The Hunt for Ruber’s Mother: Daddy Salami

It’s quite usual for the hunters to become the hunted; there’s always a bigger predator.

~ V. Shnodgrate


Screen Shot 2015-04-02 at 1.17.01 PM

So, as the party was getting back underway, we went after Dr. Zauberer.

And we cornered him out in the hallway.

“Look here,” I began, “we didn’t come here to be your security after all.”

Dr. Zauberer let out a little gasp, and looked from Lucy to me to Lucy, then down at his feet.

“Whatever you suppose you are looking for, I don’t suppose you will find it on the end of your toes,” said Lucy, folding her arms.

This professor had to laugh at that. “Quite right.”

Dr. Zauberer looked up, then, a bit dissatisfied with life, it seemed. “Fine!”

“You see,” I continued, “we came all this way because we’ve got a question for you.”

“An important one,” Lucy said.

“Well, not exactly a question,” I said. And it wasn’t a question. I mean, it sorta was.

“We just have to discuss a little something with you,” Lucy said.

“Yes…” I nodded.

Dr. Zauberer seemed cranky now. “Well now, well now. I don’t have much time. Since you aren’t helping me anymore, why should I help you? Make it quick, or else make it not at all.”

And he put his hands on his hips.

I looked at Lucy.

“It has become somewhat important that we track down the wife of Daddy Salami,” Lucy explained. “Sandra is keen to know a little of her family history. I imagine she wants to know what she has let herself in for, now she is a Salami and all.”

“Hmm…” Dr. Zauberer said, scratching his goatee. “Daddy Salami’s wife? That’s very…” He trailed off.

“Odd?” I suggested, trying to find the word that had eluded him.

He shook his head. “No, that’s not the one.”

“Interesting?” Lucy tried.

“No, still not right.”

“Unusual?” That is a favorite word of the professor, you know.

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “That’s quite it! You both searching for Daddy Salami’s wife is very unusual.”

“Any leads whatsoever?” I sighed. As a rule, Dr. Zauberer is classified in the ‘Unhelpful Beast’ category all the time.

“Even the tiniest of clues,” Lucy said, “could be of help.”

“Well, let me think…” he said.

Now, we were in a hallway, but I already said that. And it was a narrow hallway, with light fixtures that stuck out very far . That made it even more narrow.

But I tell you this, not because it is of interest, but for this reason: While Dr. Zauberer was thinking on things, I sorta banged my head on one of the light fixtures. I think I said “ow!” and spun about.

That’s when I saw Daddy Salami. He was coming our way. Dr. Zauberer didn’t see him.

Of course, that’s when Dr. Zauberer said: “So, I might be able to help you—”

This professor was in shock, so I didn’t say anything. Thankfully, Lucy jumped in, though.

“But never mind about that for the moment, good fellow,” she said, eyeing Salami as he approached.

“But why?!” Dr. Zauberer demanded. “You either want to know, or—”

“Do you keep a butterfly collection?” I asked.

Then Daddy Salami was upon us, and Dr. Zauberer seemed to understand.

“Why, curs,” he said, chuckling, “how’s is ya? Bwa-ha-ha!”

Everyone was silent for a bit.

Salami turned to Lucy. “What are you up to?” His eyes gleamed.

“Oh, I’m always up to a thing or two,” Lucy replied, winking. “But if I told you, I’d have to kill you. Now – how about we have a little dance, what do you say?”

“Shut-up, cur!” Salami yelled. “I knows what ya two been doin’!”

“You can not neither!” I said, defending.

His feral eyes turned on me. “Yeah, I do! Sandra told me. Hahaha.”

What? Sandra betrayed us. Nah, she wouldn’t do that. I met Lucy’s eyes and I could tell she was thinking the same thing.

“Just know, I’m watching,” Salami said. Then he left.

Dr. Zauberer was standing there, hands on hips, very impatient. “Now, this is your last chance. Follow me, and I’ll show you what I know.”

“Lead on,” I said.

“Keep one hand on your katana, Professor,” Lucy whispered. “We could be in for a bumpy ride…”

Written by Professor VJ Duke and Lucy Brazier

Copyright Yes


85 Responses to “The Hunt for Ruber’s Mother: Daddy Salami”

  1. 1 Simply Skeptical May 21, 2015 at 00:25

    Intriguing story. Don’t trust Dr. Zauberer…

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 12:19

      Not even for drinks?

  2. 3 Heartafire May 20, 2015 at 18:01

    “bush-peckered ” …did you make that up? You seem to be obsessing on spankings these days, please Prof. a little restraint! I am fairly certain that Sandra Salami is of Italian ancestry. I am holding tight to my katana, very excited about the “bumpy” ride.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:35

      You’ve got a katana? Coolness! Well, when someone does wrong…shouldn’t they be spanked? Are you sure Bush-peckered isn’t a word? I could’ve sworn…

      • 5 Heartafire May 20, 2015 at 21:44

        well, it is a word from now on, I will be using it a lot…with all credit to you of course. My katana is fairly new and quite lovely. Spank if you must.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 12:16

        Tell me what people think of it when you use it. Wow…what a nice katana. Now go and kill something!

      • 7 Heartafire May 22, 2015 at 14:14

        I would never use my katana in anger, I keep it for display, it was passed on to me by my mother.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 20:05

        You don’t want to play with it at all?

      • 9 Heartafire May 22, 2015 at 20:13

        I keep this katana safely out of reach in a Koshirae. I am tempted to play with but I am not allowed to.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke May 26, 2015 at 18:52

        What’s a Koshirae?

      • 11 Heartafire May 26, 2015 at 19:34

        Hi prof! It is an ornate mounting for a Katana. They can be dangerous in the wrong hands ( a Katana, that is).

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke May 27, 2015 at 19:52

        Ooo…I so want to play with it the sudden!

      • 13 Heartafire May 27, 2015 at 19:54

        Hands off the Koshirae, professor.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke May 27, 2015 at 19:58

        Can’t I have just one swing? Please!

      • 15 Heartafire May 27, 2015 at 20:00

        oh, okay, go ahead.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke May 28, 2015 at 20:17

        *swings* It’s awesome.

      • 17 Heartafire May 28, 2015 at 21:37

        You really know how to handle a katana!

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke June 1, 2015 at 00:21

        *smiles proudly* You wouldn’t sell it, would you?

      • 19 Heartafire June 1, 2015 at 02:45

        make me an offer.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke June 3, 2015 at 14:17

        My hat?

      • 21 Heartafire June 3, 2015 at 21:27

        it’s a deal , is it a pork pie?

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke June 7, 2015 at 18:12

        What’s a pork pie?

      • 23 Heartafire June 7, 2015 at 18:21

        Obviously you aren’t from Scotland. I am kidding professor, about Scotland. I want to get that out there straight away before I dive into a humongous lie. I have never been to Scotland. A pork pie hat is a hat with a flat crown and a brim turned up all around made popular by Buster Keaton. Smashing!

  3. 24 bardictale May 20, 2015 at 13:20

    That was lucky! The doctor sure is quick-witted!

    • 25 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:32

      Isn’t he? What a beast. I bet he hates cherry tea.

      • 26 bardictale May 21, 2015 at 07:24

        You should ask

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 12:23

        He might swing, though.

      • 28 bardictale May 24, 2015 at 18:15

        Then take a good step back before you ask.

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke May 26, 2015 at 18:59

        And try not to fall.

      • 30 bardictale May 27, 2015 at 08:30


      • 31 Professor VJ Duke May 27, 2015 at 19:57

        *bows and his hat falls off*

      • 32 bardictale May 29, 2015 at 12:59

        *takes hat and runs*

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke June 1, 2015 at 00:22

        Hey! *goes off in pursuit*

  4. 34 L. Marie May 20, 2015 at 12:53

    Manothunder. Do you think Daddy Salami really knows what’s going on? I suspect, as did Lucy and you, that he does not. I would have liked to see Daddy Salami and Lucy dance. He was quite rude instead. But he’s usually rude.

    What type of weapons did Lucy bring?

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:31

      Imagine them dancing! That would’ve been a zinger indeed. I think he doesn’t have the class, really.

      Lucy had a stick, I think. And I think that’s it!

  5. 36 Susan P May 19, 2015 at 16:31

    It seems to me that there is a great deal of talking and almost NO action. How can that be?

    • 37 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:19

      Now, now! Look at you judging this poor professor. What would you do?

      • 38 Susan P May 19, 2015 at 20:36

        I would set out some chocolate candy, and tell them to eat as much as they want. That should slow them down long enough to sort things out. Dadblameit, what else can you possible do, man?

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:26

        *laughs* That’s good right there! That might even work with the policers, you know.

      • 40 Susan P May 20, 2015 at 22:53

        No. For that you need doughnuts.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 12:19

        I need about 50, it’s true.

      • 42 Susan P May 22, 2015 at 12:27


      • 43 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 20:01

        Well, I do!

      • 44 Susan P May 22, 2015 at 23:08


  6. 45 LadyPinkRose May 18, 2015 at 23:45

    I feel quite lost here, Professor, in not being here for so long. I don’t know why our paths have not been crossing but crossing they have not. :( As for your weapon, your whatchamecallit, katana, is it really covered in RED blood or is that just for show? I really didn’t follow the story so I am just blah blahing to show you I was here. I’ve missed you, Prof! Yours truly, LadyP

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:15

      I’ve missed you too, LadyP! Awesome to see you here. Of course it’s covered in blood. A true warrior I am, see.

      • 47 LadyPinkRose May 19, 2015 at 22:48

        So I see, hmmmmm …. yes I do see. Since my Life has decided to become a wee bit bloody difficult, my aversion to blood is completely gone. So, LadyP, with quiet concentration, helps you wipe your whatchimecallit weapon with a pink lacey kerchief, making sure all traces of blood are wiped clean. There you go! What say you by the bravery shown here?

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:27

        Pink? Oh no. We can’t have anything pink here…except LadyP.

      • 49 LadyPinkRose May 21, 2015 at 14:03


  7. 50 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister May 18, 2015 at 19:45

    I must say that I feel sorry for Lucy. Following you can’t be easy. Make sure your reflexes are prepared, as you must protect the both of you with that hardly used katana. Yes, seems this journey may get a bit bumpy. Well done!

    • 51 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2015 at 21:48

      Hardly used? What makes you think that, madam?! *wipes all the dry blood off*

      • 52 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister May 19, 2015 at 19:40

        Well, hard to use a katana when busy, I think. And you’re a busy man! * tastes it* Tis dry icing!!!!!

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:20

        How busy am I? I’ve still got time to skip over the stones.

      • 54 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister May 20, 2015 at 11:21

        Well, if that’s the case, you should practice more.

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:28

        In reality, I’m trying to memorize this last piece. Boy is it a zinger!

      • 56 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister May 20, 2015 at 22:29

        I’m sorry. You’ll get it!! I have faith in you, Duketh. Try playing it over and over again… *wink*

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 12:17

        Yes, quite right. Practice performance, I think.

  8. 58 Debbie May 18, 2015 at 17:37

    Nah, Sandra wouldn’t give away your mission…would she? DS was terribly rude to Lucy, though. Who in his right mind would would act like that??

    Nice distraction technique, PVJ — butterfly collection, indeed!!

    It would appear you and Lucy are making progress in finding the elusive mother — if, that is, the good doctor really knows something important. My guess is, he’s leading y’all down on an interesting side road that has nothing to do with her!

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2015 at 21:48

      Oh, that DS…he’s a rapscallion–and you know it! I think he’s really cranky about something. That just has to be it. Do you suppose I should’ve beat him a bit?

      *laughs* Does anyone anywhere keep one? I’m not even sure!

      If he does that…! Why, I’ll bash his brains in I will!

      • 60 Debbie May 18, 2015 at 23:42

        Beating might be a bit extreme, don’t you think?? He probably just needs one of those cherry milkshakes — something like that couldn’t help but cheer him right up!

        Wait, don’t bash his brains in yet! Remember, I said an “interesting side road.” Who knows what a fanciful experience that might be?!

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:15

        Oh, okay–if I must! But I’m in such a vicious mood, the sudden.

        *laughs* I’ll control my killing instincts–but only for the minute!

  9. 62 walt walker May 18, 2015 at 17:25

    Unhelpful beast…now that is something! Although nothing that is any good.

    Will one katana be enough to protect the both of you, though?

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2015 at 21:47

      Well, here’s the thing…do you suppose I should invest in a double-edged katana? I’m wondering if that would make any difference.

      • 64 walt walker May 18, 2015 at 22:08

        Well, I would think that if the two of you are adventuring together, you would want either one double edged or two single edged. Seems you would need at least two cutting edges, I would think.

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:14

        Yes, that does make lots of sense. You could just give me the boomerang, though, and all would be fine.

      • 66 walt walker May 18, 2015 at 22:10

        Well, I would think since the two of you are adventuring together, you would need at least two edges to your blades. So, one double edged katana or two single edged. I would think.

      • 67 walt walker May 19, 2015 at 23:50

        Well, I did give you the boomerang, but it worked it’s way back to me. I’m starting to think you can’t give one away any more than you can throw one away. They always come back. It’s the nature of the thing, you see.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:27

        Yes…but, then, you must at least tell me where you got it from.

  10. 69 Angeline M May 18, 2015 at 14:17

    Unusual to say the least. And, Porter Girl, maybe DS would have said yes to a dance with the Professor. Bwa-ha-ha!

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2015 at 21:46

      *laughing* He would not have! And did you know the professor doesn’t dance?

    • 71 PorterGirl May 20, 2015 at 12:30

      I think you might be right!

  11. 72 PorterGirl May 18, 2015 at 13:15

    Unusual is such an excellent word, Professor. Also – I am a little hurt that DS didn’t want to have a little dance. He is such a bugger at times.

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2015 at 21:46

      *laughing* I think he was really cranky. Do you suppose Sandra is a snitch?

      • 74 PorterGirl May 19, 2015 at 05:17

        *laughs too* cranky is his default setting! Now, if she did snitch I would like to think it was by accident. I always like to think the best of people, you know.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:19

        Personally, I think we should just go and beat her about twice!

      • 76 PorterGirl May 19, 2015 at 22:15

        You are a vicious goose-nubbin today, dear Professor! Alright then – I shall beat her first and then you can do the second beating. If that is not enough I shall just have to bring out my spanking stick.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:26

        A spanking stick! Now that is magnificent. Of course, I could be all wrong on the thingy…and then you spanked her for no reason.

      • 78 PorterGirl May 21, 2015 at 05:20

        A good spanking does wonders and is character-building, so maybe it will do her a favour anyway *laughing*.

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke May 22, 2015 at 12:22

        *laughs about character building* I think you do have a point there, you know.

  12. 80 masgautsen May 18, 2015 at 13:01

    Oh, looks like they might be getting somewhere!

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2015 at 21:46

      Finally, too, you must know! It’s a wonder.

      • 82 masgautsen May 19, 2015 at 05:10

        That it is. With the two of them you would expect even more lollygaging…

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke May 19, 2015 at 20:18

        I know, right? But you must admit, lollygaging has to be a fun pastime. I mean, look how fun the word is!

      • 84 masgautsen May 20, 2015 at 12:36

        The word really is fun! But fun as it may be for the two of them it’s no fun for those of us who want them to find Ruber’s mother

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2015 at 21:31

        Quite right. We can’t use that as an excuse.

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Depends on the day, see.

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