It was a little bit after I done first met Ruber and his daddy. Back then, all I called Ruber’s daddy, was Ruber’s dad. It only done came out later that his real name was Daddy Salami. Though…I’s actually don’t done believe that.
Anyways, it was raining—really hard. And I was wandering through the woods in England.
Don’t done ask why I was there. I was all over the place back then. I traveled pretty far on foot. (Before I had my rocket pack. You knew I had one, right?)
One reason I can think of being there is that maybe I was running from the coppers. They was the days when I ran, ‘cause I was less manly then.
As I was walking through the rain and the high weeds, I came upon a house. Or I’s guess I really shouldn’t call it a house…’cause it was kind of small…maybe you done call that a hut…
There was smoke comin’ out of it, and I done thought that maybe I could get some shelter there.
So, I knocked on the door.
I was shocked when I heard Daddy Salami’s voice say, “Come in.”
I’s had seen them more since my first run in with them, but I’s was never comfortable with them. At least not yet…‘cause I wasn’t really too manly yet…
But it was raining, so I’s went in.
Little, (really big, actually) ugly Ruber was sitting on a stole carving something that looked like it might have been a bird at one time, and Daddy Salami was sitting across from him, looking quite perturbed.
I’s said, “Hey, I’s don’t know that I wants to eat that.” Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to say.
“Shut up, cur,” was Daddy’s only reply.
I’s smiled and sat down. “I’s happy, you let me in, so I’s don’t get wet.”
There was only a silence.
I leaned back and waited.
Then suddenly, Salami straightened. “Go out and cut the grass, Ruber.”
“What?” Ruber asked, shocked.
“Go cut the grass.”
Ruber laughed. “I ain’t goin’ out there.”
“Do as you’re told, cur-sauce brains!”
“But Dad! It’s soggy outside!”
Salami laughed in frustration. “Get outside and take your friend with ya, or I’ll murder ya both!” And he tossed Ruber a pair of tweezers. “Cut the grass with them.”
I couldn’t tell by Ruber’s face that this was not a new development. He said, “Oh, whatever, eh?”
Not wanting to make the little, pudgy dude angry…you know it can be bad, I followed Ruber outside.
I’s said, “We can’t cut grass with tweezers, you know?”
“That’s why I don’t do it at all.”
“We just gonna stand in the rain?”
“Let’s go sit behind the house. We can get some shelter there.”
So we done went. And as we was sitting back there, we heard a horse come up and a man went inside the house.
Then we heard Daddy talkin’ to someone. After a moment, we could hear over the rain that they was fixin’ a price on Ruber’s head. He was talkin’ about how disrespectful Ruber was.
Daddy Salami was going to sell Ruber as a slave.
Ruber done was shocked.
Though I’s wasn’t.
He said, “What we gonna do?”
“Let’s steal the dude’s horse and go. Maybe your daddy can sell himself as a slave.”
Ruber laughed. And we went around the front and made off with the stranger’s horse and Daddy’s own horse.
That was the beginnings of a long adventure we’s done had… Or I’s done had. ‘Cause Daddy came chasing after us… and Ruber got captured in the nearest town and was thrown in jail…
And I done left him. Though I’s did come back for him later.
I’s really did.