Bathrooms Connect, Can You Believe

TPLStoryPicThis professor is a beast.

Do you believe it? Be honest now, for it’s about half of a truth plus a quarter of one.

Do you? You must answer below and tell me why.

But anyway, I stayed behind.

This professor did. J. Freedwoppen and Julia Thompson went back home, but I stayed. I wasn’t about to let King Arthur’s bathroom gag fool me.

After all, who uses the bathroom for 10 hours?

It was a lie, I’m thinking.

So, after sending J. and Julia home (they wanted to go), I crept back into the castle.

Daddy Salami caught me in the hall.

Now, there’s something you should know about King Arthur’s castle.

Part of it is medieval, but the other part (the new part) is something from a glorious palace. It doesn’t match at all. It’s like taking a cantaloupe and smashing it onto a pork butt.

It’s out-of-place.

And ugly.

But enough of that.

Salami stopped me in the hall right before the castle turned “glorious.”

“Hey, noodle-trout,” he said with a snarl, “what ya sneaking around for?”

When faced with a question one cannot hope to answer, one must tell a lie. It’s a well-known truth.

“I must needs use a bathroom.”

Salami eyed me wearily. “Can’t you go in the weeds?”

I must admit, the professor was caught off guard by that question.

“Really not.”

“Cur. This way.”

And he led me into the glorious part of the castle (white tile floors, white tile walls, lots of huge windows, and leafy things about) and to a bathroom.

“I’ll wait here.” And he took up guard right outside the bathroom door.

So, the professor entered and closed the door. It was rather nice, the bathroom was.

Now here’s the thing: There was another door in the bathroom.

I opened it.

I was in another bathroom, and…

…there was King Arthur!

“You creep!” he yelled.

I fear I should tell you a bit about Arthur:

He’s very small, around 4 foot, I should think. He’s got a gold beard and wears a wig. And…he has a squeaky voice. But he’s strong and very cantankerous. In fact, they invented the word just for him.

“Hold now,” this professor said. “The door into your bathroom from my bathroom was quite unlocked. It was like you invited me, don’t you know.”

Now, Art wasn’t using the bathroom, so to speak. He was seated in the corner, reading a book. (The book was called Sweet Home Alabama. It was definitely abridged and pirated.)

“Why didn’t you want to be interviewed?” I asked.

“Why do you think, idiot?” Arthur yelled. “My kingdom is rising up against me, and…and…I hate PT News!”

They say the truth hurts, but it doesn’t really. Doesn’t sting either.

And that’s when it happened.

The other bathroom door–the one Salami was waiting outside of–crashed open.

“Ya cur!” Salami screamed. “Ya betrayed me…now I’ll kill ya both!”

“Run!” Arthur screamed.

We threw open Arthur’s bathroom door and did just that.

 

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112 Responses to “Bathrooms Connect, Can You Believe”


  1. 1 L. Marie July 24, 2015 at 12:22

    Ah! I wondered whether the bathroom led elsewhere. Glad you stumbled upon the truth. But I hope Daddy Salami does not carry out his planned assassination. He seems pretty vengeful. Really, you should go armed to these occasions. I thought sure you had a katana.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:49

      I know…what dadblamery. Next time, I shall bring it. I’m definitely in need of it, for sure.

  2. 3 walt walker July 23, 2015 at 13:40

    Sweet Home Alabama is my favorite Lynyrd Skynyrd book.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:12

      Mine too! Lots of swearing in those books, don’t you know.

      • 5 walt walker July 24, 2015 at 05:40

        And some tasty guitar licks. Is that the book with Freebird in it? I always hold up my cigarette lighter when I read that one. I mean cell phone. I always hold up my cell phone.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:48

        *laughing lots* Yes, that’s chapter 8, I think. What’s on your cigarette lighter? A beef farm?

      • 7 walt walker July 24, 2015 at 18:17

        Now I do believe that is your most bizarre comment ever, PV.J.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:00

        Yes, I admit that if you inspect it closely it might look a bit odd.

  3. 9 Louis from VA July 23, 2015 at 02:02

    Holy moly…

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:10

      *laughing* Wild, isn’t it?

  4. 11 The Lite Rider July 22, 2015 at 19:38

    So you are a cur for not wanting to use the weeds, ha ha. I think you should help poor Arthur — but only after you are both safely away from DS (as if that were possible).

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke July 23, 2015 at 23:56

      *laughs* I shall escape DS, I hope! I know…DS is so unfair and wicked, can’t you see. Well…you must help us escape DS.

      • 13 The Lite Rider July 24, 2015 at 20:01

        I will help. Crossbow on the way!

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:01

        Perfect!

  5. 15 FictionFan July 22, 2015 at 17:46

    Goodness! A golden beard! And likes to spend his time in the bathroom reading! I think Schwarzy may have competition! But if the book was abridged it couldn’t have taken him ten hours to read it – I think that was just his cover story. In reality, I suspect he was practicising his tap-dancing. You ran away from the sausage?! I don’t believe you! That must just have been phase 1 of your cunning plan…

    The Professor is a beast indeed, albeit a cute and cuddly one…

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:24

      You mean a golden beard and reading in the bathroom is appealing? *laughing lots and lots* Of course I ran from him! He’s quite mean and vicious, you know. He’s a brute!

      I can’t think of one beast that is cute!

      • 17 FictionFan July 22, 2015 at 23:36

        Ooh, yes! Reading in the bath is a chief pleasure of life (though I’m thankful he wasn’t actually in the bath when you burst in on him so rudely)! Yes, but you’re a brute too – you should just have threatened to make him into a sandwich!

        I can! And adorably fluffy! *chuckles and runs off*

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:09

        But…but…how do you keep the book dry? I’m not even close to a brute! Brutes…are like ten tons!

        *thinks about throwing…a snail and a stone*

      • 19 FictionFan July 24, 2015 at 16:51

        I have an ingenious and infallible system – I hold the book up out of the water! Brutes don’t need to be huge. Little brutes can be brutal too!

        *laughs* See? C&a!

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:53

        But…it’d still get wet! You must not splash at all. Hmm, that is true. I’m a little brute, I suppose.

        Was not!

      • 21 FictionFan July 27, 2015 at 12:20

        Oh, I don’t read while I’m playing with the ducks and battleships! *nods in agreement*

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:08

        *laughs* Quite right. Reading must be the boring part.

      • 23 FictionFan July 28, 2015 at 18:27

        *gasps* How can you say such a thing?! You just read the wrong books – take Sense and Sensibility the next time you bathe – bet your skin will be all wrinkly and the water will be cold before you even notice!

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:05

        Something very horrid about reading a romance book in the bath, don’t you know! I’d either fall to sleep in the middle, or purposely dunk the book!

      • 25 FictionFan July 28, 2015 at 23:48

        S&S is not a romance!!! It’s social commentary! If you are disrespectful to my Ms Austen once more, it will not be the book which gets dunked, sir!! *frowns threateningly*

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 13:41

        Social commentary? *laughing lots* From a deranged female’s perspective! Which means, romance! There. That was very brutal.

      • 27 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 16:24

        That does it!! Tuppence, Nessie and I are on our way! Be afraid, sir, be very afraid. Just be thankful we’re not bringing BUS!!

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:28

        You’re coming? Splendid. I’ll get a cake for you. Don’t bring Nessie, though. She might be cranky.

      • 29 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 22:13

        *laughs* I think you’ve misunderstood the purpose of our visit! However… will it be chocolate cake??

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:04

        Yes, it will be. Then we’ll have to play frisbee.

      • 31 FictionFan July 30, 2015 at 15:39

        That’s so not fair! You know exactly how to get under my guard…

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:26

        *laughs* Aren’t I wily?

      • 33 FictionFan July 31, 2015 at 14:32

        Cutely wily!

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke August 1, 2015 at 21:57

        I think the words adorable, cute, and sweet must be banished from the language!

      • 35 FictionFan August 2, 2015 at 17:04

        *laughs lots* But then I’d just have to describe you as indescribable!

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke August 4, 2015 at 12:13

        That’s not too bad at all! How about it?

  6. 37 Simply Skeptical July 22, 2015 at 17:17

    So there was a door inside the bathroom to another bathroom? And the door you ran out of was that another door in the bathroom with two doors or were there more? Who designed this new part of the castle anyway? Must have been Salami and he forgot…about the other doors maybe?? Yes Prof. you are a silly funny entertaining beast for sure.

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:23

      *laughs* There was so many doors. You know, I think the bathroom is a through way.

  7. 39 Debbie July 22, 2015 at 17:14

    Yes, Professor, you’re definitely a beast! Who but a beast would send his friends off, beard the irate king by himself, and escape a furious Salami by outwitting him?!

    As for the king, why, he must really be a mom, you know. Every mom knows that sometimes, hiding out in the bathroom is the ONLY way to get any reading done!! I admire his ingenuity!

    I’m interested in the pretty part of the castle. Is it more like the cantaloupe or the pork butt??

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:23

      Quite right, Debbie! I’m a beast of beasts, and proud of it!

      *laughing* Ooo, he’d hate to hear that, but I think it’s worth telling him. I bet he bites.

      Definitely a cantaloupe. But it tastes like a pork butt, if that makes sense.

  8. 41 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 22, 2015 at 16:17

    Hey! You’re supposed to be brave, fearless and a warrior!! Go back in there, Duke! I feel bad for Art. He needs a friend. Sometimes the best conversations come from inside bathrooms. (I love that you wrote it that way!) Trust me, I have two sisters, we’ve solved world problems by talking in bathrooms.

    Oh, I’m so glad you stayed and went in search. You do have a nose for the news!!!

    • 42 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:22

      Really? Now that is a wonder! Well, I am helping him! Sometimes even heroes run from the rotten, evil mean thugs, don’t you know. I’m just formulating a plan is all.

      I do?! Why thanks!

      • 43 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 23, 2015 at 15:15

        Okay. I’ll watch for the execution of said plan, Duke.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:17

        Just so you can laugh me to scorn!

      • 45 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 24, 2015 at 04:10

        I would never do that, you know

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:44

        Not even a tiny bit?

      • 47 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 24, 2015 at 23:48

        Little bits, maybe.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:04

        Aha!

  9. 49 John W. Howell July 22, 2015 at 16:14

    What are you running from or to? Seems silly to take off just because a cantankerous, thieving, (pirated book), pipsqueak of a monarch says so.

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:21

      *laughing* You speak so much sense, it’s true. Oh dear. What is one to do? Should I have let him die?

      • 51 John W. Howell July 22, 2015 at 23:20

        ow did you know he was going to die?

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:07

        That’s true, I didn’t really now…but…I’m betting Salami would’ve probably popped him off.

      • 53 John W. Howell July 24, 2015 at 13:58

        It was good you ran then. *laughs*

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:51

        We’re still running. I’ve got my katana, the sudden, I should probably use it.

  10. 55 Jackie July 22, 2015 at 16:06

    Bathroom stories are so strange – in a good way!

    • 56 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:20

      But you’re so right. They can be dreadfully scary, don’t you know.

      • 57 Jackie July 22, 2015 at 19:24

        Yes they can and I have seen some very scary ones in my lifetime. It makes me shiver just thinking about it!!

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:26

        Goodness me! Well, think about assassin bugs, instead. They’re cooler.

      • 59 Jackie July 22, 2015 at 19:29

        No! Way too brutal and ugly. I know! I’ll think of butterflies instead. They are so calming and pretty. }}i{{

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke July 23, 2015 at 23:56

        Ugly?! They are not! They’re a work of genius. A true warrior bug! Now, just look at that perfect smiley-style butterfly. I must congratulate you on it. You do know, butterflies never talk to me, and, yes, I hold it against them.

  11. 61 Julie Harris July 22, 2015 at 15:31

    An unlocked door is always waiting to be opened…

    • 62 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:15

      Yes! Thank you, Julie. That’s it exactly.

  12. 63 Heartafire July 22, 2015 at 15:30

    I abhor confrontations in the bathroom. I would rather go in the weeds. I think you handled this appropriately.

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:15

      Yes…but one never knows what is in the weeds…like beetles, for instance. Would you let Salami kill Arthur?

      • 65 Heartafire July 22, 2015 at 19:41

        no, he should pick on someone his own size, I mean four foot one…Salami is a bully.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke July 23, 2015 at 23:57

        *laughing* Salami is! Do you suppose you might slap him up?

      • 67 Heartafire July 24, 2015 at 12:05

        I deplore violence, bullies even more so, I could be provoked I supposed.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:49

        But you’re a warrior, you have to like violence a bit!

      • 69 Heartafire July 24, 2015 at 18:26

        okay, you are on to me…I can get rough. :_)

  13. 70 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 14:45

    Well, bless Bess! I think that someone should find some bloomers for the King or something like that. Make some new friends for him or something.

    • 71 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:14

      I bet he’s friendless, now that you bring it up. I bet he has lots of bloomers, as you say. Probably hates them too, don’t you know.

      • 72 Susan P July 22, 2015 at 20:58

        Laughing so much!

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke July 23, 2015 at 23:58

        *laughs too* Bloomers is a funny word.

      • 74 Susan P July 24, 2015 at 00:57

        You know what? You are right.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:41

        We should ban them.

      • 76 Susan P July 24, 2015 at 21:11

        You go first.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:01

        Done and done!

      • 78 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 14:05

        Now what?

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:09

        Well, that’s it, I think.

      • 80 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 14:10

        You better hope that Ruber doesn’t try to stuff you into a box..

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 19:48

        Why, I’d cut his ears off!

      • 82 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 19:57

        That might improve his looks. What do you think?

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:07

        *laughing* Well…his hair would cover it…

      • 84 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:09

        I think it might be scarier if all of the women in PL go after him.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 20:10

        You mean fall in love with him?

      • 86 Susan P July 28, 2015 at 20:13

        Yes. Can you think of anything more scary than having a pack of crazed women chasing him for marriage

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 13:36

        No, I really cannot. Women are scary, don’t you know.

      • 88 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 14:37

        Oh don’t I know it. Middle school especially.

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:19

        They are in middle school? What about high school!

      • 90 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 20:23

        Yup. And university. Pretty well can trip you up no matter what. Unless you are armed.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:00

        Like the professor!

      • 92 Susan P July 30, 2015 at 13:39

        Wait…you trip people up?

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:16

        All the time!!

      • 94 Susan P August 1, 2015 at 02:02

        Why?

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke August 1, 2015 at 22:00

        I like hearing screams.

      • 96 Susan P August 2, 2015 at 00:52

        Like a hoot owl?

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke August 4, 2015 at 12:06

        I’m something like that, I suppose.

      • 98 Susan P August 4, 2015 at 13:39

        Ëxactly

  14. 99 InfiniteZip July 22, 2015 at 14:09

    Oh my, a double bathroom…kind of like a his and hers? I bet you were in the clean hers one….kind of creepy….I don’t like adjoining doors when going about my reading on the throne…..anyone, and I mean anyone could come barreling in at any time and I would find that, um….creepy.

    • 100 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:10

      Zippy, that would definitely be creepy. Do you keep a weapon handy to attack any intruders? That’s what Arthur should’ve done, see. Don’t you suppose so?

      • 101 InfiniteZip July 23, 2015 at 08:56

        Yes, but who keeps a weapon when on the throne? Someone could get hurt and all….maybe a small poisonous dart thrower though….

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 00:10

        See? Zippy, that thrower is a magnificent idea, the sudden.

  15. 103 PorterGirl July 22, 2015 at 13:51

    Oooh much drama! Who knew that bathrooms could be so exciting and dangerous? I feel a bit sorry for Arthur, you know. It can’t be easy when your people rise up against you. I think you should help him, Professor!
    Also – I absolutely know that you are a beast of epic proportions.

    • 104 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:10

      Epic proportions! Yes…that’s quite right.

      I shall definitely try to help him. We’re running right now, and I’m not sure that’s a good plan at all, you know. It’s a bit odd, in fact. I can’t believe I’m running.

      • 105 PorterGirl July 22, 2015 at 19:24

        Running is a lot of effort so make sure there is plenty of food at the end of it. It is all most exciting.

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke July 22, 2015 at 19:26

        I shall run like the wind and bulldoze some trees. Hopefully I’ll think of something quickly.

      • 107 PorterGirl July 22, 2015 at 20:14

        That sounds like as good a plan as any. Let us hope your brain works as fast as your legs!

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke July 23, 2015 at 23:58

        Well, we both know my brain tends to run way behind on such things.

      • 109 PorterGirl July 24, 2015 at 05:04

        *laughs* your brain is such a wonder!

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke July 24, 2015 at 17:47

        You know, I bet it’s green or blue. Not the normal gray.

      • 111 PorterGirl July 25, 2015 at 12:19

        It might be red! Certainly not grey and most definitely not normal. In a super good way, of course.

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke July 28, 2015 at 14:06

        Red and melting!


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