What you are about to read is an article written by Lucini Pavarinni, Daddy Salami’s youngest son, who is almost definitely adopted. I should warn you that the content is a bit harsh, especially where this professor is concerned.
The so-called “Professor V. J. Duke” found me in a good humor, or I would have subjected him to the calumny and ridicule that I very much enjoy.
Professor is obviously an intruder to the land he calls, somewhat derisively, “Punchy Lands” so it would only be his due.
Forgive me for using this column as a platform from which to rant, but Professor knew full well what sort of article he would get from me. Among my enemies my unpleasantness is my trademark.
Not that I am unpleasant myself, but cross me and unpleasantness will be visited upon you. Clever and vengeful unpleasantness, fitting of one who styles himself as Daddy Salami’s son.
Yes, a few words on this “relationship” will help clear it up: symbiosis, mutualism, convenience. There are your few words. Any questions? Hmmm, I see… not satisfied.
Well I guess you want the background on Salami. At least Professor has told me you’re all probably expecting info regarding Salami’s wife. Sorry. There I can’t help. I first met Salami after I had assumed the name Pavarinni and we sort of fell in together.
So you could describe me as more of an “adopted” son. It was then I gave him his name as a replacement for the uninteresting English one he already had. It was a bit of a joke. But he had never heard of Salami before and that’s cool with me.
As I said before, our alliance has been of the utmost convenience.
When Salami and I are working together, nothing can’t be accomplished. For a time, we wrote and ran plays in New York that targeted and debased nearly every celebrity or quasi-celebrity at one time or another: Schwarz, Manly Man, King Arthur, Fat Man, etc. etc.
There is power in shaping perception and now you begin to see the kind of calumny that I can unleash. Other hush-hush proceedings that need not be mentioned here also occur frequently. Rest assured. There is indeed power in the pen, but there is also power in the sword. Plus, the sword is more fun.
However, Salami is unaccountable and if his presence of mind is not very great, he can easily drag an entire operation down. So it has been my most unpleasant duty from time to time to take him out—that is, move him out of the way.
This is how I first learned that… Daddy Salami cannot die. Well, sorry, not quite true. He does indeed die, but death for Daddy Salami ensues an entombment at the Punchy Cave in which he is very much alive.
Surely you have heard: kill the Punchies and they are revitalized at the Punchy Cave.
(Well personally… between you and me, I believe there’s just enough Punchy blood in Daddy Salami to count.)
Kirk, the leader of the Punchies, who was very unhappy about this, instituted a coffin in the Punchy Cave where Daddy Salami appears once killed and must be let out (the coffin is locked) by someone uncommonly kind, or stupid, or me (i.e. calculating enough to want Salami back out).
So you see, the sword is not always as final as it seems. That’s OK with me; I still carry my 9 mm, anyway.
Now, one word on Ruber.
If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder if he wasn’t the dumbest person I know. But as it is, Schwarz saves the day, and easily bumps Ruber to second place where there is much more contention to be had.
It’s better for Ruber as it’s not pleasant to be so closely associated with #1, and remember what happened to Fredo Corleone.
I’m afraid I have no more information to offer on Ruber than I did on Salami’s wife. I was introduced to him after Salami chose me to be his son.
Was it the same with Ruber?
One final bit of info I forgot.
By profession, I’m a lawyer.
And a [beep] good one too.