Why Getting a Tree Can Be Scary

christmas235“Are you sure you’re tying it on right?” Schwarz Tauptinker asked.

“Sure,” was Fats Henry’s gruff reply. “How could I possibly mess something so easy up, huh?”

Schwarz shrugged. “I don’t know. I—”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Henry interrupted. “You’d mess it up—but not ME!”

Henry had pulled just one rope—well, piece of string rather—over the top of his car and across the tree. He secured the ropes by pulling them through the windows, and shutting the windows to keep it tight.

Once that business was taken care of, Schwarz and Fats got into the car, and drove off.

“It’s hot in here,” Schwarz complained.

“Then open the windows,” Henry replied. “That’s what they’re for.”

And Schwarz did.

He opened his window.

The string came loose.

The tree rocked.

“Oh no!” Henry screamed as he slammed on the brakes. “You idiot!”

“Chickit no!”

The tree flew off—and straight into Daddy Salami’s pale blue minivan.

“Ya, cur!” Salami said, jumping for his van. “Ruber and me are on the way to the Christmas Pageant so he can be an angel! And ya ripped his costume!”

“It was his fault!” Henry said, pointing savagely to Schwarz.

“Was not!” Schwarz replied. “He told me to open the window!”

“It’s okay,” Ruber said, emerging from the van. “Now I don’t have to and be an angel in that Christmas Pageant.”

“Oh yes ya do!” Salami returned. “Let’s walk!”

Fats Henry and Schwarz Tauptinker watched as Daddy Salami and his son took off down the road. Ruber was wearing his ripped angel dress, and Salami’s hair was somewhat messed up.

“Imagine doing that for Christmas,” Schwarz remarked.

“Yeah,” Henry agreed. “It would be brutal. I mean, how dumb do you have to be to have your grown son wear an angel dress for a Christmas play?”

“Pretty dumb, chickit. In the same class with the guy who uses one string to tie his tree to the top of his car.”

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114 Responses to “Why Getting a Tree Can Be Scary”


  1. 1 Julie Harris December 16, 2014 at 23:11

    Maybe they should stick with an artificial tree! Yes, we had a tree fall off our car but we were able to salvage it. Had to hide the bad side against the wall though…

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:58

      *nods* I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more. I think I would tape a tree to the roof.

  2. 3 Catherine December 16, 2014 at 22:05

    Ooh, how did Henry respond to that last comment from Schwarz? That was sneaky. (But very true)

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:57

      It was sneaky! He either huffed away or swung at Schwarz.

      • 5 Catherine December 22, 2014 at 03:56

        I rather think the second one is more likely, but for Schwarz’s sake I hope he just huffed away!

  3. 6 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 16, 2014 at 20:12

    I think I’d have loved being part of that Christmas tree mishap, Duketh. I would have laughed and laughed and laughed….oh and laughed again. I would have totally rolled that window down, as well. Something like that happening is just part of our minds being in a million places this time of year, I think. DS should cool it. Ruber is the handsomest angel again this year, I’d say.

    • 7 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:50

      *laughs* You would have opened the window on purpose? And faced DS’s wrath? You’re very brave. Do you suppose DS should stop taking Ruber? I think I do.

      • 8 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 17, 2014 at 20:52

        I might have opened it on purpose, but I fear that I would have done it without remembering the window was serving a very important role. I’m not afraid of DS. Maybe Ruber should stop talking to DS, you mean…

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:31

        But everyone is afraid of DS! His eyes, you know–creepy! Do you think Ruber and DS like each other? I’m not sure.

      • 10 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 18, 2014 at 05:11

        So you’re saying I need to be like everyone else?? *serious face* Yes, I think they love each other very much, actually.

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 20:06

        No, I’m showing you how cool you are… I think you’re right.

      • 12 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 18, 2014 at 22:56

        *blush* Not cool. Just me. I think we’re both pretty cool. I knew you liked DS…

      • 13 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 15:25

        I love DS! *laughs* I think you agree with me, then.

      • 14 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 19, 2014 at 18:23

        It’s hard not to agree with you, Duke. But I disagree about me being cool, just so we’re clear.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 22:02

        *laughs* That’s good that you do, you know.

      • 16 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 20, 2014 at 05:30

        *reflects* I’m not sure.

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2014 at 15:31

        Yes, it shouldn’t affect your self-confidence, though.

      • 18 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 20, 2014 at 18:22

        I know that’s what you meant. I was gifted with self confidence. I just need to prove it.

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2014 at 23:04

        There you are then!

      • 20 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 23, 2014 at 00:48

        Boy that sounded a bit…snotty of me.

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2014 at 19:10

        Not at all, madam.

      • 22 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 24, 2014 at 03:05

        Thanks, Duke.

  4. 23 Nancy Loderick December 16, 2014 at 19:57

    Hey Professor,

    Maybe just getting a lovely picture of a tree would be the safest. I’m thinking even if an artificial tree were in the plan, there would be some disaster waiting to happen. :)

    Nancy

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:49

      *laughs* You’re probably right, Nancy. A pic would be perfect. But then, they might burn it.

      • 25 Nancy Loderick December 17, 2014 at 18:36

        Hey Professor,

        Oh dear, a fire would not be a good thing, would it? Unless of course, they burn it in a fireplace.

        Nancy

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:23

        That’s a very good point!

  5. 27 Susan P December 16, 2014 at 19:39

    Awesome. They should just get some artificial trees and use them every year. I think I saw one of those tree removals once.

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:49

      They should, you’re right. They removed it from the house?

      • 29 Susan P December 17, 2014 at 15:39

        Just so.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:15

        Without taking the star off?

      • 31 Susan P December 18, 2014 at 11:52

        Of course not. The star is always there.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 20:15

        I lost mine, you know.

      • 33 Susan P December 18, 2014 at 22:36

        Was that Nick?

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 15:24

        I’d like to say yes, but it sorta burnt out.

      • 35 Susan P December 20, 2014 at 01:41

        Well, sometimes people would like to do something but it overbalances their time available. I’m guilty sometimes. Less as I get older, though.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2014 at 15:23

        Oh, you’re not half old!

      • 37 Susan P December 20, 2014 at 20:47

        Probably more than half.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2014 at 23:09

        *shakes head* Nuppence!

      • 39 Susan P December 22, 2014 at 13:04

        Ah, the Professor has been kissin’ the Blarney Stone.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2014 at 19:03

        Have not! I kiss nothing!

      • 41 Susan P December 23, 2014 at 20:52

        Can you prove it?

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke December 26, 2014 at 15:37

        Well, I have kissed my guitar before, ’cause I banged it on something accidentally.

      • 43 Susan P December 26, 2014 at 21:37

        I’ll accept that. Yep. :D

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke December 27, 2014 at 14:50

        Ahh, that’s great.

  6. 45 desertdweller29 December 16, 2014 at 17:49

    The pale blue minivan was asking for it. Never tailgate a tree-toting Schwarz. Chickit!

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:37

      Absolutely! Your PA is perfect. Do you like Schwarz?

  7. 47 Debbie December 16, 2014 at 15:36

    This never would have happened if Henry had thought to turn on the air conditioning rather than open a window!

    I was behind somebody moving once and they had a mattress tied atop their car. When it flew off, I did all kinds of swerving to avoid crashing into the filthy thing! I might have called them curs — they deserved it, don’t you think?

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:21

      I know, right? How dull can you be. Maybe he was testing Schwarz?

      I think they did! You should have said it. Goodness…they must have used Henry’s tying tactics.

  8. 49 erinkenobi2893 December 16, 2014 at 14:58

    Oh, dear. X-D This was hilarious! And so mean of DS to make Ruber play an angel in the Christmas pageant! (Also, Fats Henry tying the tree to his car with a string–priceless! Where were they getting the tree from and where were they getting it for?)

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:20

      I suppose they wanted the tree…to decorate. But I’m not sure. Maybe firewood?

      Yeah…Henry could have been a bit smarter, huh?

      • 51 erinkenobi2893 December 17, 2014 at 15:55

        Hmmm…
        He could have indeed! X-D

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:17

        I think he’d be a Sentinel.

      • 53 erinkenobi2893 December 18, 2014 at 14:01

        I don’t think he could keep secrets to save his life, really…

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 20:20

        True. He might just ‘blast’ them out there.

      • 55 erinkenobi2893 December 19, 2014 at 01:45

        X-D Yup.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 15:44

        Rats. What a loud mouth.

      • 57 erinkenobi2893 December 21, 2014 at 14:04

        Indeed… he’s certainly not a Sentinel. :-P

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2014 at 23:21

        Yeah. Too stupid.

      • 59 erinkenobi2893 December 23, 2014 at 14:19

        Indeed.

  9. 60 Hazy December 16, 2014 at 14:30

    A string to hold still a real tree on top of a car with the help of windows. That’s an idea. *laughs*

    I’m awfully curious about this Christmas play with Ruber forced to dress up as an angel…

    • 61 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:19

      *laughing* Weatherly would never approve, huh?

      Yes? The story goes…DS was going to have Ruber in it when Ruber was a little guy. About 8. They set off, and never made it. Every year since, DS has been trying to get him there. No one knows for sure if they make it… One thing’s for sure, though: there’s no play going on.

      • 62 Hazy December 21, 2014 at 13:29

        *laughs* I reckon he wouldn’t!

        Poor Ruber in some sort of pageant dress-up time loop-ish thingy.

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2014 at 23:19

        I know! I do feel for Ruber. Truly.

  10. 64 L. Marie December 16, 2014 at 14:24

    Ha! At least Fats Henry wasn’t silly enough to use something even thinner–like thread. I sure hope he has insurance. I’m wondering if we’ll hear more about this tree incident.
    I also hope we get a glimpse at that Christmas pageant. What part will Sandra play?

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:18

      Sandra…hmm…maybe the snow queen? Like Lucy was going to. If there’s such a part. Maybe…Mary? Maybe that’d work?

  11. 66 walt walker December 16, 2014 at 14:17

    I recommend fake plastic trees is boxes. Those can go in the back seat.

    • 67 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:17

      *nods* I do, too. Pre-lit?

      • 68 walt walker December 16, 2014 at 16:35

        Yes, and complete with presents under it.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:33

        Cigar presents?

      • 70 walt walker December 17, 2014 at 19:54

        Yes, lit ones, for incense and added danger.

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:25

        Danger makes everything better, you know.

  12. 72 InfiniteZip December 16, 2014 at 14:07

    I almost hit a ladder that was not tied to the truck, that was hit by a tractor trailer and then went careening across the road towards our rental car…scary stuff but no angel dresses involved, just two tanned happy people on their way to the airport to head home…..you shouldn’t cut trees down though, it hurts them.

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:16

      Yes, but since a tree doesn’t have a nervous system, they can’t feel pain, you know. (It also hurts mountains when you climb them.)

      • 74 InfiniteZip December 16, 2014 at 18:33

        No mountains embrace being trod upon, makes them feel loved. Where as trees cry sap, we eat it on pancakes and waffles…..after a lot of cooking of course.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:45

        I thought sap was like…well, like there nose was running.

      • 76 InfiniteZip December 17, 2014 at 16:43

        No, it is down lower…maybe it’s pee pee…..

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:20

        *laughing* Now, now! Nah…too sticky.

  13. 78 FictionFan December 16, 2014 at 13:49

    Whew! When I read your tags, I thought it was going to be Schwarzy who was tied to the roof – what a relief! Though he might make a rather lovely Christmas tree… *ponders matters of tinsel and baubles and stars* But I think it might be unfair to stick Ruber on top of his head, even in his angel outfit…

    I’m not sure how a Christmas Pageant would work in the PL. I mean, what are the chances of them finding three wise men…?

    • 79 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:14

      A Christmas tree?! Dear me. I’m wondering now… You see, that’s quite a mean trip–to make Schwarz a tree. Makes me wonder if you really do like him. If he were a tree, we could burn him. Baubles? Never heard of that word. *laughing* I see the picture now…that would be ghastly, madam.

      *laughs* That’s such a good point! Well…Mr. Magi, Merlin, and…the professor!

      • 80 FictionFan December 16, 2014 at 18:14

        I don’t like him – I adore him! Utterly! What right-minded woman wouldn’t? If you even try to singe one little leaf, I will…I will… well, let’s just say Steven Tyler will look good in comparison to the Professor by the time I’m finished!!! Baubles? Why, what do Americans call them then? *hopes it’s not twinkies*

        Er…yes…that’s what worries me. Schwarzy, Daniel and Zez would be better. Actually, Huey, Dewey and Louie would be better!

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:39

        Well, I’m sure there would be many women who wouldn’t like Schwarz. Like Amelia for instance. *shocked face* You forget the professor is a trained warrior! Umm…Ornaments probably?

        *more shocked face* My honor has been devastated!!!!

      • 82 FictionFan December 17, 2014 at 19:54

        Please don’t compare me to…her! *spits* Anyway I don’t think anyone could say Amelia was right-minded, do you?

        *fierce face* Yes, but hell hath no fury like a woman who’s Schwarzy has been singed…

        Oh, but H, D and L are cute and adorable just like the Professor! But he’s fluffier.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:25

        Amelia is just…well…jealous and very prissy. (Like most girls!)

        *laughs* I love that so much, I’ll agree with you for now.

        Just looked them up! They’re ducks!!!!!!!!!!

      • 84 FictionFan December 18, 2014 at 16:57

        *flabbergasted face* I sincerely hope you are not including FF in that description!! I may get a little jealous occasionally, but…prissy??? How dare you!

        *laughs* You should make a New Year Resolution to always agree with me. It’d be easier…

        *laughs* And you’re not allowed to hunt them…

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 20:41

        Nah, FEF is special. You’re like Aravis. Wasn’t she prissy, though?

        Yes, but…imagine the books I’d have to read then.

        I won’t. Unless they come around!

      • 86 FictionFan December 19, 2014 at 00:18

        Wait a minute! I was just getting ready to say awww and then I think you did say I’m prissy after all!!! *glares indignantly*

        Oooh…yes!!! Wouldn’t that be fun???

        But they might bring their scary Uncle Donald with them…

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 15:36

        Well! It’s not that bad of a thing, really!

        Umm…I’d die!

        Well, since I like him, that’d be fine.

      • 88 FictionFan December 19, 2014 at 17:52

        ‘Tis!!!

        Wuss!

        As a person? Or as a dish?

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 21:40

        Well, fine, then! You’re not. Gee…

        You know, I’ve never had duck.

      • 90 FictionFan December 20, 2014 at 22:42

        *laughs lots* Am I annoying you?

        That’s OK, most ducks have never had human either.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2014 at 23:14

        *laughs* No, not at all!

        Yeah, but I bet they’ve had worms!

      • 92 FictionFan December 22, 2014 at 21:16

        Euchhh!

  14. 93 PorterGirl December 16, 2014 at 13:26

    Haha! So that is how the tree came to be flying into the minivan. I seem to remember Ruber being dressed up as something unsuitable last year as well, is it him that likes dressing up or does DS make him do it? I think it is quite adorable, actually. Next week, I am going to be an elf.

    • 94 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:12

      Oh, DS makes him do it. I think Ruber has thought about murder to escape it. It’s the sort of thing a girl would like, but not Ruber, you know. Yeah, DS tries to make him do it every year, but something usually happens.

      An elf? Nice. Like that Will guy?

      • 95 PorterGirl December 16, 2014 at 16:19

        DS should get Sandra to dress up instead. I know she seems rather sensible but, secretly, every girl wants to dress up every now and then.

        A bit like that, yes. But better. And with pointier booties.

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:28

        Well, I know I do. Like a warrior of Troy! Wouldn’t that be neatio?

        Cool. Is it for a party?

      • 97 PorterGirl December 16, 2014 at 16:33

        You would be a super warrior of Troy! I can envisage it now.

        It’s for a Christmas Eve outing to my local village pub. The elderly people enjoy it.

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:32

        Yes, I would be so vicious!

        Wish I could trek along. But I’ve got so many services to go to on that day! *laughs*

      • 99 PorterGirl December 17, 2014 at 14:50

        I wish you were coming too, what fun we would have! Then back to mine for noodles and cashews. Maybe next year, Professor

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 15:00

        That’d be nice! Noodles and cashews…are awesome!!! *laughs* Such a professor dish. Yes, we must at some point, you know.

      • 101 PorterGirl December 17, 2014 at 15:13

        We shall. You are always welcome to my home, my dear Professor

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 03:12

        Aw! That’s very nice of you. You as well here. I don’t have any demons here. Promise.

      • 103 PorterGirl December 18, 2014 at 08:33

        I don’t mind the odd demon, as long as they don’t touch my lunch. Maybe 2015 will be the year!

      • 104 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2014 at 20:11

        Maybe so! I think I’d be nervous.

      • 105 PorterGirl December 19, 2014 at 08:59

        Me too! But I would be armed with cherry muffins, which might help

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 15:47

        Ooo! I want one–the sudden!

      • 107 PorterGirl December 19, 2014 at 16:08

        I shall be sure to make sure I always have plenty of cherry muffins to hand, Professor. No one can be nervous with a cherry muffin!

        It may interest you to know that today I ate a big bag of cashews.

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2014 at 21:32

        That’s simply awesome. Reminds me of what great-grandfather professor used to say: A cherry muffins is the cause of all sorts of problems and their solution at the same time.

        Nice! Were they salted?

      • 109 PorterGirl December 22, 2014 at 08:30

        Great-grandfather Professor sounds like a very wise man indeed.

        They were unsalted, pure cashews, as nature intended. They were very nice.

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2014 at 19:01

        The best way to have them, I say!

  15. 111 Alastair Savage December 16, 2014 at 13:17

    Got to tie it down, that tannenbaum

    • 112 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2014 at 16:11

      You sure do. Do you suppose you could use the sap to stick it to the roof?

      • 113 Alastair Savage December 16, 2014 at 20:17

        With good resin, sir, with good resin.

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2014 at 14:51

        *laughs* That was quite genius, Mr. Savage.


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