all. Oh dear. What HAVE I done?

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:16

        :lol: All’s fine. The professor hopes V. Shnod didn’t see!

  12. 49 omtatjuan September 23, 2013 at 14:48

    I love section A!

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 15:33

      Awesome! Do you have an absolute favorite? V. Shnodgrate writes all the Punchy Proverbs.

  13. 51 Hazy September 23, 2013 at 14:32

    Section A: Offend Shnodgrate? Wouldn’t dream of it! I kinda liked the third one. There is truth to it.

    Section B: It somewhat reminds me of the saying “you only get what you give”

    Section D: I wonder how it all turns out. Shall I brave to try the catering then? Oh, and well done Mr. Magi!

    Section E: Hmm… I hope it’s not a silly Q: What do the PL’ers use for bathing?

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 15:33

      There is! I suppose I like that one too.

      :lol: Absolutely.

      Well, the professor will keep you posted on what happens with Ruber’s eating shack. But I expect it to be quite safe–soon.

      As in soap? (It’s a great question.)

      • 53 Jazzy Couldren September 23, 2013 at 17:00

        Hey, don’t you listen to him. We use soap, we’s just don’t buy it from little Henry. Though…I’s used to have a mustard bath once. It was really fun….

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 17:36

        I remember that mustard bath! Wasn’t Ruber the one who had a mustard bath?

    • 55 Hazy September 24, 2013 at 11:54

      Why, thank you, professor! I’d be willing to try the eating shack when it’s good to go.

      Wow, my question was answered by a manly man! Mustard, the condiment? I like mustard, though not in baths. Was it the yellow one or dijon maybe? What’s a mustard bath like?

      • 56 Jazzy Couldren September 24, 2013 at 13:45

        Hey, I’s never tried it. It was Dijon mustard and it came sloshing out. DS was the only dude who ever tried it–and I’s don’t think he done liked it very much.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 13:51

        Yes, yes, me too! And you’re welcome.

        I’m not really sure. Manly-Man knows, though…

      • 58 Hazy September 25, 2013 at 12:12

        A dijon bath… I doubt I’ll ever see dijon in the same innocent condiment light again. :lol:

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:14

        :lol: See the PL is ruining your life! But the professor can say he wasn’t responsible–this time!

      • 60 Hazy September 25, 2013 at 12:18


      • 61 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:19

        :lol: :cool:

  14. 62 L. Marie September 23, 2013 at 13:35

    I can’t choose between 2 and 3. Please don’t make me. I won’t do it, I tell you. I won’t!
    How sad about the demise of the soap factory.
    I would like to cast my vote for more vlogs by the Professor.

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 15:31

      :lol: But I must make you! You wouldn’t want to anger Shnodgrate would you?

      I suppose so. I wonder if it’s really Henry’s fault. Maybe Parker’s should be blamed.

      Oh dear. With Albuquerque?

      • 64 The Dancing Rider September 23, 2013 at 21:00

        #3 on the proverbs – because I think it is true! :)

        Hmmmm, re the professor getting what he deserves. This implies the professor knows when he’s stirring the pot, or not, and accepts the resulting consequences! ;-)

        Let’s see … a “safe” eating establishment in the Dark Ages. Right. But kudos re the Ruber’s Catering makeover. I figure ANYthing has to help. At least one hopes it might.

        On Section C: doesn’t it just figure that MERLIN would be saying that?!

        I love Mr. Magi for his peace-keeping work.

        Was flummoxed by the soap factory closure. One would think that this was a needed substance in the PL’s. Do they use something else instead? Or is there another source for cleansing materials? Or maybe this factory only served the Fat Man Island? Anyway….

        Which brings me to, yes, I would like live reports here and there, interspersed with the written.

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2013 at 22:18

        Good choice! The professor was flabbergasted by them all this time.

        Very true! :cool:

        It will help, I think.

        It certainly does! :lol:

        I’ll tell him and he’ll be happy!

        Oh no, the PL’ers use soap, just not Henry’s soap. Does that answer the question?

        Okay, awesome!

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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