I’s don’t quite remember when it all happened, but I was still a fugitive in those days. Not quite my manly self. I’s was walking down the side of the road, hitch-hiking, cause I needed a ride, when this pale blue minivan pulled over.
If I knew the driver like I know him now, I probably wouldn’t have done got in. Not to say I wouldn’t have gotten in now, because I’m manlier. But at that manly state with the knowledge I have now, I would have left.
The driver was Daddy Salami and Ruber was in the passenger seat. I said it was a minivan, but I forgot to mention the condition it was in. It was very rusty and more of a washed out blue than a pale blue. Dents and scratches were all over it.
I’s got in thanking Daddy, cause the fuzzies (police) was after me…and I’s was running from them. So I didn’t done care where I went. Daddy didn’t ask either.
He just said, “Get in, son.” And before I even closed the back sliding door, we was off. I don’t think I liked his driving skills very much at the time. They weren’t exactly refined. Daddy Salami didn’t stop for anyone or anything.
He would zoom around cars or red lights in any way necessary. Through the grass, over curbs, over median strips. It was pretty scary—cause I wasn’t as manly then.
Then I noticed that Ruber had a white fabric suit on his lap. Not the kind of suit you’s thinking of either. After a moment of staring at it, I realized that it was an angel costume.
I’s said to him, “What’s the costume for?” ‘Cause to see a big, ugly, lug like Ruber carrying an angel uniform is a bit strange.
Salami answered me. “He’s goin’ to the Christmas pageant. He’s gonna be an angel.”
Ruber didn’t say anything.
I’s said, “Ain’t he a little too old to be an angel.” The angel costume was way too small for Ruber.
“No, he ain’t.”
And that was all he said so I stopped talkin’ about it. After a little while, he pulled over at a store. He said, “I’m goin’ to get sparkles to finish Ruber’s costume. You both stay here.”
“Sure. Whatever,” Ruber said.
I just nodded.
Salami got out, taking the keys with him. Ruber and I were left alone, and then Ruber told me what was done happening.
“Listen, you’ve gotta help me. A long time ago, Dad, wanted me to go to a Christmas pageant as an angel—I was young then. But we never made it. That doesn’t matter to ‘im. He still tries to get there—year after year.”
“But it’s July.”
“He don’t care. He thinks it’s still running. It was done running years ago!”
“But he done took the keys…”
“You gotta help me, Jazzy. I can’t wear this. It’s a girls costume and it’s ten sizes too small!”
“Hey look, there’s a car over there with the keys in it. We can steal that one.”
Ruber must have been desperate. He agreed without hesitation. We got out of the car and made for the other one. I’s didn’t know how Ruber drove, so I got in the driver’s seat. He got in the passenger’s side.
A man came out of the store screaming that this was his car, but it was too late for the little dude. I started the engine and drove out of the parking lot. The last thing I saw in my mirror, was Daddy Salami coming out of the store carrying a bag.
He dropped it and stared after us.
I thought we was free. But I was wrong.
Moments later, the pale blue minivan was right behind us—he was coming at a ridiculous speed. We had a car, so I’s thought we had an advantage. But I underestimated Salami’s driving.
I floored the gas as I weaved in and out of traffic (I’s a manly driver, cause you know I was a policeman…), but Salami was gaining on us. A long chase ensued and soon Daddy Salami was right next to us, banging into the side of our car.
He was calling out, “Ruber! Get back here!”
I’s suddenly had a bright idea. A manly idea. I rode over the median strip and spun the car around, so that I was going with the oncoming traffic. It was manly.
Salami tried the same maneuver…but unfortunately for him, a tractor-trailer was coming too fast. It slammed into his side and destroyed his van.
We escaped. Or so I thought. Later in the day, Daddy Salami would catch up with us—and it wasn’t very pretty. But that’s the story for now little guys and gals. The saga continues for quite some time… :}