Confronted

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“You know,” Schwarz Tauptinker said, staring at the waterfall. “I think that’s just downright weird-looking.”

The professor was caught off guard. See, I had supposed he would say something like: “That waterfall is amazing.” Or, “That waterfall is nice.” Or, if he was a girl: “That waterfall is adorable.”

But he didn’t.

Weird-looking.

“Really?” I said. “And why is that, Schwarz?”

Schwarz looked at it for a moment. “It’s skimpy on the water—tell you what!”

He did have a point.

Now, we were both standing there, admiring the beauty of the forest, when this fellow came up.

He was dressed like a ranger. A park ranger, I suppose. And he might have been fat.

“What are you two up to?”

“Staring at the waterfall,” Schwarz answered. “How about you?”

“Me,” he said, coming closer, “me…it’s my job to keep an eye on this park. To make sure people aren’t doing what they’re not supposed to be doing.”

He looked at me.

I wasn’t sure what he wanted.

“Well, if that’s what you do,” I said, suddenly, “I’m somewhat proud of you.”

His face fell, and he scowled. “I’m not looking for your approval, joker.”

“Good, because you don’t have it.”

Schwarz laughed. “That was chickit!”

The Ranger put his hands on his hips. “I suppose you think you’re funny, huh?”

“Schwarz was just telling me how weird the waterfall looked,” I said, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah,” Schwarz said, looking the Ranger over. “But you might win.”

The Ranger smirked. “I can tell you both disrespect nature.”

“And how’s that?” I asked.

He merely pointed (very dramatically, mind you) to a candy bar wrapper caught on a rock. (I think it was caught on the fuzzy green stuff that’s probably not safe to eat.)

“Oh no,” Schwarz said. “Why did you litter?” He was looking at the Ranger.

And the Ranger finally lost it. His face grew red—no, purple—no, red—and he said: “You bunch of idiots! How dare you blame me for your crime!”

“Wait for a second and hold on for a few,” I said. “Is it a crime to put a candy bar wrapper on a rock?”

He turned savagely to this professor. “In a National Park it is!”

“Well, then,” I said, “I agree with Schwarz: You shouldn’t have done it.”

And he swung at me, and he shouldn’t have.

Now, mind you, we were all standing on the bank of the…river, creek…waterthingy.

And when Mr. Ranger swung, I dodged, and he slipped. And plopped right in.

It wasn’t deep. And he was right back up again.

He was going for his belt. He quickly unbuckled it and swung it out. He was going to use it as a weapon.

Schwarz laughed. “You’re weird, chickit—tell you what.”

And that’s when we all heard a laugh.

“Hehaha!”

Down the stream was Daddy Salami.

He was on the bank, poised above the water, holding a candy bar wrapper.

As soon as the Ranger saw him, he was in pursuit.

Salami dropped the wrapper into the water, and ran off. Soon, they were out of sight.

“Maybe we should say a prayer for the Ranger?” Schwarz suggested.

I shook my head. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

But we never did see that Ranger again.

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122 Responses to “Confronted”


  1. 1 erinkenobi2893 March 26, 2015 at 13:01

    That was a not-very-nice sort of Ranger. (If it had been me, I would have shot the wrapper clean off the rock, and shot the other one clean out of DS’s hand. With an arrow. But then, I’m the shoot first, ask questions later type :-P)

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 20:25

      Which is a good practice overall. Can’t be too safe, see.

      • 3 erinkenobi2893 March 27, 2015 at 13:52

        Thank you. I’m glad you approve of my technique.

  2. 4 Angeline M February 17, 2015 at 02:53

    Well, hehaha indeed. DS to the rescue! I’m so proud of him.

    • 5 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:00

      Isn’t he something? Imagine going after him, though. The Ranger shouldn’t, you know.

  3. 6 xoxosanaz90210 February 17, 2015 at 02:00

    The ranger deserved a prayer. Poor guy!

    • 7 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:00

      I think you’re right. Do you suppose he caught up with DS?

      • 8 xoxosanaz90210 February 18, 2015 at 00:50

        Probably not. DS is cheeky and the ranger is just a poor guy.

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2015 at 00:00

        *nods* Is the professor cheeky, too?

      • 10 xoxosanaz90210 February 24, 2015 at 00:28

        He tries, does he not?

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke February 24, 2015 at 13:54

        *laughs* I think so…it’s fun, huh?

  4. 12 Simply Skeptical February 16, 2015 at 23:09

    Professor that was quite a tale as your usual tales go AND what an inept ranger. He shouldn’t be guarding a lolly pop let alone a national park.

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 20:54

      *laughs* Good point. He isn’t fit to guard anything. That’s why we should make him guard the white house!

      • 14 Simply Skeptical February 18, 2015 at 01:06

        Excellent!!

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2015 at 00:00

        *bows*

  5. 16 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 16, 2015 at 21:38

    A forest ranger on the chubby side who smirks seems adorable to me. You obviously have issues with fat people. Seems he knows his candy bar wrappers from his soda bottle wrappers. Wait that was you. ..he called you a joker. Seems rude. No girl worth her “creds” would call a waterfall adorable, you know. I think I would have gone to the waterfall with Magi, if I was headed towards one. This waterfall you found is short, for sure. Not dangerous at all. Cute. Definitely. DS saves the day, huh? I hope I don’t run by this ranger one day.

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:22

      That’s the other word a girl might say: cute. They say those things all the time, you know. You do know it’s true, dadblameit! I’ve got nothing against fat people. Really I don’t! He attacked me first, see.

      Through the waterfall?

      • 18 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 17, 2015 at 03:21

        Yes, I know they do. Stop yelling at me. You seem defensive, Sir. I know he was rude. I said that already… *looks annoyed*

        Huh? Am I lost?

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:03

        I’m always ready to pounce. That’s the warrior in me. Time for a ride on the chariot, I think. Need to go and hunt some wild beasts.

        If you go through the waterfall you will be!

      • 20 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 17, 2015 at 21:59

        Yes, I know. The warrior in you worries me, Duketh. The chariot? She hasn’t been waxed. With whom? Better be me, you know. .. Why are you hunting? Tell me.

        *goes through* I have my flashlight.

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2015 at 23:55

        Why does the warrior worry you? You can come!!

        There’s water snakes in there! Mr. Warrior told me.

      • 22 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 19, 2015 at 04:08

        *shrugs her shoulders* He’s able to fly off the handle. Thanks….but you didn’t say why you were hunting…

        *comes back through the waterfall* *pulls you through* Has he been in there?

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 01:52

        I think you’re right. But I’m a controlled specimen. Nah, I’m not.

        Yeah. We were searching for gold!

      • 24 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 21, 2015 at 19:22

        Very controlled. Indeed.

        You were? Did you have fun?

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke February 21, 2015 at 20:28

        Yes…but we didn’t find anything. Which was someone’s fault.

      • 26 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 22, 2015 at 04:25

        Well, it wasn’t my fault. Guarantee you that! *smokes your pipe*

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2015 at 12:17

        My pipe? Huff-Hum!

      • 28 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister February 23, 2015 at 15:43

        *puffs*

  6. 29 Heartafire February 16, 2015 at 19:13

    the waterfall and this text is adorable.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:14

      *laughing lots* Oh…you’re being spicy, aren’t you?

      • 31 Heartafire February 17, 2015 at 04:11

        a little, but love the article. thank you

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:04

        *bows* Well, thank you! Can the professor call you Hollie?

      • 33 Heartafire February 19, 2015 at 14:48

        but of course!

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 02:07

        Great! Thank you. *bows*

  7. 35 Debbie February 16, 2015 at 18:31

    Well, that is an odd-looking waterfall. Rather looks like five people holding water hoses, turned full blast!

    Professor, I’m sure you’re aware littering in a public park is a punishable offense. DS really should’ve looked harder for one of those trash cans. But the ranger seems a cranky sort, and I thought they tried to hire friendly types.

    As for the waterfall being “adorable” in a girl’s opinion, I think we should feel slighted. Are you poking fun at girls here???

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:13

      Yes!!! I couldn’t say it better myself. Someone’s messing in the park!

      Oh dear…is it? Why haven’t you told me this sooner?! Still, I was innocent.

      *laughs* Yes! Yes, I am, dadblameit!

  8. 37 Louis from VA February 16, 2015 at 15:08

    Aha! It was Daddy Salami all along! I should have known…
    I think you answered the ranger’s questions admirably.

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:09

      Thank you! He was getting rather mean–for no reason. When anything is amiss…it’s DS.

  9. 39 Susan P February 16, 2015 at 14:34

    This story reminds me of some of my dreams or nightmare. They always get weird when it is nearly time to wake up. I’m glad DS is back.

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:06

      *laughs* It was a nightmare story! Hmm… Yes, DS is back. And he’s in tiptop form, huh?

      • 41 Susan P February 17, 2015 at 00:24

        I missed him dreadfully. His brand of snark is irreplaceable.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 20:57

        It sure is. Plus, his mustache. You must admit that’s special.

      • 43 Susan P February 17, 2015 at 21:46

        I bet it tickles when he kisses someone.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2015 at 23:52

        Do you think he kisses?

      • 45 Susan P February 19, 2015 at 15:19

        Never underestimate DS. I mean, I’ve heard whispers on PL Radio.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 02:10

        PL Radio! How is PL Radio? I never listen.

      • 47 Susan P February 20, 2015 at 23:05

        Welllll it depends on who the DJ is on any given days. MM does some amazing crooning, but DS just laughs at him.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke February 21, 2015 at 20:25

        Yeah, DS…is he the announcer bloke? He’s always laughing everyone to scorn.

      • 49 Susan P February 22, 2015 at 00:04

        Someone has to do it, right?

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2015 at 12:15

        Very true. And he’d be the one.

      • 51 Susan P February 23, 2015 at 13:18

        The perfect storm in fact.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2015 at 21:16

        *nods*

      • 53 Susan P February 23, 2015 at 21:41

        Pours ketchup on the Professor.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke February 24, 2015 at 13:46

        But you mayn’t dip your french fries on me!

      • 55 Susan P February 24, 2015 at 20:42

        Pours salt on the Professor

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2015 at 00:14

        *shrivels up*

      • 57 Susan P February 25, 2015 at 21:02

        pours coffee on him

  10. 58 PorterGirl February 16, 2015 at 14:25

    That waterfall is a stunning thing indeed – or, as I am a girl, perhaps I should say it is adorable. Because it certainly is!

    Now, if you ask me that ranger was just looking for trouble. You can tell by his wild accusations that he was looking for a fight! Mind you, DS seems very happy to rile the ranger. Are you sure he intended to use the belt as a weapon, or was he preparing to remove his trousers for more nefarious matters? Either way, it is a vicious thing to do. I am glad he fell in the water.

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:04

      Hahaha! Stunning…that’s a better word, I’m thinking. Doesn’t it make you want to go for a swim?

      *laughs* I wasn’t sure what he was about when he was unbuckling his belt! Maybe it was to throw me off? And he was looking for trouble. You need to teach me how to use my stick better. Then I would have smacked him about!

      • 60 PorterGirl February 17, 2015 at 06:03

        Only if I knew what beasties were in the water – things might nibble me! I would go for a swim with my boots on, though.

        I good whack with the stick would have done the trick. A belt is no match for a stick! A chap should always be clear about why he is removing his belt when he is in company. Lucky the Mr R’s Ladies weren’t there they might faint

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:05

        *laughs* I so agree with you. Last time I went to the beach which was years and years ago…I had to watch out for stingrays. I wished then that I had brought boots!

        Very true. They would have definitely fainted. And Mr. R would have tried to put his belt back on. It would have been awful.

      • 62 PorterGirl February 18, 2015 at 06:09

        Stingrays! Eek! I saw a jellyfish once, it was like an alien.
        Very awful. Let us hope that DS saw off that ranger for good.

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2015 at 00:01

        They are awful looking! We should eat them out of existence.

      • 64 PorterGirl February 19, 2015 at 05:58

        Horrid things! I shall put them in a pie

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 01:57

        Yes, please do. A really hot one.

      • 66 PorterGirl February 20, 2015 at 06:04

        Yes! With onions

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke February 21, 2015 at 20:05

        Yes! That’ll fetch them.

  11. 68 FictionFan February 16, 2015 at 14:20

    Oh, that waterfall is adorable! But not nearly as adorable as my Schwarzy! But then, Schwarzy is one of the natural wonders of the world – I’m surprised they haven’t turned him into a National Park all by himself. And then we could go on day-trips to walk round him and… just admire! And *blushes* I might stick my chocolate wrapper on his head as a kind of tribute…

    How lovely to hear the Sausage’s wicked laugh though – nobody chuckles wickedly like he does…

    • 69 Susan P February 16, 2015 at 14:32

      Why wasn’t Schwarzy on your Valentine list?

      • 70 FictionFan February 16, 2015 at 19:57

        ‘Cos the Professor would have got wildly jealous, and that might have set him off winking again!

      • 71 Susan P February 16, 2015 at 20:17

        Okay–we definitely can’t let that happen again.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:21

        Oh yes we can! *winks bunches*

      • 73 Susan P February 17, 2015 at 00:26

        A whoops. you stop that right this minute!!!!

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 20:58

        *laughs* I love that expression!

      • 75 Susan P February 17, 2015 at 21:47

        Stop laughing. You can’t change the subject in the middle of a whoops.

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2015 at 23:53

        *winks at Susan and warns FEF*

      • 77 Susan P February 19, 2015 at 15:21

        *hands some coconut sprinkled cherries*

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 02:10

        Mmmmmm! Thanks, Susan. *eats it all*

      • 79 Susan P February 20, 2015 at 23:06

        Wait! You missed one.

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke February 21, 2015 at 20:25

        That’s for you, of course.

      • 81 Susan P February 22, 2015 at 00:04

        Oh. Well, thank you. I think…

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2015 at 12:15

        Oh no! You poisoned them!

      • 83 Susan P February 23, 2015 at 13:18

        Well, but….I thought that was what you wanted.

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2015 at 21:15

        I don’t want to die!

      • 85 Susan P February 23, 2015 at 21:39

        *wink wink wink*

      • 86 FictionFan February 17, 2015 at 16:37

        Whaaaaaaatt!!!!!!!!!!!! You promised you’d warn me before you did that in future!!! *sighs wearily* Now I’ll have to flounce again! *flounces again*

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:17

        Well, you warned yourself up above…

      • 88 FictionFan February 18, 2015 at 16:01

        But…but… oh, I give up!! *winks at the Professor several times*

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2015 at 00:12

        *falls under the power of her ethereal beauty*

      • 90 FictionFan February 19, 2015 at 17:46

        Awww! Sweetie honeybunnikinsy pie!!! I forgive you! For everything… *blushes and simpers*

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 02:20

        *laughs* Aw! That’s very nice of you. *blushes*

    • 92 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:02

      *laughs* Of course you’d say that! *laughing lots* Walk around and admire?! You’ve lost your foolish mind, Bubble-Wilkes. And I didn’t know that you always dreamed of placing a candy wrapper on his head…

      That’s true. Do you like him again?

      • 93 FictionFan February 17, 2015 at 16:35

        *laughs lots and lots* Bubble-Wilkes??? How did that happen?!? Of course admire! It’s not every day we girlies get to see such a fine specimen as Schwarzy, you know, you know! My foolish mind is just fine, thank you very much, honeypot, but I admit I’ve lost my foolish heart… *blushes* The chocolate wrapper dream is a new one, but I’m enjoying it…

        Oh, he always manages to wheedle his way back into my good graces eventually, silly old sausage!

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:17

        *laughs* Well…it’s revenge for all that honey stuff! Plus, it fits you splendidly. *laughs more* See? Honeypot! *growls*

        Maybe you’re heartless like me? Is the wrapper blue or gray?

        I just remembered his daughter…hmm!

      • 95 FictionFan February 18, 2015 at 15:59

        A fine revenge, my dearest honey baked ham! I rather like it! It sounds like the name of a WW1 fighter-pilot… *zooms off in pursuit of the Red Baron*

        But my heart is not at the bottom of the sea – it is in my Schwarzy’s possession! What’s his favourite colour?

        Good noodles!!! Just when you finally convince me there’s nothing going on between you and the Toad, now you’re day-dreaming about Sandra?!? *flounces off*

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2015 at 00:12

        Now you’ve cooked me dead! *considers about telling the truth or letting FEF think he’s a pilot…decides to say nothing on the matter* Yes, that’s cool!

        He took you heart?! Ew! Ghastly! Schwarz’s…probably gray.

        Oh no, she’s just not been in any stories as of late. I lose track of everyone, see.

      • 97 FictionFan February 19, 2015 at 17:44

        Dead perhaps, but with a lovely marinade! *narrows eyes and tries not to laugh* But I googled – and I couldn’t find anything! What are you up to, my sneaky little honeytrap?! *loops the loop*

        Yes! You should fight him to get it back for me! You mean grey? Hmm…not blue/green then? Like my eyes… *flutters eyelashes in Schwarzy’s direction*

        A likely story! I don’t see how you can lose track of the girlies since you seem to be always meeting them for coffee!!! *fierce face*

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke February 20, 2015 at 02:19

        Now that’s just mean and brutal! Well, it happens in the movie The Undefeated with John Wayne. And, no, you don’t need to watch it. He’s the annoying boyfriend of Charlotte. But he’s also funny.

        You’re right, I should. But what if I kill Schwarz in the process? Gray! I didn’t know you had green eyes! That’s cool. Though, sometimes mine look green, though I swear they’re red.

        They never forget me, see.

      • 99 FictionFan February 20, 2015 at 18:11

        Annoying boyfriend!! That is just so wrong on so many levels, wicked one!!! And yet oddly… I still like it! *throttles and goes into nose dive*

        *sighs* That’s OK – he’ll come alive again. Don’t you know the Punchy rules yet? Well, more blue than green, but green sometimes. When I cry.

        Unforgettable, that’s what you are. Unforgettable, though near or far…

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke February 21, 2015 at 20:20

        You like it? Why? I must needs to know. Right about now.

        That’s true. They are the Punchy rules. Ohhh….I think mine turn red when I cry.

        *holds ears*

      • 101 FictionFan February 22, 2015 at 16:38

        Because I sound like a fighter pilot! *performs barrel roll*

        Told you I can’t sing! *stomps off huffily*

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2015 at 12:20

        *laughs* Impressive.

        I wasn’t holding…oh, never mind, dadblameit!

  12. 103 L. Marie February 16, 2015 at 14:16

    Way to handle that ranger! And it’s weird that he would categorize the two of you as “a bunch.” Was he on some sort of medication which made him see double the amount of people? Perhaps Daddy Salami gave him one of his famous shots?
    Um, I’m female, and I would respond, “That waterfall is beautiful” rather than “adorable.” But if I saw a cute pebble, I might say, “That pebble is adorable.”

    • 104 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:01

      Thank you! He must’ve been on something. I think he was quite rude. Poor beast. Ooo…one of DS’s shots. That horrendous to think on. But it’s very possible.

      But…how can a pebble be adorable?

      • 105 L. Marie February 16, 2015 at 22:10

        Oh you would be surprised how adorable pebbles can be.

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:24

        Pea gravel? Maybe that can be…but…but..really?

  13. 107 walt walker February 16, 2015 at 14:12

    Now a belt is an odd thing to use as a weapon. It would hurt, which is why he chose it I guess, but still. In the time it took him to remove it, you could have finished him many times over.

    • 108 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:00

      That’s true. But I was more in shock at it. Maybe that was his plan: shock the enemy then beat them?

  14. 109 masgautsen February 16, 2015 at 13:52

    I find the waterfall both beautiful and a bit weird. And littering is bad, but a candy wrapper should maybe not have caused so much trouble.

    • 110 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 13:58

      I know. And then he thought we put it there, and we didn’t. We were admiring the weird waterfall. And the ferns, mind you. He was just angry, see.

      • 111 masgautsen February 16, 2015 at 17:16

        Not too niceof him to take his anger out on you. But he got the worst of it himself

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:10

        He sure did! Maybe he needed some meat cakes?

      • 113 masgautsen February 17, 2015 at 06:37

        Maybe he did!

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:06

        I need some still, dadblameit!

  15. 115 InfiniteZip February 16, 2015 at 13:13

    Littering is a bad thing…but was the chocolate good a at least? And why does it seem like you incite violence from some people where you go?

    • 116 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 13:56

      Well, Zippy, I fear people are just violent. Wouldn’t you agree? I mean, overall?

      • 117 InfiniteZip February 16, 2015 at 14:42

        Well, you must be hanging out with the wrong people…I live with the rainbow, unicorn peace loving crowd…and I don’t have a catana…maybe it keeps the anger at bay without the fear?

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2015 at 22:09

        But have the orcs ever attacked you? They search for rainbows.

      • 119 InfiniteZip February 17, 2015 at 10:11

        I don’t think I’ve ever seen one…are they like ogres?

      • 120 Professor VJ Duke February 17, 2015 at 21:06

        Yes, only their eyes drip…

      • 121 InfiniteZip February 18, 2015 at 02:38

        Now that sounds very very scary….

      • 122 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2015 at 00:00

        Sorta like me…


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