Defending the Fallen (TPL Story)

TPLStoryPicNow, as soon as I stepped through that door, I saw Ruber Salami standing a bit off, chopping wood.

Both Arthur and I approached, just because. After all, when you see a chap chopping wood, some sort of inspection is necessary.

For instance, is he chopping cherry, oak, spruce, poplar, birch, osage orange, or manilla wood?

As we approached, I said, “Arthur, I’m thinking we must guess what sort of wood he’s chopping.”

“I don’t care,” Arthur huffed. “I’m going to see if he’ll join my rebellion.”

What a wonder. Arthur was already starting his own rebellion to fight the current one.

A splendid plan–for a toad.

We approached to within five feet and stopped.

This, it turns out, was a dastardly mistake.

You see, Ruber saw us approach, and he was in the middle of a swing. He took his eyes off his duty for a second to ask, “What you want, eh?”

And the axe came down. And the axe imbedded itself somewhere in his ankle, I think.

He howled and dropped into a heap, clutching at his ankle.

“Save me!” he roared. “I’ve done cut my leg off!”

Arthur looked disappointed. “You did nothing of the sort. It’s just a little flesh wound.”

“IT IS NOT!” he screamed. “Save me!”

Now, I find that whenever something drastic happens, people have different reactions. Some, panic and run about, some laugh, and some stand there and just think.

I’m the third some.

Ruber met my eyes. “DO…SOMETHING!!!”

“Quite right,” I said. “Let me have a look…”

But at that minute–the very minute I was about to take a look at that gruesome wound, which was bleeding everywhere–we heard voices.

And lo, the current rebellion–I guess the only one, since Arthur’s wasn’t off to a good start–came into view.

About 30 fellows armed with pitchforks, knives, and forks, came marching forward.

When they saw us, they gave a war-whoop.

“Run!” Arthur said.

And he took off.

“Don’t leave me!” Ruber yelled.

Which is funny. It’s probably his yelling that brought them in the first place.

“Are you part of the rebellion?” I asked.

“I didn’t know there was one!” he answered.

Oh dear.

Time to defend. I took a strong, professorish stance, and drew my katana.

The sun gleamed off the sharp blade.

The rebels pulled up and braked just a bit before me. I think they were stunned by amazing weapon.

“If you attack,” I said, “I shall be forced to fight.”

And…they charged.

The battle was on.

I swung and parried and did some twirly things. And it worked–for a bit.

Eventually, I was overwhelmed.

The last thing I remember was…fighting.

Then the professor was out.

Like a cricket in the winter.

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72 Responses to “Defending the Fallen (TPL Story)”


  1. 1 The Lite Rider July 30, 2015 at 19:54

    EEK! I guess the twirly things didn’t keep working for as long as you wanted?! Knocked out perhaps, but certainly not truly out for good, Professor. You will be back to fight another day. Or even come to to continue fighting in this skirmish. Got a big laugh out of Arthur’s starting his own rebellion to fight the current one. ;-)

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:28

      *laughs* I know! That’s Arthur’s plan, too, can you believe. Ridiculous! I’ll be back for a fight for sure!

  2. 3 Simply Skeptical July 29, 2015 at 21:10

    Ha, ha, ha, ha Did some twirly things ha, ha, so funny…Too bad they didn’t work. Winter cricket or not, never fear the Professor and his katana are near!

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:01

      Now, now! They were impressive twirly things!

  3. 5 desertdweller29 July 29, 2015 at 19:22

    Ah, it’s been a long time since the Professor drew his katana. I have been waiting… I hope you weren’t rusty! Or that the blade was…

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:29

      The blade was shining like a million fireflies in a dark room in a closet! Very shiny, that means. Well, I sorta got hit down…horrid, isn’t it?

      • 7 desertdweller29 July 29, 2015 at 23:58

        It is! And I love the description! However, you mustn’t hurt yourself, dear, dear Professor. Although, it might be a good way to get a standing monument in your honor. 10 feet tall!

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:05

        Wow! A golden one, do you suppose?

  4. 9 walt walker July 29, 2015 at 15:05

    *puts smelling salts under PV.J’s nose and tucks boomerang into his pocket*

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:23

      The boomerang! *laughs* Now I have the power of 20 or more men!

      • 11 walt walker July 29, 2015 at 20:18

        Use it wisely.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 12:59

        Well, I never use anything too wisely…

  5. 13 John W. Howell July 29, 2015 at 14:58

    “Stand aside ye blaggards.” *Throws bucket of cold water on the Professor* “Get up my man and continue where you left off. Your TPL help is here!”

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:23

      John! You’ve saved me. Thanks bunches! But…do you suppose I should stand against 30 of these brutes? I’m horrible outnumbered. What would a hero do?

      • 15 John W. Howell July 29, 2015 at 20:07

        Whenever I’m afraid I whistle a happy tune. Give it a try.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 12:59

        Does it matter which tune?

      • 17 John W. Howell July 30, 2015 at 16:32

        Battle Hymn of the Republic works well.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:27

        *starts singing* I love this song.

  6. 19 L. Marie July 29, 2015 at 14:45

    Oh dear! You’ve got a nasty bump on the head and Ruber might have cut off his own foot. I suppose you’ll both wind up in the same hospital room or dungeon. If the latter, I hope there are no rats.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:20

      I know! What is up here? Well, rats and dungeons are horrible. I hope there’s no rats either. Does this mean I’ve fallen into DS’s hands, do you suppose?

      • 21 L. Marie July 30, 2015 at 15:13

        I suspect so. Hope you brought first aid.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:19

        You’ll have to come save me!

  7. 23 Debbie July 29, 2015 at 14:34

    Yikes, this is becoming a bloody tale indeed! First Ruber’s axe-wound, then the Professor felled among pitchforks and such. What a story you’ve got going here — too bad Arthur has proven himself to be like the Cowardly Lion. I’m glad the katana was brandished, but one fighter against 30 doesn’t sound like a fair fight, you know. Wake UP, Professor, before you meet Ruber’s end!!

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:19

      Art sure has, Debbie! *laughs* Well, I fought somewhat bravely. It’s getting gory, though, you’re right. I suppose I’ve fallen into DS’s hands now. I know! I must wake up. Will you splash some water on me?

  8. 25 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 14:33

    You should have axed for someone else to do it. Wood you do it again?

    • 26 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:18

      Haha, how wicked of thou, Susan! The question is…wood you have axed it?

      • 27 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 20:17

        Giggle. Only if you saw it first.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 12:59

        Oh dadblameit! *hands Susan a sucker*

      • 29 Susan P July 30, 2015 at 13:36

        MMff My favorite dadblamed flavor. That is a sticky situation.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:15

        Oh great then, I say!

    • 31 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 21:54

      I think you’ve nailed it, Susan!

      • 32 Susan P July 29, 2015 at 22:35

        I guess it’s time to hammer it.

  9. 33 Chris White July 29, 2015 at 14:16

    Oh dear. Axe. Leg. Contact. Not good. I am standing well away from said battle. Also … what’s all this about cricket in the winter. You absolute bounder.

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:17

      *laughs* Not good at all! Do you suppose it’s worse than a flesh wound? I hate to think I lied to him.

      Well, cricket in winter…you know, it’s sorta like a dead bug, overall. I’ve never seen one winter, that is. *laughs* I love being called a bounder for some reason!

  10. 35 PorterGirl July 29, 2015 at 14:00

    Why is it people always arm themselves with pitchforks when they have a rebellion? They are quite pointy but surely there are more effective weapons available. I hope Ruber’s leg is okay, axes can be rather painful.
    Oh no! Professor down! I hope they don’t eat you or do strange things to you whilst you are out cold.

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:16

      Such a good point! *laughs bits and lots* What is it with pitchforks? They should’ve gotten spears or swords!

      Poor Ruber. But I stood by him!

      Imagine if I woke up without my legs! The cannibals!

      • 37 PorterGirl July 29, 2015 at 19:35

        Indeed! Not enough rebellions are properly thought through, I think.
        Ruber will be okay. He is a tough cookie. This is where you need the Amazing Pants to guard your legs!

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 12:58

        *laughs* The pants! Do you still have the, btw?

      • 39 PorterGirl July 30, 2015 at 13:10

        Terry has them now. He has made them into a nest. They try to nip him occasionally but he makes a strange noise at them and they stop it. The buggers.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:10

        Terry will definitely fetch them out. They’re no match for his beastliness!

      • 41 PorterGirl July 31, 2015 at 12:11

        It won’t be too long before he is actually strutting about in them, I think. They will rather suit him.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:31

        You will have to just take a picture. I’m sure he looks glorious.

      • 43 PorterGirl July 31, 2015 at 12:37

        I think I might, you know. Glorious is the word!

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke August 1, 2015 at 21:49

        I’m quite excited by the whole thing, I must say.

      • 45 PorterGirl August 2, 2015 at 07:25

        Marvellous!

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke August 4, 2015 at 12:06

        *fist thingy*

      • 47 PorterGirl August 4, 2015 at 12:12

        *fist thingy*

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke August 4, 2015 at 12:14

        I love the fist thingy.

      • 49 PorterGirl August 4, 2015 at 12:15

        Yeah, me too! We do it lots.

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke August 5, 2015 at 12:51

        Very true! It’s like our thingy, the fist thingy.

      • 51 PorterGirl August 5, 2015 at 13:14

        Our thingies are the greatest.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke August 6, 2015 at 20:41

        They are better than the greatest toad, I say.

      • 53 PorterGirl August 7, 2015 at 04:09

        Aha! That they are. And the greatest toad is pretty great.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke August 7, 2015 at 20:35

        And bloated like.

      • 55 PorterGirl August 8, 2015 at 06:24

        Like me.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke August 9, 2015 at 18:17

        *laughs* Nooooo!

  11. 57 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 13:58

    Oh, no!! This can’t be! The Professor is invincible! *stands behind him and sings the battle song of Barsoom* Arise, my brave warrior, my bonny laddie – give the great battle-cry of the Clan McDuke… “Hoots! Cower, ye wee tim’rous beasties, ye!” – and have at them! And if that doesn’t work, throw Ruber’s foot at them…

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke July 29, 2015 at 19:15

      *laughing lots* Dejah! Hoots is such an interesting word. Is it like a swear word? Hoots? As soon as I wake back up, I shall wage war on them like never before. Are you sure you don’t want to have a hand in the fighting instead of singing?

      Poor Ruber! You didn’t even care!!

      • 59 FictionFan July 29, 2015 at 22:08

        No it is not! Would Dejah swear? It kinda means ooh! But more warriorish.

        You shall! You will be so heroic even John Carter couldn’t compete! Your katana will move so fast the rebels will see only a flashing blur… *laughs* I thought I better stick to the girly bit in case I upset you again…

        I do care!! A bit.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke July 30, 2015 at 13:02

        Yes! I bet Dejah had a foul mouth, don’t you know. She’d let it out, the sudden, and startle John.

        *laughs* Well, if you want…you can be like Darth Maul. That’s too fun not to let someone do it. That’s who I’d be. Maul.

        Now if it was Schwarz…

      • 61 FictionFan July 30, 2015 at 15:33

        Bet she didn’t till she met John! We know how badly men swear when they go to Mars…

        Goodness! Yes! I’d like to be him! But…could I please keep my hair?

        My Schwarzy would never be so silly! I bet he’s a skilled axeman!

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke July 31, 2015 at 12:22

        Oh men do not! Ohhhhhhh…you mean Mark Watney! Well, he had good reason to swear!

        Doesn’t he have hair? Like little spiked hair or something?

        Schwarz? Bet he doesn’t know a knife from an axe!

      • 63 FictionFan July 31, 2015 at 14:24

        There is never a good reason to swear! *nods head sententiously* Though those potatoes would have been a great temptation, I admit!

        Oh… I thought they were horns…

        It’s so lovely that your still soooo jealous of my adorable Schwarzy. It makes me proud!

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke August 1, 2015 at 21:55

        But MT said swearing alleviates anxiety. Plus, it shocks everyone!!

        That’s just like hair, only better, ’cause you don’t have to care for it!

        Proud? Of what, madam?

      • 65 FictionFan August 2, 2015 at 16:59

        Hmm… I am oddly unswayed by the opinion of that creature! Yes, shocks them into a state of bored tedium!

        But you also can’t dye it when you feel like a change…

        Of Schwarzy, of course!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke August 4, 2015 at 12:11

        Aw. It’s sad you hate him. Swearing isn’t boring!

        You know, I don’t think I could ever dye mine.

        Of course!!

      • 67 FictionFan August 4, 2015 at 16:40

        Well, you hate Dickens, so we’re even! Perhaps you haven’t heard as much of it in your life as I have in mine. So I’ll leave you to indulge in it without me, sir!

        Oh, you could! Purple would look great on you!

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke August 5, 2015 at 12:59

        I don’t hate Dickens…I love Dickens. Oh you should’ve been on the battlefield at Troy!

        Nah, my hair’s too dark.

      • 69 FictionFan August 5, 2015 at 15:25

        How’s Bleak House coming along? *chuckles and runs off*

        Bleach it first…

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke August 6, 2015 at 20:48

        It came all the way along and then died!

        I’m not sure how!!

      • 71 FictionFan August 6, 2015 at 23:05

        You don’t mean you’ve given up?! After all the time you’ve invested in it… *chortles*

        Ask Kenny – bet he knows!

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke August 7, 2015 at 20:31

        Oh, I still invest some time in it–every so often.

        He doesn’t dye his hair!


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