The Sub & Other Smashing Matters (TPL Story)

So, this professor had a sub.


It was still in a box, but it was a sub. After all, being in a box can’t change what a thing is. If it could, why, this professor might be a box.

This is the type of box I’d be. Bruised with bruises from a war of some sort.

Now, as I was standing in the driveway, contemplating undoing the box and seeing the sub–better to undo boxes than rip them up–Daddy Salami approached, with a wicked smile on his lips.

For those of you who don’t know Salami, he is a portly chap with red hair and a red beard. And green eyes.

“What ya got there, cur?” he said, banging on the box.

There was a resounding clang.

“This,” I said proudly, “is my new sub, don’t you know.”

“A sub?” Salami’s eyes squinted, or the lids moved a bit closer. “You’re a bigger dummy than I thought, heha.”

And I felt I should tell the whole truth. Why? I’m not sure. I’m a bit dull, I suppose.

“I actually sold my news company to buy it.”

He just stared at me. Then laughed.

“Hehaha! Ya dummy. But, hey, I’ll help you out. How much for yer sub? I think Ruber, me son, would benefit from learning how to drive a sub.”

“What will you give for it?” I asked. “Walt Walker and desertdweller29 offered two boomerangs and five cherry suckers and $50,000.”

Salami’s face fell. “Ya cur! I want it for free.”

“The only thing you’re entitled to here is a handshake. Good day, beautiful.”

Now, that was a mistake. Salami left. And I was still having thinks about how to go about opening the sub, when he returned. In a garbage truck. Riding straight for me.

I tried to wave him off. Ask him to stop. Even draw my katana and wave it about madly.

But he still came.

I dove to the side at the last minute.

The sub sorta crunched. Daddy Salami drove off.

Well, this was just great.

Moral: When you get something, unpack it immediately and hide it.



78 Responses to “The Sub & Other Smashing Matters (TPL Story)”

  1. 1 erinkenobi2893 October 2, 2015 at 02:43

    That was rather idiotic of Salami, I fear. He won’t get the sub either now. But i might be able to fix it… *borrows sonic screwdriver and instructions manual and begins to read the instructions upside-down*

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke October 2, 2015 at 13:33

      Oh please do. You can actually by my sub driver, if you like.

      • 3 erinkenobi2893 October 2, 2015 at 13:54

        Oh, thank you! I would enjoy that! :-D

  2. 4 John W. Howell September 3, 2015 at 21:31

    Hmmm Let’s see. Katina vs garbage truck. I think you were out gunned.

    • 5 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:14

      I sure was. I need an upgrade immediately. Recommendations?

      • 6 John W. Howell September 4, 2015 at 00:54

        Maybe something nice in the automatic 9MM style

      • 7 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:10

        Yes! I could see this. Black and sleek?

      • 8 erinkenobi2893 October 2, 2015 at 02:44

        Miniature teleportation device! He’ll never hit you if you keep teleporting! ;-)

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke October 2, 2015 at 13:34

        Nice! Now I feel invincible.

      • 10 erinkenobi2893 October 2, 2015 at 13:54


  3. 11 Lady Dunamis September 3, 2015 at 16:18

    “Good day beautiful” and “Go in peace my love,” my man you have a way with words! 😄

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:10

      *laughs* Do you suppose I might get slapped for it?

      • 13 Lady Dunamis September 3, 2015 at 23:41

        I doubt it. Some people can get away with it and you seem like one of them.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:07

        *laughs* It’s in the way we say it, see.

      • 15 Lady Dunamis September 4, 2015 at 12:32

        I totally agree.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 19:50

        I’m such a bad thing.

  4. 17 Nancy Loderick September 3, 2015 at 16:00

    Well Professor,

    What’s the expression, something like, “act in haste, repent at leisure.”

    May it’s time to cut your losses and run! After all, I don’t think you want to get into a war with DS.


    • 18 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:09

      That’s a very good point, Nancy. But I feel like revenge, dadblameit!

  5. 19 desertdweller29 September 3, 2015 at 15:51

    Wait just a second, Professor… I never said a thing about $50,000! Did Walt? That double-crosser! Probably had Dick Hercules negotiate for him… And to think, I was going to offer you 50,000 cherry suckers before that numbskull Daddy Salami ruined it! I’d shave off his beard while he sleeps if I were you. Maybe his eyebrows too.

    If you ordered it from Amazon, maybe they’ll take it back. If so, we can renegotiate.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:09

      Yes, he said you two were on a business deal. Does that mean you won’t take the deal? Rats and a Heifer. I was hoping you’d take it even now. Heck, I’d buy another sub for it, see. 50,000 cherry suckers? *eyes and mouth waters* Can I still have them, please? I will cut off all his hair, it’s been decided.

      Okay. I’ll see what I can do. You talk to your business partner meantime!

      • 21 desertdweller29 September 3, 2015 at 23:55

        50,000 cherry suckers to cut off all of his red hair? Deal! (Hopefully he doesn’t have toe hair. Ew.)

        Get another sub and we’ll talk turkey, PVJ!

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:07

        Ew! Is there even such a thing? Okay…all the hair on his head and 35,000 cherry suckers!

        Okay, then. I shall steal one–but you made me do it!

    • 23 walt walker September 4, 2015 at 02:13

      I said no such thing! Moreover, and furthermore, I am a man of Principle. When the old man turned up his nose at my offer and said “begone,” I took my five dollars and half a boomerang and put it right back where I ought to have invested it in the first place: the stock market. Now I have two dollars and a fifth of boomerang, and I’m fresh out of socks.

      • 24 desertdweller29 September 4, 2015 at 05:09

        Haha! Well the least the professor could do is steal a pair of socks from Daddy Salami! *shudders*

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:14

        Imagine…the fungus, though! But it would be nice of me.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:14

        *laughing lots and lots* You deserve it, you swindler!

  6. 27 Debbie September 3, 2015 at 15:24

    Oh, dear! All the money you gained from selling PT News went into the purchase of that sub, and now it’s smashed?? Boo, Hiss! Bad Daddy Salami. Shame on him! Did you have witnesses to this atrocity? If so, then hurry over to a lawyer’s office and make the bugger pay for damages rendered!!

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:07

      Boo and a few hisses, I say! I don’t…can you believe. But I can take revenge. Can I borrow Dallas? Together we’ll ravage DS’s house.

      • 29 Debbie September 3, 2015 at 23:30

        *laughing lots* Poor Dallas has never ravaged anything…unless it was food, you know! Still, he’s game for an adventure, so yes, I’ll let you borrow him (though I bet your two would do a better job with the ravaging!!)

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:06

        You know, they’ve never ravaged either! I’ll take all three. And you can come, too, if you like. Well, ravage and riot around his house until it’s completely destroyed. It was your idea, after all.

  7. 31 Susan P September 3, 2015 at 13:38

    And here all this time I thought we were talking about a kind of sandwich. I say! You might be a little more specific about these things.

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:05

      *laughing* Imagine buying a sandwich that’s that expensive! Hast thou ever had a Primanti bros sandwich?

      • 33 Susan P September 4, 2015 at 01:05


      • 34 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:13

        Is that a no?

      • 35 Susan P September 5, 2015 at 13:35


      • 36 Professor VJ Duke September 7, 2015 at 15:32

        I’ll take it as a yes.

      • 37 Susan P September 7, 2015 at 21:37

        You fell for it. Beware.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke September 8, 2015 at 12:46

        *grumbles about fairness*

      • 39 Susan P September 8, 2015 at 15:05

        I’m thinking over your dadblame penalty for falling for it.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke September 9, 2015 at 13:00

        A cherry sucker?

      • 41 Susan P September 9, 2015 at 13:37

        Yes. Sitting directly across from the girl with the pony tail.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke September 10, 2015 at 12:51

        I can’t take such a punishment! What will she do to me?

      • 43 Susan P September 10, 2015 at 13:20

        She will stare at you.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2015 at 12:24

        And ugly or nice stare?

      • 45 Susan P September 12, 2015 at 14:42

        An inscrutable stare.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke September 14, 2015 at 23:38

        Which means? You should be able to tell me since you’re of the lady species.

      • 47 Susan P September 15, 2015 at 13:57

        Sorry. If I tell you I will lose my membership.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke September 16, 2015 at 13:04

        Then you can join our club! Okay, now tell me!

      • 49 Susan P September 17, 2015 at 14:10

        No! Your hair might turn into Trump.

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke September 20, 2015 at 00:26

        Trump has wonderful hair! And so does Obuddah.

      • 51 Susan P September 20, 2015 at 16:21

        Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I have a lot more don’t likes than likes.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke September 23, 2015 at 19:17

        That’s a very interesting saying.

  8. 53 Heartafire September 3, 2015 at 13:30

    You’ve learned a hard lesson Professor (and you, a professor ,tsk! I Iike to “tsk” when I am being condescending). It’s ok, it’s not over till it’s over. Now that you have your katana back you must fight for what is yours. I do recommend that you take the previous offer, especially the cherry suckers.
    DS is definitely off my Christmas list.

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:04

      You don’t think I’m a professor? *professorish eye*

      Now, very true. I should take the other offer if I can get it. Shall I take the katana to his hair? Shave him bald? I”m glad you threw him off the list. I hope I’m still on it.

      • 55 Heartafire September 3, 2015 at 23:56

        Dear Prof, going back to my Cherokee roots I am tempted to suggest a good scalping (is this inappropriate…if so, hide this :) You are most definitely on my Christmas list and I am putting a lot of thought into your very special surprise. Does that frighten you?

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:08

        You have Cherokee roots? *so cool he can’t believe it* Not at all. I think a good scalping might be the thing. But, I’ve never done one, see. Is it hard, Hollie? *laughs* Not at all. Are you getting me some sort of sword?!

      • 57 Heartafire September 4, 2015 at 12:55

        I haven’t done any scalping, except for some Dolphin tickets. I will look back in my Grannies diary of cool things that Cherokees can do for a guide to…well, you know.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 19:54

        *laughs* Dolphin tickets. Too bad you’re not a Pats fan, the sudden. Yes, you must let me know. I’d like to learn the art of scalping.

      • 59 Heartafire September 4, 2015 at 20:29

        forthcoming, watch your mail.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke September 7, 2015 at 15:23

        I hope…you don’t send a real…scalp!

      • 61 Heartafire September 7, 2015 at 15:26

        what’s the point of scalping if you can’t enjoy the handiwork?

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke September 7, 2015 at 15:35

        Do you hang them from your belt?

  9. 63 PorterGirl September 3, 2015 at 13:28

    Oh no! DS is a complete bugger! He was overcome with jealousy, I imagine. But hey I just had a thought – it’s a good job it wasn’t really your wife in the box.

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 23:03

      It is! Otherwise she might be smashed, poor thing. Now, DS must pay somehow, I’m sure you agree.

      • 65 PorterGirl September 4, 2015 at 06:47

        Moral of the story – don’t keep your wife in a box. I absolutely agree – you should steal his shack and use that as a sub instead. That’ll learn him.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 12:16

        *laughs* Imagine actually keeping your wife in a box. I do think it’s impossible. Yes! Sink his horrid little shack below the waves! Like the Titanic.

      • 67 PorterGirl September 4, 2015 at 12:51

        *laughing lots* If I was that wife, I would try to escape I think. *laughing* I almost feel sorry for DS, he is but a fool after all. But when he is so smug like that then I really think that he needs to be taught a stern lesson! I shall fetch my spanking stick.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 19:53

        Yes, most anyone would try and escape. Except a worm. Sometimes I think I’ve evolved from a worm, you know.

        Absolutely. A spanking would do him good, though he might try to bite you. Ruber says he does that sort of thing.

      • 69 PorterGirl September 5, 2015 at 10:09

        Maybe you are! In which case a worm wife would suit you nicely. I shall bite him back, the bugger! Tell Ruber not to worry, I am a vicious beast.

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke September 7, 2015 at 15:30

        A worm wife! Imagine that. *shudders* *laughs* You bite him back! He’d deserve it, and that’d scare him.

      • 71 PorterGirl September 8, 2015 at 06:18

        The problem with a worm wife is you could never be sure which end was her head and which end was… the other. You could be chatting away all evening only to discover you had been addressing her bottom!
        I certainly would. I’d bite him like a noodle.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke September 8, 2015 at 12:50

        *laughing lots and lots* Which would probably make her very angry. That’d be so tough. Maybe you’d insist she wore a hat or something.

      • 73 PorterGirl September 8, 2015 at 13:22

        You would have to. Or lipstick. It would be hard, having a worm wife, I am thinking.

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke September 9, 2015 at 12:53

        Yes, I better think no longer on it. *shudders* Would be horrid.

  10. 75 L. Marie September 3, 2015 at 13:18

    Well, at least you tried to fight him off. But Daddy Salami never seems to take no for an answer. Perhaps you could retaliate by destroying something of his. But be prepared for a war with DS.

    • 76 Professor VJ Duke September 3, 2015 at 22:54

      Maybe secretly destroy something? Like…like…one his flower vases! How’s that?

      • 77 L. Marie September 4, 2015 at 15:57

        Think bigger. Maybe his shack?

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke September 4, 2015 at 20:03

        Oooo! How dastardly of you. But you’re right. We will go and get his shack!

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