About Daddy Salami—by Lucini Pavarinni

What you are about to read is an article written by Lucini Pavarinni, Daddy Salami’s youngest son, who is almost definitely adopted. I should warn you that the content is a bit harsh, especially where this professor is concerned.

***

The so-called “Professor V. J. Duke” found me in a good humor, or I would have subjected him to the calumny and ridicule that I very much enjoy.

Professor is obviously an intruder to the land he calls, somewhat derisively, “Punchy Lands” so it would only be his due.

Forgive me for using this column as a platform from which to rant, but Professor knew full well what sort of article he would get from me. Among my enemies my unpleasantness is my trademark.

Not that I am unpleasant myself, but cross me and unpleasantness will be visited upon you. Clever and vengeful unpleasantness, fitting of one who styles himself as Daddy Salami’s son.

Yes, a few words on this “relationship” will help clear it up: symbiosis, mutualism, convenience. There are your few words. Any questions? Hmmm, I see… not satisfied.

Well I guess you want the background on Salami. At least Professor has told me you’re all probably expecting info regarding Salami’s wife. Sorry. There I can’t help. I first met Salami after I had assumed the name Pavarinni and we sort of fell in together.

So you could describe me as more of an “adopted” son. It was then I gave him his name as a replacement for the uninteresting English one he already had. It was a bit of a joke. But he had never heard of Salami before and that’s cool with me.

As I said before, our alliance has been of the utmost convenience.

When Salami and I are working together, nothing can’t be accomplished. For a time, we wrote and ran plays in New York that targeted and debased nearly every celebrity or quasi-celebrity at one time or another: Schwarz, Manly Man, King Arthur, Fat Man, etc. etc.

There is power in shaping perception and now you begin to see the kind of calumny that I can unleash. Other hush-hush proceedings that need not be mentioned here also occur frequently. Rest assured. There is indeed power in the pen, but there is also power in the sword. Plus, the sword is more fun.

And final.

However, Salami is unaccountable and if his presence of mind is not very great, he can easily drag an entire operation down. So it has been my most unpleasant duty from time to time to take him out—that is, move him out of the way.

This is how I first learned that… Daddy Salami cannot die. Well, sorry, not quite true. He does indeed die, but death for Daddy Salami ensues an entombment at the Punchy Cave in which he is very much alive.

Surely you have heard: kill the Punchies and they are revitalized at the Punchy Cave.

(Well personally… between you and me, I believe there’s just enough Punchy blood in Daddy Salami to count.)

Kirk, the leader of the Punchies, who was very unhappy about this, instituted a coffin in the Punchy Cave where Daddy Salami appears once killed and must be let out (the coffin is locked) by someone uncommonly kind, or stupid, or me (i.e. calculating enough to want Salami back out).

So you see, the sword is not always as final as it seems. That’s OK with me; I still carry my 9 mm, anyway.

Now, one word on Ruber.

If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder if he wasn’t the dumbest person I know. But as it is, Schwarz saves the day, and easily bumps Ruber to second place where there is much more contention to be had.

It’s better for Ruber as it’s not pleasant to be so closely associated with #1, and remember what happened to Fredo Corleone.

I’m afraid I have no more information to offer on Ruber than I did on Salami’s wife. I was introduced to him after Salami chose me to be his son.

Was it the same with Ruber?

Who knows?

One final bit of info I forgot.

By profession, I’m a lawyer.

And a [beep] good one too.

 

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90 Responses to “About Daddy Salami—by Lucini Pavarinni”


  1. 1 krugthethinker October 2, 2013 at 16:26

    Delightful! A most elegant missing puzzle piece! I would have loved to see those calumnious plays!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke October 2, 2013 at 17:26

      But didn’t you notice how mean he was to the professor? :shock: The plays would have been an interest, definitely.

  2. 3 Hazy September 25, 2013 at 11:48

    Pavarinni is a meanie, eh? And a boorish lawyer, too. What a rapscallion, being rude to the professor! Do steer clear of him there in PL when you can. Weatherly would like me to inform you that he is gladly volunteering his services should you ever need a bodyguard or assistance.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:05

      :lol: Yes, he is! Absolutely, the perfect rapscallion! (I love when the PF uses Punchy argot!)

      That is awesome. Tell Weatherly the professor would love to have a bodyguard–especially one so well trained, and with two swords! (I’ll try to avoid Lucini.)

      • 5 Hazy September 27, 2013 at 16:11

        Punchy argot = fun!

        Weatherly is glad. He says just holler if you need him and that he will train harder to protect you from rapscallions and other no good what-nots.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 27, 2013 at 16:23

        Awesome! :D

        Tell Weatherly the professor is honored!

      • 7 Hazy September 27, 2013 at 16:24

        Will do! :)

  3. 8 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister September 25, 2013 at 03:56

    I think the professor is being quiet the gentleman. I thought the professor was ironfisted? The professor needs a sword…

    • 9 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:02

      Ah, do you think the professor should be insulted by this despicable post?

      • 10 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister September 25, 2013 at 13:18

        I think the professor should stand by his man, but wear his sword proudly.

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 14:28

        I agree. Great advice.

  4. 12 Jackie September 25, 2013 at 01:13

    ugh ugh ugh … what a creepy and distasteful fellow that Lucini Pavarinni is! Figures he’s a lawyer.

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:17

      It does! He was rather mean to the professor–and I don’t think I deserved it.

      • 14 Jackie September 25, 2013 at 09:20

        He’s bitter about everything it seems! I don’t think it has anything to do with you – you’re just a convenient scapegoat.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:03

        I think you’re right. Still, though, I shouldn’t let him speak that way to me. It’s…demeaning!

      • 16 Jackie September 25, 2013 at 12:09

        I couldn’t agree more! Maybe if you put him in his place he will slink off on his cranky high horse and find another to disparage and demean.

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:13

        I bet you’re right. I just hope he doesn’t choose Daddy Salami. Though, maybe he deserves that.

      • 18 Jackie September 25, 2013 at 12:16

        You reap what you sow! 8-)

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:18

        Very true! :cool:

  5. 20 Susan P September 24, 2013 at 21:45

    I could have guessed he was a lawyer with all of the palavering. Really likes the sound of his own voice, I think. Can he sing?

    • 21 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:14

      :lol: I think you’re right. As a matter of fact, he mightn’t be able to live without it.

      Probably not. I’m sure it would be a horrid sound if he did!

  6. 22 The Dancing Rider September 24, 2013 at 21:33

    Oh, the tenor of this article. I guess he’s cutting *you* no slack, dear professor.

    I got a big kick out of how this seemingly clever “lawyer” would forge any sort of relationship with DS. I find that quite interesting. And what use is a 9 mm when DS can’t die?! Yet he has to mention it….

    It made me feel sorry for Ruber and Schwarz….. Even for DS, who’s name Pavarinni apparently changed.

    My DH is a lawyer. Perhaps he can bring Mr. Pavarinni into line…somehow. I wonder who Mr. Pavarinni is, really. He did say when he “assumed” the name.

    It appears to me that Mr. Pavarinni is in need of a scathing, ripping, letter from you, dear professor! I’ll wear your colors at my wrist!

    • 23 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:14

      I know. Twas quite cruel, really. I don’t think the professor did anything to deserve it.

      Very good point. Maybe the ‘lawyer’ needs DS for a reason.

      Well, that’s what Pavarinni said. Maybe he’s lying? I kind of get the feeling that Salami keeps him in line, and that he’s bitter about it. Doesn’t it seem that way?

      Yes, Pavarinni is definitely an interest for sure. The professor could use all the legal help he can get!

      The professor is honored, and thank you! I think I’ll send him one…

  7. 24 sonya solomonovich September 24, 2013 at 19:45

    Haha I would love to see a play co-written by Daddy Salami and this…. goon. It would probably be one of those “so bad it’s good” plays.

    • 25 Susan P September 24, 2013 at 23:28

      Now that’s an interesting proposition! Chickit it is!

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:17

        The professor will have to take you to see one one day! (I love your use of Punchy argot.)

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:10

      Goon? :lol: I think you’re right. If this professor recalls correctly, the plays were usually aimed to rip some person.

      • 28 sonya solomonovich September 26, 2013 at 06:00

        Have they been taking lessons from the professor?…

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke September 26, 2013 at 12:19

        Of course not! The professor is kind–all the time. These plays were very wicked.

  8. 30 Anja September 24, 2013 at 17:47

    Oh my Professor you have upset someone it seems. His reference to 9mm was a little eerie. I have friends who are lawyers if you need help. ;) or I can help since I have watched a lot of legal type shows. Especially scandal so I can fix things if it gets messy for you.

    • 31 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 19:08

      It seems that way! But I’m not sure what I did! The professor is glad to have you here. I think I should probably just avoid LR in the future. What would you do?

      • 32 Anja September 24, 2013 at 23:09

        I would write him a strongly worded email setting him straight! Then find some dirt on him and possibly use blackmail?

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:16

        Should the email have many professorish swear words? I wish I could find dirt! Blackmail would be amazing.

      • 34 Anja September 25, 2013 at 02:28

        Definitely use all of the professors swear words…do not hold back. Well….if he is not in good with Ruber…start there for dirt ;)

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:29

        :D I feel naughty all the sudden! I will. (Impatiently awaiting the next story, you know.)

      • 36 Anja September 25, 2013 at 02:31

        ha…glad I could be of some assistance. (yes….it is coming. I started without knowing the ending…so its a work in progress. Will have it SOON)

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:35

        Not soon enough, though…

      • 38 Anja September 25, 2013 at 02:37

        Well how soon is soon enough….a second,minute, 3 hours???

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:38

        I’m just being “unromantic.” :)

      • 40 Anja September 25, 2013 at 02:40

        ha…sounds the opposite to me

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:42

        Of course it would–you just try to vex the professor.

      • 42 Anja September 25, 2013 at 02:44

        :) I just point out the obvious

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:01

        :) Hmmm….

  9. 44 ladycheetah7 September 24, 2013 at 17:44

    Luccini is a wanker. He preys on those who are weak to disguise his disease wizard syndrome. Permit me to explain. The great wizard in Oz was big voice but behind the curtain a little man, probably filled with regret. Dr. Phil moment complete. K. I bet Manly could take him on any day and any man who describes his union with another man as symbiotic seens a bit obsessive to me. Can you say weirdo?

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 19:08

      :lol: I like that lots! Oh yes, the professor can definitely say weirdo. Did you see how rude LR was being to the professor? It shocked me. :shock:

      • 46 ladycheetah7 September 24, 2013 at 19:22

        I’m suprised you didn’t respond back. You are quick to rip..lol

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 19:29

        You mean I should rip him? :evil:

      • 48 ladycheetah7 September 24, 2013 at 19:32

        Yah! How about making it a little more grand fabulous and you rip his rip. :-D

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:09

        He would deserve it. But doesn’t the professor seem to be mellowing with age?

      • 50 ladycheetah7 September 25, 2013 at 10:53

        Mellowing with age? If that is the case your voice is very deceiving.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:04

        The professor might be deceiving. I’m timeless, you know.

  10. 52 Lesley September 24, 2013 at 16:20

    Wow, LP is pretty feisty! And what’s wrong with “Punchy Lands,” professor?

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 19:04

      He is! And mean, I think. You mean why doesn’t LP like the the Punchy Lands as a name? I’m not sure, really. The professor didn’t come up with it. That’s what has always been called as far as I can see.

      Perhaps I’ll speak with Mr. Magi about it.

      • 54 Lesley September 24, 2013 at 19:42

        Oh yes, do ask Mr. Magi about it. And do pass my greetings to him too :)

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:09

        I shall! And the answering post will appear next week. :D Mr. Magi will be thrilled!

      • 56 Lesley September 25, 2013 at 02:52

        Awesome :)

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 12:01

        :cool:

  11. 58 technophile9 September 24, 2013 at 15:36

    Interesting… Very interesting…
    The line that interested me was that he thought it was derisive you called the world ‘The Punchy Lands’… so what does he call it?

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 15:46

      Yes, that interested me too! I’m really not sure what he would call it. You see, it all centers around the Punchies, so the Punchy Lands is very logical. And the professor wasn’t the one who came up with that either. I could find out, if you’d like?

      • 60 technophile9 September 24, 2013 at 17:04

        Yes, I would be interested to find out it’s origin. Did PL’ers historically uunch the ground instead of plough it? Or did the Punch Lands metaphorically punch them in the face with disaster? Or did everyone drink ‘punch’ (I mean, squash). ;)

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 19:05

        Okay, then. The professor will speak with Mr. Magi about it, and post it next week! Sound good?

        ( :lol: The professor loves your options. I think I’ll share them with Mr. Magi–if that’s okay with you.)

      • 62 technophile9 September 24, 2013 at 20:17

        I’d be really honoured! :) Just to clarify, when I wrote uunch, I meant punch. ;)

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:10

        Great, then! Don’t worry about it! :)

  12. 64 Angeline M September 24, 2013 at 14:22

    Salami wrote play in New York??? Now there is an enlightening bit of information. Very interesting. And that he can be let out of the Bat Cave…I mean Punchy Cave is also indeed an eye opener.
    Pavarinni….Salami…..why do I feel like ordering a pizza for lunch?

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 14:41

      Yes, he was a sort of playwright for some time with Pavarinni. It is odd, isn’t it? But it seems when Pavarinni came onto the scene, DS settled down–slightly.

      Bat cave? :lol: I think that the Punchies–especially the leader, Kirk–are somewhat challenged by Salami.

      Haha! The professor understands that for sure! But Pavarinni isn’t…is it?

  13. 66 L. Marie September 24, 2013 at 14:21

    Manothunder, Lucini Pavarinni seems bitter. And I noticed the mention of a 9 mm and his being a lawyer. Were both meant to be threats? As in “Cross me and I’ll bump you off and make sure I find a legal loophole to make sure I’m not convicted”?

    • 67 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 14:39

      :lol: You’re right, he does! Oh dear, do you think he was threatening the professor? Dadblameit! It’s very possible. I’m not sure that he likes me too much, you know.

      :lol: That last line is priceless, but I hope you’re wrong!

      • 68 L. Marie September 25, 2013 at 19:38

        For your sake . . . I hope I am.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 20:53

        Now I’m worried!

  14. 70 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 12:49

    Oooh, he’s very scary! :shock: He almost made me feel sorry for DS! But how dare he say my Schwarzy is dumb? Just ‘cos he’s sweeter than most Punchies…

    • 71 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 13:52

      I thought he was pretty miserable about me. When he sent the post, I should have refused to post it. But I didn’t. Dadblameit.

      (Just between me and you, maybe Schwarz gets the better of him all the time? So maybe he’s a bit challenged?)

      • 72 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 14:34

        Yes, i thought he was mean about you too, but I knew our brave Professor wouldn’t be intimidated by his bluster…

        Ah! That explains it! Yes, now you mention it, he does seem somewhat challenged…especially in the politeness department. It’s really rather rude to keep bumping off you adopted father, I feel…

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 14:44

        Oh, I don’t know… I’m sure FEF will take care of him!!! :cool:

        And unwise…if your father is Salami… But you’re right about the politeness. It seems like an epidemic. PL’ers on the whole, see rude, don’t they?

        Every time I travel to the PL, thinking that I may meet Pav, I bring my katana…

      • 74 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 14:47

        I certainly will if he keeps picking on my two favourite chafafahs!

        They are very rude…except Schwarzy, who’s just sweet and adorable…

        I think that’s most wise, but I bet DS kills him as often as he kills DS. I wonder if they can still be resuscitated even if they’ve died from Ruber-poisoning?

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 15:09

        :cool: Just send Tuppence.

        Or Mark Malone…

        :lol: I think you’re right. Ruber’s food shack is having a makeover. It should be safe for you to eat there in the future. :)

      • 76 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 15:47

        Hmm…can’t wait to meet Mark Malone…I think…

        I’m not sure even Mr Butterfield will be able to turn Ruber into a good cook…perhaps I’ll wait and see how many fatalities occur in the first month before booking a table…

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 15:58

        :D It’s not a professorish trick this time. He is a bit…bad at times, though.

        No, he’ll probably replace Ruber. You see, Mortimer usually completely takes over. :) Not adventurous, are you?

      • 78 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 17:27

        So long as he hasn’t mysteriously got rid of any wives…

        Oh, now I feel sorry for Ruber! We can’t let that happen!! Maybe Mr Whateverhisnameis the journalist could start a public campaign to save the cafe as it is…after all, I haven’t given up hope that Mr R-Y might eat there one day…

        Hmm…not adventurous enough to risk death by chicken’n’beans, I admit!

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 19:07

        I don’t think he’s married.

        Don’t worry about Ruber. I’m sure he’ll be the manager or something. You should really meet Mr. R one day. Would you be so hateful to his face?

        You have a point there.

      • 80 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 23:06

        He doesn’t seem to have a profile…

        Hateful? Me?? I was only concerned he might be hungry… ;)

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:15

        That’s because he’s not nice to me.

        :lol:

    • 82 Jazzy Couldren September 24, 2013 at 14:59

      Hey, Daddy always wins–unless he’s fighting manly.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 15:10

        Well, even MM has had trouble with DS…

      • 84 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 15:20

        Now that’s a fight I’d like to see…perhaps the Professor could referee…

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2013 at 15:45

        I don’t know…maybe…but it could get brutal.

      • 86 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 17:20

        Oooh…good!! :twisted:

      • 87 Jazzy Couldren September 24, 2013 at 16:54

        It would scare little P. VJ out of his socks.

      • 88 FictionFan September 24, 2013 at 22:58

        Tchah! Nothing scares our Professor. He could beat you and Daddy at the same time, I bet, if he wanted to…

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke September 25, 2013 at 02:15

        Yes I could, MM! Especially, with FEF, Bob, and Tuppence…

      • 90 Jazzy Couldren September 25, 2013 at 02:18

        You two are just little babies. You don’t know nothing.


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