Lunch with the Professor

Food is indirectly proportional to one’s appetite;
It’s directly proportional to one’s disposition.

Punchy Proverb by V. Shnodgrate.

***

f_100

So…the professor went out to lunch.

(Why do I start every post with ‘so’? That’s a legitimate question, by the way. I’m sure I have a reason that we’re both not aware of…)

Lunch…with Smiles Riot.

He’s sorta like my cousin—which makes me his nephew.

And we went out some time last week.

I can’t remember the exact date, due to the mind.

But whatever and a few.

So, we ordered, and were having speaks (and eating) when Smiles says: “They didn’t give me the extra cheese I ordered; and that makes me very, very sad.”

The professor leaned over and inspected the salad. In truth, this is true: There wasn’t much cheese in the salad—even by the professor’s standards.

“I’ll fetch it for you,” I said.

And this professor got up and went to the front. Now, this was one of those places where you order at the front.

There was a line.

And I maybe sorta cut to the front.

“Hold on, buddy,” a burly fellow said. He was in the middle of ordering. “You have to get in the back of the line.”

“That’s okay,” I replied, “I came for the cheese.”

“What?”

“Do you like cheese?”

The man scowled. “I’m ambivalent about it!”

“Good. You came to the right place, then.”

By this time, I had the cashier’s attention.

“Madam,” I said, “do you mind: I need a bit more cheese for a salad.”

“Oh, we don’t give out extra cheese,” she quipped. It was a sour voice. About two notches flat on the northeast.

“Really?”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “Our cheese is expensive. We can’t afford to give too much out.”

Now that was a wonder. “Then why don’t you order cheaper cheese?”

“‘Cause this stuff is better.”

“I’m not sure how you know… When you have one tiny chunk of a piece of cheese (mouse portion, mind you) on a salad, you end up losing it in all the green.”

“Listen!” the burly fellow cut in. “I’m ordering!”

The woman sighed. “Will you step away?”

“I’m very cranky the sudden.”

She rolled her eyes, and I was kinda pushed out of the way.

That’s when I returned to the table.

“Cheese is a precious commodity here, I fear. I didn’t know this. They won’t give extra.”

“Nonsense!” And Smiles Riot left, and returned with extra cheese.

“How did you do that?”

“I threatened never to come back.”

Now that is something I’ll have to try.

Moral: Threatening is powerful.

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103 Responses to “Lunch with the Professor”


  1. 1 Me, Myself and DIY March 28, 2015 at 11:58

    Cheese rules. So does so. It stinks that threatening is powerful.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2015 at 14:22

      Doesn’t it? We must needs change it.

  2. 3 Jackie March 27, 2015 at 13:10

    This story made me hungry.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2015 at 13:13

      Yes, you know…I do know what you mean.

      • 5 Jackie March 27, 2015 at 13:49

        Whew! I’m so glad you know what I mean.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2015 at 13:55

        (I was probably hungry when I wrote it.)

  3. 7 masgautsen March 27, 2015 at 05:20

    I have nominated you for an award, no need to accept or do anything about it, just my way of saying I appreciate your blog http://thethoughtsandlifeofme.com/2015/03/27/the-creative-blogger-award/

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2015 at 13:03

      I really really appreciate it! Thanks you.

  4. 9 Simply Skeptical March 26, 2015 at 23:33

    Soooo Professor why does this sound vaguely familiar :-) Any restaurant that is too cheap to hand over some extra cheese should be fined, or demolished, or something. Dare they!!!! Three cheers for Smiles.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2015 at 12:49

      *laughing* It does, doesn’t it? Dare they indeed! Plus, they should be knifed!

  5. 11 erinkenobi2893 March 26, 2015 at 13:05

    Oh dear. They should give extra cheese if they ask for it…

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 20:26

      I know, right? What would you have done?

      • 13 erinkenobi2893 March 27, 2015 at 13:53

        Told them, very politely, that they could always charge extra for extra cheese, if it’s so expensive.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2015 at 13:57

        Very true! Why didn’t I think of that? I got pushed out too early, I’m thinking.

      • 15 erinkenobi2893 March 30, 2015 at 00:11

        Indeed.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2015 at 12:15

        You say that now.

      • 17 erinkenobi2893 March 30, 2015 at 12:30

        I say that always. :-P

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2015 at 19:41

        Only every other day.

      • 19 erinkenobi2893 March 31, 2015 at 21:06

        Always. :-P With scheduled repetition.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke March 31, 2015 at 22:11

        I see…

      • 21 erinkenobi2893 March 31, 2015 at 22:44

        Indeed. :-P

  6. 22 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 25, 2015 at 22:14

    You’re hiding proverbs, Duke. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, or something like that, right. Food makes everyone cranky. Either you like it or you don’t. Someone is always unhappy. Smiles was fierce about getting his cheese. Cheese is pretty important. However, would Smiles have followed through with his threat. Tis the question. You must not care one way or the other about cheese…or Smiles’ cheese, I guess.

    • 23 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 11:47

      Hiding proverbs? How am I doing that? Now, about Smiles. I think you like him, don’t you? He’s my uncle, you know.

      • 24 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 26, 2015 at 15:33

        Not hiding so much, actually. I’m just not used to the new way of seeing them, I guess. Yes, I do like Smiles. Very much. He holds my attention. Yes, Duke, I know. And you are his nephew. However that works.

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 20:35

        Yes, sorry. I did change things up a bit. I’m not sure how that works. You must have messed with it. *laughs* Why do you like him?

      • 26 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 27, 2015 at 03:34

        If you don’t know how that works, then I for sure messed it up trying to do it for myself. See what you did?! Hmm, well, because he tries new things without much care of whether it will go well, he’s an instigator, if I remember correctly and he seems to really like you, which is hard to find sometimes in the PL. You upset many, you know. You and Smiles are partners in crime. Right? He trusts you, which reaffirms my instinct about you, Duke.

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2015 at 13:02

        Yes, he does trust me. Sorta looks up to me, you know? And I”m such a wicked soul, too. We must feel bad for Smiles. He’s an instigator–just like me! I think Mr. Magi likes me, though.

      • 28 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 27, 2015 at 14:07

        Why should we feel bad for Smiles, Duke? You’re probably the same guy. My Magi does like you, but so does Amelia, Ruber, Henry, Mr. R…well everyone, I was wrong.

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2015 at 14:02

        But does Salami?

      • 30 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 28, 2015 at 23:06

        Yes, or he’d have killed you by now.

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2015 at 18:29

        That’s a very good point. I like how you understand the PL’ers!

      • 32 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 29, 2015 at 20:01

        Thanks. I try to keep up. I’m at least the 25th smartest PL reader here.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2015 at 12:07

        Oh, you are not! You seem to understand the hardest character of all.

      • 34 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 30, 2015 at 14:15

        Which one is that?

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2015 at 19:53

        The professor!

      • 36 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 30, 2015 at 21:53

        Oh my, I doubt it.

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke March 31, 2015 at 11:48

        I’m glad you do…

      • 38 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 31, 2015 at 14:08

        I love getting to know you.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke March 31, 2015 at 22:07

        I gave out too muchly much!

      • 40 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 1, 2015 at 02:22

        No you haven’t. .. Why do you think so?

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2015 at 18:26

        Well, you know…

      • 42 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 1, 2015 at 21:34

        No… *waits* Tell me.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke April 2, 2015 at 13:00

        *holds ears*

      • 44 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 2, 2015 at 19:44

        *walks home*

  7. 45 Nancy Loderick March 25, 2015 at 20:08

    Oh Professor,

    You will have practice your threats, after all we are declaring war on business intelligence (based on my blog post on scary marketing), remember?

    Or, you could practice doing Warrior Pose in Yoga. I bet if you started doing yoga in the middle of the restaurant, they’d give all the cheese you could want. They might even start throwing cheese at you!

    Nancy

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:52

      Yes, I know! What does this mean? I declare war…and…I can’t threaten! Do you suppose you can give me a few threats for the road?

      *laughing* I should try this. But I don’t even know warrior pose! And Yoga would break my back!

      • 47 Nancy Loderick March 28, 2015 at 21:01

        Well Professor,

        I always tell Mr. Ken that if we were ever mugged, I would just start talking about kettlebells (one of my favorite types of exercise). After that, I would go on about healthy eating. Those muggers would run screaming away!

        Perhaps you could try the same thing. :)

        Nancy

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2015 at 18:20

        *laughing lots and lots* What’s Mr. Ken think of it?

      • 49 Nancy Loderick March 31, 2015 at 19:16

        Well Professor,

        As to be expected, Mr. Ken just rolls his eyes and says, “better them than me having to listen to yet another kettle bell or healthy eating story. :)

        Nancy

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke March 31, 2015 at 22:11

        *laughing lots and lots* Mr. Ken is a character!

  8. 51 Debbie March 25, 2015 at 17:17

    Hmm, don’t fear you’re losing your charm, Professor. You’re not. It’s just that Smiles was the one ordering extra cheese, so it’s only right he’d be the one to complain — and get results.

    I’m lost in the kinship between the two of you, however. If he was your cousin, how did you become his nephew? Oh, never mind — I always get lost in family trees!

    And next time, rather than cutting in front of a burly guy at the front of the line, I might be more inclined to say “Excuse me” and slip in front of a group of cackling older gals who’d be impressed at your smoothness!!

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:51

      I should have swung the katana about wildly, huh?

      *laughing* I could’ve said it wrong. It’s always confusing me too. So…I said it wrong, I suppose? Rats and a Heifer.

      Aha! So, they wouldn’t call you out? See, I’d have supposed they might have.

  9. 53 desertdweller29 March 25, 2015 at 16:22

    I can see the Professor lost a little of his fight after yesterday’s jailing. Threatening to never return to the establishment may not have worked with you, dear Professor. It’s possible word got out about your library antics. PLanders can be quite gossipy, you know. I give it a week or two before you hurdle some cheese at this place. I recommend American — slices stick like post-it notes. Bam!

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:50

      *laughs* I can picture this! But it would be a waste of cheese. You’re right about PL’ers for sure. Makes me wonder who told them what and when! Probably Schwarz!!! Do you suppose I should’ve just jumped on her, tackled her, and taken the cheese?

      • 55 desertdweller29 March 25, 2015 at 23:15

        No warrior should risk his own neck for a fussy cheese-salad-eating rapscallion! Now if he was eating mutton chops, well, that’s an entirely different sort. Should this make any sense: A sacrifice for a sacrifice is the only meal worthy of a sacrifice. Oh, blasted… I’m all garbledooked. I have swiss cheese on my brain.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 11:50

        *Laughing lots* That makes lots of goodly sense. And you have a point about mutton chops. That fellow is respectable, hands down. We know this because of what he’s eating. But isn’t the salad eater healthier?

  10. 57 FictionFan March 25, 2015 at 14:57

    (Because it would look really silly if you started every post with Rumpelstiltskin.)

    I would like to applaud your good intentions, but I suspect you just wanted to flirt with the cashier. It’s surprising that she clearly found Smiles more to her taste though – one wonders if he did his famous crying routine. That works with girls sometime, so I’m told. I wouldn’t know though…

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:46

      (Very good point! Though…it’s tempting. I might want to try that. Couldn’t he make peas into gold?)

      If I wasn’t related to Smiles, I think I would’ve left him in that place. You should’ve seen how much cheese he came back with. *laughs* So you’re told…well, who tells you these things? I bet it’s Lottie!

      • 59 FictionFan March 26, 2015 at 00:17

        (Ooh, that would be great! My peashooter ammo would be worth a fortune!)

        It’s good that they let him out of Crackjaw every now and again though. I’m glad you didn’t lead him astray this time. Girls tell me, and then they chuckle! I bet that’s why you like Amelia so much – because she giggles. I bet Sandra doesn’t giggle…

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 11:51

        (It would be! And you could see some of them, and buy guitars!)

        You’re right: Sandra doesn’t. But Schwarz does! What think you of that! I am surprised that you like Sandra lots.

      • 61 FictionFan March 26, 2015 at 15:31

        (I would! But not turtleshell ones! And I would buy a gold-plated kazoo for myslef so we could do duets… *holds ears in a Professorish fashion*)

        Schwarzy does not giggle! He chuckles deliciously! It’s just that I think Sandra would be a much more suitable girlfriend for… someone… than the Monstrous Minx…

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 20:35

        (Yes, I’m sure the turtle ones don’t work well, anyway. *laughs* I’d love to do a duet with you. I’ll make you practice some guitar one day.)

        He does so giggle! But…do I need a girlfriend? I don’t want one, FEF!

      • 63 FictionFan March 27, 2015 at 00:30

        (Don’t you have to be able to do something before you can practice it? We could do the duet form Polar Express – you can be the horrid little kid and I’ll be the sickly sweet girl…)

        *shakes head sadly* And I don’t want you to have one! But I fear it may be the only way to keep you away from the slinky slithery minx…

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2015 at 12:53

        (*laughs* No…we’ll do some boring etude! Or a spanish dance. They’re easy; all you need is a couple of chords.)

        Doesn’t she have Dick now, though?

      • 65 FictionFan March 27, 2015 at 19:57

        (Spanish dance! Imagine WOB’s face if I told him I could play Spanish guitar… that would shut him up about his dadblamed triangle triumph!)

        Somehow that thought makes the world seem a very dark place – imagine how utterly, utterly horrid their little kids would turn out… *shudders violently*

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2015 at 14:10

        (*laughing lots* Now you’re not supposed to learn for that reason! But, I admit, that would be cool.)

        *gulps* You would have to dispatch them.

  11. 67 L. Marie March 25, 2015 at 13:01

    *Shakes head* What happened to the Professor’s warrior spirit? I’m sad that you were pushed aside and returned to the table without fighting for the cheese. I’m completely gardoobuled and maybe a little bit gargonic. Please restore my belief in you.

    • 68 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:43

      *looks really embarrassed* You’re right, I should have. Umm…should I return and declare war? That’s the only other option, I fear.

  12. 69 Susan P March 25, 2015 at 12:59

    I think it is suspicious that you and Smiles went to lunch together. In fact, I find is cheesy. Didn’t he get you into prison once?

    I always take extra cheese with me just in case. You might want to think about doing that. Either that of having Smiles go everywhere you do and that just sounds unsavory.

    Put it on the PepperPot and see if it boils.

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:42

      Well…he sorta did. But maybe he reformed? (*laughing* Love how you used cheesy!)

      It does sound unsavory, and rather horrid. But how many cheeses do you pack?

      What’s that?

      • 71 Susan P March 25, 2015 at 21:04

        I take as much cheese as I can carry. Of many varieties. With some crackers. I couldn’t resist the cheesy thing. Sometimes it just comes out unbidden. Pepperpot? It’s an online thingy that helps you keep your recipe and menus organized. Bethy started it.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 11:46

        Did she really? That so cool. I love innovators. And Bethy is definitely one. How’s she doing?

        But how do you carry all that around?

  13. 73 walt walker March 25, 2015 at 12:37

    You had me at “lunch with Smiles Riot.”

    • 74 L. Marie March 25, 2015 at 12:58

      Ha! Me too!

    • 75 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:41

      Yes, you like the chap…but he doesn’t steal your coffee or pancakes, you should know.

      • 76 walt walker March 25, 2015 at 21:07

        But…that’s a good thing.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 11:47

        It is true…but see, you have a perfect opportunity to poison…

      • 78 walt walker March 26, 2015 at 17:11

        Gasp!!

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 20:40

        I didn’t say it, I didn’t say it!

  14. 80 PorterGirl March 25, 2015 at 12:34

    So… the word comprised of the letters ‘s’ and ‘o’ is a perfectly lovely way to start a post, I should say. What other word would do in its place? None, I think. So you use it because it is the best thing for the job.
    Now I think it very gallant of you, Professor, to enquire for further cheese for the charming Mr Riot. That is the mark of a true gentleman. The least said about their attitide to cheese, the better. Whether the cheese be expensive or moderately priced, there should always be lots and lots of it. I eat it before bed deliberately, to give me strange dreams. It never works. If I eat it in bed, it gives me wind. There’s a thing.
    The post starts with an excellent proverb and ends with a wise moral. I feel very well educated today, Professor.

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2015 at 20:41

      Thanks, Lucy! I love the part about it being lovely, I must say. I’ll keep using it, then!

      *laughing lots* It’s supposed to give you strange dreams? An interest! But why would you want strange dreams? Smiles…charming? He’s as charming as the backside of a water buffalo, I tell you!

      I’m still trying to work out the proverb, I fear…

      • 82 PorterGirl March 26, 2015 at 06:19

        You must! It is a small but excellent word. A little like myself – aha!
        It is an old saying that eating cheese before bed gives you strange dreams. It seems not to be true. Ordinary dreams are quite dull, I fear. I like to be shocked whilst I slumber!
        Indeed? Whatever can it mean?

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 12:05

        Exactly like yourself, I say!

        Like…in Inception! Imagine if you had those type of dreams. I’m game, I must say.

        All bosh, I tell you!

      • 84 PorterGirl March 26, 2015 at 12:24

        Hurrah! And thank you.
        Yes – just like that! It is good to be entertained at night time. You are game for anything, Professor!
        Pah! I was hoping to winkle out a small glimmer of wisdom, too.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke March 26, 2015 at 20:20

        I’m game for all sorts of adventures! And for sword fights.

        I’m sure you could, I’m too dull to do such a thing.

      • 86 PorterGirl March 27, 2015 at 07:15

        Indeed you are! And I sense that many swashbuckling adventures await in the not too distant future!

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2015 at 13:07

        For sure! I love adventures. Especially with mortal danger!

      • 88 PorterGirl March 27, 2015 at 13:58

        That’s the very best kind! Or, maybe, immortal danger. If such a thing exists. But anyway, let us ride off in search of danger of all kinds!

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2015 at 14:00

        Immortal danger! Yes, we must find that. I think we should start the search in the mountains.

      • 90 PorterGirl March 28, 2015 at 16:25

        Good plan. I shall fetch my sturdy shoes and my biggest lunch box.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2015 at 18:18

        Oh yes! Do make sure it’s the biggest lunch box. With lots of cashews, too, please.

      • 92 PorterGirl March 30, 2015 at 05:59

        Most certainly. Muffins, too.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2015 at 12:25

        Cashew muffins–if they’re a thing.

      • 94 PorterGirl March 30, 2015 at 13:09

        They could be a thing, you know *makes notes in cook book*. I should attempt them.

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2015 at 19:43

        *laughing* You’re so experimental! Which is good. IF you do them, let me know how they come out.

      • 96 PorterGirl March 31, 2015 at 05:22

        I am a food – adventurer too, it seems! I shall take a picture, if they turn out okay. But it is how they taste that really matters!

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke March 31, 2015 at 12:02

        That’s exactly right. Presentation only matters so much. I know you’ll make good ones. *wants one badly*

      • 98 PorterGirl March 31, 2015 at 12:13

        You are right about presentation – taste is paramount. But it helps if they look a little lovely. I shall endeavour to perfect them for you!

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke March 31, 2015 at 22:02

        I’m honored! Bet Rob would like them too. Though, it’s surprising how many people dislike cashews.

      • 100 PorterGirl April 1, 2015 at 05:16

        *laughs* I must offer him some, you know – although I don’t share food readily. Hopefully he won’t like them and we can eat them all!

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2015 at 18:26

        Yes! We’ll split them about 60/40.

      • 102 PorterGirl April 1, 2015 at 20:20

        In our favour, obviously.

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke April 2, 2015 at 12:48

        Absolutely.


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