Salami’s Christmas Play

When this professor met up with Daddy Salami it was outside of Cashew City.

“Hey, P.VJ,” he said. “Did you know we’re working on putting on a Christmas play?”

“Who is?” I asked.

“Cur! We are. Me son and me.”

“Seriously…” This professor could only imagine what that sort of play might be like.

“Yup.” Salami bounced around. He was obviously thrilled about the prospect.

“Here,” I said, “I have something to read to you…”

Salami’s green eyes glowed. “You’re changing the subject on me, noodle-trout.”

“I’m sorry…but this will put things into perspective.”

And the professor pulled out a poem from his pocket. It was a poem by Dick Hercules, in fact. It had just come in from his agent, Walt Walker.

I read:

Rice cream, shmice cream
I like Ice Cream
And if one top
A cherry goes
Kerplop!
Well then,
All the merrier
I say.
For the derriere

I stopped reading and Daddy Salami just stared at me.

“I’ve decided I hate his poetry, cur,” he said. “Read it to me again and die!”

And that’s when Schwarz Tauptinker appeared.

“Hey!” he said. “Did you guys know I’m putting on a Christmas play?

Salami’s mouth fell. “A play? Ya can’t. There can’t be any competition for me play!”

“Oh there won’t be,” Schwarz assured him. “Your play won’t be any competition for mine, chickit!”

I jumped in before things got too…well, out-of-hand.

“I’m sure,” I began, “that there’s enough days left—”

But I was cut off.

“What are you playing in your play?” Schwarz asked Salami.

“I’m the puppeteer…what are you? The frog?” Salami broke off laughing.

“No,” Schwarz replied, “I play the camel.”

And then we were joined by Ruber Salami!

“Chaps,” he said as a general greeting, then he turned to his dad. “Hey, dad, so I looked at the script you gave me for the Christmas play. I’ve made some changes.”

“Oh yeah…” Salami didn’t sound happy.

“Oh yeah,” Ruber said, laughing. “First change: I’ve added some new rules, and brought in some extra ‘actors.’ I added Schwarz here as a camel, and I cut the role of puppeteer. That part didn’t make too much sense. Oi-oi.”

“Ya cur!” Salami screamed. “Quick, P.VJ, read me that poem again so I can kill you and not my son!”

That was a shocker. And Salami was serious.

“Uhh…” I began rather unsuccessfully.

“What up, eh?” Ruber said, somewhat angry. “Quit it, dad. Don’t fear. I wrote you in again. As our poet. ‘Cause Dick Hercules couldn’t play the part.”

It got ugly then.

And there never was a Christmas play.

All because of poetry, I think. Don’t you?

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125 Responses to “Salami’s Christmas Play”


  1. 1 Hazy December 16, 2014 at 14:15

    Ah, it would have been interesting to watch DS’s play (and the modified version). I reckon you could have recorded the messy events that transpired, haha. It might have made a good Christmas mystery kind of play. Maybe?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:17

      No, no, you’re probably right. Who knows what DS had planned? He’s a rascal of the worst sort, Hazy.

      • 3 Hazy December 21, 2014 at 13:25

        I know, right? He probably has tons of crazy things hidden right up his sleeves

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2014 at 23:19

        I bet you’re absolutely right.

  2. 5 Susan P December 13, 2014 at 18:44

    *watches poor bit betting shrugged*

  3. 6 erinkenobi2893 December 10, 2014 at 15:24

    Oh, dear. Sad that there wasn’t a Christmas play… :-P I always knew that Ruber was the one who was REALLY in charge! :-P

    • 7 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:30

      Yes…he’s the organizer. Do you suppose he could become a Jedi?

      • 8 erinkenobi2893 December 10, 2014 at 16:12

        Yeah, with the right training he could.

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 20:43

        Maybe even a Sith!

      • 10 erinkenobi2893 December 11, 2014 at 02:44

        No, Ruber’s too nice to be a Sith!

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2014 at 19:17

        Aren’t I?

      • 12 erinkenobi2893 December 12, 2014 at 13:35

        I don’t know, you’re kind of an unusual Sith.

      • 13 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2014 at 18:08

        I’m how they’re supposed to be.

      • 14 erinkenobi2893 December 15, 2014 at 16:41

        The rest of them are all messed up, then.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2014 at 21:21

        And the Jedi caused it.

      • 16 erinkenobi2893 December 16, 2014 at 14:46

        No, the Jedi didn’t cause it. It was the Sith who started the war!

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:20

        It was a Jedi turned Sith who did it!

      • 18 erinkenobi2893 December 17, 2014 at 15:54

        Yeah, but then he wasn’t a Jedi any more, so it was a Sith who started the war.

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:16

        Yeah…oh rats!

      • 20 erinkenobi2893 December 18, 2014 at 14:00

        ^_^ :-P

  4. 21 Catherine December 10, 2014 at 02:28

    Oh, dear. That Christmas play would have been interesting to watch. I was looking forward to that! …but I suppose it wouldn’t have worked out too well anyway.

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:21

      Well, there will be a PL Christmas special…just not that one! That would have been too gory, Catherine.

      • 23 Catherine December 13, 2014 at 16:36

        Ohh, I see. I guess it was best that it never happened, then.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2014 at 18:12

        For the most part. Of course, I could be wrong.

  5. 25 masgautsen December 9, 2014 at 08:16

    Might be hust as well there was no play. Imagine how many potential disasters was averted by not putting th PL crowd toghter for rehersals.

    • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:36

      That’s such a good point. Could you only imagine what dadblamery would happen?

      • 27 masgautsen December 10, 2014 at 09:54

        Oh, I imagine it could turn very ugly!

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:27

        True. *shudders just thinking on it*

  6. 29 Louis from VA December 9, 2014 at 03:40

    Aww, no play. :( I wondered why that guy on the street corner was selling tickets to it for so cheap…

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:36

      Was he really? Imagine that scamp trying to get something out of it still! Did you arrest him?

      • 31 Louis from VA December 11, 2014 at 03:48

        Oh…
        I didn’t think of that.
        I mean, am I allowed to? Arrest people?

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2014 at 19:18

        Sure. As long as you act like you are able. I’m sure no one would mind too muchly much.

  7. 33 L. Marie December 9, 2014 at 03:22

    Awww. I would have liked to see this Christmas play.
    I’m glad that Daddy Salami didn’t make good on his threat to harm you though.
    All this fuss over a harmless poem.

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:35

      I know right? Poems are dangerous! There will be a Punchy Christmas special.

      • 35 L. Marie December 10, 2014 at 14:45

        Yay! Good!

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:29

        *bows*

  8. 37 Simply Skeptical December 9, 2014 at 01:47

    Noodle Trout I say! And yes where is that MM when you need him? This could have been deadly dadblameit!

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:30

      It was deadly!

  9. 39 The Lite Rider December 8, 2014 at 21:40

    Ha, ha, ha. Daddy Salami’s request for a re-read of the poem (which is spicy, I might add – the poem, not DS…) to avoid killing his son is why I like him. :/ So. Is there going to by ANY play then?! Or two or three?

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:26

      I fear not. It was cancelled after that. Things got a bit too gory to share on the blog. I mean, wasn’t DS quite angry, would you say?

      • 41 The Lite Rider December 9, 2014 at 23:09

        Yes, but then he’s always angry about something. However, I can see that no one would dare have a party! BAH!

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:09

        Will you throw one for the PL’ers?

      • 43 The Lite Rider December 10, 2014 at 19:45

        Oh my. Well, you know I might just try. And just leave them to their own devices. Bwahahahaha.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 20:53

        *laughs* Now that would be great fun.

  10. 45 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 8, 2014 at 19:53

    Now, wait a minute. I’m left feeling very confused, Duketh. Whose fault is it that we’re not having a play with an adorable frog in it? Pound them for me, please. Oh, and ice cream poetry seems appropriate for December, I think. ‘Tis 75 here today!!! Dadblameit! Doesn’t feel like feastive at all, you know.

    Kerplop is a word one doesn’t see in poetry very often, and happens to be the sign of a great poet.

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:13

      But I warned you about frogs: they’re vile beasts! 76?! Wow. It’s cooler here, much cooler. You can literally wear shorts!

      Yes, I must agree. Though, I’m not sure what it means.

      • 47 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 9, 2014 at 02:47

        *holds her ears* Vile…? What did a frog ever do to you short of croaking for you by the light of the moon by your pond? Hmm! Be nice. Yes, it is shorts weather again…* whoopies* *eye rolls*

        Means…splat.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:31

        *laughs* Be happy you can…still play with squirt guns! Frogs are horrid. I should get a pitchfork and stick them!

        Ah, you mean what happens when you hold a frog too close!

      • 49 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 9, 2014 at 21:48

        *shoots you with one* Wicked Man! You wouldn’t dare, you know! Frog kabobs?

        Duke! *slams the door* *moves blogs*

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:50

        I wouldn’t eat those! Would you?

        Why did you move your blog?

      • 51 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 9, 2014 at 22:04

        No I wouldn’t. Ever. Yuck.

        *dramatic effect, Love* I was kidding…kinda.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:08

        Me either!

        I’d still hunt you down and find you!

      • 53 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 10, 2014 at 21:19

        I think I hide pretty well, you know.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2014 at 19:06

        Yes, you do. But why do you?

      • 55 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 11, 2014 at 22:43

        I don’t know. Do you know why?

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2014 at 18:06

        Scared?

      • 57 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 13, 2014 at 19:07

        Yes, but I shan’t go into here, so stop.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2014 at 03:53

        Really? Come on!

      • 59 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 15, 2014 at 06:21

        Yes! No! *points at the cameras*

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2014 at 21:05

        Aw, who cares about them!

      • 61 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 16, 2014 at 20:18

        I do, probably.

  11. 62 Angeline M December 8, 2014 at 18:24

    Thank you for another new invective I can use, “noodle-trout”, as I go about my Christmas shopping. Won’t the shop keepers be surprised! And the people who get in my way…even more surprised. I’ll refer them all to you.

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:12

      *laughs* If you do use it, let me know! I mean, that’d be super cool.

  12. 64 InfiniteZip December 8, 2014 at 17:00

    I like poetry and plays…can’t they all just get along? And what exactly is a noodle-trout?

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:11

      Well, I’d say it was an insult of the highest degree. Wouldn’t you? Plus, people usually don’t get along, do they, Zippy?

      • 66 InfiniteZip December 8, 2014 at 21:20

        I live with unicorns and rainbows and mermaids….all kinds of peace, love and poetry to be had…no katanas or sharks though.

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:26

        Any Leprechauns?

      • 68 InfiniteZip December 10, 2014 at 10:17

        They don’t like it when I talk about them…..

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:27

        Are they mean?

      • 70 InfiniteZip December 11, 2014 at 10:11

        Only if you talk about hem….a wee bit paranoid….

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2014 at 19:19

        They’re so grumpy.

  13. 72 PorterGirl December 8, 2014 at 16:12

    Marvellous! Today’s offering really does have everything – drama, poetry, the threat of violence. Stupendous! The play sounds brilliant, it’s a shame it never went ahead. Also – where is MM these days?

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:00

      MM…yes…we’re trying to get him for the PL Christmas production. He’s about, I assure you. Have you missed him?

      • 74 PorterGirl December 9, 2014 at 08:40

        I have, rather. I was worried he might have been imprisoned or something. I hope he gets involved in the Christmas production – that would be awesome! He should be an elf. Or a shepherd.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:37

        *laughs* An elf! A short one, you know, with pointy ears!

      • 76 PorterGirl December 10, 2014 at 08:24

        Very pointy ears. And little green trousers.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:26

        And shoes! Pointy shoes!

      • 78 PorterGirl December 10, 2014 at 16:43

        Oooh yes! He will look very dashing, I would say

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 20:48

        And odd.

  14. 80 Lady Cheetah7 December 8, 2014 at 15:43

    WoW! All of that over a play. I dare say that poem was horrendous and should never be read in public again…ever.

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:00

      Not at your birthday party either?

      • 82 Lady Cheetah7 December 9, 2014 at 00:55

        Never!

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:29

        You’re really unfair about the whole thing, I must say.

  15. 84 Debbie December 8, 2014 at 15:36

    It sounds to me as if the PL’ers are experiencing STRESS over the holidays (or perhaps the site reconstruction??) and are taking it out on one another. You know, Duke — I can call you that, can’t I? — it’s not the poet’s fault. After all, everybody likes ice cream. No, there are FAR too many plays to attend at this time of year!

    • 85 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:00

      It could definitely be the site reconstruction. Good call. Yes, you absolutely can. True. You would expect that the ice cream would put everyone in better spirits. There are too many plays. It’s a wonder anyone attends, you know.

  16. 86 FictionFan December 8, 2014 at 15:34

    But is Schwarzy going to be the back of the camel or the front? I bet he can do brilliant camel impersonations (preferably from the front!). I’m not sure reading poetry (especially Mr Hercules’ poetry) at that precise moment was one of your wiser decisions…

    (Professor VJ Twinkie?! No!! OK? Just…no!!)

    • 87 PorterGirl December 8, 2014 at 16:10

      Teehee – camel impressions from the back end could be highly amusing!

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 21:00

        *laughing* You’re so bad!

    • 89 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 20:59

      Oh…I bet Ruber hasn’t even thought about that. I bet he doesn’t even know two people have to work the camel! Yes, that’s a very good point, but I felt I should. Think of it this way: DH goes through so much trouble to write a poem. The least we could do is read it, right?

      (*laughing lots* Do you know what a twinkie is?)

      • 90 FictionFan December 9, 2014 at 15:52

        Just as well he’s got my Schwarzy to help out then – Schwarzy’s so brilliant he’ll keep them all right! I think DS would make a great back end of a camel, don’t you? Well…yes…I s’pose. But there’s a time for reading poetry – and I feel that wasn’t it. It was very brave of you though…

        (*shudders* No, and I’m very afraid that it may be something too horrifying to contemplate…)

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:41

        Schwarz will be in the Christmas production if I can finish writing it. DS is the backside of a camel? I won’t tell him you said that. I’m always doing things in the most inopportune times.

        (*laughs* You don’t? That’s so funny. It’s actually a little vanilla cake-like thing.)

      • 92 FictionFan December 10, 2014 at 01:05

        Then get on with it, cur-sauce! Oh, I’m not afraid of that old Sausage – he’d look great in a sandwich! Yes, I know – I bet the PL would be a much more peaceful place if you weren’t always stirring up trouble. Please continue…

        (Well, what a silly name for a cake! But I’m relieved – it’s not quite as awful as I imagined…)

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:12

        I will, dadblameit! You’ll have it. Promise. And I only lie every so often. *laughing* DS would be so cranky to hear that…I bet he’d bite your…something off!

        (What did you imagine?)

      • 94 FictionFan December 10, 2014 at 16:39

        *gasps* You mean you were lying when you said you never lie?? Oh no, not my something! Anything but that!!

        (Can’t tell you – you’re too sweet. I don’t want to sully that pure mind…)

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 20:46

        Umm…uhh…you got me there. I’d say no. How’s that? *laughing lots* It can’t be that important!

        (Rats. I’m going to have to watch what I say with you now. Not even safe American words are safe! Funnily enough, I always think they sound dirty too.)

      • 96 FictionFan December 11, 2014 at 01:09

        Hmm…that’s very profound. *befuddled face* Well, that depends – if it’s ‘button’ possibly not, but if it’s ‘head’ then I feel that’s fairly important…

        (*chuckling* I’m sorry – I can’t help being wicked – it’s a curse! But seriously – twinkies?! It’s not my fault… )

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2014 at 19:14

        It is profound. We should take it before Shnodgrate. He’d fix it. True. Well…just well.

        *laughs* Let’s forget all about it…

      • 98 FictionFan December 12, 2014 at 17:32

        *scowls* You seem oddly relaxed at the idea of me losing my head…

        If only I could…

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2014 at 18:11

        Well, I lost my heart!

        Rats and a Heifer. Branded into thou memory?

      • 100 FictionFan December 14, 2014 at 01:16

        I suspect it’s only been temporarily mislaid…

        I fear so. Fortunately my memory wipes itself clean every two weeks or so, leaving a blank void ready to be refilled…

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2014 at 03:58

        Ajax destroyed it at Troy. No hope, you see.

        *Laughing lots* So…do you remember anything about a tree and a professor?

      • 102 FictionFan December 15, 2014 at 15:20

        Then I shall embroider you a new one, with the words ‘True’ and ‘Brave’ stitched in golden thread on ruby-red silk…

        *chortling* Yes – that one is indelibly burned into my brain…

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2014 at 21:15

        Oh…I kinda like that sound of that…it’s so cool that you do that sort of thing.

        Rats and a Heifer. Don’t ever tell anyone–ever!

      • 104 FictionFan December 16, 2014 at 01:02

        *laughs* Cool – hmm! Maybe…

        Bribe me into silence, then…

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 13:01

        It is cool! You’ll just have to accept it.

        Can’t you just agree like a nice FEF?

      • 106 FictionFan December 16, 2014 at 16:01

        OK, but I’ve never been cool before – you’ll have to teach me how…

        Oh there’s no such thing!

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:25

        I think you’ve always been. Just not aware of it.

        There is!

      • 108 FictionFan December 16, 2014 at 18:24

        Awww!

        And awww! *blushes and preens, coolly*

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:43

        *nods decidedly*

  17. 110 walt walker December 8, 2014 at 15:24

    Dear me, what a mess. And I fear it’s partly my fault.

    • 111 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 20:57

      Well, more DH’s. Have you had speaks to him about getting a job? Maybe settling down?

      • 112 walt walker December 9, 2014 at 16:32

        What?! Adventurists don’t “settle down.” It’s not in their nature! His job is to experience life and report back on it.

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:47

        I know. What should be done about it?

  18. 114 Susan P December 8, 2014 at 15:11

    Haven’t any of them watched Charlie Browns Christmas play? I’d like to see Lucy team up with them…

    • 115 Professor VJ Duke December 8, 2014 at 20:57

      Lucy and DS. How do you suppose that would end?

      • 116 Susan P December 8, 2014 at 21:51

        DS would be begging for mercy.

      • 117 Professor VJ Duke December 9, 2014 at 21:28

        *laughs* She’d probably die.

      • 118 Susan P December 10, 2014 at 02:16

        Not if she made them play football.

      • 119 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 15:20

        That would work on DS.

      • 120 Susan P December 10, 2014 at 17:06

        He would be surprised.

      • 121 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2014 at 20:51

        And very angry.

      • 122 Susan P December 10, 2014 at 22:57

        He doesn’t know from angry.

      • 123 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2014 at 19:08

        I bet he’s been happy once.

      • 124 Susan P December 11, 2014 at 20:27

        I don’t know about that.

      • 125 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2014 at 18:02

        *shrugs a bit*


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