Outlet Mall—Searching

To say: “I’m perfect in my imperfection,” is akin to saying: “I’m skinny in this fat body,” or “I love flying on the ground.” It’s better left unsaid. ~ V. Shnodgrate

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When the professor shops, he usually doesn’t. After all, shopping is time-consuming and rather wastes time in the extreme.

But sometimes you have to go out searching. For instance, if you wake up some morning and find that you don’t have a pan that is suitable for cooking an omelet, then you probably should go and get one.

So, that’s what I was about as I strolled through one particular outlet mall.

Now, here’s the vexing thing: I’m rather sure outlet malls are built like mazes on purpose. They want to keep you in, see.

That doesn’t work with this professor. I was just about to give up and leave (without the pan; I’d just cook beets or something) when I found a store.

It was called: Every Shape & Size Cookware.

This was the ticket.

I went through the door, and the little bell-noise thingy announced me. That was vexing, I must add.

And then I began searching for an omelet pan.

This professor searched for about an hour before I gave up and went over to the registers.

“See here,” I began, “do you have an omelet pan?”

The girl seemed a bit confused—that’s normal, I hear.

“An omelet pan?” she repeated. “You’re searching for an omelet pan?”

“I know that,” I replied. “Do you suppose they have one in this store?”

She was very uncomfortable the sudden. “I’m so sorry, but I’ve never heard of an omelet pan. I’m sure we have something that might work, though.”

“Oh…” I was stumped.

She disappeared and reappeared with this:

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“Would this work?” she asked.

“Umm…I’m a bit unsure…but I suppose it will.”

As I was leaving, I regretted it. Omelets aren’t square are they? How, then, could they be cooked in a square pan? Not much of anything useful was square. Except classical musicians.

I suppose it was worth a try, dadblameit.

Double-dadblameit.

And it didn’t work.

Moral of the story: Never get a square object to do a circular object’s job.

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133 Responses to “Outlet Mall—Searching”


  1. 1 Angeline M April 7, 2015 at 18:41

    That looks like quite the luxe outlet mall! So, why don’t you just use the square pan to make scrambled eggs?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:16

      Are square eggs good, though? I’m unsure about it.

      • 3 Angeline M April 8, 2015 at 19:13

        Square eggs are great. Especially for making square omelettes in square pans.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:06

        *laughing* I fear it’s my destiny!

  2. 5 Simply Skeptical April 6, 2015 at 21:45

    I would say the young lady (I’m presuming she was) wasn’t trained well. How could one work in a cookware store and not know what type of pan would cook an omelet? They probably had zillions of choices besides the square one suggested. Look at it on the bright side you can make all kinds of square things: waffles, french toast, umm, well anything it doesn’t have to be round to be good…

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:23

      That’s true. Or, I suppose I could redefine things. Imagine the first square muffin! Or the first square cake. Wait…there’s been square cakes, huh?

  3. 7 Debbie April 6, 2015 at 18:09

    Dear Professor, you need to hang with Domer for a while. He’d teach you fast that visiting Amazon is the very best way to begin one’s shopping adventure (he, too, hates to shop, but I think it’s more that he hates spending money, ha!). Anyway, take a look at the pan you were seeking — http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Dkitchen&field-keywords=omelet+pan&rh=i%3Akitchen%2Ck%3Aomelet+pan (bonus: Amazon ships things to you, meaning you can avoid those distasteful, dadblame malls!!)

    Shnoddy’s proverb is right on today. Leave it to him to summarize things (and that’s different from summerizing them!!)

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:58

      That’s it! Domer is soooooooooooo right. I should have done that, huh? Rats. You should’ve told me! *laughs*

      Ooo…look at that. Two different ‘s’ words. I’m not sure what the difference is the sudden.

  4. 9 John W. Howell April 6, 2015 at 17:19

    The other moral, “never take the advice of someone who doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:57

      *nods* She got me, didn’t she?

      • 11 John W. Howell April 6, 2015 at 22:47

        YUP

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:23

        You should’ve helped me out, John!

      • 13 John W. Howell April 7, 2015 at 19:59

        I would if you had taken me along.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:21

        Well, that settles it. I must needs take you along from now on.

      • 15 John W. Howell April 8, 2015 at 12:48

        Happy to go. First Class right?

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 11:54

        Umm…for sure! If you insist, of course.

      • 17 John W. Howell April 9, 2015 at 12:44

        Car and driver?

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:07

        Are you particular on the car?

      • 19 John W. Howell April 9, 2015 at 20:52

        Mercedes 600SEL or BMW 750il, will do.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:26

        *mouth drops* Umm…how about…an old suburban?

      • 21 John W. Howell April 12, 2015 at 23:13

        Yeah that’ll work too

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:27

        *nods* Well, then, we’re ready!

      • 23 John W. Howell April 14, 2015 at 12:24

        Bag is packed.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 19:28

        Okay then…how would you like to do a story of sorts together? Of course, we don’t have to.

      • 25 John W. Howell April 14, 2015 at 20:53

        That would be fun. How should we start?

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 11:30

        Well…let’s see here. We could maybe put it in the PL. And you could accompany me to some event…of your choosing. How does that sound?

      • 27 John W. Howell April 15, 2015 at 12:11

        Sounds good. Trade drafts?

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 17:06

        *nods* Yes, that sounds perfect. Who should start?

      • 29 John W. Howell April 15, 2015 at 22:13

        let me send you something by e-mail here’s mine so you can respond with yours. johnhowell (dot) wave (at) gmail (dot) com. Excuse the funny way I did that but need to foil the spammers.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke April 16, 2015 at 11:51

        I understand completely. I do it all the time. Plus, it looks cooler. I’ll await your email with great excitement. Thank you!

  5. 31 desertdweller29 April 6, 2015 at 17:02

    I too believe the only thing that should be square are classical musicians. Everything else should remain comfortably round. The Professor is very wise this Monday! …Hmmm, I say you should put some strings on that thing and regift it to Nick as a square banjo. It’ll make him perfectly grumpy.

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:57

      Oh, I’m never wise. Would you say I’m round or square? And you must pick one. A square banjo! I like that lots.

      • 33 desertdweller29 April 7, 2015 at 03:27

        I’ve seen a square banjo, pVJ. I have. You are rouare. Does that explain itself? Hybrids are all the rage. Whatever it may be, it’s quite extraordinary!

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:25

        *laughing* I’m a hybrid! Why…well, I suppose that’s cool. A square banjo? *doesn’t believe it*

    • 35 Nicholas Warren--MPS staff member April 6, 2015 at 20:58

      I wouldn’t take it. :P

      • 36 desertdweller29 April 7, 2015 at 03:31

        I should have known you’d be snooping in! I was merely suggesting an instrument to keep you awake! Harps are off limits to you, Sir… ;P

      • 37 Nicholas Warren--MPS staff member April 7, 2015 at 19:27

        Harps? I wouldn’t play a harp anyway. I choose…the drums! Drums forever. Drums only.

  6. 38 walt walker April 6, 2015 at 15:28

    Well, it mayn’t work for crafting omelettes, but at least you have something with which to konk attackers on the head.

    Also, I think “see here” is a great way to begin a request, especially when you don’t know the person and want to establish dominance straight away.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:51

      That is a very good point. But do you suppose it will be useful for making anything? Maybe tree-drop cookies.

      *nods* True. It gives me the advantage immediately.

      • 40 walt walker April 6, 2015 at 21:33

        Well, why can’t you make square omelettes? I mean, not wanting to make sqaure ones seems kind of…shapist.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:22

        *laughing lots and lots and lots* Well, of course you know I am shapist!

  7. 42 PorterGirl April 6, 2015 at 15:26

    *laughing lots* such dadblamery over an omelet pan! You could make them in a frying pan, I suspect. That is my usual ploy. It is a wonder that the girl in the shop did not suggest it. She either knows very little about omelets or is purposefully obtuse – the little tinker! The moral is a good one, I shall write it on my hand. Shnodgrate’s saying has tickled my brain nicely.

    Shopping is hideous. And now I am hungry, Pah!

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:50

      I bet that little tinker was both obtuse and didn’t know a thing about making anything at all! In a pan. Aha! That’s probably the ticket. On your hand? With a red sharpie? Or a pink one?

      Eating is better. Unless, you’re shopping for knives!

      • 44 PorterGirl April 7, 2015 at 05:01

        She was in the wrong job, I fear! Perhaps she has other talents, aside from pans.
        I only have red and black sharpies, a pink one would be an extravagance.
        Ah, eating. My favourite thing! *laughs* knife shopping would be acceptable, certainly!

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:26

        I doubt–just between you and me and me and you!

        Would you believe it? I have tons of colors of sharpies. Why? I’ve no clue. I should ship those to you as well.

        We could hunt for ka-bars!

      • 46 PorterGirl April 7, 2015 at 19:42

        Goodness, yes please ship me the multi-coloured sharpies urgently! I like the sound of them. Pop them in with the cherry gummy bears, there’s a good chap. I thank you most kindly. (I shall keep Terry away from them – the bugger!)
        ka-bars – now, are they the things the marines use? I say let us hunt them!

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:18

        Okay. And I’ll send you a Patriots cap. I’m trying to send those out to everyone. Or a TPL hat, if you’d rather. You should do some PG shirts! I’d wear one everywhere. (The bugger!)

        They are! And the professor has one. I play with it every other day.

      • 48 PorterGirl April 8, 2015 at 13:08

        Sounds super-duper to me, the more hats the better! And I will send you something English and wonderful in return. I like the idea of the shirts! Or mugs, perhaps. I shall put my mind to it, Professor.
        You have one! Oh, how brilliant! If you only play with it every other day, maybe I could play with it on the inbetween days?

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 11:55

        It would be cool. A TPL shirt. I must think on this. But definitely! Mugs are cool as well.

        You certainly can. I think you’d like it lots.

      • 50 PorterGirl April 9, 2015 at 13:23

        It should have a picture of you and Nick looking heroic on it, I think. I would wear that, certainly.
        How very kind! I am sure I would love it to many deaths.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:12

        With those red plume thingys on my helmet! That’d be cool.

        *laughs* It’s black, too.

      • 52 PorterGirl April 10, 2015 at 05:04

        Perfect! A plume is very dignified.
        Even better, I say!

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:38

        Yes, I love plumes. Hector had one.

      • 54 PorterGirl April 13, 2015 at 11:10

        He did indeed. He probably had several, come to think of it.

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:32

        You know, I bet he did. Bet he was selfish where they were concerned, too.

      • 56 PorterGirl April 14, 2015 at 13:03

        I think so, the bugger!

  8. 57 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 6, 2015 at 15:23

    A square pan works well for a square omelet, I’ve heard. You should try it that way. Don’t become discouraged so easily, Duke. Reading this was quite amusing. I especially enjoyed the vexing bell, the acknowledgement you received over what you were in the store to purchase (your answer made me laugh) and the fact that when you shop you usually don’t. All great moments you’ve brilliantly written.

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:49

      *laughs* Thanks, Audith! Do people eat square omelets? Are they as healthy as round ones? Or triangle ones?

      • 59 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 6, 2015 at 22:52

        You’re welcome, of course. Yes, I believe they do. As often as moon shaped omelets, I think. Or rolled up ones, obviously. Broaden your horizons, Duketh.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:23

        But…do you really think the professor knows about omelets? I mean…I can’t even spell them, dadblameit!

      • 61 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 7, 2015 at 19:48

        Yes, I think he does. Most definitely, actually. Your egg intake is rather high, I bet. One doesn’t need to know who to spell omelet, one just needs to know how to consume and omelet.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:21

        That’s a good point. Well, I should have more than I do. I admit. Do you like eggs?

      • 63 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 8, 2015 at 20:11

        I do like eggs. About every way they’re made, I suppose. Except super runny…that grosses me out.

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:07

        I agree completely with you! If they’re super runny…they’re gaggy!

      • 65 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 9, 2015 at 14:01

        And I don’t want anyone eating them near me.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:18

        Why? I’m sure you wouldn’t get splashed!

      • 67 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 10, 2015 at 00:47

        Yick…what a horrid thought!

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:34

        I know, it’s terrible!

  9. 69 Frederick April 6, 2015 at 14:55

    How can you not love shopping!? Malls are always full of people!! And food!

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:48

      Well, food is always good…but…what do you like shopping for?

      • 71 Frederick April 7, 2015 at 02:38

        Shopping can be a really great time if I hang out with favourite group of friends. I like shopping not for the shopping itself, but for the company :)

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:24

        That’s a very good point, Mr. Frederick. Do you ever get together with them and cause trouble? I think I might do that sort of thing.

      • 73 Frederick April 7, 2015 at 17:35

        Ah I dream of the day I actually live out my wacky plans and ideas. Me and my friends are creative, but sadly, not daring. I’m a fiction writer for a reason. Otherwise I might be doing something infinitely more ridiculous with my life, like having a start-up company.

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:40

        *laughing* I know what you mean. You should dare more! I should, too. But I don’t. Oh rats.

  10. 75 L. Marie April 6, 2015 at 13:13

    Wow. That looks like something for waffles, instead of that pan with a lid that when lowered looks like a half circle.
    I agree with you about malls. I avoid them, because “they want to keep you in” as you astutely noticed. I’m surprised they don’t hire people with cattle prods to guard the exits so that people without shopping bags can’t leave until they purchase something.

    • 76 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:48

      A waffle pan! Is that what she sold me? *growls*

  11. 77 Jackie April 6, 2015 at 12:48

    This post reminds me of how much I hate shopping. Anyway, with all due respect, I have another moral to the story: next time try googling what you want before you go shopping. See this search as an eggzample:

    https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1CHFX_enUS590US590&ion=1&espv=2&es_th=1&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=omelet+pan&spell=1

    • 78 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:48

      *hangs head in shame* I know, right? Yes, that looks about right. You hate shopping too? It’s awful!

      • 79 Jackie April 6, 2015 at 23:37

        Yes I do! It’s dadblamery of the highest order!

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:24

        It is! The highest highest!

  12. 81 FictionFan April 6, 2015 at 12:39

    The moral: So true! Shnoddy is the living proof – imperfect in his imperfection, not to mention pompous in his pomposity. *nods wisely*

    *chuckles lot* Don’t look on it as a failed omelet pan. It could be an amazing addition to your weapons arsenal. Or think how effective it could be as a baseball bat. Or turn it upside down and Nick could add it to his drumkit. Or stretch a few strings over it and play something nice. Or keep it for the next time you want to play tennis and only have a badminton racquet…

    • 82 Nicholas Warren--MPS staff member April 6, 2015 at 13:32

      I am *very* selective with the drums I add to my set! You are purposefully trying to make my drum set sound and look badly.

      • 83 FictionFan April 6, 2015 at 14:33

        No, no, I’m just trying to be helpful! But I’m not sure I really believe you’re a drummer… and the only way to prove I’m wrong is to appear in a vid… *wide-eyed in anticipation*

      • 84 Nicholas Warren--MPS staff member April 6, 2015 at 19:50

        The funny thing is, that there used to be one or two vids of it on the ‘net. But, I think they’re gone. I can’t find them anyway…

      • 85 FictionFan April 7, 2015 at 15:25

        Then you must search harder! Or post them again! You cannot deny your public…

      • 86 Nicholas Warren--MPS staff member April 7, 2015 at 19:28

        If I could find them, I wouldn’t tell anyone. The public is my enemy.

    • 87 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:47

      Poor Shnod! He tries, you know. Long hours over coffee…one candle burning in his window…

      A badminton racquet works just fine for tennis, excuse you about five hundred times! But…I like the weapon idea. I could also swing it about wildly. That might scare predators away, see.

      • 88 FictionFan April 7, 2015 at 15:28

        Hmm… I suspect he’s using the candle to signal spies…

        I was only trying to be helpful!! Huh! You’d never beat Rafa with a badminton racquet, but he’d be so gardoobled by the pan you’d bagel him! Yes, you could paint a scary face on it too – that would really frighten them…

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:33

        Now there’s a thought! He’s a spy. Well, you better go and stop him since he lives in Scotland.

        I think Rafa would probably beat me bad, even if I had a tennis thingy. Best thing to do is show up with a baseball bat. Then no one will blame me too much when I lose.

      • 90 FictionFan April 7, 2015 at 21:54

        Maybe he’s spying for Scotland, though… goodness, we’re in trouble!!

        Bet he wouldn’t if you were playing tiddliwinks though…

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:24

        *laughing* So, it might be a duty for you to take him out.

        You know, I’ve tried that game. I’m awful! Plumb awful.

      • 92 FictionFan April 8, 2015 at 21:09

        For dinner? Or assassination?

        Me too!!

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:10

        Assassination! You’re not allowed to have dinner with him!

        *laughs* It’s just ridiculous!

      • 94 FictionFan April 9, 2015 at 17:03

        Ooh, you’re sounding just like Paul now!

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:25

        Yeah…but…it’s just because I’m jealous!

      • 96 FictionFan April 10, 2015 at 14:28

        Awww! I bet you say that to all the girls!

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:41

        Ha! Yeah no! Funnily enough, I only say that sort of thing with you. I’m ruined.

      • 98 FictionFan April 13, 2015 at 15:59

        Awwww! *melts* Well, I promise you never need to be jealous over Shnoddy! Schwarzy, though… now that’s a different question…

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:52

        That’s okay, if you’d rather Schwarz, I won’t stand in the way!

      • 100 FictionFan April 14, 2015 at 21:36

        *sobs broken-heartedly but bravely tries to hide it* Oh… OK, then. And I hope you’ll be happy with… whoever…

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 11:35

        *pushes Schwarz out of the way* Good then! How about dinner? Just the two of us.

  13. 102 Susan P April 6, 2015 at 12:28

    Or, you could use a large skillet that has a lid. It’s what I do. I used to use an omelet pan made for the microwave, but it just didn’t work for me. Or you could go to a restaurant that specials on omelet. Or you could just scramble the eggs.

    • 103 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:46

      But…you can’t have beets with scrambled eggs, can you?

      • 104 Susan P April 6, 2015 at 21:20

        Any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:21

        *laughs* What a schedule. But I notice that Saturday is excluded.

      • 106 Susan P April 7, 2015 at 17:55

        ‘Tis the Sabbath.

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:13

        Aha! That’s the reason. Very good.

      • 108 Susan P April 8, 2015 at 13:25

        Hey! is that Amelia behind you?

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 11:59

        No! Whatever…no! *hides Susan’s eyes*

      • 110 Susan P April 9, 2015 at 16:26

        *peeks*

      • 111 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:21

        Oh dear…

      • 112 Susan P April 9, 2015 at 22:56

        You know, don’t you, that you can’t fool FEF?

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:30

        I fool everyone all the time!

      • 114 Susan P April 12, 2015 at 23:14

        apparently even yourself.

  14. 115 Nimmi April 6, 2015 at 11:31

    Hahahaha :D This professor is confused or making me confuse ;) ( thoughts of the registers) ;) I guess :P
    I like the moral of this story :D

    • 116 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2015 at 20:45

      Thank you, Nimmi! Isn’t it a wonder how mean she was?

      • 117 Nimmi April 7, 2015 at 16:36

        Oh!! Is she ;) :D I don’t think so ;) :P

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2015 at 17:38

        Should I have beaten her?

      • 119 Nimmi April 7, 2015 at 17:59

        Oh no!!! You must be kidding :D

      • 120 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:14

        Oh! Sorry. Well…what then?

      • 121 Nimmi April 8, 2015 at 18:33

        Nothing!! You just confused her!! She is already irritated with her day, it seems ;) Don’t you think so :P

      • 122 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:05

        Yes, I suppose so. I should have bought her a sucker.

      • 123 Nimmi April 9, 2015 at 12:07

        hahahah :D Well… No comments :P

      • 124 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:15

        What’s wrong with a sucker? *taps professorish toe*

      • 125 Nimmi April 9, 2015 at 12:19

        Hahahaha *laughing uncontrollably* I don’t know ;)

      • 126 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:07

        They’re tasty! Especially if they’re cherry.

      • 127 Nimmi April 10, 2015 at 11:40

        Really??? I don’t have any idea about that…

      • 128 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:39

        You’ve never had a sucker?!

      • 129 Nimmi April 13, 2015 at 12:32

        I guess… I had… In my childhood days ;) Why??? :)

      • 130 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:39

        Because cherry suckers are the joy of life, madam!

      • 131 Nimmi April 14, 2015 at 12:06

        Hmmm….Well, Then I have to try one, Sir ;)

      • 132 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 19:28

        You do! You’ll love it.

      • 133 Nimmi April 15, 2015 at 12:03

        :)


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