PT News — The Argument

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An Excerpt from PT News

PT News Logo

Vol. XVII No. 22398

“PT for TPL”

Punchy Proverbs

(1) I thought, I decided I shouldn’t have thought, now I will never have a thought.

(2) They say he thought for about fifty years, before giving up the process and hunting for something more illogical to do.

(3) If practice makes perfect, and thinking takes practice, then there’s nothing perfect about the whole matter.

Proverbs by poet V. Shnodgrate

Breaking News:

King Arthur was almost assassinated early this week in the wee hours of the morning. The would-be assassins skipped by his security and entered the royal bedroom. Things are getting dire indeed for King Arthur

Sandra Salami and Mr. Manahanny have settled out of court. It’s said that Mr. Manahanny made Sandra cookies and they made up. Everyone doubts that. Read the rest of the story on Pg. 5.

An Excerpt from PT News

____________________________________________________________

The Argument:

So, this professor went with J. Freedwoppen and Julia Thompson to see King Arthur at his castle.

I took my reporters, see, ’cause they’re trained to write about what they see. That’s harder than you might suppose. For instance, I tried it once.

I wrote about the grass and the trees. The stories weren’t too good at all. Dadblameit.

Anyways, the castle was heavily guarded, and we were stopped at the door. Which was large and brown.

“You can’t enter,” said a burly guard. “We’re in a time of unrest.”

“Ahh,” I said, “sounds like a marriage.”

Julia gave me a look–a reproachful one.

Then she spoke up: “We have business with the king. We’re from PT News.”

“Some say we are PT News,” I said.

It was J. Freedwoppen’s turn to give me an evil look.

“We have an appointment with the king,” he said.

“And what do you want with the king?” the burly guard fellow said, suddenly.

Then I had it. It was time to do what I should do. “Look here,” I said, “we’re here to see the king, and you better get him quickly. Otherwise, we won’t be able to see him quickly. And if we can’t see him quickly, we’re not here to see the king.”

I fear that worked with the fellow’s brain. Threw him off his groove, see.

“Let me get my superior.”

He returned with Daddy Salami.

Now, how Daddy Salami managed to become employed by King Arthur is a mystery. But it happened.

“What ya want?” Salami asked. “I ain’t gonna be patient.”

“We’d like to see the king,” Freedwoppen replied. “Haven’t we an appointment with him?”

Salami frowned. “I don’t know…do ya?”

“Would I lie?”

“Shut-up, J!” Julia snapped. She was losing her self-control.

I’d lost mine a long time ago. Sadly, it took my gumption with it. The professor felt like a yawn, the sudden.

“Please let us in!!” Julia pleaded. And her blonde ponytail bobbed up and down like a boat on flat ice.

Salami looked at her…and thought for a moment. “I’ll let ya’ll in…if you can name me favorite color. Only three tries.”

“Purple,” I guessed immediately.

“Wrong!” Salami laughed. “Hehaha.”

“Yellow?” Freedwoppen tried.

“Wronger!” Salami laughed again.

“This is ridiculous!” Julia yelled.

“That ain’t even a color, dummy! I win, ya’ll lose. Goodbye.”

And he slammed the door.

“That’s not how it’s ending,” Julia said.

And wonder of some wonders, she opened the door and went right inside.

“You can’t come in!” Salami moaned.

“Check this out,” I said. “we don’t care.”

And then, another wonders of some wonders, only weirder this time: Salami let us go.

But it was fruitless, see.

King Arthur ended up being in the bathroom, and quite unavailable.

We waited around for 10 hours. Then left.

What a rat.

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118 Responses to “PT News — The Argument”


  1. 1 Heartafire July 23, 2015 at 13:59

    There are many reasons one might spend ten hours in the bathroom,eg; that is his office, he can’t find the way out, he is hiding from PTN..there are three reasons. I would probably wait for the King, after all, he is the King.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:13

      You are so wise, I must admit. All those reasons are quite good. And it turns out…he was hiding. Would you steal his jewels, though? Like the ruby ones, for instance.

      • 3 Heartafire July 24, 2015 at 12:02

        I am not in the habit of taking one’s possessions but he does have more than his share…a few baubles would probably not be missed you know, I might need that tiara.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:49

        Here you go. Get me some of his chocolate milk, while you’re at it.

      • 5 Heartafire July 24, 2015 at 18:27

        I’m on it.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:00

        Thanks bunches. I’m thirsty.

      • 7 Heartafire July 28, 2015 at 14:36

        smiles!

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 19:58

        *bows and his hat falls off*

  2. 9 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 14:39

    Well, I can tell you that I would not be waiting on the King for ten hours. No sir. What were you thinking, PVJ?

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:13

      I know…but not even the King? Come, come, Susan, you’d wait that long to see a king! Even if he is a small ratty specimen.

      • 11 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 20:59

        Nope. Now if you are talking about an Elven King….

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:06

        Oh, so you would wait for a bratty elf!

      • 13 Susan P July 24, 2015 at 00:58

        Why does he have to be a brat?

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:41

        All brats are elves, don’t you know.

      • 15 Susan P July 24, 2015 at 21:12

        Now who made that rule?

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:01

        It’s a fact of life, don’t you know.

      • 17 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 14:06

        You can’t prove that…

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:10

        Oh, I wrote a thesis on it.

      • 19 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 14:11

        You don’t have to have the truth to do that.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 19:49

        But I got the truth. I’m good like that.

      • 21 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:03

        Ah. The whole truth and nothing but the truth?

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:08

        Yes, it was 99% complete.

      • 23 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:09

        That one percent is going to cost you.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:10

        But it’s our secret!

      • 25 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:14

        I want an ave davit

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 13:36

        Now what is that?

      • 27 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 14:38

        You will have to ask Mr. R

      • 28 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 14:39

        You shall have to ask Mr. R.

  3. 29 Simply Skeptical July 21, 2015 at 22:50

    “We’re in a time of unrest”. “Sounds like a marriage”. Hilarious!!!! Rat & Rat again you’re a funny Prof!! Laughing hard!!!

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:41

      Why…it’s true, don’t you know!

  4. 31 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 21, 2015 at 19:35

    Proverb #1 is a prefect example of how most writers think, I believe. At least I think so, so yea, you know. #2 Keep thinking. Not illogical at all, Duke. Thinking is important. I do see how after 50 years one could and should throw caution to the wind. I hope to do it a lot sooner. #3 Shnoddy thinks too much. Needs a jump in the pool. I agree wholeheartedly, see.

    Jessica has a blonde ponytail! How cute. No wonder you hired her, Duke. Smiles. And she seems feisty. Poor King A. You all bug him a lot. Reporters are known for that, so you’re in luck. DS’s favorite color must be red. Or tis purple.

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:35

      He does. Or he needs shoved in the pool! Throw all caution to the wind! *laughs* That’s awesome. I’ve done so, do you know!

      Red is it! A wonder. Everyone knew save me. Not fair at all. She’s got a blonde ponytail, tis true. Do you like that?

      • 33 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 14:36

        Or thrown under the bus…

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:12

        So far under,too, that he gets crunched.

      • 35 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 21:00

        Never say it. He’s not so bad. Maybe you could get him away from his bad companions.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:06

        But they try and be good, so it’s hard to tell who’s who.

      • 37 Susan P July 24, 2015 at 00:59

        You need a register for them to keep them strait.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:42

        That is exactly it.

      • 39 Susan P July 24, 2015 at 21:15

        Will you rent them?

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:02

        Nah, too dangerous.

      • 41 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 14:06

        Well, yes, I say. But someone must do it.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:10

        George will.

      • 43 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 14:12

        George said only if he gets some crunchy kibble.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 19:49

        He can only have that if he kicks three goals in soccer.

      • 45 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:03

        He said he will sneak up on you some night when you are asleep and chew your ear off.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:08

        Did he really? Why…I’ll wear a helmet!

      • 47 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:10

        He ran into DS in the middle of the night and is taking no chances.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:10

        Goodness. Well, I feel sorry for him, the sudden.

      • 49 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:14

        For whom? DS or George.

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 13:37

        George! Unless, he got DS goodly good!

      • 51 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 14:40

        He has claws that could till your garden.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:20

        *gulps* Now I’m scared.

      • 53 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 20:24

        Make friends with him. It’s the only way.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:01

        I shall immediately.

      • 55 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 22, 2015 at 15:58

        I can shove the best of them into the pool. Just waiting for the chance. *smirks* I’m afraid of the wind.
        Knew it was red, seems there’s a pattern here, Duketh. You choose not to listen or pay attention. I can’t help that, Sir. Yes, tis true, I read it right up there. Sure. Ponytails are nice. I think you like them a lot. I used to have a really long one. Then a blind and deaf woman cut my hair.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:17

        Afraid of the wind? Now why is that?

        A blind and deaf woman cut your hair? Are you serious? *professorish eye*

      • 57 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 23, 2015 at 15:06

        Takes us places, right? Well, it seems so, Duke. She didn’t listen at all and doesn’t know what 3 inches looks like… *shows you with her fingers*

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:15

        *laughing lots and lots* You’re calling her that! Brilliant. You must go back and spank her.

      • 59 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 24, 2015 at 04:16

        *frowns* You’re supposed to take you’re katana to her! Dadblameit!

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:45

        And cut off her wig?

      • 61 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 24, 2015 at 23:45

        Yes! For the record, lets say she had a wig. Cut it off.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:03

        *cuts it off* Goodness.

  5. 63 Jackie July 21, 2015 at 18:52

    I thought of something to write as a comment but now I can’t remember what it was.

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:34

      *laughs* That happens to me all the time.

      • 65 Jackie July 22, 2015 at 12:37

        It’s good to know I’m not alone.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:41

        Not at all. I’m there, always forgetting everything.

  6. 67 Lady Dunamis July 21, 2015 at 18:14

    #3 of the Proverbs was the best out of them all. King Arthur sounds constipated and should think about cleansing his digestive track with a temporary vegan diet. It works wonders…

    • 68 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:34

      I wonder if Art would do the Vegan life. I bet not. He loves his meat, you know. You should ask him.

      • 69 Lady Dunamis July 22, 2015 at 12:38

        Only for a short time. I mean no one should have to suffer on the porcelain throne for hours. Tell him I did it for about a year and it works.

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:42

        A year…I shall try it. If he complains, though, I’m sending him to you!

  7. 71 walt walker July 21, 2015 at 18:10

    All that work and you didn’t get to see him. Such a pity. Unfair, even. Maybe you should have broken in to the bathroom.

    • 72 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:33

      Dick would have. And I should have. But…it might have been dreadful to do such a thing.

  8. 73 FictionFan July 21, 2015 at 16:36

    Somehow the idea of Shnoddy writing proverbs about thinking seems a bit like if Ruber were to give cookery lessons…

    I don’t believe Sandra would settle for cookies. Unless they were choccie ones, of course.

    10 hours in the bathroom? He must be either very dirty or very clean! Did Julia’s ponytail bob for the entire time? How exhausting for the poor girl…

    • 74 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:33

      *laughs* You know you love Shnod to many deaths!

      Maybe peanut butter or…M&M cookies! Everyone settles for M&M cookies!!

      *laughing lots* You have such a point there… Well, I think it did. Back and forth, too, like a pendulum.

      • 75 FictionFan July 22, 2015 at 15:50

        One would be sufficient… *chuckles wickedly*

        Euww! Americans are weird!

        Perhaps she’s clockwork…

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:16

        *laughs* He’s really not that bad of a beast.

        What? You’ve never had them? Goodness.

        Nah…she should just cut it off.

      • 77 FictionFan July 22, 2015 at 23:32

        I wonder if Mrs Shnoddy agrees with you…

        I don’t think I’ve ever even had M&Ms, much less in cookies.

        But maybe then she’d lose her strength…

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:09

        She probably loves him to death. That’s her hubby, after all.

        Never had an M&M?! *laughs a bit*

        *laughing* Nah, she ain’t a Nazarene.

      • 79 FictionFan July 24, 2015 at 16:49

        *tries not to laugh* You’re so… sweet!

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:52

        Whatever did I say?

      • 81 FictionFan July 27, 2015 at 12:19

        *chuckles*

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:07

        Yeah, that’s what I thought! No reason in particular.

      • 83 FictionFan July 28, 2015 at 18:25

        Soooo sweet! *chuckles some more*

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:04

        I’m going to throw a snail at you!

      • 85 FictionFan July 28, 2015 at 23:46

        If that threat was designed to make me stop chuckling, I should inform you it failed…

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 13:40

        A moth! I’m getting a moth!

      • 87 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 16:22

        *stops chuckling and flees…*

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:27

        We must overcome this moth thingy, FEF.

      • 89 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 22:11

        *trembles* How?

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:04

        Well, the first step is to touch one. Once you see they’re sweet, that should help.

      • 91 FictionFan July 30, 2015 at 15:38

        Touch one?!? Are you mad, man? It might bite me! *shudders and shrieks*

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:25

        But they don’t bite! See, once you touch one and see that it can’t hurt you, you’ll love them.

      • 93 FictionFan July 31, 2015 at 14:31

        *faints* You want me to die, don’t you!!

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke August 1, 2015 at 21:56

        You faint at the thought? This is going to be hard.

      • 95 FictionFan August 2, 2015 at 17:03

        Too hard! You’ll just have to battle all the moths for me!

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke August 4, 2015 at 12:12

        I usually just fluff them out of the way.

    • 97 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 14:38

      Or maybe he is drowned?

      • 98 FictionFan July 22, 2015 at 15:50

        We can but hope…

      • 99 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 16:05

        You could send him to Kalamazoo.

      • 100 FictionFan July 22, 2015 at 17:33

        *laughs lots*

  9. 101 L. Marie July 21, 2015 at 15:05

    I’m going to have to go with the third proverb this week. Just because.

    Julia seems to be working out as a reporter. But she could have guessed a color. (My guess is red too or green.) At least she had the presence of mind to barge into the castle.

    King Arthur might have a secret passageway that leads into and out of the bathroom. You might investigate that.

    • 102 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:32

      Just because… *laughs* That’s epic.

      Red. That’s it. Wow. You would’ve probably gotten in! I think she was very cranky about the whole proceedings. Very mad, the sudden. She’s got a temper like Shnodgrate.

      Very true. And it was brought up that perhaps it was all a lie, can you believe. That he really wasn’t in the bathroom at all!

  10. 103 Debbie July 21, 2015 at 14:58

    Okay, let me get this straight. Did King Arthur nearly get assassinated before the visit from the PTL staff, or were you the would-be assassins?? I think it must be Schnoddy’s proverbs that befuddled my thinking this morning, for none of them make sense!

    I hate to say this, but the poor king really has a problem, if he’s spending more than 10 hours a day in the bathroom! Of course, perhaps his assistants were merely TELLING you that’s where he was, hoping you’d all give up the quest and leave, you know. Otherwise, unless he’s fond of pruney skin, or has some other issue we don’t want to mention, he really must seek medical help!

    I’m afraid that even Julia’s bouncing ponytail isn’t going to save the day this time. By the way, what color is D.S.’s favorite? You didn’t say. Shall we guess? How about RED??!

    • 104 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:30

      *laughing lots* Of course I’m not the assassin! Do I look that mean to you? But, yes, he was almost assassinated before we showed up.

      *laughs more* Ooo! Do you suppose it was all a coverup, so we’d go away? The bugger!

      Right on! See, you’d have gotten in there no problem whatsoever. How’d you know?

  11. 105 desertdweller29 July 21, 2015 at 13:26

    It was not fruitless, Professor. I think you found your news, even a headline. “King Arthur Falls Into Toilet Bowl After Trying to Escape Allegations of Wasteful Waste Management”. That assassination was merely a coverup! PL News needs a little more Woodward and Bernstein and less dadblamery. But that wouldn’t be any fun, would it! Now I’m wondering about some of these tags — woogie, nupnup.

    • 106 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:27

      *laughing lots and lots* That’s brilliant! Do you suppose Art would be very cranky about that, though?

      Woodward and Bernstein…now who are they?

      Yes…what do you make of those words? I think they’re stellar.

  12. 107 PorterGirl July 21, 2015 at 11:54

    The proverbs must be particularly wise this week as my little brain struggles to quite comprehend them. Schnodgrate must be getting cleverer!
    Now, I am worried for King Arthur as I quite like Kings. He is probably quite wise to get DS working for him as he is a difficult bugger. I feel he should have let you in, though, seeing as it’s you. Also – ten hours in the bathroom? Arthur must be very… unwell.

    • 108 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 12:25

      Or…duller, you must admit. Those proverbs are different, that’s for sure. He’s a wicked…that Shnodgrate.

      I like kings as well, I must say. Maybe DS volunteered. Which would be odd.

      *laughing* Very unwell! Or dead!

      • 109 PorterGirl July 22, 2015 at 13:03

        It could be my brain, though – it has been rather slow of late.
        I bet DS volunteered – it seems right up his street!
        *laughing lots and lots*

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:07

        He’s definitely wicked enough, too, the brute. It’s his red mustache. Drives him to things.

      • 111 PorterGirl July 22, 2015 at 19:23

        Ah, those things can be tricky. You should shave it off when he is asleep and see if he wakes up all sensible!

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:26

        I should. And…what if he kills me? He might, you know.

      • 113 PorterGirl July 22, 2015 at 20:14

        It is a consideration. Shave him with your katana, then you can stick him if he gets lively.

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke July 23, 2015 at 23:58

        *laughing* Why do I love that suggestion so much?

      • 115 PorterGirl July 24, 2015 at 05:03

        Because it is a super suggestion! Involving a large weapon *grins*

      • 116 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:46

        That is it exactly. Now, time for tea.

      • 117 PorterGirl July 25, 2015 at 12:19

        Hurrah!

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:05

        Indeed!


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