On How Mark Malone and I Did It

…going after Frankie S. and Smiles Riot

“We’ll have to use force when we catch up with them.”

Mark Malone seemed sure.

“Perhaps not,” this professor said. “For instance, they might surrender.”

Mark Malone lowered his sunglasses and his bright blue eyes nearly blinded me. (I was able to shield myself in time, don’t worry.)

“P.VJ,” he said, “how many times have you done a thing like this?”

“Like what?”

“How many times have you gone after…criminals?”

The professor laughed. “Umm…maybe this might be the first. Maybe. Might.”

He nodded. “You should leave the figuring to me. I was trained to do this.”

“No you weren’t, cur!” a voice broke in.

It was Daddy Salami who came skipping up to us.

“Both of you don’t know what it’s like, ‘cause you’re curs and half. But I…” Salami paused there briefly. “…I know full well.”

“And why would you know anything at all on the matter?” Mark Malone asked.

“Because I trained me Ruber, didn’t I?”

The professor sighed.

Salami turned on me. “Shut-up, turtle-trout! And ya too, Marky. Nobody likes agents who think they know more than Daddy Salami.”

Salami broke off laughing.

“Let’s go, then,” Mark Malone said. But I don’t think he was pleased with the situation.

“We’ll go when I say,” Salami said. “Okay, let’s go.”

We all loaded into Salami’s pale blue minivan, only because he refused to ride in Mark Malone’s neatio agent car. The professor was disappointed, I admit—but not freely.

 

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[Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com]

Daddy Salami is a bad driver.

Very bad.

I won’t go into the specifics. But he doesn’t listen to the rules of the road.

And he laughs—a lot.

The car stopped ten minutes later—outside of Ruber’s Catering.

“Let’s get a bite to eat,” Salami suggested.

“Speed is everything,” Malone said. “We can’t stop.”

“How about you, P.VJ?” Salami asked.

“I think I’m going home,” I answered.

Salami grew angry. “I’m surround by curs!”

And that’s when we heard it on the radio.

It was something about Frankie S. and Smiles Riot being taken into custody.

We were too late.

They were already caught.

There was complete silence in the car.

“Someone just cooked our trouts,” Salami observed.

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We all went home.

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145 Responses to “On How Mark Malone and I Did It”


  1. 1 erinkenobi2893 June 6, 2014 at 12:50

    I blame Daddy Salami for making you all late. Oh, and I hope someone pulls him over soon. :-P

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2014 at 13:53

      Would you pull him over?

      • 3 erinkenobi2893 June 6, 2014 at 14:04

        Unfortunately, I’m not authorized to do so. :-/ I’m not a police officer, and Jedi are not supposed to take care of traffic infractions. :-S

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke June 8, 2014 at 14:53

        Oh, I’m sure Obi-Wan wouldn’t mind.

      • 5 erinkenobi2893 June 9, 2014 at 15:45

        I also don’t have the necessary paperwork. :-/

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2014 at 20:52

        Oh, paperwork is such dadblamery!

      • 7 erinkenobi2893 June 9, 2014 at 21:24

        It is. *makes THE FACE OF DEATH*

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke June 10, 2014 at 13:25

        Haha! Wish I could really see it.

      • 9 erinkenobi2893 June 10, 2014 at 20:47

        x_x
        It looks like that, only a lot more scowly. Maybe if I could find a down carrot and add that…? :-P

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke June 11, 2014 at 12:52

        Oh, that’s a rather coolio face… I might need to steal it…

      • 11 erinkenobi2893 June 11, 2014 at 13:04

        X-D You’re free to have it, it’s not copyrighted. :-P

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke June 11, 2014 at 13:11

        Many thanks! I do appreciate it.

      • 13 erinkenobi2893 June 11, 2014 at 23:19

        X-D

  2. 14 The Dancing Rider June 5, 2014 at 13:47

    HA ha! Well, guess you three can have some fish then!!!!!! Smirk!

    • 15 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:30

      Yes! *growls* Rather horrid, wasn’t it? Not much of an adventure, I fear.

  3. 16 Hazy June 5, 2014 at 13:21

    “’cause you’re curs and a half” – hahaha DS is at it again. Um, so who could be the cur and who could be the half?

    Oh, man! I was really looking forward to you and Malone’s adventure going all secret agent spy stuff. *mumble* Curse you DS. *mumble*

    So what kind of shenaningans did Smiles and Frankie do to be taken to custody? Was it a robbery, as the professor suspected?

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:29

      Very good point. Well…oh dear. What do you suppose?

      We should pop him off. Get Weatherly to do it, actually.

      They’re were actually disrupting traffic. How dreadfully boring, huh?

      • 18 Hazy June 9, 2014 at 11:55

        I think he’s referring to most probably Malone (but don’t tell him I said that! ssshhhh)

        Haha. I think Weatherly would find him too easy a target (he says he likes a challenge)

        What on togoggin were they doing to disrupt traffic?

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2014 at 13:39

        Oh, that’s a relief. Many thanks. *smiles bigly*

        Hahahaha! Weatherly is such a warrior!!!

        Lovely PA! They were trying to cross the street. I know, it’s horrible for villains.

      • 20 Hazy June 10, 2014 at 12:02

        My pleasure! *smiles bigly back*

        Indeed! He is getting a bit bored here.

        I can only imagine how they were trying to cross the street. *laughs* Where were they attempting to go?

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke June 10, 2014 at 13:51

        Well, does he have any missions coming up?

        To a dollar store or something like that! How horrid for them.

      • 22 Hazy June 12, 2014 at 13:50

        He did go on one overseas but he’s been too lazy to write about it. I should nag him a bit, don’t you think?

        Together? What were they going to buy?

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke June 12, 2014 at 14:28

        Yes! Make him write about it–now!

        I think pool rafts!

      • 24 Hazy June 13, 2014 at 12:21

        I will! He’s had a several adventures abroad, he’s just been too lazy to talk about it.

        Oh, dear. What were they going to do with pool rafts?

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke June 13, 2014 at 17:08

        Weatherly can be wicked!

        I don’t know. Maybe swimming? I know it’s strange.

      • 26 Hazy June 17, 2014 at 12:02

        He can be! And very stubborn.

        Swimming with a raft… seems fun!

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke June 17, 2014 at 13:01

        Stubborn… *laughs*

        As long as you don’t sink!

  4. 28 Bethy June 4, 2014 at 14:10

    The first time you went after criminals and you still didn’t catch anything. “Jazzy Couldren Laughed!”

    • 29 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 18:39

      *laughing lots* Perfect use! I know… what’s that say about me?

      • 30 Bethy June 5, 2014 at 10:35

        That you need more practice! Then I get to read more interesting and amusing stories!

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:22

        Yes, I fear the professor makes a very bad warrior. *hangs head* At least, I have a katana, though.

      • 32 Bethy June 9, 2014 at 10:33

        You can’t be wowawee-ie at everything now!

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2014 at 13:31

        And why not, dadblameit!

  5. 34 L. Marie June 4, 2014 at 12:47

    I’m surprised Daddy Salami drives a pale blue minivan like a soccer dad! :-) That makes me smile. But how disappointing that you couldn’t apprehend the felons.

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 12:49

      I know! It’s a wonder that he does. And he drives it fast! Yes, the professor will have to break Smiles out of jail now…

  6. 36 Debbie June 3, 2014 at 18:33

    You know, Professor, it was probably a GOOD THING that the authorities caught Frankie and Smiles before y’all did. I mean, why not let the “experts” do their job, rather than aligning yourself with amateurs and taking a chance on getting hurt? (Or worse?!)

    • 37 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:48

      *laughing lots* Dadblameit, Debbie! Don’t you have a little faith in the professor? I think I probably would have released Smiles. You know, he’s my cousin or nephew. I forget which on. I’m not sure of the difference.

  7. 38 Angeline M June 3, 2014 at 17:58

    Turtle-trout!!! Hehehaha
    I love Daddy Salami.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:47

      He does come up with the best sayings. Will you use it, do you think?

      • 40 Angeline M June 3, 2014 at 19:24

        I can’t wait for the opportunity! That and cur-noodle :)

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 12:41

        *laughing* That would be real fun, I’ll bet!

  8. 42 Simply Skeptical June 3, 2014 at 17:52

    How does someone as sweet and sensible as the Professor put up with all this dysfunction? It must be punchaliciously exasperating. Nip it in the bud, nip it, nip it, nip it, dadblameit!

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:47

      *laughing* But I’m wicked, I tell you! Do you really think sensible?

  9. 44 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 3, 2014 at 17:34

    “Perhaps not,” this professor said. “For instance, they might surrender.”

    *laughs* You’re always so positive, Duke! And I like the word turtle-trout!!

    You are all truly something, you know. Now what will you do? Are you going to visit your cousin in the slammer?

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:46

      Wish I came up with the word! Yes, the professor is an optimist. Did you know that?

      But how come? I’m truly a professorish professor, that is true. (I’m going to break him out!)

      • 46 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 3, 2014 at 19:33

        Too bad you didn’t, Duke. I suspected as much.

        No idea. Umm, yep. (How exciting of you…)

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 12:44

        *kicks the dirt*

        You’re displeased with me…

      • 48 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 4, 2014 at 17:05

        *look at me* I’m sorry. You always impress me. (When I was replying I was still thinking about the odd email. Felt like eyes were on me…)

        No, I’m not… I think you breaking him out sounds like a perfect plan for you and your boy. *smiles*

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 18:43

        No problem! (Yes, that’s a wonder. Makes the professor seem even more wicked, huh? I’d tell you before I did something like that.)

        But I don’t know. Jail is a creepy place.

      • 50 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 4, 2014 at 20:10

        ( I figured you would, if I’m right about who you are, as a man.)

        I’ve never been to a jail. I bet it is… *thinking about the time we went to jail* *giggle* That was a funny little feed…

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:08

        (I would! And thanks. *smiles bigly*)

        Me neither! Well, in the PL I–we–have.

      • 52 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 5, 2014 at 15:48

        *smiles*

        Yes, and now Smiley is there… *giggle*

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 19:39

        Well, I bet it’s rather horrid for him, you know!

      • 54 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 6, 2014 at 00:12

        Then go get him, Duke!!! *hands you the bolt cutters*

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2014 at 13:45

        *runs away in a hurry*

      • 56 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 6, 2014 at 14:31

        *knows she can’t come along but quickly puts on her invisibility cloak and hurries along with you*

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke June 8, 2014 at 14:57

        Ooo, where’d you get one of those?

      • 58 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 9, 2014 at 04:04

        Target *laughs*

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2014 at 13:24

        Get me one, please!

      • 60 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 9, 2014 at 14:01

        Then we wouldn’t see each other at all… what would we do?

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2014 at 20:42

        That’d be kinda neatio…

      • 62 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 10, 2014 at 00:44

        It would…? I guess that’s actually like it is already, so yeah, okay, neatio…

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke June 10, 2014 at 13:39

        I mean, I think it would be.

      • 64 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 10, 2014 at 14:42

        I could go anywhere I wanted, and you could investigate without being seen.

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke June 10, 2014 at 18:41

        Yes, and you could rob rather well.

      • 66 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 10, 2014 at 20:51

        I could? What would I rob, Duketh?

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke June 11, 2014 at 12:55

        Gold and gems and such.

      • 68 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 11, 2014 at 14:11

        I don’t need those things.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke June 11, 2014 at 21:14

        Well, then, I’ll take them from you, if you don’t mind, that is.

      • 70 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 12, 2014 at 03:11

        You’re welcome to them, but I won’t rob someone for you. I will however take your wallet and go purchase the gems for you, if you don’t have the time…

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke June 12, 2014 at 14:08

        Well, that’s not Robin Hoodish of you!

      • 72 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 12, 2014 at 18:30

        I know… *grabs her cloak and heads home* I’m horrible at stealing.

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke June 12, 2014 at 22:47

        Me too. So, let’s do something else!

      • 74 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 13, 2014 at 02:56

        Okay! Wanna go white water rafting?

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke June 13, 2014 at 17:00

        Sure! Never have.

      • 76 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 14, 2014 at 02:51

        Okay! Me either… Have you heard of the comedian, John Pinette? He has this bit on white water rafting that is hysterical.

        I think it looks like fun, but a little scary.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke June 15, 2014 at 18:33

        I have not! I love comedians. Should I look it up?

        Very scary, but most adventures are.

      • 78 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 16, 2014 at 03:27

        If you want…just sharing a funny story. I love comedians, too. So much…

        Yes, planning a few today had me feeling a little too girly. I had to say no to white water rafting today. No one here has gone and I think it is important to go with someone who has gone before. Don’t you?

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke June 16, 2014 at 16:47

        Yes, yes, for sure.

        Well…no! It’d be funner to go when you know you’re going to wreck.

      • 80 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 17, 2014 at 03:13

        I’m not so sure…what if I fall in, Duke? Funner?? *shoot me*

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke June 17, 2014 at 12:55

        Why do you want shot? Well…you wouldn’t fall over! Would you be wearing a life vest?

      • 82 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 17, 2014 at 16:13

        Your language, my dear. *laughs*

        How do you know? Colorado waters are mighty. Yes, I would…maybe even two.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke June 17, 2014 at 17:48

        My language is professorish, you know.

        Well, I’d throw a line to you, or jump in.

      • 84 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 17, 2014 at 20:47

        I know. I like it.

        Throw me a line?! You better jump in… *laughing*

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke June 18, 2014 at 12:42

        What’s wrong with a line, dadblameit!?

      • 86 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 18, 2014 at 16:48

        Well isn’t it more heroic for you to jump in after me? I mean from a lady’s stand point it seems to be..

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke June 18, 2014 at 17:19

        Yes, you’re right. But I can’t let on that I’d do that, ’cause then you’d jump in on purpose.

      • 88 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 18, 2014 at 19:20

        No I wouldn’t! !! As if!

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke June 19, 2014 at 01:07

        Well, maybe I was wrong…

      • 90 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 19, 2014 at 04:40

        I wouldn’t jump in on purpose where we were in danger, probably.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke June 19, 2014 at 12:51

        Well, that’s a good sign!

      • 92 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister June 19, 2014 at 16:50

        Yes it is.

  10. 93 weggieboy June 3, 2014 at 16:57

    Daddy Salami drives like the vehicle is a weapon, of course. I can just hear his chortle as he scares the bejesus out of people inside and outside the car.

    Look out! There he is again…! Oh the humanity!

    • 94 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:43

      Yes, that’s it! A weapon. And it shows–on the car, I mean.

      *laughing*

  11. 95 Julie Harris June 3, 2014 at 16:38

    This one was action packed!! Glad the Professor didn’t really go blind, lol!

    • 96 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:40

      Yes, that would have been horrid! I’ve never seen eyes like that, you know. Best to wear glasses around him, don’t you think?

  12. 97 InfiniteZip June 3, 2014 at 15:47

    She chuckles picturing a skipping salami and ponders what a neatio car would resemble?

    • 98 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:40

      Well…neatio…in the professor’s words. Maybe red? Do you think?

      • 99 InfiniteZip June 3, 2014 at 20:18

        Purple?

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 12:47

        But is that a professorish color?

      • 101 InfiniteZip June 4, 2014 at 13:01

        It is kingly:)

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 13:17

        But…isn’t it a girl’s color?

  13. 103 Susan P June 3, 2014 at 14:12

    “Someone just cooked our trout.” DS definitely has a good grasp on the obvious. Was it baked or fried?

    • 104 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:39

      I think it might be boiled. How does that measure up, do you say?

      • 105 Susan P June 3, 2014 at 19:46

        It doesn’t. What I want is pasteis de bacalhau.

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 12:46

        *blinks thrice* What’s that dadblamery?

      • 107 Susan P June 4, 2014 at 21:17

        It is a Portuguese delicacy made of reconstituted dried cod fish mixed with garlic, mashed potatoes and I forget what all else.

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:13

        Oh, no fish. But I like the lemon tea.

      • 109 Susan P June 5, 2014 at 15:38

        Alas. Fish, I’ve been told, are brain food.

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 19:37

        Then let the brains eat them, I say.

      • 111 Susan P June 5, 2014 at 22:04

        I fed my daughter brains when she was a baby.

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2014 at 13:43

        Fish brains?

      • 113 Susan P June 10, 2014 at 00:34

        Lamb brains. In scrambled eggs and soup.

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke June 10, 2014 at 13:39

        Oh dear…

      • 115 Susan P June 10, 2014 at 21:03

        What is wrong with lamb brains?

      • 116 Professor VJ Duke June 11, 2014 at 13:02

        They’re a bit gray!

      • 117 Susan P June 11, 2014 at 13:19

        Not really. And you’d never know they were in your food because they don’t have any flavor.

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke June 11, 2014 at 21:08

        But I bet they’re high in protein.

      • 119 Susan P June 12, 2014 at 00:24

        They are that. And a lot of fat – the good kind. Low carbs.

      • 120 Professor VJ Duke June 12, 2014 at 13:57

        All that carb stuff confuses me, I fear.

      • 121 Susan P June 12, 2014 at 18:00

        Let’s simplify it. Eat healthy and balanced food and you will never have to worry about carbs.

      • 122 Professor VJ Duke June 12, 2014 at 22:41

        Okay, now I can grok that!

      • 123 Susan P June 13, 2014 at 01:43

        Of course. You are an intelligent professor. Nothing takes you unawares.

      • 124 Professor VJ Duke June 13, 2014 at 16:55

        Wellllllllll…

      • 125 Susan P June 13, 2014 at 18:05

        Well has a lot of water.

      • 126 Professor VJ Duke June 15, 2014 at 18:17

        Only sometimes. Sometimes it’s dry.

      • 127 Susan P June 15, 2014 at 23:57

        True. But only sometimes.

  14. 128 PorterGirl June 3, 2014 at 13:12

    This is so very brilliant! DS is always very entertaining, even though he might be a little scary to meet face to face. An excellent effort all round, I am just sorry Smiles and Frankie were aprehended. Smiles gets caught a lot, he needs some sort of evasion lessons.

    I like that you all went home at the end. Better than going to Ruber’s, probably ;)

    • 129 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:36

      Hahaha! He does need evasion lessons. I shall teach him, but I’m not sure how good I’d be at it, you know. And DS would be scary! He’d be nice, I think, if you offered him something to eat, though.

      I think so. But rumor has it that the food has improved.

      • 130 PorterGirl June 3, 2014 at 20:00

        I heard that rumour and can only hope that it is true :)

        DS sounds a little like me! Ha!

      • 131 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 12:47

        We should visit it one day.

        *laughing* And me!

      • 132 PorterGirl June 4, 2014 at 13:04

        I think we should! For a special occasion. I shall wear a nice hat :)

      • 133 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 13:17

        Ooo, that sounds fun already, Lucy!

      • 134 PorterGirl June 4, 2014 at 14:44

        Yes! I shall look forward to the day we visit Ruber’s place :D

      • 135 Professor VJ Duke June 4, 2014 at 18:40

        And have a cucumber sandwich!

      • 136 PorterGirl June 5, 2014 at 05:27

        :D Even Ruber couldn’t make a bad cucumber sandwich!

      • 137 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:20

        That means the professor can do it with ease!

      • 138 PorterGirl June 5, 2014 at 14:23

        Indeed!

      • 139 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:31

        *smiles bigly*

  15. 140 MikeW June 3, 2014 at 13:11

    Smiles Riot. What a great name. You and Chester Gould (creator of Dick Tracy) make names to remember.

    • 141 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:35

      Mike, I’m truly honored. How do you picture him from the name?

      • 142 MikeW June 5, 2014 at 00:42

        Mirthful incarnate, releasing disarming humor.

      • 143 Professor VJ Duke June 5, 2014 at 14:17

        Yes, that’s about right. And…very quiet.

  16. 144 FictionFan June 3, 2014 at 12:39

    The professor was sooo brave to sigh at the Sausage like that! *swoons* And then so sensible to refuse to eat at Ruber’s! Mark sounds just as lovely as I remember but he should have stood up to DS – going off on a dangerous law enforcement mission in a minivan just doesn’t have the James Bond ring to it…

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the fun of catching Smiles yourself though. Maybe next time!

    • 145 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2014 at 18:34

      *smiles proudly* Yes, we should have stopped DS, but one can only press his luck so far with that creature. You must always wear glasses around Mark, you know.

      It’s a pity. Now, I’ll have to break him out of jail. Isn’t that what a one would do for a cousin?


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