Schwarz & Napoleon

Schwarz looked across the long table at the emperor.

He was quite lucky to have been invited to dinner—quite lucky indeed.

“So, hey, way down there!” Schwarz finally said, when the silence had gotten to him.

Napoleon laughed indolently. “You may be wondering why I invited you to my palace to dine with me for this very important meal?”

Schwarz shook his head. “Actually, never did cross my mind. No, no!”

The emperor jumped up abruptly. “Vhat? Are you serious, man?”

“I came,” Schwarz replied, “because I thought: I had to do!”

“Haha. Well, Schwarz, I’ll tell you why I invited you.”

Napoleon leaned on the table. “You do know, don’t you, that Smiles Riot has escaped from Crackjaw—the asylum in America?”

Schwarz shrugged. “Maybe I heard.”

“Maybe?!” Napoleon asked angrily. “Just maybe?”

“Okay, maybe…double maybe!”

Napoleon sat back in his chair, frustrated. “Listen, are you going to help or not?”

“Help with what?” Schwarz asked.

“Ma foi! Mr. Magi is hunting Smiles, and I do not want him to be caught!”

“Why?”

“Because Smiles is a great friend.”

“Oh, I know!” Schwarz said. “You want the music box that he stole from Fats Henry!”

[Schwarz is referring to this story: Fats Henry’s Party.]

“See?” Schwarz continued. “Schwarz knows things. Did you know they call me Schwarzy now?”

“Well, well!” Napoleon tapped his foot angrily. “That’s not true! Forget I told you anything. Forget I invited you. Leave now.”

“You know,” Schwarz said, “this is weird. I haven’t even got my dinner yet. Don’t I get dinner?”

“Oh. Of course. Ma foi!”

“That’s so weird you say that.”

“Vhat should I say?” Napoleon huffed.

“Chickit. Oh yeah!”

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156 Responses to “Schwarz & Napoleon”


  1. 1 Hazy January 24, 2014 at 08:44

    Ha! I’m even more curious now about the content of that music box. Everyone wants it. I kinda want it now too… See? I do think It’s the competitive streak in people that makes them want to have it! :lol:

    I I love Schwarzy’s double maybe. I’ll say double maybe when I answer people now if I’m sure or not too sure.

    Chickit. Oh yeah!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 15:02

      :lol: You know, Hazy, the professor agrees with you completely! I do wonder what’s in it meself!

      Haha, yes, that was quite bright of Schwarz, I think! :)

  2. 3 Anja January 23, 2014 at 22:54

    Mr Riot must have some sort of reputation that even Napoleon knows about him.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:58

      I think he does, Anja! But, sadly, Nappy doesn’t think of him as a hero–like this professor does.

      • 5 Anja January 24, 2014 at 18:14

        Napoleon does have a lot of issues though

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:27

        Like what, would you say?

      • 7 Anja January 25, 2014 at 00:33

        Ego issues…short man syndrome….

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2014 at 23:08

        :lol: Which he has no reason to have!

      • 9 Anja January 26, 2014 at 00:39

        well…..

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 13:47

        Well…?

      • 11 Anja January 27, 2014 at 18:28

        Yes?

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 20:08

        Well, he shouldn’t have been bothered by it.

      • 13 Anja January 27, 2014 at 23:08

        It bothers me?

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2014 at 14:24

        Does it?

      • 15 Anja January 28, 2014 at 14:26

        I’m not a big fan of his.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2014 at 14:30

        (He’s better in the PL.) And why not? The professor actually likes him.

      • 17 Anja January 28, 2014 at 14:48

        Don’t know…..just not someone I liked

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2014 at 18:15

        He’s feisty!

      • 19 Anja January 28, 2014 at 22:22

        I typically like feisty

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2014 at 01:17

        The professor is, you know.

      • 21 Anja January 29, 2014 at 01:18

        hahaha Yes but I don’t mind your kind of feisty

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2014 at 01:19

        :D You’re in charge of my feisty mind.

      • 23 Anja January 29, 2014 at 01:21

        Kind of frightening isn’t it

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2014 at 19:03

        Well…

      • 25 Anja January 29, 2014 at 19:23

        Well?

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 00:51

        I’m not sure what to say.

      • 27 Anja January 30, 2014 at 00:53

        so do we awkwardly stare at each other?

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 01:05

        Never an awkward moment with the professor. You could teach me how to dance the professor jingle.

      • 29 Anja January 30, 2014 at 01:05

        Would be happy to

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 01:10

        It’d be so unprofessorish!

      • 31 Anja January 30, 2014 at 01:14

        But lots of fun

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 14:15

        And rather scary

      • 33 Anja January 30, 2014 at 14:16

        Nothing to be scared of….really

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 14:21

        It’s ladyish!

      • 35 Anja January 30, 2014 at 14:34

        No…quite the opposite. I feel we had this conversation already

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 21:08

        But that’s what the ladies say. The men say something different.

      • 37 Anja January 30, 2014 at 21:13

        The men without ladies

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2014 at 21:24

        That’s how Darby felt.

      • 39 Anja January 30, 2014 at 21:41

        This is not about Darby

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke January 31, 2014 at 15:55

        Nothing’s about Darby actually.

      • 41 Anja January 31, 2014 at 16:42

        You brought him up.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke January 31, 2014 at 18:52

        I thought you did?

      • 43 Anja January 31, 2014 at 21:58

        I never brought up Darby. It was you and the dancing.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2014 at 00:14

        Darby’s overrated.

      • 45 Anja February 1, 2014 at 00:16

        I think you really love Darby…it shows in the way you talk about him constantly.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2014 at 00:21

        Love? :shock: I’d take off his leg with one swipe!

      • 47 Anja February 1, 2014 at 00:23

        Reminds me when a little girl likes a little boy and hits him all the time.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2014 at 00:26

        Yes, but Darby isn’t a little girl.

      • 49 Anja February 1, 2014 at 00:32

        So?

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2014 at 23:43

        What can I say?

  3. 51 L. Marie January 23, 2014 at 15:01

    Will Schwarz search for Smiles Riot? I hope so!

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:15

      Do you think Schwarz will find him? I bet he has a great chance.

  4. 53 Shakti Ghosal January 23, 2014 at 11:12

    Clearly you possess the knack of writing in a lighter vein though the context of this post escapes me.

    Thanks

    Shakti

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:13

      The professor is willing to explain anything that seems confusing, if you’d like.

  5. 55 xoxosanaz90210 January 23, 2014 at 05:01

    Haha…liked the end “Chickit”!! What does it mean??

    • 56 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:12

      It’s just a Punchy exclamation that Schwarz likes to use. You should use it too! Like…Chickit, I’m cranky! Or…just use it as is. :)

      • 57 xoxosanaz90210 January 24, 2014 at 04:09

        Schwarz is strangely very innovative.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:59

        And sweet?

      • 59 xoxosanaz90210 January 24, 2014 at 19:26

        I don’t know, maybe. Right now, he seems confused to be at the dinner.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:33

        I think so, too.

  6. 61 Bethy January 23, 2014 at 02:15

    Haha! I think Schwarz is so amusing. And he got a free dinner out of it! Chickit! Now someone else wants the music box…wowawee!

    • 62 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:11

      It seems everyone wants it. Did you feel bad for Schwarz or Nappy?

      • 63 Bethy January 24, 2014 at 19:16

        I don’t feel bad for either one. Schwarz got exactly what he wanted –a free dinner– and seems obliviously of anything else…and Nappy should have known better to ask an American for something without having a lot more then a free dinner to offer!

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:31

        :lol: You do have a point. Schwarz did get the better part of the deal.

  7. 65 ladycheetah7 January 23, 2014 at 01:19

    The Napoleon I read about (in a fiction novel of course) had a little bit more spunk. Perhaps this one is nearing retirement because he sure let Schwarz off the hook.

    • 66 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:07

      What do you suppose he should of done? Remember, he is a Punchy Napoleon. I’m sure the guillotine flitted across his mind.

      • 67 ladycheetah7 January 23, 2014 at 17:39

        Well now that you put it that way it makes sense.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:41

        I hate the guillotine.

  8. 69 Sonya Solomonovich January 22, 2014 at 19:48

    Now this is getting exciting! Who will catch Smiles Riot… will it be Schwarzy or Mark Malone? Perhaps Smiles will outwit them both — in Schwarz’s case, it shouldn’t be too hard!

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:17

      Do you think the professor stands a chance to get him?

      • 71 Sonya Solomonovich January 25, 2014 at 23:25

        Oh yes, chickit!

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 13:46

        Thank you!

  9. 73 bardictale January 22, 2014 at 19:04

    Smiles Riot sure has friends in high places.

    • 74 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:17

      What do you think of him?

      • 75 bardictale January 23, 2014 at 04:28

        Of Smiles? Why, nothing! I haven’t met him, have I?

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:12

        But you’ve heard of him.

      • 77 bardictale January 23, 2014 at 17:32

        To judge a man only by what you’ve heard, means to judge unjustly and to follow the herd.

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:40

        The professor likes that lots! Is it yours?

      • 79 bardictale January 25, 2014 at 18:03

        Affirmative, but it’s inspired by how I was raised

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2014 at 23:24

        Well, great saying there, Bard!

      • 81 bardictale January 26, 2014 at 04:45

        Thank you sir.

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 13:52

        Absolutely.

  10. 83 Painting Pundit January 22, 2014 at 17:06

    Chickit! Ma foi! Music Boxes! What is the world coming to? Smiles is stirring up trouble all over! Oh yeah!

    • 84 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:17

      :lol: He sure is! Do you think he’s good or bad?

  11. 85 portergirl January 22, 2014 at 16:28

    I just knew that music box would cause problems. They always do.

    • 86 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:12

      They sure do. The Dean would take care of this.

      • 87 portergirl January 22, 2014 at 21:16

        Ha! He would. In a second. The Dean has no patience in these matters

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:18

        :lol: I could tell. But he likes me! :D

      • 89 portergirl January 23, 2014 at 15:56

        He certainly does. The Dean is very particular about his friends, you obviously made quite an impression!

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:16

        And the professor is honored!

  12. 91 FictionFan January 22, 2014 at 15:38

    :lol: Chickit! Oh yeah! I don’t know why the Professor is always trying to imply that my Schwarzy is intellectually challenged – he ran rings round that French fool! Ma foi! Nappy was totally gardoobled! Please give Schwarzy my congratulilolations! (Isn’t he just cute and adorable?)

    • 92 Susan P January 22, 2014 at 16:21

      Apparently, the Professor is out chasing down Smiles. At least he is out of the PL according to his tag. Not wanting to face the music perhaps.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:12

        I wouldn’t do that. He’s my hero. Like Hector. Like Bourne. Like…

      • 94 Susan P January 23, 2014 at 02:12

        Like Bilbo?

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:09

        Oh dear no. He’s too furry about the head and feet.

      • 96 Susan P January 23, 2014 at 18:52

        Gandalf, then?

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:45

        Oh dear no! Maybe Aragorn…

      • 98 Susan P January 24, 2014 at 14:49

        I used to use Galadriel on message boards. My favorite character connected to LOTR is Sam Gamgee.

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 15:09

        Oh…the professor like Sam, too. I don’t think Frodo would have ever made it if it wasn’t for that fellow. Did you see the movies?

      • 100 Susan P January 24, 2014 at 15:10

        Yes, I did. I like the books better, though (almost always feel that way). Except for all of the war stuff in the second volume. I got through it twice and then decided “I ain’t gonna war no more…”

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 15:18

        Oh, but the professor loves the wars!

      • 102 Susan P January 24, 2014 at 15:24

        You can love them for me then. I like the characters.

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 16:21

        Yes, so do I. :)

    • 104 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:09

      I do not, but…did that conversation really make you see his brilliance? I don’t know. What? You don’t like Nappy? :shock:

      :lol: Excellent use of Punchy Argot, FEF. The professor is most proud of you–all the sudden.

      (Schwarz? Beep, no.)

      • 105 FictionFan January 23, 2014 at 01:01

        Oh yes – the way Schwarzy cut straight through Nappy’s waffling – and managed to get a free meal without agreeing to do what Nappy wanted? The man’s so smart. And then trying to help Nappy speak properly…well, I know how hard it can be just to get some people to use an occasional ‘u’, so you have to admire him for that!

        Do you mean the Professor isn’t always proud of me? Huff-hum, sir!!

        (Don’t be so jealous – C-W-W is C&A too.)

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:02

        I’ll admit, Schwarz was in rare form. But that’s all. The professor will never use too many ‘u’s.

        Oh yes, always. Just especially this time. :)

        (The professor isn’t the jealous type.)

      • 107 FictionFan January 23, 2014 at 21:52

        So grudging…

        Smooth, very smooth…

        (Oh, sorry, I must have been confusing you with Mic then…)

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:53

        The professor is smoother than jelly.

        (I don’t think you’ve ever met him.)

      • 109 FictionFan January 24, 2014 at 17:55

        Ah, but your jelly is our jam, whereas our jelly is your Jello – which for some reason makes me think of Mr R’s belly. So not very smooth… ;)

        (Then who was that strange man pretending to be him? How many people are there out there pretending to be Mic???)

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:23

        :lol: The professor’s confused…

        (Did you meet a strange man?)

      • 111 FictionFan January 25, 2014 at 03:22

        I know! ;)

        (Since I took up with the PL I feel I’ve met several strange men…and most of them seem to be the Professor…)

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2014 at 23:13

        I set myself up for that one.

        What do you mean by that???

      • 113 FictionFan January 26, 2014 at 19:35

        :D

        Oh, I’ll leave you to work that one out for yourself…

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 13:55

        No, please!!!

      • 115 FictionFan January 27, 2014 at 16:40

        Go on, plead some more! It’s fun…

      • 116 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 18:08

        Pretty professorish please!

      • 117 FictionFan January 27, 2014 at 18:52

        Yes, definitely fun!!

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 20:14

        Rats. And heifer.

      • 119 FictionFan January 27, 2014 at 23:04

        :lol:

      • 120 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2014 at 14:23

        Humph!

  13. 121 Jackie January 22, 2014 at 15:35

    My-O-My! Smiles Riot is sure an intriguing character!

    • 122 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:08

      Isn’t he? A hero! Isn’t he your hero now?

      • 123 Jackie January 22, 2014 at 21:58

        I would have to know about him to say that he’s my hero!

      • 124 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 16:56

        :lol: The professor may be a bit too hasty.

  14. 125 Susan P January 22, 2014 at 15:25

    Schwarz must be an American. We have so little time for Royalty. Especially the self-made royalty. Mr. Magi can take care of himself no doubt. Way to build suspense, Professor. :D

    • 126 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:07

      Did you feel bad for Nappy? I did a bit. But Schwarz didn’t know what he was up to, I fear. Oh, Mr. M definitely can.

      :D Thanks, Susan!

      • 127 Susan P January 23, 2014 at 02:11

        No, not a speck of feeling bad for nappy. He’s a banty rooster.

      • 128 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 17:09

        Haha. I don’t think you like Nappy, do you?

      • 129 Susan P January 23, 2014 at 18:51

        I’m not fond of dictators.

      • 130 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:45

        But I don’t think he’s a dictator…

      • 131 Susan P January 24, 2014 at 15:28

        Yipes. How would you describe a dictator?

      • 132 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 16:23

        Like King Arthur.

      • 133 Susan P January 24, 2014 at 20:42

        Really? KA is a dictator? I thought he was some mythical celtic ruler.

      • 134 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:38

        The PL’s KA is, I think.

      • 135 Susan P January 25, 2014 at 15:29

        Power always goes to people’s heads. Look at Justin Bieber – or, on second thought, don’t.

      • 136 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2014 at 23:14

        Who’s he?

      • 137 Susan P January 26, 2014 at 01:56

        He’s Miley Cyrus’ male version.

      • 138 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 13:47

        The professor is very ignorant of such things, I fear.

      • 139 Susan P January 27, 2014 at 13:58

        “Where ignorance is bliss, `tis folly to be wise,” (Thomas Gray

      • 140 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2014 at 14:17

        Nice! Really like that.

  15. 141 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 22, 2014 at 15:11

    Now wait a minute, professor. Nappy’s working against my Magi? Nappy and Smiley ( :lol: ) are friends? What will I do with this new information, professor?

    It makes me laugh how Schwarzy belittled Nappoleon. Poor Napoleon.

    Schwarzy cannot get that box. Hurry up I need to know what’s happening with Mr. Magi. You must know something! I know he’s going to make me so proud!!

    • 142 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:05

      Haha. Well…is it disheartening? Maybe you’d want what’s in the box, too.

      Yes! I felt bad for the emperor too. Do you think Schwarz was being wicked on purpose?

      Oh yes. Mr. Magi is working on it.

      • 143 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 22, 2014 at 23:06

        I’m wondering if Magi and Nappy are friends, as well. Trying to think like you gets me nowhere. I probably would, but I’m beginning to think that the music box hardly seems worth it. *smirk*

        On purpose, for sure. He’s always up to something.

        (Don’t mind me just thinking of Mr Magi.)

      • 144 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 16:57

        Are you saying the professor is crazy? Mr. Magi is more friends with Merlin, I think.

        True.

        (I won’t. I’m glad you like him.)

      • 145 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 23, 2014 at 20:02

        No not saying that at all.

      • 146 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 14:50

        But I might be.

      • 147 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 24, 2014 at 16:52

        I see, I’ll try to remember that.

      • 148 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:16

        The professor is confusing, I know.

      • 149 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 24, 2014 at 22:31

        Tis true

      • 150 Professor VJ Duke January 24, 2014 at 22:43

        I may believe it.

  16. 151 The Dancing Rider January 22, 2014 at 15:02

    Ha ha. Yes the music box…… Schwarz is priceless at the end :) .

    • 152 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 21:01

      Don’t you think he was rather mean to Nappy?

      • 153 The Dancing Rider January 22, 2014 at 21:36

        I do! I do think he was mean!

      • 154 Professor VJ Duke January 23, 2014 at 16:56

        I wonder what got under Schwarzy’s skin.

  17. 155 brockapottamus January 22, 2014 at 14:36

    I AM IN THE PUNCHY LANDS!

    • 156 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2014 at 20:58

      Welcome! And what do you think?


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Professorish Smiley:

==[:-{)=

or

==[:-{)+

Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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