The following is an excerpt from the professor’s journeys throughout the PL—yes, part of his book, which was abandoned, shunned, and avoided for the reasons contained in “About writing” all the way at the bottom of this very page.
Context: Prior to the following scene, Prince Beef and Mr. Magi held a conversation which left the prince very vexed. Also, Toasty is the prince’s assistant.
Prince Beef tapped his foot angrily as Toasty and Schwarz approached him.
Toasty bowed low, but Schwarz didn’t. He either didn’t think about bowing, or he had meant to be disrespectful by not bowing. Personally, I think it was the former.
But the prince didn’t seem to mind, or notice.
“Yes?” the prince asked huffily, still tapping his foot.
“Prince Beef,” Toasty began respectfully, “here is Mr. Schwarz Tauptinker.”
The prince put his hands on his hips. “So what?” he asked angrily.
Toasty looked slightly bewildered. “I thought you wanted to see him, Prince Beef.”
The prince’s brow furrowed. “Ahh, that’s right. I forgot.” The prince waved his hands. “I’m sorry for my absentmindedness. It is due—I assure you—to a vexing conversation that I just had. I pray that you will forgive me.” It was obvious from the prince’s tone that he didn’t really care if he was forgiven or not.
Toasty nodded. “Of course, Prince Beef.”
“Whatever chicky,” Schwarz said.
The prince looked a bit taken aback by Schwarz’s response. But he overlooked it.
“Toasty,” the prince said, ascending to his throne, “you can leave.”
Toasty nodded and soon Schwarz and Prince Beef were alone in the great hall.
The prince leaned back into his throne and stared at Schwarz.
“So,” he began, but Schwarz cut him off.
“Nice digs—tell you what,” Schwarz said as he looked about the great hall.
The prince sat up violently. “Nice what?”
Schwarz looked at the prince. “Okay,” he said not making any sense.
Prince Beef leaned back and eyed Schwarz carefully. “If you are talking about my decorations then, yes, they are rather nice. And I have to say I must take some credit for them.” The prince looked very proud.
“Why?” Schwarz asked absentmindedly as he stared abhorrently at the pale mustard colored walls.
“Because,” the prince replied with a short laugh. “I picked the color of the walls.”
“Oh,” Schwarz said disapprovingly.
“Yes,” Prince Beef resumed, oblivious. “It was always said that I had an eye for color.”
“Really? That’s weird,” Schwarz said. “’Cause I was thinking that everything looks great in this place except for the color of the walls.”
The prince immediately frowned and sat straight up. “What? My man, please tell me that I did not hear you correctly.”
“Okay, what?” Prince Beef asked, getting red in the face.
“Okay, I’ll do,” Schwarz said.
“What is that supposed to mean?!” the prince demanded.
Schwarz changed the subject. “So, what’d you want, anyway, man?”
Prince Beef stood and pointed his finger menacingly at Schwarz. “You may call me ‘Prince’ or ‘Prince Beef’. Nothing else will be permitted. And don’t you ever, ever change the subject on me!”
Schwarz looked a bit puzzled. “Tell you what…I’ll call you ‘The Man.’”
Prince Beef paused, not sure if he should accept this proposal or not. “Hmm…”
“And then,” Schwarz continued, “I’ll shorten it to…‘Man.’”
The prince’s eyes flashed. “You scheming swine! How dare you try to outmaneuver me! I am the prince!”
Schwarz became angry. “Okay, you’re burning me, baby, tell you what! I took time out of my busy day to come speak to you, and you’re being nasty! Now, how awful is that?!”
Prince Beef closed his eyes and began to breathe in deeply and exhale forcibly.
“What you doing?” Schwarz asked.
“Be quiet, peasant!” the prince snapped. “I am calming myself for your own good.”
“Okay,” Schwarz said. “I’ll wait patiently, man.”
And he did.
After a few moments, the prince opened his eyes. “I summoned you for a very specific reason.”
Prince Beef controlled himself. “Yes, well, to make a long story short, there are three vermin running my country, and you’re going to help me put an end to them.”
“How?” Schwarz asked.
“Simply put: I am going to support your business until it becomes a real competitor for their businesses. I am sure you’re familiar with their companies?” the prince asked, eyeing Schwarz steadily.
“No, not really,” Schwarz answered.
The prince waved his hand frivolously. “Don’t worry about it then. I’ll do the thinking. You just do what I say, and your company will be booming.”
“It already is, I think,” Schwarz said innocently, scratching his head.
“Yes, well, it will boom even more. After I’ve ruined their companies, I will take back my kingdom.”
“Okay,” Schwarz said, not comprehending.
The prince looked at Schwarz and shook his head. “You are stupid, aren’t you?” he asked.
“And you are Beef, right?” Schwarz asked.
The prince’s face reddened, but he controlled himself once again. “I will overlook that. You’re invited to attend a party I’m throwing. It will be held on the morrow. I expect you there.”
“Don’t worry,” Schwarz said. “Schwarz never misses parties, tell you what!”
“Yes,” Prince Beef replied. “Don’t be disgusting, as is your wont.”
“Do you like cashews?” Schwarz asked.
The prince’s face contorted. “Not at all. They’re absolutely abhorrent to me. And, by the way, you have just changed the subject.”
“I don’t really like them either,” Schwarz said. “Well, nice talking to you. Got to run. Bye.”
The prince looked a bit puzzled. “Yes, bye,” he said; then under his breath, “Good riddance.”
The PL Blogging Schedule will hopefully be resumed next week.
I do apologize for the professor’s lack of schedule. It is due, I am sure, to something.