Trouble at the Library (Off the Grid)

OfftheGridPic

So, here it is: The professor went to a bookstore. Or library.

I went to search for a book.

And I ended up getting a different book.

Unknown

That’s how it works. Libraries are traps: they suck you in, knowing full well they don’t have the book you’re looking for. Then, when desperation sets in ’cause you can’t find the book, you settle for a worse book.

Dadblame the system. Someone must rebel.

But anyways and a few.

This professor took the book to the counter.

“Okay,” I said to the attendant, “this is what I’ve chosen. Wow.”

And I placed it there straightforward like.

“Do you have a library card?” the assistant asked.

Now, the assistant had frizzy hair that stuck out in all directions, sorta like this:

0_61_kenny_g

Only it was red or orange or blonde (couldn’t tell) and she was a she.

“A library card…” I mumbled. “Do you suppose I need one, the sudden?”

She looked at me as if to say, Really?!

I was in earnest, in truth.

“Why don’t you look and see if you have it?” she suggested. She was clearly the impatient type.

So, this professor popped out his wallet from the back pocket. You know, that’s how we do it: We pop out, us men. We don’t slip it out or anything like that. It’s not a slow process. It just ‘pops’ out.

Then I began to go through the cards. Now, this professor doesn’t have many cards, mainly, ’cause many won’t fit.

“It’s easy to spot,” she sighed. “Completely green.”

“Oh…” I said, still looking.

“Only an idiot would have trouble finding it.”

Then, I broke out into a cold sweat. I didn’t have it, dadblameit.

This professor did have a paper green card, though. It was a pale green. From an amusement park, I think.

I handed that over. Maybe I’d fool her. As I handed it, I felt spicy and so clever.

She just looked at me. “Nope. I don’t see how someone could mistake our card for any other card!”

Now I was mad. Mad that I had been tricked into caring whether or not I got a book I didn’t really want. Mad that I didn’t have the card. Mad that she wouldn’t give me the book. And mad at the overall story of the library.

So, I was vicious.

“I know how they can mistake your card for another card!” I said. “The same way someone could mistake your hair color for being one exact color!”

And I stormed out.

Moral of the story: Libraries hate you.

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125 Responses to “Trouble at the Library (Off the Grid)”


  1. 1 Simply Skeptical August 23, 2015 at 20:06

    Hee, hee, that’s too funny. Big deal “Library Card” indeed! Let them keep the dusty worn things anyway….

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:58

      Quite right! And all those little bugs inside them…

  2. 3 Nancy Loderick August 23, 2015 at 16:40

    Well Professor,

    I guess you won’t be going back there anytime soon. Or maybe you can sneak back when a different librarian is on duty. Maybe this one will have normal hair and be nice. Heck, she may even let you get a new library card so you can take out books!

    Nancy
    P.S. Just remember not to insult her hair!

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:58

      Yes, I shouldn’t have insulted her! But she was mean. I mean, a ticket should work. A cards a card after all. Not too important, see.

      • 5 Nancy Loderick August 24, 2015 at 20:24

        Hi Professor,

        Well, maybe next time, you can accidentally knock off her glasses so she can’t see exactly what’s on your card. All librarians wear glasses, don’t they? It’s all part of the librarian dress code.

        Nancy

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke August 25, 2015 at 13:17

        You’re right! Bang! Knock it right off.

  3. 7 The Lite Rider August 20, 2015 at 23:07

    I laughed so hard at your retort! However, since libraries are full of amusement, that card should have worked!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:42

      It was mean, I know, but she deserved it! I think I should bring her a cake. Lighten the mood, see.

      • 9 The Lite Rider August 21, 2015 at 22:21

        Oh yes, a cake! May I have a piece, too?

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke August 22, 2015 at 17:25

        You may have…two!

  4. 11 Debbie August 20, 2015 at 23:07

    Seriously, Professor? Domer has had a library card (and so have I) since we were wee ones! Of course, now we both do some reading online, so it’s probably not as crucial, but still. Ours are FREE, so it’s not like having one costs a lot of money. But that poor librarian! Saddled with hair something like Kenny G’s would be enough to ruin anyone’s day!! She was probably just jealous of yours, you know!

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:42

      My hair? Really? Don’t you think Kenny has way better hair than mine? I think so. I need to get his do!

      Free cards? You cheaters! You could’ve at least given me one. Or she should’ve mentioned that they were free! Rats.

      • 13 Debbie August 21, 2015 at 00:45

        Definitely NOT!! His looks like a rat’s nest! Can you imagine trying to run a brush through those curls? Me, neither!

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 16:51

        Well, but I bet he doesn’t have to brush! Which, you must admit, is a plus.

  5. 15 L. Marie August 20, 2015 at 20:02

    Now that I’m finally back online after almost two weeks, I’m see I have a lot of catching up to do. My my your librarian has the look of Kenny G. Is this person a musician as well?

    Good thing you carry green cards around. They come in handy I see.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:41

      Hi Linda! So good to see you back. How’ve you been? You know, I bet she couldn’t even toot a toot!

      They do. But I doubt I could even get back in the amusement park, you know.

  6. 17 John W. Howell August 20, 2015 at 18:49

    I would think the amusement park card should have been quite enough. It shows humor which is sometimes missing from Librarian’s lives.

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:39

      *laughs* Quite right! I bet she’s never been on a rollercoaster, John.

  7. 19 Lady Dunamis August 20, 2015 at 14:08

    Be thankful you didn’t need to use the dewy decimal system. It could have been a lot worse.
    I am fully persuaded that this impatient multicolored haired librarian is a bit perturbed that libraries are becoming extinct. An endangered brick and mortar dinosaur ya know.
    And as for this “pop out thing,” is this uniquely male? I wonder what do women do, slide it out? Quite an interesting social observation, wouldn’t ya say?

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:37

      Dewy decimal system! That’s a scary system, isn’t it, Lady?

      Are they really? I bet she was just attacking everyone who came through the door. In fact, I bet she’s an evil spy from Russia!

      *laughs* Yes…I’d say slide or simply take. We pop it out. Jealous a bit, aren’t you?

      • 21 Lady Dunamis August 21, 2015 at 01:39

        Ha! Totally jealous.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 16:54

        I’m sure you could learn it…

  8. 23 babysteps22 August 20, 2015 at 13:42

    “We pop out, us men”? Hahaha! An amusement card is close enough to a library card. Maybe she got her hair dye mixed up and was cranky?

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:34

      But we do! You know it’s true, too, don’t you?

      Ooo, good point! Bet she did. Now wonder she was cranky. She just shouldn’t dye her hair, I say.

  9. 25 desertdweller29 August 20, 2015 at 13:36

    Is that Kenny G, Professor? You know I can’t resist his smooth jazz. …Also, I’m quite sure the librarian may be related to Trump. No one can define his hair color either… She really should have taken your amusement card. Nothing says how serious one is about books than an amusement card. In truth, that’s the truth.

    • 26 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:33

      It is! I love his music, too, DS. Favorites?

      You’re right on! *laughs* You really like Trump’s hair, don’t you?

      • 27 desertdweller29 August 21, 2015 at 04:06

        I know… I’ll stop being hacky about that.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 16:55

        *laughs* No, DD! It’s funny.

      • 29 desertdweller29 August 21, 2015 at 18:55

        But it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. I must refrain. Even if there is a category 5 windstorm attached to his scalp.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke August 22, 2015 at 17:23

        *laughing* I just heard him say it was real…

      • 31 desertdweller29 August 22, 2015 at 17:49

        Yes, but it’s like spinning cotton candy. You only start with a teaspoon of sugar to whip it into a full nest. Ha. It’s amazing what one can do with three hairs…

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:40

        *laughing lots* You, DD, are hilarious! I think I agree with you, too, the sudden. He’s only got three hairs.

  10. 33 walt walker August 20, 2015 at 13:06

    Wow, that was one spicy librarian. That bit about only idiots not being able to find it. Wowawee. Quite a zinger. I’m surprised you didn’t cut her hair in anger, or some such.

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:31

      I controlled myself, Walt. But it was hard. I bet you would’ve boomeranged her.

  11. 35 Susan P August 20, 2015 at 13:02

    Good grief. My problem, though, is that I can lose stuff when I’m handing right in the palm of my hand.

    You know, the librarian puts me in mind of a pop singer from the 60’s who played the UKULELE. Weird sort of chap. He sang about tiptoing through the tulips…

    http://www.biography.com/people/tiny-tim-251027

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:30

      You can? Now, what sort of things.

      *laughs* I know him! Doesn’t he look like that weird Al fellow?

      • 37 Susan P August 21, 2015 at 10:53

        Didn’t sound like him, though.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 17:00

        You’re exactly right. Sound. Quite right.

      • 39 Susan P August 22, 2015 at 12:13

        Sounds like some fellow who plays guitar by the name of Vince.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke August 22, 2015 at 17:30

        I don’t know no fool named Vince, the sudden…

      • 41 Susan P August 22, 2015 at 18:10

        Ah, yes, your magical memory. Now you have it, now you don’t

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:41

        Mostly I don’t, I fear.

      • 43 Susan P August 24, 2015 at 22:01

        Now then…you just told me you fear when you sing….?

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke August 25, 2015 at 13:19

        Umm…uh…oh you’re wicked today!

      • 45 Susan P August 25, 2015 at 13:23

        Every day. Mostly you don’t notice.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke August 25, 2015 at 13:33

        But I notice all things!!

      • 47 Susan P August 25, 2015 at 13:35

        Except what you don’t.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke August 26, 2015 at 12:04

        Blah hoot!

      • 49 Susan P August 26, 2015 at 12:08

        Are you imitating a sick owl?

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke August 26, 2015 at 12:24

        Come now, there are no sick owls!

      • 51 Susan P August 26, 2015 at 13:11

        I’ve seen a sick eagle. Does that count?

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke August 26, 2015 at 20:52

        Did it die?

      • 53 Susan P August 28, 2015 at 00:36

        One did, and one did not.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke August 28, 2015 at 12:57

        Well, that is a good thing.

      • 55 Susan P August 28, 2015 at 13:23

        Except that in general, eagles mate for life, and if their mate does or is killed, they grieve themselves to death.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke August 31, 2015 at 19:43

        They do? You’re pulling my leg.

      • 57 Susan P August 31, 2015 at 20:42

        No, I am serious.
        http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/photos/11-animals-that-mate-for-life/bald-eagles

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke September 1, 2015 at 11:44

        Now that is incredibly cool, Ms. Susan.

      • 59 Susan P September 1, 2015 at 14:36

        I learned that watching Macgyver. That and lot of other stuff about physics.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke September 1, 2015 at 21:34

        I like this chap, the sudden.

      • 61 Susan P September 2, 2015 at 00:13

        He is very cool.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke September 2, 2015 at 18:43

        Yes…but he needs to do more pull-ups.

      • 63 Susan P September 2, 2015 at 20:31

        He needs to lose the mullet.

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 12:50

        Yes, that will help too. Here’s a shaver.

      • 65 Susan P September 3, 2015 at 13:25

        I’m not going to shave him. That is your job.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:02

        He might get violent!

      • 67 Susan P September 4, 2015 at 01:01

        And your point is?

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:11

        I could get in bodily trouble!

      • 69 Susan P September 5, 2015 at 13:26

        To be or not to be?

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke September 7, 2015 at 15:31

        To eat or not to eat.

      • 71 Susan P September 7, 2015 at 21:35

        To swim or not to swim.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke September 8, 2015 at 12:45

        Not to swim. *nods*

      • 73 Susan P September 8, 2015 at 14:59

        How about a hot air balloon?

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke September 9, 2015 at 12:59

        I would do that, aye.

      • 75 Susan P September 9, 2015 at 13:33

        Are you going to be the ref?

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke September 10, 2015 at 12:50

        Yes, aren’t you excited?

      • 77 Susan P September 10, 2015 at 13:18

        Why would I be excited?

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2015 at 12:23

        Because I cheat lots.

      • 79 Susan P September 12, 2015 at 14:40

        Psh

  12. 80 FictionFan August 20, 2015 at 12:48

    *recoils in horror* Good noodles, sir! You could at least have put a warning at the top of the page! Nervous people throughout the world will now be cowering behind their sofas, whimpering and checking that their shampoo contains defrizzer! *checks and sighs with relief* The woman was dreadfully rude to you, but one can’t help but feel sorry for her – what a burden to look in the mirror every morning and discover one looks like Kenny! It would be enough to make one snort!

    It’s good, though, that Mr G can still smile despite the energy that hairdo must consume. Don’t you think he just needs some nice red lipstick to make him look like Jack?

    I’m so surprised the library didn’t have the book you were looking for – most of them have all the works of Ms Austen…

    • 81 Susan P August 20, 2015 at 13:05

      It depends on the library. I expect libraries to become extinct any year now. You’ll be lucky if you find a Kindle in the ether next.

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:30

        I’ll keep vigilant watch on my library.

      • 83 Susan P August 21, 2015 at 10:54

        Yes. You never know what the PLers will be up to.

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 17:01

        Some sort of dadblamery.

      • 85 Susan P August 22, 2015 at 12:12

        Well, that is a given. I hear a rumor that Ruber is taking a holiday.

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke August 22, 2015 at 17:29

        Oh no…where’s he going?

      • 87 Susan P August 22, 2015 at 18:13

        Well, it’s only a rumor, doncha know? But rumor has it he’s getting read to add another arrow to his bow.

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:41

        You mean he’s out shopping?

      • 89 Susan P August 24, 2015 at 22:00

        More like another business of some sort.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke August 25, 2015 at 13:18

        Stealing?

      • 91 Susan P August 25, 2015 at 13:21

        More like tourism.

    • 92 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:29

      *laughs* I know! Isn’t that a shocking picture? I’m almost this sure that was photoshopped. He can’t be that…that…that interesting looking! Yes…but in all fairness, isn’t that her problem? Why take it out on the innocent, dull professor? I should’ve slapped her once then twice!

      *laughs* Did Jack have red lipstick?

      You know, I heard someone just say Austen was the best sort of romance. *laughs belittlingly*

      • 93 FictionFan August 21, 2015 at 18:15

        Terrifying! If I’d had a bit of chocolate in my mouth I could have accidentally choked! Well… I hesitate to be critical.. but it doesn’t seem altogether unreasonable of her to have expected you to produce your library card, sir! Just sayin’…

        In Joker mode, I was thinking.

        And you probably believed it… *laughs belittlingly*

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke August 22, 2015 at 17:17

        Glad you didn’t choke! But I never keep any of my cards with me. Isn’t it a dadblame nuisance? You know it is!

        You’re quite right. Heath’s better!

        *laughing lots* You ripper you!

  13. 95 PorterGirl August 20, 2015 at 12:16

    Ahem – “You know, that’s how we do it: We pop out, us men.” Yes, I have heard that, in fact. It is something us ladies need to keep an eye on.
    What a truly dadblame irritating experience this must have been. At least you didn’t have to leave with a book you didn’t really want. Maybe you should have just smuggled it out, after all.

    • 96 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:27

      *laughing lots* Now why is that? Are you thinking of stealing wallets? *professorish eye*

      I should’ve smuggled a whole bookcase, I’m thinking. As soon as I came in, I saw her watching me with disdain. I should have had a water balloon.

      • 97 PorterGirl August 21, 2015 at 07:27

        No, no! Not the Professorish eye! *hides*. I would never consider anything quite so naughty as that. Or maybe, in fact, it is not naughty enough!

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 16:59

        *laughs* When the professorish eye happens, it sorta bulges out a bit, I think.

      • 99 PorterGirl August 22, 2015 at 07:30

        Beware the thing that bulges out – it is looking for trouble!

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke August 22, 2015 at 17:27

        *laughs* You might have a point there. I wonder if they could both bulge at once?

      • 101 PorterGirl August 23, 2015 at 14:52

        Nooooo! That would be too terrifying! I promise I will be good.

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:51

        They might even pop! And that would terrify me.

      • 103 PorterGirl August 25, 2015 at 06:04

        Oh my goodness. That is reason enough to limit the usage of the professorish eye…

      • 104 Professor VJ Duke August 25, 2015 at 13:25

        Isn’t it, though? I’ve just gone and scared myself.

      • 105 PorterGirl August 25, 2015 at 13:37

        Do not fear *swish swish* the tail is here!

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke August 26, 2015 at 12:07

        What a great saying! *swish*

      • 107 PorterGirl August 26, 2015 at 12:32

        It is my new catchphrase *ruffle*

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke August 26, 2015 at 20:49

        I will steal it!

      • 109 PorterGirl August 27, 2015 at 06:16

        Pah! And a good catchphrase is so hard to come by these days… *laughs*

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke August 27, 2015 at 12:37

        I’ll leave you with half, though!

      • 111 PorterGirl August 27, 2015 at 12:41

        Thank you very much! But which half? I bet the half with the tail! *laughs*

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke August 27, 2015 at 12:41

        Yes! Otherwise, I might get a tickle and you know it!

      • 113 PorterGirl August 27, 2015 at 12:43

        Always trying to escape the tickle! *shakes fist*

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke August 27, 2015 at 20:33

        Oh yes! My duty, see.

      • 115 PorterGirl August 28, 2015 at 06:15

        Pah. It will catch up with you one day, my fine fellow. You wait and see!

      • 116 Professor VJ Duke August 28, 2015 at 12:58

        But until then… *laughs victoriously*

      • 117 PorterGirl August 28, 2015 at 13:06

        *shakes fist*

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke August 31, 2015 at 19:41

        Haha!

  14. 119 RaineFairy August 20, 2015 at 12:11

    Haha! Enjoyed reading this :)

    • 120 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 00:26

      Why thanks bunches! Now…what do you think of that library attendant?

      • 121 RaineFairy August 21, 2015 at 04:43

        Well, I would say she’s great at her job. She should be commended… rewarded even for her dutiful, prompt, and truly strict way of doing her work.
        And you… you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to trick her! LOL

      • 122 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2015 at 16:56

        *laughing lots* Rats! Maybe you do have a point there, RF. Makes me seem beastly and the bad guy, which isn’t a bad thing, you know.

      • 123 RaineFairy August 23, 2015 at 13:17

        ;)

      • 124 RaineFairy August 23, 2015 at 13:21

        Not really beastly. You’re like the Resident Naughty Campus Figure who gets away with almost anything… except with Ms. Terror Librarian.

      • 125 Professor VJ Duke August 24, 2015 at 19:49

        Yes, quite right! She stopped me in my tracks. *shudders*


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