The Strange Matter of Racing a Tortoise

“Sir, have you ever raced a tortoise?” Mr. Ratherquite asked.

Fats Henry blinked once, then twice. “Should I take this question seriously, huh?”

“Of course, sir,” Mr. Ratherquite affirmed. “Of course you should.”

Henry shook his head. “Race a turtle?”

“No, no. A tortoise.”

“THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE!” Henry roared.

Mr. Ratherquite looked unhappy. “Never mind.”

***

“Have you, sir, ever raced a tortoise?”

“Me?” Schwarz asked. “Haha. I don’t know. Maybe? But I don’t remember.”

“It is of utmost importance that you remember,” Mr. Ratherquite said. “Now, try to remember.”

“Okay…” Schwarz seemed to be thinking hard. “Okay… First, what is a tortoise?”

Mr. Ratherquite seemed displeased again. “From your answer I can tell that you never have.”

***

“I bet you have raced a tortoise. Have you, sir?”

Daddy Salami’s mouth fell open. “What a cur-like question. You know I never raced you! Hehaha!”

Mr. Ratherquite’s eyes opened widely. “Sir! How dare you be rude and crude!”

“Hehaha. Lalala. Hehaha.”

***

“Now, sir, don’t disappoint me, please. Have you ever raced a tortoise?”

Bud Parker raised an eyebrow, then made a strange clicking noise with his tongue. “Seriously? Is that a question?”

“It sure is, sir.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I’ve recently purchased a tortoise, and I’d like to know if they’re fast creatures before I let Tom (my tortoise) out of its cage. I don’t want to be chasing it about the house. I have many gifts, and speed is not one of them.”

 

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112 Responses to “The Strange Matter of Racing a Tortoise”


  1. 1 Hazy December 27, 2013 at 03:39

    Why would Mr. R purchase a tortoise, I wonder. He has a point though, a tortoise isn’t exactly a turtle. They do have a bit of difference (hazy can be a nerd :lol: )

    I hear turtles make good ninjas. He should’ve bought a turtle instead. :D I doubt Tom the tortoise appreciates being caged. And even if Tom may not be fast, do you reckon he’d be faster than Mr. R?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 30, 2013 at 15:11

      ( :lol: Not at all! what’s the difference?)

      I bet he would be… And a turtle ninja would be cool.

      • 3 Hazy December 31, 2013 at 12:54

        (;lol: If I remember correctly, tortoises are land dwellers while turtles can both go on land and water)

        Maybe Tom the tortoise and Mr. R should have a race :lol:

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 31, 2013 at 20:20

        Yes, that sounds right.

        :lol: That would be epic!

      • 5 Hazy January 2, 2014 at 15:03

        I bet! :lol:

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2014 at 17:43

        :lol:

  2. 7 nshina December 19, 2013 at 13:30

    lol..@The Dancing Rider…spot on!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:48

      :lol: She was!

  3. 9 Painting Pundit December 19, 2013 at 03:50

    As usual, D.S. nails it!

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:47

      He did! I particularly loved his response.

      • 11 Painting Pundit December 19, 2013 at 15:13

        It was so tactful!

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:12

        And…mean.

      • 13 Painting Pundit December 19, 2013 at 16:15

        Typical of DS

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:16

        That’s true.

  4. 15 dalefurse December 19, 2013 at 02:47

    Haha, that’s funny.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:44

      I can’t help but feel that he could have figured out the answer in a munch better way–and before he bought the tortoise, don’t you think?

      • 17 dalefurse December 19, 2013 at 22:22

        Yeah, maybe he should have researched.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:33

        Definitely, yes.

  5. 19 The Dancing Rider December 18, 2013 at 23:01

    Laughing…..each response showed the character to the max, didn’t it. The best is that Mr. Ratherquite has purchased one, and does not know…… ;-)

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:38

      Haha, it is, definitely. I think I liked DS’s response best.

      • 21 The Dancing Rider December 19, 2013 at 14:39

        I did, too! :)

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:49

        :D You have a soft spot for the beast!

      • 23 The Dancing Rider December 19, 2013 at 23:11

        I feel bad for him sometimes. But then at others I don’t like his methods. Still….his response was one of the best! :)

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:33

        It was. Bud Parker handled it well too.

      • 25 The Dancing Rider December 19, 2013 at 23:36

        You are right – he did! After all, he’s 2/3 of my PL character!

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:47

        That’s right! You have a good makeup! :lol:

  6. 27 sknicholls December 18, 2013 at 19:39

    Do you think a turtle could race better without his shell, or would he still be slow?

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:54

      Good question. You know, I think he’d do much better without the armor. Wouldn’t you say?

  7. 29 elprice2013 December 18, 2013 at 19:33

    This made me giggle. It really sounds like a conversation that I would have with my daughter.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:53

      :lol: I think if it was my turtle, I’d call him Frederick. How’s that?

  8. 31 Anja December 18, 2013 at 18:43

    Well that was unexpected…I think I would also like to ask how each person pronounces tortoise. That was a serious discussion between myself and my Scottish friend.

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:52

      Oh really? How does a Scottish person pronounce it? How do you pronounce it? How does the professor pronounce it?

      (Btw, it was as unexpected as the professor.)

      • 33 Anja December 18, 2013 at 21:58

        http://anelephantcant.me/2013/11/26/tortoises-porpoises-and-anelephant/
        That might explain how to say it…according to a Scotsman.
        I say it correctly which I am sure the Professor does as well. We also debated turtles v tortoise.

        (I do not think the professor is unexpected)

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 22:52

        It’s a good debate, for sure.

        (That’s because you keep his mind ordered. For everyone else, I’m quite unexpected.)

      • 35 Anja December 18, 2013 at 22:56

        ( I quite like how the professor is either way)

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:37

        (That makes me happy.)

      • 37 Anja December 19, 2013 at 18:42

        (I’m glad it does)

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:31

        (My head would be messed up without you.)

      • 39 Anja December 20, 2013 at 01:15

        (or maybe I just mess it up more which makes you think it is not a mess)

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2013 at 13:37

        Well, same difference. The professor is happy either way.

      • 41 Anja December 20, 2013 at 20:58

        If you are happy…I am happy.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2013 at 14:58

        I’m happy when Hector doesn’t die.

      • 43 Anja December 21, 2013 at 17:31

        Okay well we won’t allow that to happen somehow.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke December 30, 2013 at 15:03

        :D

  9. 45 bardictale December 18, 2013 at 17:16

    I do believe he should have asked if they’d ever chased a tortoise. A bit more accurate, in any case.

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:52

      Yes, it would have definitely made more sense, for sure. Do you find Mr. R a bit…dull?

      • 47 bardictale December 19, 2013 at 11:15

        Silly would prehaps be more accurate.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:47

        I think you’re right. Even the ladies call him a silly fellow.

  10. 49 Debbie December 18, 2013 at 16:05

    “Try to remember…” Now I’m going to be singing that thing for the rest of the day. Thank you, Mr. Ratherquite.

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:51

      :lol: But it’s not that bad of a song, is it?

  11. 51 ladycheetah7 December 18, 2013 at 15:48

    Being Captain Obvious here. If Mr. R was so smart shouldn’t he have asked the question before buying the tortoise?

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:51

      Yes, he should have, but Mr. R is…Mr. R. Maybe I should bring you a tortoise for Christmas?

      • 53 ladycheetah7 December 19, 2013 at 02:36

        Wouldn’t di any good. I had two fish Dom Perignone and Prince Henry. Both of them died so handling animals is not my calling.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:43

        :lol: But all fish die! Probably was not your fault. And how could they live up to those names?

      • 55 ladycheetah7 December 19, 2013 at 15:12

        With DP I think I killed him (totally unintentional) by not cleaning his tank as often and PH I think he had a brain tumor because he kept bumping his head against the fish tank. NEVER buy fish from Wal-Mart. So for the names, DP was from a drink and upon research it was the name of a monk. The second fish was named after the character in the movie Happily Ever After.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:12

        I know. The professor once bought fishes from the place… Still, very cool names.

      • 57 ladycheetah7 December 19, 2013 at 15:16

        They could live up to the names because DP was feisty and festive and PH well apparently he didn’t live long enough to live up to the name

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:13

        :lol: I’m surprised you even wanted fish. Perhaps you should get a ferret?

      • 59 ladycheetah7 December 19, 2013 at 16:19

        I was trying something new and we used to have fish fights and place bets but it didn’t last…lol l

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:25

        :lol: Seriously?

      • 61 ladycheetah7 December 19, 2013 at 23:47

        I am so not joking. I forgot what kind of fish they were but they were violent and would bite the opponents tail. Even one of the coworkers talked about calling PITA. Anywhoo the fish died and we held a funeral. Ashes to ashes, flush to flush.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:48

        :lol: :lol: :lol: Flush to flush put it over the top…

      • 63 ladycheetah7 December 20, 2013 at 00:38

        O:-)

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2013 at 00:53

        :lol: There it is again! It totally cracks me up.

  12. 65 L. Marie December 18, 2013 at 15:14

    Tom the Tortoise? Will Tom travel with the ladies now? Will one of them heft him from place to place. Oh I see intriguing possibilities ahead.

    • 66 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:51

      Do you think it’s a good name? Or should we have Mr. R rename the beast?

      :lol: I do too! I can see the ladies complaining about bringing him along.

      • 67 L. Marie December 19, 2013 at 14:28

        Well, when I heard the name Tom, I think of a turkey or a cat. But Mr. Ratherquite never seems to listen to anyone, so it seems appropriate that he would choose a name others would object to.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:49

        You know, that’s true. I’m sure the ladies would want to call it Todd, or something like that. But Mr. R is probably all decided.

  13. 69 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 18, 2013 at 14:52

    It seems that each of these conversations could also have been exchanges between the professor and myself. Round and round we go, no one getting anywhere.

    A turtle is a fine investment. They take care of the grass, so Bud’s time ought to free up some next summer. :) Plus, purchasing a saddle can be lots of fun. I can see the professor now.

    In all seriousness, troubling conversations can be a travisty. Up most of annoyances, I feel for M. R.

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:50

      That’s because Audith doesn’t pay this very wise professor any heed.

      Turtles know how to cut grass? :shock: A saddle on a turtle, and a professor on the saddle. I don’t like this arrangement.

      That’s because you like him.

      • 71 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 19, 2013 at 02:53

        I sit here wondering if I put any energy into a response. Hmm. No heed? Okay, then.

        Duketh, ye come hither. By my troth! Audith shall…I have but naught.

        Yes, they truly do! They eat every piece!! Such a awesome score on your part. Well, it was a long shot, but since sledding didn’t work out…

        Not as much as I like Magi, though. He’s special to me. Or Arty and Nappy.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:45

        :P

        I shan’t cometh any closereth.

        Wow. I must need get me some turtles.

        Really? Must get those guys in more stories, then.

      • 73 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 19, 2013 at 15:23

        :lol:

        Good idea. Walk away slowly.

        Yes! Many turtles.

        Well Arty and Nappy have been recently. It’s that helpful guy you guys never talk about…at least not since I’ve been tuning in. (Don’t do anything y’all aren’t interested in.) We learned that on Monday from #2’s proverb. :D

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:16

        Oh, they’ll be changes in the new year. Many wicked, wicked changes. Maybe even to the professor’s property–if I decide to buy turtles.

      • 75 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 19, 2013 at 18:14

        Wicked changes… :( I thought I was making progress.

        They chew slowly..so there’s time.
        :lol:

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:31

        Or sweet, if you prefer.

        :lol: :lol:

      • 77 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 20, 2013 at 01:33

        I think we’ve covered that I prefer sweet. Our versions of sweet are vastly different but it is true I prefer sweet to wicked.

        I made you laugh again! What would you do without Audith?!

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2013 at 13:38

        (It’s really the same thing.)

        Lose a lot of fun!!! :D

      • 79 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 20, 2013 at 18:51

        (Okay, for you, maybe but I see it differently.)

        Yes and we wouldn’t want that now would we…

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2013 at 20:36

        Not at all, madam.

      • 81 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 20, 2013 at 20:58

        :D Good

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2013 at 14:58

        :)

  14. 83 Susan P December 18, 2013 at 14:32

    Not enough information. Is it a tortoise from the Galapagos Islands?
    Good heavens, man, how can one discern an answer without all of the pertinent facts?

    • 84 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:46

      I agree. But Mr. R didn’t give any info. And how’s this professor supposed to know?

      • 85 Susan P December 19, 2013 at 02:18

        Shake it out of him for pete’s sake.

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:40

        I’d have to be in the Hector mood for that.

      • 87 Susan P December 19, 2013 at 15:04

        Excuses, excuses. Sheesh.

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:10

        But they’re true excuses.

      • 89 Susan P December 19, 2013 at 16:52

        Hmmph

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:27

        :P

  15. 91 weggieboy December 18, 2013 at 14:19

    In Seattle, they have a banana slug festival where they race banana slugs. I suspect a tortoise-banana slug challenge would be great fun!

    • 92 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:46

      :lol: It sounds like fun!

  16. 93 FictionFan December 18, 2013 at 13:59

    (Loving the new singing Salami!)

    Mr Ratherquite is very mistaken – Tom is not a tortoise name. I suspect it’s a kitten, and I reckon it won’t be happy about being kept in a cage. It’ll do Mr R good to have to chase it round the house though – he sounds like he needs the exercise…

    • 94 portergirl December 18, 2013 at 14:08

      I think you might be right. I think The Ladies would prefer a kitten.

      • 95 FictionFan December 18, 2013 at 14:22

        Certainly more cuddly!

      • 96 Susan P December 18, 2013 at 14:33

        I don’t know about a kitten. Kittens are the mischief, you know.

      • 97 portergirl December 18, 2013 at 14:35

        The Ladies are a mischief! They would get on very well. It would serve Mr R right :)

      • 98 Susan P December 18, 2013 at 14:50

        They would get on, all right…on my nerves.

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:49

        :lol:

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:47

        That’s even truer, Portergirl.

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:47

        That’s true, Susan.

      • 102 Susan P December 19, 2013 at 02:19

        But mischief is fun if its name is kitten.

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:40

        Sometimes kittens need beatings.

      • 104 Susan P December 19, 2013 at 15:05

        Professor!!!! I am shocked and disappointed. What in Punchy Land could a kitten do to deserve a beating????

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 16:10

        Be naughty, wicked, and mean?

      • 106 Susan P December 19, 2013 at 16:52

        You talking about Sylvester?

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 23:27

        The Punchy?

      • 108 deanthefish December 18, 2013 at 17:33

        I’m sure they’d prefer a fish.

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:44

        That’s a good point, Portergirl. I do wonder if Mr. R bought the turtle for the ladies, and how they’ll receive the gift.

      • 110 portergirl December 19, 2013 at 13:22

        I thought it was a tortoise? Personally, I think it is a lovely gift. Not sure The Ladies would agree, though

      • 111 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2013 at 14:48

        Oh yes, it was! Apologies…. Yes, I bet they won’t.

    • 112 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2013 at 21:43

      ( :lol: ) You’ll love Friday, then.

      You know, FEF, you’re quite right. Tom isn’t a suitable name at all. But, is Mr. R dull enough to mistake a tortoise for a kitten? Perhaps we should give Mr. R some good tortoise names.

      He’s not that fat, just pudgy.


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