V. Shnodgrate’s Class

When you are going north and everyone else is going south, you must draw three conclusions: One, you’re going the wrong way. Two, they’re going the wrong way. Three—and this is most likely—you have two different destinations.
~ V. Shnodgrate

That proverb was written very neatly on the board when this professor entered the classroom.

Screen Shot 2015-03-08 at 1.26.32 PM

Now, see, I was taking Shnodgrate’s poetry class. Why, I’m not sure. Probably just because.

He threw me out of class last week. But I conveniently forgot about that. It always helps to forget about things you don’t want to remember. Of course, that also makes you a rogue.

I brought Daddy Salami with me this week.

And we sat in the back.

When we entered—it was my plan to be dreadfully quiet—Salami let out a laugh.

He announced us, in other words.

The entire class—which consisted of Fats Henry, Schwarz Tauptinker, and Amelia—turned to stare at us.

They were looking at my shoes.

Anyway, that’s when Shnodgrate saw us… He came in a hury.

“I threw you out last week,” he said.

Salami and I were both sitting at this point.

“Really?” this professor said. “A wonder since Mr. Salami wasn’t here.” Then I turned to Salami, “Did you know he threw you out last week?”

Salami’s mouth dropped. “No, I didn’t…the cur! But it was rude. Hehaha. I’m back anyway. Bwa-la-la!”

Shnodgrate—to his credit—remained composed. “I threw you out, P.VJ. You. And you came back. That takes guts. You can stay, if you can tell me what the proverb means.”

I looked at it for a bit, bits, and little bits.

The class was dead quiet.

“That’s simple,” I said.

“It is?” Shnodgrate asked.

“Ya wrote it, didn’t ya?” Salami put in.

“Yes,” I continued, “it means exactly what everyone supposes it means. Which means, it means nothing other than what it was meant to mean. Which is, something that everyone figured it means. That, sir, is what it means.”

There was silence for a time.

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128 Responses to “V. Shnodgrate’s Class”


  1. 1 erinkenobi2893 March 24, 2015 at 15:27

    A brilliant answer, Professor! I keep forgetting to write the one where I’m substitute teaching for poetry class.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2015 at 20:16

      Don’t worry. I know you’re busy. Whenever you get around to it.

      • 3 erinkenobi2893 March 26, 2015 at 01:19

        Thank you. :-) I’ll see if I can work on it a bit now.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 11:59

        Absolutely!

      • 5 erinkenobi2893 March 26, 2015 at 12:11

        :-D

  2. 6 Hazy March 11, 2015 at 12:24

    Why were they looking at your shoes? Was it bright red or something?

    The professor was spot on on his proverb dissection, methinks.

    • 7 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:55

      They were red! *smiles very proudly*

      Thanks, Hazy. At first, I feared I was maybe a bit too…cloudy on the matter.

      • 8 Hazy March 15, 2015 at 11:10

        Nice, red shoes! I don’t think I’ve got one. I have purple ones though. And I know the professor likes purple *snickers*

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2015 at 23:45

        *laughs* Well, purple is fine…for girls!

      • 10 Hazy March 16, 2015 at 12:55

        *laughs* I suppose you wouldn’t wear a purple shirt either, would you? But… But red is for girls too! Don’t you think?

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke March 16, 2015 at 18:25

        You’re right! I won’t!! Red?! Tis not, madam!

      • 12 Hazy March 17, 2015 at 12:35

        Oh, yes. Tis so, sir! Little red riding hood liked red and she’s a girl, you see. *nods nods*

      • 13 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2015 at 22:05

        I thought the wolf gave her that color?

      • 14 Hazy March 18, 2015 at 12:14

        Oh my! Did he, really? I thought the wolf ate little red and her hood? Or something like that.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2015 at 18:26

        Did he end up eating her? I can’t remember.

  3. 16 Jackie March 10, 2015 at 11:26

    Shnodgrate’s stating the obvious.

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:23

      He does tend to do that? You know, he once told me that people overlook the obvious, and that they’re usually deluded. He’s an odd chap, you know.

      • 18 Jackie March 11, 2015 at 09:34

        Old and curmudgeonly?

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:51

        Yes definitely to the second!

  4. 20 floridaborne March 9, 2015 at 21:43

    For me, it generally means that a Godzilla level catastrophe is going on and everyone is fleeing while I’m too obtuse to understand that I should be running like hell in the other direction, too. :-)

    • 21 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:23

      *laughing lots* I fear that, too. See, this professor was just driving…and everyone was going in the other direction. I thought I was going to run into godzilla at any moment.

      • 22 floridaborne March 10, 2015 at 03:17

        Aren’t you happy it wasn’t Mothra?

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 10:56

        Well, you know, she never scared me. Is she scary? The one with three heads now…

      • 24 floridaborne March 10, 2015 at 15:29

        Ah…3 heads are better than 1. :-)

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:29

        Especially if you’re hungry.

  5. 26 Nancy Loderick March 9, 2015 at 20:05

    Well Professor,

    Perhaps you should a poem for Professor Schnodgrate – include some sort of apology and then you might be able to sneak back into his class. :)

    Nancy

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:23

      An apology? But how should I say it…

      This is one draft idea: “Sorry a bit.”

      This is another: “I’m sorry ’cause of it all.”

      Which option do you like better, madam?

      • 28 Nancy Loderick March 10, 2015 at 17:13

        Well Professor,

        I’m all for being quick and concise, so I like the “Sorry a bit” one.

        Your poetic pal,
        Nancy

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:35

        Yes, you know, I liked that one, too. Something a brick might say, if he could talk. And I’m something of a brick.

      • 30 Nancy Loderick March 14, 2015 at 21:29

        Hi Professor,

        And I’ll bet you are a red brick too! Since red is your favorite color!

        Nancy

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2015 at 23:41

        Quite right! I am.

  6. 32 Debbie March 9, 2015 at 18:58

    I love this proverb! And the penmanship is spectacular! I’m puzzled along with everybody else, though — why were all these people looking at your shoes? Did you splurge and buy a cool pair of black Converse to go with your spectacular pants??!

    Sorry you got caught sneaking back into class, professor. It’s obvious that even the presence of DS couldn’t stop Shnoddy from observing your entrance. Trying to confuse the old boy only adds to your charm, you know!

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:21

      They’re red converse! *smiles proudly* And see, this is what I’m doing: I’m hoping everyone will see the shoes and forget about the pants. *waits to be congratulated on his lovely shoes*

      Do you suppose so? I came across as charming? Rats. I wanted to be vicious! Like a rodent of some sort.

      • 34 Debbie March 10, 2015 at 15:51

        Awesome choice, Professor!! You’ll make everybody forget all about those pants when you walk in wearing show-stopping red shoes!!

        I’m sorry, but I don’t see you as a rodent. A warrior, perhaps, but definitely not a rat. Oh, well, okay, if you want to be a rodent, then how about a prairie dog??

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:32

        You told me to get a pair, I think! Can you wear those things with a bit a sports coat? I’m so backward on such things.

        *laughing* That sounds good, but then Dallas would chase me, wouldn’t he?

      • 36 Debbie March 10, 2015 at 23:54

        Do a search for Google images. You’ll find plenty of ideas there. The thing is, they’re super-versatile so lots of possibilities exist!

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:38

        Versatility! It’s a great thing. Worms are versatile, I hear.

  7. 38 Susan P March 9, 2015 at 18:38

    A puzzlement it is. Sounds like the teacher is ready for spring break.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:20

      I think he forgot his lunch. But what do you make of my brilliant reply? *smiles proudly, ready to be congratulated*

      • 40 Susan P March 10, 2015 at 14:59

        Well, you certainly shut them up. At least for a season. And that is definitely congratulation worthy. Some of those PLers never stop talking.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:29

        I know. Especially…do you have one in particular in mind?

      • 42 Susan P March 11, 2015 at 00:07

        Well, sometime it’s DS and sometimes Ruber. But I think the one who talks the most is Mr. R.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:40

        Good point. He and his ladies could make speak for the entire world.

      • 44 Susan P March 11, 2015 at 22:17

        Uh-huh and no one would need help getting to sleep.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 16:12

        *laughs* I know you’d dance with Mr. R!

      • 46 Susan P March 12, 2015 at 18:50

        I would stomp on his foot on purpose.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 20:28

        How about Mr. Magi?

  8. 48 Nimmi March 9, 2015 at 16:30

    Well done, Professor… Now you are leading ;) and I’m laughing :D

    • 49 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:20

      *laughs* Thanks, Nimmi! Wasn’t that confusing, my little speech?

      • 50 Nimmi March 10, 2015 at 18:02

        I bet… It make you think…no wait..your speech made my head to take a 360 degree round ;)

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:37

        *laughing* Was I greatly confusing?

      • 52 Nimmi March 11, 2015 at 16:08

        Hahah :D In this one you created a history ;)

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 22:03

        *does a happy dance* Cool!

      • 54 Nimmi March 19, 2015 at 10:39

        Oh!! You got lovely moves ;)

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke March 19, 2015 at 23:04

        Thank you! It’s so professorish.

      • 56 Nimmi March 20, 2015 at 11:24

        Indeed!!

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke March 20, 2015 at 18:20

        *laughs*

  9. 58 FictionFan March 9, 2015 at 14:41

    I’m most concerned. Why wasn’t the minx fluttering? Why were they looking at your shoes? You’d think they’d have been mesmerised by your enchanted pants! Please tell me you didn’t forget to put them on!

    That is the neatest handwriting I have ever seen. I’m not at all sure that humanity has the power to be so neat – is Shnoddy an alien?!? That would explain so much… But the Professiorial Powers of Perplexion will have so confuddled him that the invasion has probably been put off! Well done, sir – you have saved the planet!!

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:18

      No, I put them on. And that’s the plan. See, this is what I did: I got red shoes. Now everyone will look at the shoes and forget the pants! *smiles at his wonderful plan*

      I would believe it. Hey, maybe he’s a gill monster like Kevin Costner? You think he was planning an invasion? Beastly chap.

      • 60 FictionFan March 10, 2015 at 16:14

        Good plan – bet it doesn’t work though!

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:33

        Oh, you watch it work, madam! These shoes are the brightest. Like tomatoes.

  10. 62 desertdweller29 March 9, 2015 at 13:50

    Amelia’s eyes weren’t fluttering this time. Was that o’l flirt finally paying attention? As for the proverb, clearly someone is heading out of dodge.

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:15

      Someone is leaving dodge! Well…she was entranced by my shoes. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

  11. 64 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 9, 2015 at 13:48

    Yes, he is correct once again, Duke. See the thing is…everyone has a different route, in which they take, to get to the same place. Shnoddy is very good at reminding us, in the end, some do end up at a different destination. Agreed. Which way are you headed? I’m going north via east, west and a little south, because I like circles.

    I think you just like to gloat about knowing all the answers. *smiles*

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:14

      You like circles? That’s why our discussions end up that way! A wonder! Do you suppose Shnod is smart?

      *laughing* Now, why is that?

      • 66 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 10, 2015 at 20:55

        I don’t like circle…I love circles. That is my very girly reply. I am obsessed with circles and odd numbers. Both very important to me for some dumb reason. Yes, and it does explain our discussions. I think Shnod is extremely smart.

        *ponders* Why is what?

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:40

        Well…a girl would say I think circle are cute and adorable. *gags* Odd numbers are cool. Like 5, for instance. Not a dumb reason neither!

        Why do you suppose I know the answers?

      • 68 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 11, 2015 at 03:26

        *swollows* I think I gaged a bit, too. Yeah, and I wouldn’t like that much. At least not for my circles. You mean like 3 and 9.

        Because you made such a strong argument….duh. *laughs*

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:46

        9 is a great number. It reminds me of a cat, I think.

        Well, thank you, but we both know it was rubbish!

      • 70 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 12, 2015 at 01:19

        Nine lives? Yeah, I suppose.

        Nice accent…

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 16:19

        That’s my English accent. Isn’t it spicy?

      • 72 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 12, 2015 at 19:53

        Yes, I thought it was, Sir. A fine accent, for sure. Will you be keeping it around?

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 20:31

        I think I should. With lots of ‘buggers’ ‘dadblameits’ and ‘beefs’. Are you feeling plumy or tops today?

      • 74 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 12, 2015 at 21:10

        Plumy…still raining here.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke March 13, 2015 at 11:38

        We’ve been having beautiful weather.

      • 76 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 13, 2015 at 16:18

        I’m happy for you. You deserve good weather for all the snow you’ve gotten.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke March 13, 2015 at 20:31

        I was talking to a girl yesterday who said she missed the snow! Believe it or not.

      • 78 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 13, 2015 at 22:11

        And she didn’t miss you since you were there…how nice.

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2015 at 18:56

        What do you mean miss me?

      • 80 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 14, 2015 at 22:14

        She couldn’t miss you since you were right there, unless she wasn’t standing before you, then I was wrong.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2015 at 23:43

        She was. But I’m betting she doesn’t miss me. She’s a strange chap.

      • 82 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 16, 2015 at 02:35

        Ahh, nice of you to keep her company.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke March 16, 2015 at 18:20

        The girls hate the professor.

      • 84 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 17, 2015 at 04:21

        I don’t believe you for a second.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2015 at 21:59

        But you must!

      • 86 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 18, 2015 at 00:10

        I shan’t. It isn’t possible.

  12. 87 L. Marie March 9, 2015 at 13:38

    Did Shnodgrate write that proverb so neatly on the board in the hopes that the girl who flirted with you (as mentioned a few posts back) would flirt with him?
    My other question is this: Why didn’t you bring Manly-Man with you also? Surely he has a poet’s soul.

    • 88 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:12

      *laughing* Oh, I’m sure he wasn’t thinking that… But are you sure that girl flirted with the professor?

      So true. I should have. But something tells me he would have complained, you know.

      • 89 L. Marie March 10, 2015 at 12:52

        I’m sure I explained that before. *consults notes* Yes, I believe I mentioned something about the come hither eye and the fact that she asked a question when clearly she could have gone on about her business. Perhaps Shnodgrate hoped someone would come along and ask him a question.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:26

        *laughing* Yes, I remember. You’re quite good at this. But…maybe she just wanted to make polite conversation! It’s possible, Shnod loves explaining things. He’s such a lecturer.

  13. 91 walt walker March 9, 2015 at 13:33

    Well done, Old Sport. You showed him. You pulled a George Costanza on him too, pretending you hadn’t been thrown out. I’m not sure he should be teaching poetry, by the way.

    • 92 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:11

      *laughing* That’s very true! That was like GC a bit. Yeah…have we ever seen a poem by this fellow? I know. Walt, let’s bring Dick to the class…

      • 93 walt walker March 10, 2015 at 16:37

        Good heavens! Dick to the class? He is an adventurist and fancies himself quite gifted. I’m certain he would go. But it could be … Well, disastrous? Or maybe he would be a huge hit? He refuses to wear shirts, you know.

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:34

        *laughs* I did fear this…but, hey! Amelia is there. He’d flirt with her. How about we do this?

      • 95 walt walker March 11, 2015 at 00:13

        Okay! What would you like me to ask him to do? I’m sure he will ignore it.

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:41

        Well, we must trick him into meeting Shnod. Since they’re sorta like enemies. (Would be okay if I emailed you?)

      • 97 walt walker March 11, 2015 at 23:06

        Yes! :)

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 16:13

        ‘Kay…

  14. 99 The Lite Rider March 9, 2015 at 13:26

    Oh, how I love that proverb. DS brought welcome relief to this … serious .. poetry class! I love how they couldn’t look you in the eye! :) (Do any of us really know where we are going?!)

    • 100 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:11

      Oh, the professor does. I’m going down the path that has the most dadblamery, you know. Doesn’t DS just help everything?

      • 101 The Lite Rider March 10, 2015 at 13:21

        He definitely breaks things up, and sizes up the dadblamery immediately! :)

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:27

        Ah, bet we all could learn from him.

  15. 103 masgautsen March 9, 2015 at 13:25

    The Proffessor is very deep today.

    • 104 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:08

      Haha, nah! Is the profesor ever really deep?

      • 105 masgautsen March 10, 2015 at 02:01

        Either that or he’s full of it. I was trying to be nice ;)

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 10:56

        And I took it that way! You made the professor blush. (How’s your weather doing? It warmed up here significantly.)

      • 107 masgautsen March 10, 2015 at 11:13

        Our weather is still a cit could, windy and for tha most part wet.

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:20

        It’s wet here, too. But warming slightly. Ahh…spring.

      • 109 masgautsen March 12, 2015 at 09:54

        I simply adore spring!

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 16:23

        Me too! Do you have beetles over there?

      • 111 masgautsen March 12, 2015 at 16:35

        We have some.

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 20:14

        They usually come out in the spring, I hear.

  16. 113 Simply Skeptical March 9, 2015 at 11:27

    Certainly. And what else could it mean, but what it simply states. I get it. I think. Shnoddy has nice printing. I’m not sure he’ll let you stay in the class though since I’m not sure you gave the answer he was looking for. You’ve confused him and thus the class. He doesn’t seem an easy one to please. Pointing out his confusion is like burning bridges.

    • 114 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:02

      Oh rats. I was hoping they wouldn’t throw me out again. Do you suppose you can call him and have speaks with him? Perhaps he’ll listen to you and keep me in.

      • 115 Simply Skeptical March 10, 2015 at 11:19

        No, not I. It is the Professor who possess the magnetism. We all know that – even Amelia. Just turn on that charm Sir! (giggles)

      • 116 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:22

        It must be the katana. Everyone goes for it, you know.

  17. 117 PorterGirl March 9, 2015 at 11:08

    That writing is very neat indeed, someone has taken their time over that. And quite right too, words are difficult enough without them being scruffy as well.

    Why were they all looking at your shoes? I imagine they were so fabulous that they couldn’t avert their gaze! I am pleased to see DS getting involved with the poetry class, he certainly livens things up.

    Personally, I think that this is a good proverb. Most likely that the chaps have two different destinations, but what if they are both going the wrong way? Everyone would be completely lost. This is why maps are important.

    • 118 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 01:00

      I bet it took Shnod about 25 minutes. Doesn’t that seem about right? Of course, it could be a half-hour, too.

      *laughs* Well, I’m trying to have everyone forget about the pants, so I bought red shoes. They’re kinda cool, mind you. Oh yes, DS does liven things up…in a good way or bad way, I’m not sure.

      *laughing lots* Imagine if they’re both lost! Can you read a map?

      • 119 PorterGirl March 10, 2015 at 06:20

        I think somewhere between half an hour and a week sounds about right.
        *laughs * we shall never forget about the pants! They are forever ingrained in our minds. Red shoes are fabulous, bravo for them. DS is like a force of nature – neither good nor bad, he just IS.
        Maps are tricky things, I think. But very pretty. I can always spot when there is a hillock nearby.

      • 120 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 10:58

        *bangs head on desk* Not the pants! But you’re not even sure what they look like, are you? See, that’s the power of imagination.

        Perfect point about DS. He is a force of nature. Like a tornado, if you will.

        Oh! What’s a hillock?

      • 121 PorterGirl March 10, 2015 at 11:08

        Oh yes, the pants! You see, now you have set them in mind I think of little else. They are the colour of a thousand stars and twice as shiny. I love those pants!
        A hillock? ‘Tis a small, grassy hill. With a sheep on. Possibly.

      • 122 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2015 at 23:20

        Huff-Hum, madam! I wonder how much they’d fetch on the blackmarket…

        Aha! Of course I knew that!

      • 123 PorterGirl March 11, 2015 at 06:07

        I shall offer you… fifteen pounds for them!

      • 124 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2015 at 21:49

        *laughing* Is that a fair deal? I’m not sure how much a pound is…don’t you swindle me!

      • 125 PorterGirl March 12, 2015 at 08:14

        Ummm… Fifteen pounds is probably about $25. So maybe not that fair. (I just want the pants, dadblamit!)

      • 126 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 16:21

        *laughing* But what would you do with them?

      • 127 PorterGirl March 12, 2015 at 16:34

        Worship them. No. Maybe try them on and impersonate the Professor. Also, I would test to see if they glow in the dark.

      • 128 Professor VJ Duke March 12, 2015 at 20:14

        *laughing* Pay homage to the professorish pants! Oh dear me… Glow in the dark…I have to try that the sudden!


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