The Prince Beef & I Fight

So, I was still at that ball.

And I had just insulted Prince Beef.

See, I told him congratulilolations (about his wedding) and he got very cranky very fastly fast.

Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to know there was a wedding.

Schwarz Tauptinker told me out of turn. Of course he’d know, too, since it was his sister, Greta, getting married.

Now, I had to say something to get out of this horrible situation.

Huff-Hum and a roar.

Prince Beef placed his hands on his hips and strode about me, in a circular pattern, don’t you know.

“So, my man,” he said–in his usual lofty manner–“what chicken betrayed my wedding? Tell me the truth, as is not your wont, beetle-hole.”

Beetle-hole?! That stopped me cold, I must admit. And this is a general rule. Whenever someone does a pretty swear word, the sudden and out of the blue, I must needs think on it for a bit. Admire it’s beauty. Then save it in the archives for use.

5476351-PPT

After seeing this beetle-hole, I wasn’t too impressed, I fear.

out_of_the_blue_by_joejesus

“Out of the blue…I come sailing…through the years…through the years…” Big points if you recognize those lyrics!!

“What?!” Prince Beef rather yelled in my ear. “No answer?”

“Hold on for a bit, would you?!” I exclaimed. “I’ve got to think about that insult you delivered so beautifully.”

Prince Beef stopped his circling in front of me. And raised one eyebrow. “Answer my question, peasant, or I shall cut off your ears, then your toes, then your eyebrows.”

“You can’t cut off eyebrows, cur-sauce!”

And that’s when Daddy Salami joined our conversation. He skipped up, with some sort of bubbling drink in his hand.

Prince Beef turned on him suddenly. “What did you call me, you scant?”

“Hehaha,” Salami laughed. And he wrapped his arm around me. “What got under yer skin, cur-belly?”

The prince’s mouth dropped even lower than thought possible.

“Why you red…!”

“Shut-up!” Salami roared.

And that’s when Greta rushed in. “Stop!” she begged, looking from the prince to Salami. “None of this! I won’t have it!”

There were tears in her eyes.

Oh dear.

The prince’s face melted immediately. “Oh…Greta!”

And then something horrible happened.

Prince Beef embraced Greta and Daddy Salami got an idea: He already had his arm around me, and he rushed forward (with me, I fear) and together we embraced the prince and Greta.

It was a group hug.

And it was awful.

The prince was just about to explode, too.

But at that minute, there was a flash, and Julia Thompson huffed past with a camera in her hand.

“This,” she said to me quietly,”is going in the paper.”

Not that I minded a mint.

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121 Responses to “The Prince Beef & I Fight”


  1. 1 walt walker October 7, 2015 at 02:14

    ugh… a group hug? how unsettling. i’ve never been fond of them.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:05

      Oh dear. How many have you done?

      • 3 walt walker October 7, 2015 at 15:37

        A whole groups worth of them.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2015 at 21:04

        I do feel for you the sudden, but it passed now.

  2. 5 Simply Skeptical October 6, 2015 at 22:37

    Laughing hard!! “Not that you minded a mint.” You’re hilarious. Group hug… how cozy sir. :-)

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:01

      Group hug’s are scary! Everyone hates them, see.

  3. 7 erinkenobi2893 October 6, 2015 at 16:26

    I would not be embarrassed about that picture going in the paper if I were you, Professor. Still, it was a mistake on Julia’s part. (The case is going to court now, because Julia is prevaricating.)

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:44

      (I hope Julia loses quickly!) Do you think the pic will be okay?

      • 9 erinkenobi2893 October 6, 2015 at 19:59

        I think it will be just fine. Of course, she will try to say it’s something it’s not, but we still say huff-hum to that!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:00

        We will say many huff-hums to that. Just because.

      • 11 erinkenobi2893 October 7, 2015 at 12:58

        Indeed!

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2015 at 20:57

        Indeedy indeed.

      • 13 erinkenobi2893 October 8, 2015 at 21:32

        Indeed in triplicate. :-P

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke October 9, 2015 at 13:07

        Haha!

      • 15 erinkenobi2893 October 9, 2015 at 13:51

        :-P

  4. 16 John W. Howell October 6, 2015 at 16:11

    Group hug photo ought to look terrific. Three men in various state of anger and poor tearful Greta.

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:43

      *laughing* You would definitely laugh. It’s ridiculous looking.

      • 18 John W. Howell October 6, 2015 at 18:59

        I’m sure

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 11:56

        That’s why I mustn’t let Julia publish it!

      • 20 John W. Howell October 7, 2015 at 16:25

        At all costs

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2015 at 21:06

        I must cut off all her hair now.

      • 22 John W. Howell October 8, 2015 at 21:30

        Here is a sheep shearing thingy. Go for it.

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke October 9, 2015 at 13:07

        Goodness. I’m a bit nervous now.

      • 24 John W. Howell October 9, 2015 at 16:27

        Just turn it on. It’s that red switch there. Wait! That might be the auto-destruct​ button. Just look at the instructions first.

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke October 11, 2015 at 17:38

        Oh, I’m the sort that never ever looks at the instructions…

      • 26 John W. Howell October 11, 2015 at 20:19

        Okay. Go ahead then *covers ears with hands*

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke October 12, 2015 at 19:57

        *pushes*

      • 28 John W. Howell October 12, 2015 at 21:33

        I didn’t hear anything.

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke October 13, 2015 at 19:41

        You know, I bet we blew something else up.

      • 30 John W. Howell October 13, 2015 at 20:30

        Where did you lay the material?

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke October 14, 2015 at 12:38

        What material?

      • 32 John W. Howell October 14, 2015 at 12:59

        The bomb stuff that went off somewhere else.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke October 14, 2015 at 19:36

        Oh right. I put that in a sub I couldn’t afford.

      • 34 John W. Howell October 14, 2015 at 21:44

        Oh dear. I think that was the one we were going to buy later when we had enough gold from heroic deeds like helping an old lady across the street.

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke October 20, 2015 at 12:25

        Can we just steal it and get it over and done with?

      • 36 John W. Howell October 20, 2015 at 12:43

        Not if you blew it up. We’ll have to find another.

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke October 21, 2015 at 12:22

        Oh rats. See, I was only going to blow it up, or try, if they didn’t sell.

      • 38 John W. Howell October 21, 2015 at 13:04

        Let’s steal it then. *puts on mask*

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke October 21, 2015 at 19:21

        *puts on mask* Yes, let’s. I’ve always wanted to steal.

      • 40 John W. Howell October 22, 2015 at 01:05

        Here take this 9mm automatic​. You might need to hose off someone.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke October 22, 2015 at 13:58

        *laughing lots and takes it greedily* Wow…

      • 42 John W. Howell October 22, 2015 at 15:11

        Be careful. That puppy can do some major hole making.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke October 23, 2015 at 02:31

        That’s what I love lots about it!

      • 44 John W. Howell October 23, 2015 at 13:15

        So true.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke October 23, 2015 at 13:23

        Maybe you should do half the work and I’ll do half.

      • 46 John W. Howell October 23, 2015 at 18:16

        I’m going to use this rocket launcher. Have to be careful and not blow a hole in the sub.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke October 24, 2015 at 20:17

        Be very careful, please. That sub is gorgeous.

      • 48 John W. Howell October 24, 2015 at 20:24

        Whoops. We better pick a new one. Submerges well but don’t think the surface thingy is working.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke October 24, 2015 at 20:26

        *gulps* In that case, yes. Dangerously close to making a mistake.

      • 50 John W. Howell October 24, 2015 at 20:29

        Well the fact I put a hole in it by a misfired rocket should not be overlooked.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke October 26, 2015 at 20:14

        Yes, that’s true, but I reel like overlooking it just a bit.

      • 52 John W. Howell October 26, 2015 at 21:41

        I know a great metal works guy who can patch it.

  5. 53 desertdweller29 October 6, 2015 at 15:46

    I expect to see a picture of this group hug. Major points if you follow through, Professor! Alas, no points for me on the song. And who is this Prince Beef? I don’t recall his time in PL — and now I’m deeply suspicious .

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:43

      You want to see a picture? No you don’t. You would have nightmares. Wait…maybe for the moon. Then you have a deal. And Walt’s boomerang. The song is by Alan Parsons. Which proves I’m ancient. *laughs* He thinks he’s the prince of America, can you believe.

      • 55 desertdweller29 October 6, 2015 at 19:27

        I do want to see a pic! I’ll give you a bag of moon dust and steal Walt’s boomerang. Is it a deal?

        Alan Parsons? You ARE ancient! haha

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 11:58

        Ohhh….wow, that might be a deal. Just add Mars dust, and you have a deal.

        *laughs* Older than…you!

  6. 57 FictionFan October 6, 2015 at 15:25

    Nope, no points for me! *proud face* (though putting the answer in the tags was a bit of a clue…)

    Oh, I bet you enjoyed the group hug really! Nice to see the way Greta manipulated the men with the old tears in her eyes ruse… go, Greta!!

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:39

      Did I seriously do that? *checks* Haha, it was on the mind. That’s what. You might quite like Alan Parsons, in fact.

      I did not! Have you ever been a part of a group hug that you’ve enjoyed? I thought not! *laughs* I was thinking you probably gave her lessons or something.

      • 59 FictionFan October 6, 2015 at 23:01

        *laughs* I assumed it was a test to see if we were paying attention! Might I? Hmm… 70s? 80s? 60s???

        Well, imagine a group hug with Rafa and George and Darby and Schwarzy and the Professor and me – that would have to be a LOT of fun, don’t you think? *takes a long drink of cold water* She’s probably read my new blockbuster self-help book ‘How to Make Men Look Even Siller than Usual’…

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:05

        You might…but I wouldn’t be sure. Then again, I didn’t think you’d like Enchanted. Good question! I think…’70s? Let me check. *googles* So, Out of the Blue is from Time Machine. Released 1999. But the earlier stuff is ’70s. I think.

        Not at all! Imagine how hot one would get. Then imagine how hard one might get squeezed. Then imagine tripping or something. You keep nasty group hugs! Your books are just so not fair, you know, you know.

      • 61 FictionFan October 7, 2015 at 17:07

        Hmm, it’s… OK. Ish. But maybe about 3 minutes too long. Or three and a half. The metronome noise is great though!

        *imagines* *imagines again* *goes for a little lie down* So you won’t be wanting a copy of my latest then? “How to Avoid Cupid When Dancing”

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2015 at 21:14

        A neat feel, huh? Definitely odd. It’s okay-ish, I agree. But sometimes, I really dig it. Weird how that works.

        See? You almost fainted just thinking on it. *laughs* I don’t think people fall in love when dancing, but sure…I’ll take a copy!

      • 63 FictionFan October 9, 2015 at 01:25

        Yes, but that’s because you’re weird! Cutely weird, though, obviously!

        But sometimes fainting can be fun! Oh, they do, they do! In fact, at least 73.65% of the times I’ve fallen in love must have been at dances! It’s such fun! But fortunately, the glamour palls fairly quickly afterwards, I find… *chuckles*

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke October 9, 2015 at 13:13

        Cutely weird? Hmm. That’s not the best description I’ve had in all my years. But it’s not the worst either.

        This begs the question: how many times have you fallen in love?

      • 65 FictionFan October 10, 2015 at 00:33

        *laughs* Go on – what’s the worst?

        Ooooh, many! Many, many, many, many, many! It’s soooo much fun!!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke October 11, 2015 at 17:47

        Hmm, the worst. Want to know sure you?

        See? This is why I’m a skeptic. #LoveIsScary

      • 67 FictionFan October 11, 2015 at 23:09

        Sure am, yes I!

        If it wasn’t scary, it wouldn’t be half so exciting! #LoveIsAdventure

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke October 12, 2015 at 20:02

        *laughs* You got that speak down rather well.

        #LoveIsScarierThanTommy’sPinkNose

      • 69 FictionFan October 12, 2015 at 22:49

        #PinkNosesAreAdorable

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke October 13, 2015 at 19:48

        Humph noodles!

  7. 71 Debbie October 6, 2015 at 14:33

    So many insults here! Beetle-hole? Cur-sauce? You’ve got a way with words, Professor!
    That group hug is going on page one of Julia’s paper (formerly your paper, you know). Wait and see! No telling how she’s going to spin it though!
    Slicing off ears, toes, and eyebrows sounds dreadful. Good thing the bride-to-be showed up and put a stop to such nonsense with her tears!

    • 72 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:36

      Aren’t I tasty with making up swear words? It’s the best pastime ever, don’t you know.

      That will only work with Prince Beef, those tears. I’m heartless. Julia better not put a spin on it…or…or…I’ll cut off her ponytail!

      • 73 Debbie October 6, 2015 at 19:37

        You already did that ponytail-chopping thing!

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:00

        But…but…she’ll have to grow another one sometimes!

  8. 75 L. Marie October 6, 2015 at 13:53

    I was just going to say what PorterGirl said about Alan Parsons Project, And as for beetle hole, that makes a good addition to the insult collection.

    I think you should fight Prince Beef for Greta’s affections to help Prince Beef prove that he’s worthy and also to put him in his place.

    • 76 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:35

      Nice! You know, too. I’m astounded. Coolness. Beetle-hole. I’m going to use this now.

      But do you think Greta wants me, though?

      • 77 L. Marie October 7, 2015 at 01:43

        With Greta, there’s only one way to find out. . . .

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:05

        Yes? Yes?

  9. 79 Julie Harris October 6, 2015 at 13:04

    “Beetle hole” made me chuckle…and group hugs are always the best!

    • 80 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:35

      *laughs* Julie! Group hugs are weird, though!

      • 81 Julie Harris October 7, 2015 at 01:59

        Yes- they can be!

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:05

        Cannot! *holds ears*

  10. 83 Susan P October 6, 2015 at 13:03

    So. Did you try to make us believe that you came out of the blue? And what is wrong with group hugs. And what kind of mint? And how do you think the reception will be?

    • 84 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:35

      The reception will be ruined, I tell you that now. I did come out of the blue! Isn’t that the perfect story for me? I’m an alien after all. A mint…wintergreen! Group hugs…stink! Like Lucy said.

      • 85 Susan P October 6, 2015 at 19:30

        Oh group hugs. What in the world were you thinking??

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 11:59

        I was pulled into it! but I did resist, it should be noted.

      • 87 Susan P October 7, 2015 at 13:32

        Can you prove that?

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2015 at 21:01

        Umm…no. But that’s a trick question!

      • 89 Susan P October 10, 2015 at 13:51

        I don’t think so. I think you are trying to duck it.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke October 11, 2015 at 17:48

        Now, you know this professor. Would I ever do such a thing? A group hug? Nah.

      • 91 Susan P October 11, 2015 at 17:58

        Who was that I saw running head over heels at the river?

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke October 12, 2015 at 19:54

        Janella?

      • 93 Susan P October 12, 2015 at 20:35

        She was across town.

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke October 13, 2015 at 19:39

        She’s wicked, isn’t she?

      • 95 Susan P October 13, 2015 at 20:21

        I don’t think so. She just has a mission.

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke October 14, 2015 at 12:36

        Do you know what it is?

      • 97 Susan P October 14, 2015 at 15:07

        You’d have to talk to her friend, Hilary.

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke October 14, 2015 at 19:41

        Are they in cahoots?

      • 99 Susan P October 14, 2015 at 21:25

        Last time I checked.

  11. 100 PorterGirl October 6, 2015 at 12:41

    That was quite a good insult, I must say. ‘Beetle hole’ – I like it! I shall be using it later on today, you know. The group hug must have been quite an event. I would not have wanted to smell the result of that, I reckon.

    (The lyrics – Alan Parsons Project? Do I get any points?)

    • 101 Professor VJ Duke October 6, 2015 at 18:34

      *laughs* Using it? Capital! Or Capitol! I’m not sure which, to be honest. The smell of that? Do you suppose it stank? It could’ve for sure.

      (Yo! I should’ve known you would have know. Couldn’t get it out of my mind today. You get three touchdowns: 21 points.)

      • 102 PorterGirl October 7, 2015 at 06:01

        Either one works, I think! I used it on a passing chap, he was fairly confused. But he definitely appeared insulted, so good work all round I say. Group hugs can sometimes have a stench about them – depending on who is involved, I suppose. I was once involved in a group hug with tramps (don’t ask) and the smell was terrible. One of them asked to marry me, but I had to decline.
        (Excellent! I knew it right away. 21 points! I feel like a Queen. Or princess.)

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke October 7, 2015 at 12:08

        Either one! Capital! *laughing lots* Don’t ask…rats. But, hey, I say it’s a good thing you declined. The tramps should’ve just waited for the rain, then had a decent wash. Or steal someone’s tub or something. Or find a river. Or a stream. Or a lake. All sorts of possibilities.

        *laughs* Now, what is the principle difference between a queen and princess?

      • 104 PorterGirl October 7, 2015 at 12:19

        It’s not that I have anything against tramps as such, but I don’t feel I could actually marry one. I mean, he didn’t even have a place to live. And hadn’t bothered with any of your excellent suggestions. I think I can do better.
        The main difference is that a queen outranks a princess! Usually the queen is the mother of the princess, but not always.

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke October 8, 2015 at 20:53

        *laughs* That is the thing. You could do much better than that, I’m quite sure. Plus, he probably wasn’t the marrying type either. A queen! And queens are always meaner, too. Way meaner, in fact.

      • 106 PorterGirl October 9, 2015 at 08:41

        I imagine you are right. Within three weeks, he would have run off to search far flung bins and give the eye to stray dogs, no doubt. Queens are most vicious! I hope to be one, one day *laughs*

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke October 9, 2015 at 13:16

        The eye to stray dogs! I think he might have, the bugger.

        Wouldn’t you rather be a duke? I’m a duke after all, and it’s rather fun.

      • 108 PorterGirl October 9, 2015 at 15:20

        The bugger! I just knew he would. You are right, I can do much better.
        I would love to be a Duke, but I am a lady! I could be a Lady-Duke, which is actually a Duchess. Being a Duke must be rather incredible.

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke October 11, 2015 at 17:35

        I’m not sure if it’s incredible, to be honest. After taking the title, I must admit I feel quite the same. Maybe I went about it all wrongly wrong. You become a duchess and let me know if I did it wrong, please.

      • 110 PorterGirl October 12, 2015 at 06:21

        Oh, but it sounds so incredible to be a Duke. I shall make investigations as to how one goes about it properly and see what I can do.

      • 111 Professor VJ Duke October 12, 2015 at 20:04

        Yes, please. I bet there are many papers and signatures required. In that case, count me out. My signature is an ugly little brute.

      • 112 PorterGirl October 13, 2015 at 06:17

        I bet it looks like a small, vicious beast with gnashing teeth!

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke October 13, 2015 at 19:53

        Ooo. I quite like that. The sudden, that is exactly what it looks like.

      • 114 PorterGirl October 13, 2015 at 20:18

        I love it! But now I really want to see it… you must send me a signed photograph immediately!

      • 115 Professor VJ Duke October 14, 2015 at 12:35

        But a photo of what, see?

      • 116 PorterGirl October 14, 2015 at 18:14

        Probably a turtle. But I am not really so fussy.

      • 117 Professor VJ Duke October 14, 2015 at 19:49

        A turtle. I shall hunt for one.

      • 118 PorterGirl October 15, 2015 at 07:29

        I hear they like to slide about in ponds…

      • 119 Professor VJ Duke October 20, 2015 at 12:27

        *laughing lots* Especially the professorish kinds.

      • 120 PorterGirl October 20, 2015 at 13:28

        Especially those!

      • 121 Professor VJ Duke October 21, 2015 at 12:26

        Those are the tops.


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