Prince Beef and Schwarz

The following is an excerpt from the professor’s journeys throughout the PL—yes, part of his book, which was abandoned, shunned, and avoided for the reasons contained in “About writing” all the way at the bottom of this very page.

Context: Prior to the following scene, Prince Beef and Mr. Magi held a conversation which left the prince very vexed. Also, Toasty is the prince’s assistant.

***

Prince Beef tapped his foot angrily as Toasty and Schwarz approached him.

Toasty bowed low, but Schwarz didn’t. He either didn’t think about bowing, or he had meant to be disrespectful by not bowing. Personally, I think it was the former.

But the prince didn’t seem to mind, or notice.

“Yes?” the prince asked huffily, still tapping his foot.

“Prince Beef,” Toasty began respectfully, “here is Mr. Schwarz Tauptinker.”

The prince put his hands on his hips. “So what?” he asked angrily.

Toasty looked slightly bewildered. “I thought you wanted to see him, Prince Beef.”

The prince’s brow furrowed. “Ahh, that’s right. I forgot.” The prince waved his hands. “I’m sorry for my absentmindedness. It is due—I assure you—to a vexing conversation that I just had. I pray that you will forgive me.” It was obvious from the prince’s tone that he didn’t really care if he was forgiven or not.

Toasty nodded. “Of course, Prince Beef.”

“Whatever chicky,” Schwarz said.

The prince looked a bit taken aback by Schwarz’s response. But he overlooked it.

“Toasty,” the prince said, ascending to his throne, “you can leave.”

Toasty nodded and soon Schwarz and Prince Beef were alone in the great hall.

The prince leaned back into his throne and stared at Schwarz.

“So,” he began, but Schwarz cut him off.

“Nice digs—tell you what,” Schwarz said as he looked about the great hall.

The prince sat up violently. “Nice what?”

Schwarz looked at the prince. “Okay,” he said not making any sense.

Prince Beef leaned back and eyed Schwarz carefully. “If you are talking about my decorations then, yes, they are rather nice. And I have to say I must take some credit for them.” The prince looked very proud.

“Why?” Schwarz asked absentmindedly as he stared abhorrently at the pale mustard colored walls.

“Because,” the prince replied with a short laugh. “I picked the color of the walls.”

“Oh,” Schwarz said disapprovingly.

“Yes,” Prince Beef resumed, oblivious. “It was always said that I had an eye for color.”

“Really? That’s weird,” Schwarz said. “’Cause I was thinking that everything looks great in this place except for the color of the walls.”

The prince immediately frowned and sat straight up. “What? My man, please tell me that I did not hear you correctly.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, what?” Prince Beef asked, getting red in the face.

“Okay, I’ll do,” Schwarz said.

“What is that supposed to mean?!” the prince demanded.

Schwarz changed the subject. “So, what’d you want, anyway, man?”

Prince Beef stood and pointed his finger menacingly at Schwarz. “You may call me ‘Prince’ or ‘Prince Beef’. Nothing else will be permitted. And don’t you ever, ever change the subject on me!”

Schwarz looked a bit puzzled. “Tell you what…I’ll call you ‘The Man.’”

Prince Beef paused, not sure if he should accept this proposal or not. “Hmm…”

“And then,” Schwarz continued, “I’ll shorten it to…‘Man.’”

The prince’s eyes flashed. “You scheming swine! How dare you try to outmaneuver me! I am the prince!”

Schwarz became angry. “Okay, you’re burning me, baby, tell you what! I took time out of my busy day to come speak to you, and you’re being nasty! Now, how awful is that?!”

Prince Beef closed his eyes and began to breathe in deeply and exhale forcibly.

“What you doing?” Schwarz asked.

“Be quiet, peasant!” the prince snapped. “I am calming myself for your own good.”

“Okay,” Schwarz said. “I’ll wait patiently, man.”

And he did.

After a few moments, the prince opened his eyes. “I summoned you for a very specific reason.”

“Okay.”

Prince Beef controlled himself. “Yes, well, to make a long story short, there are three vermin running my country, and you’re going to help me put an end to them.”

“How?” Schwarz asked.

“Simply put: I am going to support your business until it becomes a real competitor for their businesses. I am sure you’re familiar with their companies?” the prince asked, eyeing Schwarz steadily.

“No, not really,” Schwarz answered.

The prince waved his hand frivolously. “Don’t worry about it then. I’ll do the thinking. You just do what I say, and your company will be booming.”

“It already is, I think,” Schwarz said innocently, scratching his head.

“Yes, well, it will boom even more. After I’ve ruined their companies, I will take back my kingdom.”

“Okay,” Schwarz said, not comprehending.

The prince looked at Schwarz and shook his head. “You are stupid, aren’t you?” he asked.

“And you are Beef, right?” Schwarz asked.

The prince’s face reddened, but he controlled himself once again. “I will overlook that. You’re invited to attend a party I’m throwing. It will be held on the morrow. I expect you there.”

“Don’t worry,” Schwarz said. “Schwarz never misses parties, tell you what!”

“Yes,” Prince Beef replied. “Don’t be disgusting, as is your wont.”

“Do you like cashews?” Schwarz asked.

The prince’s face contorted. “Not at all. They’re absolutely abhorrent to me. And, by the way, you have just changed the subject.”

“I don’t really like them either,” Schwarz said. “Well, nice talking to you. Got to run. Bye.”

The prince looked a bit puzzled. “Yes, bye,” he said; then under his breath, “Good riddance.”

***

The PL Blogging Schedule will hopefully be resumed next week.

I do apologize for the professor’s lack of schedule. It is due, I am sure, to something.

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88 Responses to “Prince Beef and Schwarz”


  1. 1 krugthethinker October 8, 2013 at 04:17

    I am fond of the prince. And very clever of Schwarz!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2013 at 13:11

      There is something likeable about the prince–even if he is a bit obnoxious at times.

  2. 3 L. Marie October 5, 2013 at 20:14

    Gotta love Schwarz’s interchange with Prince Beef. Schwarz should be made an ambassador.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 22:37

      But he might frustrate foreign ministers. Maybe he should be sent to countries in order to make enemies. Now that just might work!

  3. 5 The Dancing Rider October 4, 2013 at 21:04

    I love Schwarz. And his attitude. :)

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:25

      Yes, his attitude. He’s sweet and dull, I think.

  4. 7 Lesley October 4, 2013 at 14:43

    Loved it! Why did The Man allow Schwarz to disrespect him like that? I like this Schwarz, but I don’t ever want to be his friend. The “I’ll shorten it to… Man” part was very funny! :)

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 16:50

      Thank you! Personally, I think he was getting close to doing something about it. You mean you wouldn’t want to meet Schwarz? :)

      • 9 Lesley October 4, 2013 at 17:12

        I would love to meet him, but not to be his friend. I don’t think we’d click.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:13

        Yeah, and I agree with you. Schwarz and the professor wouldn’t get on too well either.

  5. 11 Angeline M October 4, 2013 at 02:29

    It doesn’t pay to come late to these parties. Schwarz should eat some cashews.

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:03

      I think he likes raisins better.

  6. 13 xoxosanaz90210 October 4, 2013 at 00:28

    Thanks for the context, it helps!! Schwarz is so cute. I could almost imagine him saying beefy man to the prince!!

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:02

      No problem! You know, I could too. Is Schwarz your favorite?

      • 15 xoxosanaz90210 October 4, 2013 at 14:14

        Yup so far he is!! I even like the Professor.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:39

        Great! :) The professor? Now, that’s honoring! (The professor is usually hated, you know.)

      • 17 xoxosanaz90210 October 4, 2013 at 20:33

        I didn’t know that! Annoying, I could believe that but hate? That must be because he poisoned Prince Beef’s cashew nuts. That’s why he hates them now!!

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:21

        Annoying? Oh dear! Do you find the professor annoying? I really didn’t poison them. Really.

      • 19 xoxosanaz90210 October 5, 2013 at 21:09

        You should tell that to Prince Beef. He won’t believe you.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 22:36

        You’re right! He won’t. Were you able to watch The Mizly Man?

  7. 21 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 3, 2013 at 22:36

    Your PLF is way smart. I am so lost. I do like cashews, though. :)

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:36

      Well that’s good. Feel free to ask any questions that you have! The professor would be pleased to answer.

  8. 23 ladycheetah7 October 3, 2013 at 22:31

    Prince Beef is too self absorbed. Needs to get a hold of himself. Schwarze on the other hand is very well grounded.

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:35

      I always enjoy your views on the matter, Lady. I am shocked, though, that you think Schwarz is grounded.

      • 25 ladycheetah7 October 3, 2013 at 23:50

        Yeag. In Prince Beef’s presence he was prettt grounded. Maybe because he wasn’t impressed with his highness. Now if you add Mortimer in the mix he might not seem so bright.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:02

        That’s a good point. Mortimer would probably put him to shame.

  9. 27 Anja October 3, 2013 at 21:52

    Almonds

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:35

      Almonds… Maybe stuff almonds in the balloon instead of water…

      • 29 Anja October 3, 2013 at 23:38

        That would become a heavy balloon……not sure how that would work. What if someone nearby has a nut allergy?

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:46

        You can’t worry about such things.

      • 31 Anja October 3, 2013 at 23:51

        I am a teacher….it is beaten (yes literally) into me to worry about such things.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:02

        I see. Well, then, the professor shall start to worry about such things too.

      • 33 Anja October 4, 2013 at 14:42

        It’s quite horrifying if you start pondering all that can go wrong. Not for the weak of heart.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 16:49

        Well that’s good. The professor is strong of heart.

      • 35 Anja October 4, 2013 at 17:08

        Because it’s a romantic heart. Ha! I win

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:13

        Not at all. It’s a professorish one.

      • 37 Anja October 4, 2013 at 23:44

        You always want to argue with me on this point…..I know I am right but go ahead and pretend :)

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:45

        What a way to win an argument! You may be right, but the professor is always righter, remember.

      • 39 Anja October 4, 2013 at 23:46

        Has this become a Dr Seuss book? I am righter than right than you. Oh what tales we do when we know I am the right of the two. :)

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 00:13

        :lol: I love that rhyme! But seriously, the professor is always righter.

      • 41 Anja October 5, 2013 at 00:14

        No he is nighter…..(not) Oh and where is your poem???

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 00:15

        It’s unprofessorish to write poems.

      • 43 Anja October 5, 2013 at 00:16

        Will not accept that response

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 16:51

        But it is true.

      • 45 Anja October 5, 2013 at 17:41

        No it is not.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 19:07

        :cool:

  10. 47 technophile9 October 3, 2013 at 15:45

    This was very entertaining! And if I may suggest, I hope (if you have the time) you’ll be able to edit your novel so it looks nice and lovely. I know you hate it, but if the snippet is anything to go by, it’s good! ;)

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:27

      Many thanks!! Really? The professor is truly honored. But I do think it’s dadblamery!

      • 49 technophile9 October 3, 2013 at 19:38

        I know, I know… but even if it is bad, it won’t do any harm to at least try and polish it up a bit? See how it comes out? ;)

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:34

        No it wouldn’t. You have so much faith in the professor! Thank you!!!

  11. 51 Uzoma October 3, 2013 at 15:27

    I love the way you weave your tales, Prof. Sure Schwarz has a characteristic amusing and likable behavior.

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:26

      Thank you very much, sir! The professor is honored since you are such a great writer.

  12. 53 Simply Skeptical October 3, 2013 at 15:10

    I never even considered Schwarz as “deep” but I actually think there may be some truth in it! LOL ;-)

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:25

      Not enough to make any money on, sadly.

  13. 55 Susan P October 3, 2013 at 14:51

    “It is due, I am sure, to something.” Now see? When I tell my husband that same thing he wants details, times and explanations. IMO, that is all the explanation necessary

    Oh. And Go Schwarz.

    • 56 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:22

      Very interesting. Well, next time, tell him the professor thinks it’s a great excuse that one can say without giving too many vexing details.

      That could get scary. Never root for Schwarz.

      • 57 Susan P October 3, 2013 at 18:48

        Ah. Harry is an accountant and requires many vexing details and requires them frequently.

        Why may I not root for Schwarzie?

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:32

        Haha. I see!

        Well, I suppose you can if you must.

      • 59 Susan P October 4, 2013 at 14:11

        I don’t know…what do you think?

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:39

        Hmm, I think so!

      • 61 Susan P October 4, 2013 at 16:59

        Okay. At least I have someone to blame.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:12

        Not the professor!

      • 63 Susan P October 4, 2013 at 23:17

        You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 23:34

        Of course, yes!

    • 65 Susan P October 4, 2013 at 02:40

      Actually…

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke October 4, 2013 at 14:03

        A change of heart?

  14. 67 Hazy October 3, 2013 at 13:46

    “You are stupid, aren’t you?” he asked… “And you are Beef, right?” Schwarz asked.

    – Schwarz is such a cheeky little monkey! I like. He’s fun! :lol: Love how he changes the subject just like that.

    I barely even noticed the lack of schedule! Everything the professor posts is entertaining.

    • 68 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 14:25

      Schwarz can definitely be a bit cheeky at times! Now, do you think Schwarz is dull, or do you think he’s smarter than he appears?

      Many thanks! I’m sure it’s because Weatherly gives me the time to rest from defending myself and to think!

      • 69 Hazy October 5, 2013 at 06:57

        I still think Schwarz is sweetly dull, but is actually much smarter than he appears. I think he enjoys making us think otherwise.

        Weatherly says he is always more than happy to do so! He is glad the professor is safe and can think in peace.

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke October 5, 2013 at 17:02

        That’s the perfect description, I think, right there.

        Weatherly is really cool. :cool:

  15. 71 FictionFan October 3, 2013 at 13:30

    Schwarzy owns a company?? Wowawee! Can I dare to hope it’s a sweetie factory?

    D’you know, I think Schwarzy is actually much more intelligent than he gets credit for – he ran rings round that Beefy oaf! How dare he call my chafafah a peasant? Though he’s quite right about cashews…

    • 72 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 14:23

      Yes, he did. Before Dennis took it. Dennis takes everything that doesn’t belong to him, I fear. And he can’t be stopped.

      I suppose he could be. But you see, he was dealing with another fool. Pit him up against Pavarinni or Henry (he’s not too bright, though) or Mark Malone, and Schwarz just might not look too good.

      Wouldn’t you like a cashew in your champagne?

      • 73 Jazzy Couldren October 3, 2013 at 14:29

        Dennis is my little baby son…

      • 74 FictionFan October 3, 2013 at 14:54

        Dennis? I’ve never met him and yet already I don’t like him…how dare he steal from my Schwarzy? Fortunately, Schwarz will probably inherit another company before too long from one of his many uncles…

        Is Pavarinni bright? I must have missed that…but I would like to see Schwarz and MM2 pitting wits. I suspect Schwarz might surprise us all…

        Thank you, no. C-W-W can have the cashew…and I’ll have the champagne.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:24

        Dennis married MM1’s daughter. Personally, I’d like to see an aunt too.

        *gulp* I’m very nervous now. You shouldn’t insult Pav, for DS might exact revenge. He’s very protective of his sons. Pav’s revenge isn’t too nice either.

      • 76 FictionFan October 3, 2013 at 19:17

        Was that before or after MM1 threw her in the bathtub? (A Puncy wedding tradition perhaps?) But I suspect Dennis will fit in well to the Mighty Muscled One’s family…

        Oh, I’m not scared! If they come looking for revenge, I’ll just tell them it was your fault for misleading me…

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:34

        After. (I don’t think so…) Well, Manly-Man has disowned his daughter, and he can’t stand Dennis.

        And then they’ll kill the professor. See? You’ve threatened the professor’s life for the second time now!!

  16. 78 MissTiffany October 3, 2013 at 13:23

    Prince Beef isn’t the only one confused…haha! Does Schwarz do that on purpose?

    • 79 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 14:20

      You know, the professor isn’t sure. Schwarz seems so dull at times, but then…I do detect a bit of discriminating wit. What do you think?

      • 80 Susan P October 3, 2013 at 14:52

        I think Schwarz is deep.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:23

        Haha. As deep as a half inch!

      • 82 Susan P October 3, 2013 at 18:49

        Really? That deep? Wowowee

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:32

        Absolutely, dadblameit!

      • 84 MissTiffany October 3, 2013 at 15:06

        I don’t know. Sometimes I get the sense that he knows he is much smarter than everyone else, yet delights in making others in the Punchy Lands more ridiculous. Of course, maybe he really is just so dull that it sometimes comes off as wit because no can believe anyone could be so obtuse.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 18:25

        Hahaha!!! I think the latter one is it! It’s so perfectly put too!

      • 86 MissTiffany October 3, 2013 at 20:11

        :D

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke October 3, 2013 at 23:34

        :cool:

    • 88 deanthefish October 3, 2013 at 15:10

      Amen, I think you hit right on it.


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