The Hunt for Ruber’s Mother: How Things Began

Most every notable adventure begins with someone searching for something. Most every notable adventure ends with someone searching for something, too. ~ Mr. Magi

Things usually begin at the beginning. If this wasn’t true, they would begin at the end, and end at the beginning. ~ V. Shnodgrate

***

Screen Shot 2015-04-02 at 1.17.01 PM

Ruber Salami shrugged. “I’ve got no clue, eh? Should I?”

Sandra Salami—Ruber’s semi-sister (she was adopted, see; maybe Ruber was, too)—raised one eyebrow. “Really, Ruber?” she asked. “You should know.”

Ruber leaned back into his chair, put his boots on the table, and sipped his wine. “I don’t give a togoggin.”

See, this was all taking place at a little food place not far from Prince Beef’s palace. (Yes, there was a party tonight, but I wasn’t invited.)

Ruber and Sandra were sitting at a table off to the side, debating. And maybe this professor was dropping the leaves.

Just maybe.

As soon as Ruber’s boots hit the table, Sandra pushed them off. “Keep your boots on the floor!” she snapped. Sternly too.

“What’s wrong with you, eh?”

“You should care!”

“I don’t!”

“But it’s your family!”

Ruber threw his arms up in the air. “Maybe I was adopted too, eh? But whatever. I don’t want to know who my mother is—even if I wasn’t adopted.”

Sandra was quiet for a moment. “Maybe you were adopted, too…but you yourself told me that you remember a “mother figure.” We must find her.”

And that’s when this professor stepped in—with a flourish of his white suit.

Now, the problem was this: I stepped in as soon as another person stepped in.

We collided, hit the floor, and I was a bit gardoobled.

“Oh my goodness!” Sandra said, jumping to her feet. “Are you two okay?”

By this time, the haze had cleared, the stars had vanished, and the professor could see again. I fear I had knocked a lady to the ground. Dadblameit! She did sorta run into me, though. And she had blond hair, and I had knocked her hat off.

Then Sandra gasped. “Oh, professor!” she said. “I didn’t recognize you. And Lucy!” She turned her attention to the lady I’d knocked down. “Are you alright?!”

“I am fine, which is more than can be said for my hat!”

Oh, stinkpots. It was obvious these two ladies knew each other. This professor cast a glance towards Lucy’s hat. It was…crumpled.

The professor stood, and I didn’t dust myself off, since I wasn’t dusty. I helped the lady I had knocked down to her feet as well.

“That’s one way to make yourself known, I suppose,” she said. “As if the suit wasn’t dazzling enough!”

“Oh dear me…” I began.

“You two,” Ruber interrupted, “are the clumsiest people I’ve ever seen.”

And Lucy fired right back: “And you might just be the strangest, dear chap, but I would be far too polite to mention it.”

I laughed. Couldn’t help it, see. I do think that was a direct hit of sorts.

Ruber just scowled.

“Well, excuse me a few times,” I said, breaking the tension. “I’m going to head back out onto the road.” I stopped the sudden. “I mean, I’m going to leave this establishment. Yes, that’s what I was going for.”

And I was about to leave…but Sandra stopped me.

“Hold on, professor,” she said. “I’ve got a problem.”

The professor looked at Ruber.

“Now, you know,” Sandra continued, “that Daddy Salami adopted me. I’m curious to know who my mother is. Who Ruber’s mother is. Since he’s my brother now and all.”

That was a shock to this professor. “Are you sure you want to know where he came from?”

Sandra shot me a stern look. “Yes.”

“Maybe I was adopted too?” Ruber suggested. “Why bother? Nobody cares who Daddy Salami married–the beetle.”

“Actually, I am rather interested in the fact,” Lucy began. “I heard Sandra discussing it with Ruber before and my interest was piqued!” Lucy seemed quite excited. “I am an investigator, of sorts, and just happen to be at a bit of a loose end. I thought I might offer my puzzle-solving services. I shall only get up to mischief if I don’t find some way to occupy my time.”

And, of course, Sandra smiled lots. “Oh, Lucy…” she began, and this professor sighed.

Oh dear, see. Adventures always turn into mischief and an adventure was brewing. Besides, would Daddy Salami want us looking for his wife?

A scary thought, if he didn’t.

She continued: “That would be awesome—if you would! Really!!! And I’m going to help, too.”

Then she turned her attention to this professor. “P.VJ, your assistance would be appreciated, too.”

“Say no,” Ruber suggested.

“Listen,” Lucy said. “It strikes me that we chaps should work together on this. There may well be an adventure to be had, what do you say?”

“Now that does sound appealing, I must say,” I said.

But before anything could be decided for sure, Sandra stood and said:

“I’ve something to show you all. And it just might convince you to help.”

***

Story written by Professor VJ Duke & Lucy Brazier 

Copyright: Sometime Now or Never

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109 Responses to “The Hunt for Ruber’s Mother: How Things Began”


  1. 1 Jackie April 9, 2015 at 10:02

    Sounds like a sticky wicket to me!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:14

      Exactly and right on! That is what it is. See, I wish I was that bird, the sudden.

      • 3 Jackie April 9, 2015 at 12:15

        The sudden what?!

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:16

        Well, just the sudden overall. You know…I want to go running the sudden. Just the sudden!

      • 5 Jackie April 9, 2015 at 12:19

        Oh THAT sudden!! I got it now. :-D

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:06

        *laughing lots* So sorry I’m dull at times!

      • 7 Jackie April 9, 2015 at 20:31

        It’s okay! I have my dull moments too.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:26

        *nods* Oh, rats, I say.

      • 9 Jackie April 12, 2015 at 22:29

        It’s dadblamery me thinks!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:43

        You know, I think you got something there!

      • 11 Jackie April 12, 2015 at 23:10

        I think you may be right!

  2. 12 walt walker April 8, 2015 at 23:42

    Well, one time things began in the middle for me, and circled back round past the end and the beginning and ended in the middle again. That was an interest.

    Very sorry to hear about Lucy’s hat.

    *eats popcorn, awaits adventurist mischief*

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:14

      *very surprised* That is a wonder. And cool. You should be proud you experienced it, see.

      I know. I should get her a Pats hat like Debbie suggested, huh?

      • 14 walt walker April 10, 2015 at 15:58

        Did she suggest a Patriots hat? That would be my second choice, since they are my second favorite team. I would suggest a Cowboys hat.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:42

        They are? You never told me that!

  3. 16 Simply Skeptical April 8, 2015 at 23:22

    Oh my goodness! This could be some adventure especially if they begin at the end. I’m a bit afraid though. Salami can be a mean one; vindictive too. (Laughing hard!)

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:12

      He sure can be! He might not like it. Maybe he’ll try and thwart us!

  4. 18 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 8, 2015 at 20:09

    Adventures, ending or beginning, are all that matter. My Magi sure is brilliant. Shnoddy must get a little nervous when he has to share the proverb stage with Mr. Magi. I would, for sure. My two favorite guys.

    I’m left quite confused about what just happened. You stepped on Lucy’s hat and now Ruber wants his mother? Why does Sandra want your white suit? I guess I’ll pop some popcorn and see where is story goes.

    • 19 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:06

      Hey, Audith…bet you’d be awesome at proverbs. If you ever want to write one…I’m sure Shnod would feature it…

      Sandra wants my white suit? She does not, dadblameit! I think she wants to know who her mother is, see.

      • 20 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 9, 2015 at 14:04

        Hahaha…no. Thank you kindly, however. Nobody wants my advice. Terrifying stuff. You have far wiser folks to choose from, Sir.

        Thanks for explaining further. She might look good in white if she’s still a redhead. Yes, who is her mother? The love of DS’ life?

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:19

        Hmm…I think you’re mean to yourself. I assure you it wouldn’t be that way, if you ever want to. Promise.

        You’re right: she would! I’m not sure. It’s quite possible. But I think she was adopted.

      • 22 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 10, 2015 at 00:52

        I’m most mean to myself. Works out well that way. Thank you for offering, Duke. I don’t feel very worthy of that sort of proverb knowledge, you know.

        That’s a funny few sentences right there… that’s right. She is adopted. I forgot.

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:35

        Oh, Audith…I wouldn’t say that. Shnod isn’t so mighty, I assure you. You’re beating yourself, I think.

        Laughing me to scorn!

      • 24 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 13, 2015 at 03:03

        The knowledge seems mighty to me. *tries beating herself*

        I’m sorry. It was just so cute!

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:31

        Don’t do that! *laughs* All I’m saying is that you’d be awesome at writing proverbs. That’s all!

        Was not! Nothing I do is cute!

      • 26 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 14, 2015 at 13:56

        Just watch the music video there… *points*

        I think that isn’t up to you.

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 19:36

        Where, where?!

        *holds ears* I can’t hear you the sudden.

      • 28 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 14, 2015 at 20:49

        *gets a fog horn* Not. Up. To. You. Others get to make that call.

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 11:27

        *laughing* You don’t play fair…

      • 30 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 15, 2015 at 14:00

        Neither do you… *smiles shyly*

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 17:10

        I follow a rulebook!

      • 32 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 15, 2015 at 22:29

        *oils up your robotic arms*

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke April 16, 2015 at 11:52

        I bet they’ll fall off, now.

      • 34 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 16, 2015 at 19:36

        More than likely, so be careful they don’t fall on your head.

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke April 17, 2015 at 01:32

        Now how could an arm fall on a head?

      • 36 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 20, 2015 at 03:44

        Sounds professorish!

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2015 at 22:59

        It does. And somewhat fun, you must admit.

      • 38 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 21, 2015 at 03:49

        Yes, always. I never doubted it.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke April 22, 2015 at 14:45

        Me neither. Not a little bits.

      • 40 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 22, 2015 at 21:58

        Makes sense you would agree. Tis your way and all.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke April 24, 2015 at 16:14

        And your way.

      • 42 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 24, 2015 at 21:27

        *bashful look* Yes

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2015 at 20:18

        Which is just fine and cool!

  5. 44 desertdweller29 April 8, 2015 at 15:58

    I appreciate the fact that you didn’t dust yourself off when you fell. I find most people aren’t dusty when they fall. Unless, of course, they live in a desert like myself. It’s quite dusty here; we have dust storms, you know. But in general, and unless it is a western, I say the phrase should be banned! Boy, I got off topic there… I shall stay tuned to this mystery.

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:05

      *laughing* You get dust storms?! That’s so super cool, DD! I want one the sudden, please.

  6. 46 Susan P April 8, 2015 at 15:14

    I’m speechless. You all took the words right out of my nose.

    • 47 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:04

      *laughs* You have words in your nose?

      • 48 Susan P April 9, 2015 at 16:22

        Well, I think I must have. My dad was always grumbling about me having my nose in a book. I daresay that some of the words got into my nose.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:21

        *laughing lots* That’s a good explanation right there. You’ve topped mine.

      • 50 Susan P April 9, 2015 at 22:55

        I’ve got million of them.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:29

        Huff-Hum! Bet you only have 50!

      • 52 Susan P April 12, 2015 at 23:14

        Probably more like half a million, right?

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:27

        Well…I’d still be surprised!

      • 54 Susan P April 14, 2015 at 12:52

        Really? I thought the Professor was never surprised.

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 19:29

        I am every so often…when the moon is high in sky.

      • 56 Susan P April 14, 2015 at 19:37

        Well, bless Bess. You could knock me down with a sneeze.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 19:39

        Of course not!

      • 58 Susan P April 14, 2015 at 19:44

        Don’t worry. I won’t tell.

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 11:23

        Promise lots and little?

      • 60 Susan P April 15, 2015 at 12:48

        Well, certainly. Unless I forget , of course.

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 17:07

        Well, then, please don’t forget.

      • 62 Susan P April 15, 2015 at 17:17

        I think I forgot what I promised not to forget.

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke April 16, 2015 at 11:46

        You! You wouldn’t!!

      • 64 Susan P April 16, 2015 at 12:15

        Wouldn’t what?

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke April 17, 2015 at 01:20

        *taps foot like the other mother*

      • 66 Susan P April 17, 2015 at 01:30

        How many mothers are there?

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke April 17, 2015 at 01:36

        Well, she was…the other one. So…two?

      • 68 Susan P April 17, 2015 at 01:38

        Are you quite certain? I saw 3 suv type vehicles.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2015 at 20:37

        Now, your mustache was blocking the view.

      • 70 Susan P April 20, 2015 at 01:37

        Which one?

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2015 at 22:47

        Goodness! How many haveth thou?

      • 72 Susan P April 21, 2015 at 01:02

        Well, there is my third best moustache, and the red white and green one (for Italy) and there is a fishing moustache which I stole when I was in Portugal. I also have a detachable moustache when I take my pet rodent with me. She has a nice cozy place to snooze. That, of course, is the Mouse Stach.

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke April 22, 2015 at 14:43

        *laughing lots* I want a red white and green one! The professor is, after all, a bit Italian. American all the way, too. You have lots of disguises. Any wigs?

      • 74 Susan P April 22, 2015 at 14:55

        I have a supplier of moustaches (the Italian craftsmen are among the best in the world-good choice) and will dispatch it as soon as the donkeys deliver it.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke April 24, 2015 at 16:03

        Donkeys?! Well, goodness. Do they travel fast? Or take lots of breaks? I heard they like breaks.

      • 76 Susan P April 24, 2015 at 21:35

        It depends on the donkey. I used to know a donkey that could walk and talk and eat with a fork. Another one could sing.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2015 at 20:20

        No! I won’t believe it. Because a donkey has no hands, therefore, he can’t hold a fork properly.

      • 78 Susan P April 26, 2015 at 22:14

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke April 28, 2015 at 20:37

        *laughing too much* Still don’t believe it!

      • 80 Susan P April 28, 2015 at 23:14

        Excuse me, sir? How now?

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke April 29, 2015 at 19:25

        The donkey…was lying!

      • 82 Susan P April 29, 2015 at 22:09

        Balaams Ass did not lie.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2015 at 13:00

        Ohhhhh….very true….

      • 84 Susan P April 30, 2015 at 13:40

        * Nods wisely*

  7. 85 Debbie April 8, 2015 at 14:59

    I love a good mystery! Odd though that neither Ruber nor Sandra know who their mother is (isn’t it more common for folks like them not to know who their father is??). Anyway and besides, I’m glad Lucy is here to help you solve it — I’d just warn both of you to watch out for D.S.’s temper if he gets an inkling to what you’re doing! And methinks you probably owe Lucy a new hat — say, maybe a Pats one?!?

    • 86 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:04

      *nods* A Pats one! Right on. ‘Cause I did sorta break hers. A Pats one! Fantastic idea, Debbie.

      I know! It is a bit backwards. But it’s TPL, remember. Imagine not knowing your mother. And you’re right about DS. I thought he might get cranky. But something tells me we should pay him a visit! *shudders*

  8. 87 FictionFan April 8, 2015 at 13:35

    Lucy’s back! Just remember to stay away from Ruber’s soup…

    • 88 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:00

      Oh, it’s not half bad! I do think it has frog legs in it.

      • 89 FictionFan April 9, 2015 at 16:55

        Eurghh! You can eat it all then…

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:23

        *makes face* Yeah, you’ve got a point. I hired Ruber to cook for Paul in the snake pit.

      • 91 FictionFan April 10, 2015 at 14:27

        Good! He deserves it!

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:40

        Ruber’s way sweeter than you give him credit for.

      • 93 FictionFan April 13, 2015 at 15:53

        He wanted to nuke his father…

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2015 at 11:51

        *laughs* You remember that! Well…that was just because.

      • 95 FictionFan April 14, 2015 at 21:34

        Good reason!

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2015 at 11:34

        See! You support it!

  9. 97 L. Marie April 8, 2015 at 13:32

    I love a mystery! And the search for Ruber’s mom sounds intriguing! Glad Lucy is on hand to help. And of course, Professor, you must lend a hand . . . and maybe a foot.

    • 98 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 12:00

      *nods* If you insist. I can’t help but think Daddy Salami will be super mad at us.

  10. 99 masgautsen April 8, 2015 at 13:03

    Ooooh this is interesting. You’ve got me wondering who she is now. I sure hope they find her!

    • 100 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 11:55

      It would be a wonder, wouldn’t it? I wonder who it’ll be myself. We shall see!

  11. 101 Julie Harris April 8, 2015 at 12:26

    I am on pins and needles waiting for the reveal…

  12. 102 PorterGirl April 8, 2015 at 11:57

    Well, obviously I think that this is the greatest story ever written!

    • 103 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2015 at 12:26

      You were awesome in it, I must confess. Too bad there was a giant cherry gummy bear.

      • 104 PorterGirl April 8, 2015 at 13:13

        Well, I thank you kindly. You are so generous, Professor. Now – isn’t it a wonder that I can find a giant cherry gummy bear but not some little ones? It is a plot, I tell you!

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 11:57

        I think you’re right: it is a plot! Maybe they just make them super huge over there?

      • 106 PorterGirl April 9, 2015 at 13:26

        I am thinking that this must be the case. I will send you and ear, a toe and a nose. Which sounds rather like something out of The Godfather movies!

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke April 9, 2015 at 20:14

        *Laughing* But no blood! I refuse to see the blood.

      • 108 PorterGirl April 10, 2015 at 05:07

        Aha fear not. Gummy bears bleed only delicious juice.

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke April 12, 2015 at 22:38

        That’s quite right. And it is delicious.


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