Tales and Stories–Shnodgrate and Napoleon

“You see, Mr. Shnodgrate,” this professor was saying as he looked across the table at the grumpy V. Shnodgrate, “maybe you should try not to take things so seriously?”

Shnodgrate looked up. “Sometimes I wonder about you, P.VJ. If you don’t take anything seriously, how then can you possibly get on?”

“Get on with what?” I asked.

“With everything!” Shnodgrate said with a wave of his hands. “If you don’t take everything seriously, then everything won’t take you seriously.”

That got me.

Either Shnodgrate was being deep, or the professor was being dull.

“For instance,” he went on, “look at that face.” Shnodgrate shoved this picture in front of me.

Bald Eagle

“What can you tell from the eagle’s face?”

“Well…” I began unsurely. “Firstly, from his look, I suppose him a mean sort of chap–”

Shnodgrate let out a huff of disapproval and fell back into his seat.

“Something’s clearly wrong with you, P.VJ. Why do you take a serious expression as a mean expression? You always think I’m angry, but in reality, I’m serious. Just like that eagle And when you’re serious, you’re taken seriously.”

“By eagles?” I asked.

Shnodgrate didn’t approve. “By everyone!”

“I see. Maybe you should write a book about the serious expression being taken seriously.”

At that moment, Napoleon walked up and sat at our table. “Mind if I join you, eh?”

“Take this man for instance,” Shnodgrate said. “Look at him. I bet he’s never had a serious day in his whole life.”

Napoleon smiled indolently. “And have I suffered for it? I tell you, no! Ma foi!”

I shrugged. “Can’t be good overall, though, Napoleon. You see, the eagles won’t take you seriously now.”

That did it.

Shnodgrate jumped up. “I’m leaving!”

“Before you go,” Napoleon said, “I challenge you to a drinking (dual) contest! Whoever can drink more, he’s the more serious man. And I vill vin, eh?”

Shnodgrate turned and left.

“Oh well,” I said.

“Then I challenge you, P.VJ!”

I stood. “Oh no, you see, this professor isn’t the kind.”

And I left.

 

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131 Responses to “Tales and Stories–Shnodgrate and Napoleon”


  1. 1 Jackie October 29, 2013 at 22:55

    I think Shnodgrate needs to lighten up so I’m with you professor! He seems so cranky. That’s a very nice eagle capture – did Shnodgrate take it?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:43

      Yes, yes! I’m not sure. But I don’t think so. (Shnodgrate’s not that good at taking pics like you are.)

      • 3 Jackie October 30, 2013 at 00:08

        That’s very kind of you to say, Professor! Well, whoever took the picture did a good job. 8-)

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:12

        And very true! Yes, I think so too!

  2. 5 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 22:12

    I think that eagles are quite serious. Like Uncle Sam on the Muppets. He is dreadfully serious. Also, it probably is not safe to taunt birds. I’ve never been quite certain about how innocuous they may or may not be. Alfred Hitchcock put paid to that idea.

    How in the world did you manage to get yourself into a situation like that with ol’ Shnodgrate? Laws, Professor, what WERE you thinking?

    • 6 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 22:16

      Also, the picture of the eagle served well as a disturbing picture. I certainly found it disturbing.

      • 7 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:42

        Yes. It’s all in the expression, I think.

      • 8 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 23:55

        I wonder what he was thinking?

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:58

        About eating rabbits! And maybe even catching the professor!

      • 10 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 00:04

        Chasing rabbits and roasting the Professor. That doesn’t seem right.

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:11

        It seems downright dreadfully mean.

      • 12 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 01:02

        Then why bring it up?

      • 13 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:08

        Because wicked things sometimes must be discussed.

      • 14 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 13:22

        Unfortunately, they do.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:05

        Well, not much wicked happens in the PL.

      • 16 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 17:37

        We can hope.

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 19:00

        Yes, yes, exactly!

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:41

      Haha! I think you’re right. Birds have a very mean expression that seems to say, “Stay away please, or else.” I always thought that all they needed in the Birds was a flamethrower. That would have fetched them birds.

      Wasn’t the professor being sweet? I thought I was. Shnodgrate just liked to fight with me, I think.

      • 19 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 23:54

        I’m surprised no one thought of a flamethrower. It seems so obvious.

        Shnod is a bit overbearing.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:57

        It is! And the professor would have done it, you know. Though he would have done it sweetly.

        I think he means well, though. Perhaps, he needs to laugh more.

      • 21 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 23:59

        I don’t think that hanging about with eagles is going to help him lighten up. Perhaps some African Gray Parrots?

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:10

        If they’re sweet, I bet so! But we’ll have to bring him one.

      • 23 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 01:01

        They are highly intelligent.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:06

        It makes sense. You see, it looks a bit like the professor. :D

  3. 25 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 29, 2013 at 20:47

    Shnodgrate’s Proverbs make me smile. Please allow him to stay serious, professor. His words are some of my WordPress favorites. He makes me think. Not near enough people allow me to do that. They prefer I stay funny 24/7.

    I also like that the professor is such a brat during this conversation. I enjoy that the professor uses words like “sort of chap”. (Did you take the picture?)

    In the end, the professor sticks to his guns. I approve.

    • 26 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:38

      Well, the professor has to stay professorish, so shouldn’t you have to stay funny? :) But of course, I don’t think the professor will ever be able to change Shnodgrate. (I’ll tell him you enjoy his Punchy P’s. He’ll be very happy. He rarely gets compliments.)

      A brat? Dadblameit! Anything is better. How about just a rat? Sort of chap–I like that too! (Oh no, I didn’t. If I had, you would be laughing at the professor’s lack of gift in photography.)

      Thank you! I’m sure ODRS would too!

      • 27 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 00:18

        I suppose those are the cards that have been delt, so funny it is. Yes, tell him…he could be a possible coffee pot mate. :) We could share seriousness together.

        Yes, you were being a bit of a brat. ;)

        Yea, I dig my heals in…for sure.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:22

        Seriousness…how horrid. Though the professor is very serious at times.

        I was not, dadblameit!

        Good for you!

      • 29 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 00:26

        Not horrid, sometimes it’s fun!!!

        Yes you were….just admit it!

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:03

        I shan’t!

      • 31 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 20:04

        Go Cards! Please please please…Where’s my squirrel? :D

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 22:12

        It’s over tonight, I fear. Squirrel for what?

      • 33 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 22:32

        The Rally Squirrel…ah, it’s okay. I didn’t know if you had that background info.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke October 31, 2013 at 17:03

        The professor misses most background info.

      • 35 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 00:58

        Oh, now rude of me not to include the professor in my offer for coffee. Where are my manners? Only if you are feeling very serious, that is. :lol:

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:05

        Haha! But the professor doesn’t like coffee. It’s a wicked drink….

      • 37 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 20:03

        I know, I remember. :) Although it seems strange that someone who claims to be wicked doesn’t drink a wicked beverage…. too much wickedness!

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 22:12

        The professor is sweet, not wicked.

      • 39 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 30, 2013 at 22:32

        Make up your mind…!

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke October 31, 2013 at 17:04

        I think it’s about the same difference.

      • 41 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister October 31, 2013 at 19:09

        Wicked and Sweet? Really? Hmm.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke October 31, 2013 at 22:21

        Yes! Synonyms!

      • 43 Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister November 1, 2013 at 03:05

        Ha!

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke November 1, 2013 at 15:23

        :)

  4. 45 The Dancing Rider October 29, 2013 at 20:20

    Professor! I can see how you (deliberately, I fear) confound types like Schnodgrate — who definitely need as much confounding as possible. They are far too serious.

    The eagle has no expression. He just is. Though he does look like maybe one would not want to mess with him. His being a predator and all….

    Napoleon, though, is not taken seriously by anyone here, including Schnodgrate! How funny!

    • 46 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 22:14

      Dancing Rider, you think the Professor likes to stir up trouble?

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:42

        Hey, let’s not go picking on the poor professor, or I’ll call…I’ll call…somebody!

      • 48 Susan P October 29, 2013 at 23:55

        Who will you call? Ol’ Shnod?

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:58

        Who should the professor call? Maybe Sammy Davis Jr. I’m sure he’d help.

      • 50 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 00:03

        Who is next on the list?

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:11

        After Sammy? Umm…John Wayne.

      • 52 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 01:02

        The Duke sings?

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:08

        I’ve seen it on a few occasions!

      • 54 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 13:17

        Did you mean heard it?

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:04

        Yes! Goodness grasshoppers, I did.

      • 56 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 17:36

        giggle

        I think I heard some grasshoppers singing once. It was near the end of summer. They were having a party.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 18:59

        How interesting! You should have taped it.

      • 58 The Dancing Rider October 30, 2013 at 13:08

        Smirk. Of course, in a …. fun … way, of course! :)

      • 59 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 13:21

        He is a delightfully fun fellow.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:04

        Who? Sammy or John?

      • 61 Susan P October 30, 2013 at 17:37

        Who? You petitioned to not go there. Did you change your mind?

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 18:59

        Oh yes, I did. The professor is a curious sort of chap.

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:36

      I thought the professor was being sweet… But you’re right, confounding is needed in his case. But the professor was being sweet, I assure you. He’s always sweet, you know.

      You sure? He did look mat about something.

      I know! Haha. Poor Nappy. But we can’t feel to bad for him, him being an emperor and all.

  5. 64 Painting Pundit October 29, 2013 at 20:01

    I have to agree with the mean look in the eagle’s eye, after all he is a predator. Although he could be a serious predator or maybe a seriously mean predator. Maybe Shnodgrate is a seriously mean predator. — Probably best not to engage in a drinking duel with anyone named Napoleon

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:35

      Very true! :lol: I like the seriously mean predator–which makes both of us right, doesn’t it?

      Haha! The professor would love to tell Shnoddy that, for sure. :lol:

      I agree. You think the professor would lose?

  6. 66 sonya solomonovich October 29, 2013 at 18:54

    Hahaha that is so punchyish, using an eagle as an example. I’ve seen a few bald eagles here in Vancouver, and they sometimes make funny sounds! Perhaps they’re not serious all the time.
    I have to side with Napoleon and the professor, though: seriousness is overrated.

    • 67 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:28

      How neat! Where the professor is, there’s no eagles, just hawks. Funny, Punchyish sounds perhaps?

      Yes, very overrated.

      • 68 sonya solomonovich October 30, 2013 at 04:08

        Indeed, their call may be described as punchyish. It’s very high-pitched for such a “serious” creature. Maybe they’ve had a taste of the scientist’s pink potion.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:10

        I think you’re on to something there. A Punchyish bird, how interesting!

  7. 70 Anja October 29, 2013 at 17:43

    I don’t believe the eagle looks mean or serious….I think he feels misunderstood.
    Professor should have enjoyed the drinking dual. Napoleon is a little man, he probably gets drunk fairly easy.

    • 71 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:27

      Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps it’s misunderstood meanness that he suffers from. But that wouldn’t be good for the professor’s liver, would it?

      • 72 Anja October 30, 2013 at 00:35

        Maybe the Eagle is just sick of having his picture taken every time he turns around. It has to be tiring. Would you like it? Imagine the paparazzi always after you.

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:05

        Yes, the professor would like it! :D

      • 74 Anja October 30, 2013 at 13:07

        It can be arranged

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:11

        Great!

  8. 76 MissTiffany October 29, 2013 at 16:15

    Haha, I couldn’t help giggling at the professor’s sass to Shnodgrate. Though personally, I am certain I wouldn’t have been able to take him seriously either, especially if he showed me the picture of the eagle as an example of being serious. Shnodgrate would probably say I need to be more serious. I liked Napoleon though. :)

    • 77 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 17:23

      The professor was being completely sweet, I assure you!

      :lol: The eagle example was sort of ridiculous. I’m sure Miss Tiffany would have laughed!

      Yes, and Nappy, you know, loves boiled potatoes.

      • 78 MissTiffany October 29, 2013 at 18:59

        Of course you were.

        I know I would have!

        I knew I liked him. :)

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:29

        You’re so agreeable! :D

      • 80 MissTiffany October 30, 2013 at 12:41

        :) I like to think so.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:10

        And the professor believes so. (Unless you’re speaking of the great MT or something to do with that Jane woman.)

      • 82 MissTiffany October 30, 2013 at 13:14

        :) Haha, well, one can’t be agreeable all the time….

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:03

        Or professorish, for that matter.

      • 84 MissTiffany October 30, 2013 at 15:05

        We wouldn’t want to be just one thing all the time anyway. It would terribly boring.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:15

        But the professor is cursed with professorishness all the time.

      • 86 MissTiffany October 30, 2013 at 15:17

        Lucky for us, we love the professor and his professorishness. All the time. ^_^

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 18:48

        :D That’s very nice of you to say!

      • 88 MissTiffany October 30, 2013 at 18:55

        :)

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 19:03

        :cool:

  9. 90 Warrior (@WarwarWarrior) October 29, 2013 at 14:42

    I like how no one pays any attention to Napoleon at the end. Maybe Shnodgrate wasn’t so wrong…

    • 91 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 14:47

      Haha! Excellent point, Warby. But–what’s that mean for the professor?

      • 92 Warrior (@WarwarWarrior) October 29, 2013 at 14:52

        Guess…he was wrong (!!!)

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 17:19

        The professor? Impossible!

  10. 94 L. Marie October 29, 2013 at 14:37

    That Napoleon! What a card! Nice photo of the eagle. I think the eagle looks contemplative. Chew on that, Shnodgrate!.

    • 95 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 14:47

      He is a card!

      You’re right, definitely contemplative–and mean, wouldn’t you say?

      I wish the professor would have thought of contemplative…

  11. 96 FictionFan October 29, 2013 at 13:48

    Oh, don’t upset old Shnoddy, Prof, or his proverbs will be miserable as well as incomprehensible! Napoleon seems like a fun chap, though – maybe he should do the proverbs in future.

    • 97 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 14:46

      :lol: I’m very sorry. But I’m sure FEF would have done the same thing, for sure.

      Oh dear! Don’t say such things! V. Shnodgrate might drop in and read a bit!

      Nappy (as DS calls him) is a funny character. As a matter of fact, I think he’d enjoy that Burns party you were speaking of.

      • 98 FictionFan October 29, 2013 at 15:54

        :D Who, me? As if I’d ever be rude to that old fool…

        Funnily enough, I was thinking that Nappy sounded like the type of guy who’d enjoy a party – whereas Shnoddy would sit in a corner spreading doom and gloom. He really needs to lighten up – he should take up a nice hobby – dancing, perhaps.

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 17:21

        Haha. Of course not! What was the professor thinking? Not much, I suppose.

        I think you’re exactly right. But Shnodgrate maintains that he’s not gloomy, just serious. The professor doesn’t buy it. I’m sure Nappy has lots of parties at his palace. Interestingly, Shnoddy does dance…

      • 100 FictionFan October 29, 2013 at 19:11

        Even my enthusiasm for dancing might be dimmed at the thought of dancing with Shnoddy! He’d probably insist on sharing his latest proverbs as we twirled – which may well lead to me stepping ever so gently on his toes! That would make him serious for sure…

        Nappy on the other hand – bet he dances even better after the drinking duel than before…

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:32

        You really like dancing? I though you were joking, dadblameit.

        Haha, maybe he’ll wear steel-tipped boots? But I’m sure he’d still be a gentleman about it.

        :lol: If you’d like that kind of dancing.

      • 102 FictionFan October 30, 2013 at 01:01

        :lol: No, my enthusiasm is mainly in my head rather than my feet, I fear! Nappy’s style is probably better suited to me than an elegant cotillion, in truth…

        And Shnoddy would probably come up with some obscure proverb about how standing on your partner’s toes is a sign of impending doom…

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:07

        Oh no. The professor is sure that FEF would look just fine dancing the cotillion. (The fairy side would come out, I think.) Nappy wouldn’t be a good companion, but from what I’ve seen, it looks like a glorified walk.

        :lol: He just might!

      • 104 FictionFan October 30, 2013 at 14:11

        A glorified walk should be easy for the Professor to master then… ;)

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:12

        The professor already walks gloriously.

      • 106 FictionFan October 30, 2013 at 15:24

        :lol: :lol: I’d pay to see a video of that… :lol:

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 18:50

        Why? And how much? :D

      • 108 FictionFan October 30, 2013 at 20:40

        Because I feel it must look rather…Darbyish! (Two squares of dark chocolate…)

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 22:15

        Hmmm…confounded rats! (Is that more pricey than two squares of milk chocolate?)

      • 110 FictionFan October 31, 2013 at 01:56

        Dadblameit! You do ask awkward questions sometimes! For some people, dark chocolate would be more valuable…but honesty compels me to admit I much prefer milkio and was trying to get away with passing the yukky dark stuff off onto you…caught red-handed! :oops:

      • 111 Professor VJ Duke October 31, 2013 at 17:10

        Sorry! How mean… The professor would hope that FEF would never use that tactic on me… Oh well. I’ll take the dark, though, if you’ll like. At least, you were honest.

      • 112 FictionFan October 31, 2013 at 18:54

        No, no, of course I’d never try to trick the Professor… :twisted:

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke October 31, 2013 at 22:20

        :cry:

      • 114 FictionFan November 1, 2013 at 14:35

        Oh, how awful – I’ve made poor C-W-W cry! You can have any of my chocolate you want…in fact, you can have it ALL! And an ice-lolly!

      • 115 Professor VJ Duke November 1, 2013 at 15:32

        A homemade cherry ice-lolly would be cheery! :D

  12. 116 Jennwith2ns October 29, 2013 at 13:38

    Reblogged this on That's a Jenn Story and commented:
    The Tuesday Reblog

    The Professor over at the Punchy Lands is random and quirky and funny, and I especially liked this post today, as a woman who is learning to take herself less seriously and who has on occasion been told by perfect strangers (including the toll taker on the state highway over the weekend) to please smile because I look better that way.

    • 117 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 14:45

      Thanks so much for the reblog, Jenn! The professor is honored, flabbergasted, and professorish!

      (I think the professor could probably be told the opposite.)

      • 118 Jennwith2ns October 29, 2013 at 18:30

        Ha. I doubt it. No one tells people to frown more. Except Shnodgrate, apparently.

      • 119 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:28

        Yes, he might. You could try and be more professorish, perhaps.

      • 120 Jennwith2ns October 29, 2013 at 23:35

        I think that would probably be a good idea. It’s why I married my Paul. He helps. :-)

      • 121 Professor VJ Duke October 29, 2013 at 23:44

        Great! Is he professorish?

      • 122 Jennwith2ns October 30, 2013 at 00:07

        Probably a little. At least, in current context. :-)

      • 123 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:11

        Congratulate him from the professor!

      • 124 Jennwith2ns October 30, 2013 at 00:12

        Okay, I shall. After I finish writing this serious paper for class . . .

      • 125 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 00:13

        :D Very good! And good luck with the dadblame paper.

      • 126 Jennwith2ns October 30, 2013 at 00:26

        Thanks. It is proving challenging.

      • 127 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 13:03

        The professor hated writing papers!

      • 128 Jennwith2ns October 30, 2013 at 13:27

        There seems something mildly ironic about that . . .

      • 129 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 15:05

        I can’t think for the life of me what…

      • 130 Jennwith2ns October 30, 2013 at 15:30

        :-)

      • 131 Professor VJ Duke October 30, 2013 at 18:51

        ==]:-{)= (The professorish face.)


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