How do you tell Daddy Salami bad news?

“You tell him,” Schwarz said.

“Oh no,” Ruber laughed nervously. “You tell him. You did it. So you tell him what you’ve done, eh?”

“Hehe. I don’t wanna. ‘Cause he could get pretty mean–tell you what!”

Ruber didn’t answer; he stared past Schwarz towards the remains of Daddy Salami’s Hut.

He shook his head. “I still can’t believe you burnt the hut to the ground. I mean, how did you do that?”

“I told you. I wanted to make lunch for Salami, and the stove is so weird. Oh yeah!”

Ruber laughed, enjoying Schwarz’s predicament. “What an excuse! Dad is going to be really angry, and you’re going to catch it!”

Schwarz’s mouth hung open in disbelief. “Na. I think he’ll understand, and be very sweet about it, tell you what.”

Ruber let out a huff. “Then you don’t know me dad. You’re going to fetch it, just like the time I fetched it for not cutting the grass with the stupid tweezers he gave me!”

Then, a singing voice was heard:

“La, la, la, ladada.”

Ruber crossed his arms. “And here he comes.”

“Oh no!” Schwarz suddenly looked nervous. “Is he going to be mad?”

“Yep. You’re going to fetch it.”

As Daddy Salami drew nearer, Schwarz’s apprehension began to grow steadily, until he shouted, “No, no!”

Which did nothing.

Daddy Salami waltzed up the path and stopped–abruptly.

“Where’s me hut?” he asked.

“I think Schwarz has something to tell you,” Ruber said smugly.

Salami turned towards Schwarz, his mouth hanging open in anger. “Vhat?”

Schwarz thought for a moment–only a moment, mind you–then he said, “Your hut got burned to the ground, baby.”

Salami turned on Ruber. “Ya, cur! How did ya burn down me hut, huh? I’m goin’ rip your liver out!”

“Wait a minute,” Ruber said, raising his hands. “I’ve got nothin’ to do with it. Schwarz burnt it down, not me.”

Salami laughed. “We all know that Daddy Salami can’t beat strangers like he beats his son! Anyway, ya was here, ya is going to answer for it!”

“Your eyes are blazing green which is very strange,” Schwarz noticed.

“Shut-up, cur-sauce.”

“I can’t believe this!” Ruber exclaimed. “It’s not even me fault, and I’m getting blamed for it!”

Salami laughed. “Ya better run to give yourself a sportin’ chance.”

“Forget it.”

Salami sprung at Ruber, but Ruber was quicker. He took a fairly large stick, and struck Salami on the head.

Salami hit the ground unconscious.

“My recommendation,” Ruber said, “don’t be here when he awakens.”

And Ruber set off.

Schwarz, however, began to dig a grave. “Might as well burry him.”

 

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91 Responses to “How do you tell Daddy Salami bad news?”


  1. 1 Hazy December 27, 2013 at 02:48

    Wow, Ruber’s got some pretty good evasive and reflexive skills. I guess he got lot of practice growing up avoiding DS’s wrath.

    Haha Schwarz concluding to bury DS was very Schwarzy. Though I think Ruber would be blamed for it, I fear.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 30, 2013 at 15:09

      :lol: I think you’re right. Ruber’s out to save his own skin.

      I think you’re right. But it was sweet of Schwarz.

      • 3 Hazy December 31, 2013 at 12:59

        Haha, it was sweet in a Schwarzy way. :cool:

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 31, 2013 at 20:20

        :lol: So true.

  2. 5 weggieboy December 13, 2013 at 20:10

    “cur-sauce” ~ Wow, DS is nasty! Of course, so was the message.

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:31

      Very true. I’m glad I wasn’t there.

  3. 7 Painting Pundit December 13, 2013 at 19:50

    Its about time someone hit DS over the head!!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:31

      :lol: He did deserve it!

  4. 9 L. Marie December 13, 2013 at 14:24

    Oh dear. First, the pink potion. Now this.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:49

      You feel bad for DS don’t you?

  5. 11 elprice2013 December 13, 2013 at 11:15

    This somewhat sad story made me giggle. :D
    I frequently feel apprehension when passing on bad news! Hitting people over the head is a good way to get out of a beating.

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:47

      It is! I should’ve tried back in the day… Maybe I’ll try it anyway.

  6. 13 ladycheetah7 December 12, 2013 at 23:39

    It is just too bad DS did not have home owners insurance in the event cases like these happen.

    • 14 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 13:39

      Laughing.

    • 15 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:37

      Maybe he did?

  7. 16 The Dancing Rider December 12, 2013 at 22:28

    Oh no! Ruber won’t let the Schwarz put DS in the “grave”. If DS IS buried, he’ll find a way out of there. Then look out. (eek)

    • 17 Susan P December 12, 2013 at 22:53

      I think you are right, DR.

      • 18 The Dancing Rider December 12, 2013 at 22:56

        I wouldn’t want to be there, if DS is put in, and emerges … later … scary!

      • 19 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 01:14

        It doesn’t bear thinking of.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:37

      I wonder who he’ll go for first. What do you think? Schwarz or Ruber?

      • 21 The Dancing Rider December 13, 2013 at 14:14

        He’d probably think twice (as he has before) prior to dealing with Schwarz. I fear Ruber will take the brunt, because DS knows he can go there.

        Would be mean fun if DS did go for Schwarz and got “bi-yotch” slapped down! ;-)

        Though who could really blame DS, when Schwarz suggests putting DS in a grave?! Schwarz does deserve a little something here!

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:49

        Good point. And very true.

        :lol: Maybe he will…

        But wasn’t Schwarz just trying to be helpful? I really believe he thought DS was dead.

      • 23 The Dancing Rider December 13, 2013 at 21:07

        He might have been being helpful … I think I never quite know with Schwarz.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:31

        True. Schwarz is sometimes so…dull-ish.

  8. 25 Sonya Solomonovich December 12, 2013 at 21:11

    No doubt Daddy will bounce back. I think DS is like those immortals from the Highlander series… “he cannot die unless you take his head, and with it his power.”

    • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:37

      But even then…. What a horrid thought. I think you like DS.

      • 27 Sonya Solomonovich December 13, 2013 at 01:30

        The headless Salami! Horrid and yet there is some potential for comedy.

        Haha yes you’ve discovered my dark secret: I think I do like DS! It’s definitely an acquired taste :)

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:43

        There is!

        It is. Something very nice about him.

  9. 29 bardictale December 12, 2013 at 20:44

    Not a very nice father, is he? Rubber should walk around with a newspaper too.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:37

      I think you’re right. But wasn’t Ruber a bit mean?

      • 31 bardictale December 13, 2013 at 07:12

        Why? Because he hit DS over the head with a stick? He was about to be beaten for no good reason.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:46

        DS always does that. But Ruber sometimes sticks up for himself.

      • 33 bardictale December 14, 2013 at 16:13

        Which is why he doesn’t get a rap on the head;-)

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2013 at 21:55

        True, true. You’re always saying true things you know.

      • 35 bardictale December 16, 2013 at 04:39

        What a compliment professor! Thank you.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2013 at 13:48

        :D

  10. 37 Susan P December 12, 2013 at 20:15

    Wow! Yesterday he was the hero, today he’s lost his home and his stuff. Laws!!! Whatever will he do now? Move in with Ruber?

    • 38 Susan P December 12, 2013 at 20:15

      BTW, nice job on building suspense.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:35

        I tell stories badly, but I do think I got the point across.

      • 40 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 01:19

        “I tell stories badly”
        Is that how you have so many followers?

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:40

        Why do you tell stories badly? You’re like me.

      • 42 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 15:42

        Sir, you have misinterpreted my intention. You are therefore required to reintention it on purpose.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:50

        I’m really not sure how to do that.

      • 44 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 16:02

        I daresay you will find a way.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:22

        No I won’t dadblameit!

      • 46 Susan P December 14, 2013 at 01:42

        Right then. We’ll see.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 02:46

        I suppose.

      • 48 Susan P December 14, 2013 at 13:46

        You DON’T suppose. Dadblameit.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2013 at 21:51

        The professor is always supposing.

      • 50 Susan P December 15, 2013 at 22:20

        The Professor is supposed to do that.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2013 at 13:48

        I suppose he is!

      • 52 Susan P December 16, 2013 at 14:38

        Maybe he is just a supposition.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2013 at 16:28

        :lol: That’s….mean.

      • 54 Susan P December 16, 2013 at 19:06

        I suppose it is.

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2013 at 19:36

        :D

      • 56 Susan P December 16, 2013 at 21:41

        :D

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2013 at 13:30

        :cool:

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:34

      Well, Ruber lived with him. He’ll probably move in with Art, or Pav. Or find another place to crash.

      • 59 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 01:18

        You should use the word, “crash” carefully when you speak of the PL.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:40

        The professor likes to crash.

      • 61 Susan P December 13, 2013 at 16:05

        What is your favorite method of crashing?

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:23

        On the sofa, I think.

      • 63 Susan P December 14, 2013 at 01:44

        I would do that except the dogs argue over who gets to crash with me.

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 02:48

        One on each side should be the rule.

      • 65 Susan P December 14, 2013 at 13:56

        That would work fine, but both are of the opinion that the left side is my best side and they /will/ ruch and squirm, manipulate and wiggle dadblameit.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2013 at 21:53

        :lol: They’re both cute enough to get away with it, too.

      • 67 Susan P December 15, 2013 at 22:14

        Yes, they are cute enough to get away with it. Except, I suppose, with the groomer. The groomer told us to find another groomer.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2013 at 13:44

        :lol: That’s good. You don’t want them being too friendly with strangers!

  11. 69 Anja December 12, 2013 at 18:48

    Hahaha he is going to bury him? I cannot wait until he wakes up. This will be very good.

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:34

      What do you suppose will happen?

      • 71 Anja December 13, 2013 at 02:49

        I think DS will wake with a huge headache and seek revenge. Then before anything happens, he will forget about it all. Ohhhhh maybe he get amnesia!!! Then everyone can convince him he is a nice guy and have lots of fun. :)

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:44

        I think he thinks he’s a nice guy. But you may be right about how this plays out.

      • 73 Anja December 13, 2013 at 18:14

        :) can’t wait to find out

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:28

        It will be dadblamery!

      • 75 Anja December 14, 2013 at 02:19

        ha as always

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 02:50

        Yes!

  12. 77 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 12, 2013 at 16:53

    Daddy Salami waltzes up the path? ! Haha! Let’s all sit back and watch him.

    Oh no! What a mess. These three are out of control. Someone should mediate this much testosterone, professor.

    Poor hut. Is this the end for DS? What will Ruber do? Schwarz…he’s something.

    • 78 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:32

      Yes, he skips about and sings.

      I thought it was all very controlled.

      DS will return… Ruber will run away to see MM probably. And Schwarz will end up dying.

      • 79 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 13, 2013 at 03:00

        Fun fellow!

        You know, it was pretty controlled, actually. :)

        Well thanks for ruining it!

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:45

        I delight in ruining things.

      • 81 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 13, 2013 at 16:47

        Phewy on you.

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke December 14, 2013 at 00:25

        And a huff-hum to you.

  13. 83 technophile9 December 12, 2013 at 16:19

    Poor Ruber. I feel kind of sorry for him. But at the same time, this was hilarious! :D

    • 84 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:32

      Thank you! Twas a Punchy story, you know.

  14. 85 FictionFan December 12, 2013 at 15:36

    :lol: Good old Schwarzy! That hut so badly needed to be burnt down! Shame though that he didn’t torch Ruber’s Cafe at the same time…

    I almost feel sorry for DS – he’s not coming out on top as often lately, and being buried alive is never pleasant. That evil chuckle will be getting rusty…

    • 86 Susan P December 12, 2013 at 20:17

      He’ll make a comeback or his name isn’t DS.

    • 87 Professor VJ Duke December 12, 2013 at 23:31

      It was a nice hut, dadfetchit!

      Well, if tomorrow’s thing get done, well…

      • 88 FictionFan December 13, 2013 at 01:38

        Dadfetchit? Very Twain!

        Work through the night if you have to…

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:43

        The professor is Twain’s son.

        I did.

      • 90 FictionFan December 13, 2013 at 15:44

        82 after all then?

        It was worth it… :D

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2013 at 15:51

        202, actually. :D But I’m well preserved…


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