Two Letters, Only One of Interest

Does rage defy logic?

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledThey haven’t called me Professor VJ Duke since the beginning, but that doesn’t make it right to do so.

If that sentence messed horribly with your mind, then I’m right there with you.

Let’s leave it back there in the dust and move on. Not worth dissecting it, see.

And that’s a good general rule: Sentences that are too hard to understand aren’t brilliant or bright; no, they’re just designed to make you feel dull.

Horribly and worthlessly dull.

Let’s leave it in the dust.

Leave it in the dust--or, in this case, the sandstorm.

Leave it in the dust–or, in this case, the sandstorm.

So, anyways and a few, this professor was sitting peacefully in his chair, in his study, in his house, when a letter arrived.

One of my analysts brought it in.

I shredded it with glee. Or ripped it open. (This professor, it must be known, loves to rip open letters, see.)

The professor shouldn’t have opened it; it was a bill; I threw it away.

humph noodles

The perfect cuss word. Or words, as the case may be.

There was good news, though. You see, there was a smaller–and I hate to say–pinker letter under the one I shouldn’t have opened.

I opened that one.

Inside, see, was an invite. It went something like this:

Dear Professor VJ Duke,

You are invited to join us for a special announcement at the palace of Prince Beef. Be there. Invitations aren’t sent out lightly to fill space. Are we not important enough that everyone in the country would want to attend the announcement party? Come. Be there.

I must admit, it was an odd letter to get. After all, this professor has never been invited to an announcement party. If you’d asked me earlier, I would’ve said such parties don’t exist.

It’s one thing, I’m supposing, to get invited to an announcement party, and another thing entirely to get threatened into an announcement party.

I do wonder where the line is drawn. But no matter. This professor likes parties.

And Prince Beef is the ruling monarch of America. I should go, see. (Isn’t it odd that a prince is a ruling monarch? I wonder what happened to the king, personally, but that’s another story for another time.)

Screen Shot 2012-04-10 at 2.30.29 PM.png

Something like Prince Beef’s palace. A little less grand, maybe.

The party was on the morrow, and the professor would answer it’s battle-cry.

I’d be there, in some other words.

PL Symbol

98 Responses to “Two Letters, Only One of Interest”

  1. 1 bardictale November 10, 2015 at 18:53

    Hmm. Curious letter indeed.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 18:55

      What do you make of it? Someone bossy wrote it, I think.

      • 3 bardictale November 10, 2015 at 19:11

        Or full of himself. Or someone who really wants you to be there.
        I suspect it’s a combination of the two.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:41

        You should go for me and hack him down!

      • 5 bardictale November 12, 2015 at 08:00

        *Tilts head* Why hack him down?

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke November 12, 2015 at 14:19

        Just for kicks, really.

      • 7 bardictale November 13, 2015 at 08:02

        Really? Go do your own misdeeds, sir.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke November 13, 2015 at 16:49

        Oh rats and a heifer!

  2. 9 Lady Dunamis November 10, 2015 at 13:40

    One- the quote is brilliant.
    Two- the letter reads as if you wrote it yourself. You might take that as a compliment or not.
    Three- I don’t think I ever addressed you by your whole name. In fact, I started the initial thigamiggigy because it was way cooler not to mention I get kinda lazy like that.
    Five- and I think this is my last bullet point (not sure but we will see) the pink letter could be a trap.
    Six- I knew I had one more point, lol! The title of this blog-literature is quite brilliant, wouldn’t you say?

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 14:05

      Isn’t it something? Many thinks need to be done on the quote.

      I didn’t write the letter, dadblameit! Because, see, I wouldn’t be so rude to myself. The letter was defiantly rude.

      You know, Lady, that’s true. You were the first person to call me PVJ! It’s much better that way. Shorter and whatnot.

      *laughs* The pink letter is weirding me out, I must admit. Wouldn’t you go to the thingy party?

      You mean the Jeweled Katana? Or the Two Letters thingy?

      • 11 Lady Dunamis November 10, 2015 at 14:18

        I would go to the party to see what would happen to your or what you would do.

        I think the pink letter was to throw you off if and that is a big IF. I say that because you could be trying to throw us for a loop. Not the first time you have done that….
        The title is brilliant and somehow I missed the jeweled katana… Hmmm

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 18:32

        Oh, I’d be fine. I might hide in the corner. Or be totally sweet. Just to throw you off, see.

        Oh yes, that’s fine. It’s coming up, the jeweled katana is. I shall steal it soon. Or just borrow it, really. I’ve thrown you for a loop? I wouldn’t do that… *laughs*

      • 13 Lady Dunamis November 11, 2015 at 01:37

        Be nice. Christmas is coming.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:49

        I’m always so, so nice.

  3. 15 Simply Skeptical November 10, 2015 at 11:41

    LOL!!! Professor, “humpf noodles”. Laughing lots. Thanks for the esteem boost because I run into those lofty sentences without apparent meaning often. Now, thanks to you, my confidence is renewed – I’m not dull. Giggles galore.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 14:03

      You are most definitely not! See? I’ve figured the whole dadblame puzzle out.

  4. 17 John W. Howell November 10, 2015 at 00:14

    Take a spare weapon with you. I don’t like the sounds of this. Here take this lightweight 9MM automatic pistol. You can hide it in your hat. Be prudent there are only 30 bullets in the magazine. (Don’t tell anyone where you got it either)

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 13:58

      *laughs* Wow! Perfect. *puts it in the hat* 30 should be enough. What if the officers ask about it, though?

      • 19 John W. Howell November 10, 2015 at 21:00

        Just say, “Someone must have hidden that thing in my hat.”

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:46

        Yes, stuck it in my hat when I set it on the bench for a moment. Perfect. Should fetch them.

      • 21 John W. Howell November 11, 2015 at 21:58

        Maybe you keep your lawyer’s number handy as well.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 22:02

        I don’t have one! Do you?

      • 23 John W. Howell November 11, 2015 at 22:39

        Have ’em call me I’ll take care of it.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke November 12, 2015 at 14:01

        I will. You’re hired, the sudden.

      • 25 John W. Howell November 12, 2015 at 17:44

        Need a retainer to make it official.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke November 13, 2015 at 16:36

        We don’t need official things official, I say!

      • 27 John W. Howell November 13, 2015 at 21:29

        I was thinking of a cherry sucker.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke November 15, 2015 at 00:26

        Oh yes. Let’s just have that and be done with it.

      • 29 John W. Howell November 15, 2015 at 12:06


      • 30 Professor VJ Duke November 16, 2015 at 14:52

        Double great.

  5. 31 FictionFan November 9, 2015 at 18:49

    It must be a forgery – I just can’t see Prince Beef using pink envelopes. I wonder if Mr Ratherquite got an invitation.

    Now, questions for the day…

    Who’s been sticking jewels on your katana?
    Will you be wearing your velvet cloak to the party?
    Was it a bill from the tea shop? If so, I suspect it’s just Clara trying to get revenge…
    Will Amelia *spits* be at the party?
    If we can’t call you Professor VJ Duke, can we please call you Professor Sweetie Pumpkin Pie then?

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:24

      Maybe his staff sent it? But you’re right. He wouldn’t send it in a pink envelope. Okay, I’ll cheat for you: he did, but his ladies didn’t, can you believe.

      *laughs* Hmm…

      That’s the name of the overall story, see. I fear it’s not my katana yet. But it might be by the end! Once I find it, see.

      I don’t have a velvet cloak…I gave it to you.

      It was from a water company. Dadblame bother, I tell you.

      Nah, I haven’t seen Amelia in ages.

      *holds ears* I can’t hear you, the sudden. How about just…PVJ? Or C-W-W? People eat pies, see. I can’t be eaten.

      • 33 FictionFan November 10, 2015 at 00:28

        Oooh, maybe it’s an all-male party! How awful for you – no-one to flirt with!

        I see! Exciting! I hope you don’t have to battle too many orcs to get it…

        Aw, thank you! It’s lovely – suits me much better than you! *twirls magnificently*

        Oh dear! They might cut off your supplies and then you won’t be able to shower or wash your socks! *wrinkles nose*

        Huh! That’s what you tell me, anyway… *glares*

        Oh, no! Only I am allowed to call you C-W-W and if anyone else dares to I will challenge them to a duel!! I don’t see why you can’t be eaten… with the right sauce I suspect you’d be deliciously yummy…

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 14:02

        Look, I flirt with guitars more than girls. That should be of comfort to you.

        I hope I do! But there’s no orcs in TPL sadly. *kicks the dirt*

        It does suit you magnificently, in truth! Much better for a girl, see. (Jimmy Page might be a girl, we don’t know.)

        But you said showers aren’t important… *laughs*

        I wouldn’t lie!

        A duel…what would be the weapons? *mouth drops* I’m grizzly, I tell you.

      • 35 FictionFan November 10, 2015 at 18:27

        Goodness! You don’t want to make me jealous of your guitars too, do you? That could be dangerous…

        You should do a deal with Middle Earth – you get some orcs and you send them Shnoddy in exchange…

        Thank you! *curtseys* I bet Kenny wears velvet…

        *laughs* Well… that wasn’t quite what I meant, though!

        Hmm… *narrows eyes*

        Heckler & Koch MG5s. That’ll teach her! Oh, you’d just need to be simmered for a while…

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 18:53

        You’d get jealous of guitars? But…but…you don’t have six strings and a sound hole! Or tuning pegs. Or…a strap peg. See? You can’t be jealous of a guitar.

        *laughs* Somehow that seems like an unfair exchange.

        Kenny might. But we don’t want to dress or look like Kenny, mind you.

        Yes, it was!!!

        A machine gun? But you couldn’t shoot that! And we can’t have you dying. So no. I veto it.

      • 37 FictionFan November 11, 2015 at 01:58

        *laughs* I do! But I call them hair and a mouth! Wouldn’t it be great if people had tuning pegs? Any time they got cranky, you could just re-tune them to the chuckle setting. Oh yes I can, sir – so just remember that before you flirt too outrageously. You wouldn’t want me to blancmange the Kremona…!!!

        I know – poor Middle Earth! Even Gandalf would end up befuddled…

        *dies with relief*

        I just meant that you could wash in waterfalls or lakes!!

        Awwww, that’s so sweet! You’re so c&a when you’re being masterful… *swoons*

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:59

        *laughs* You do have them then! *considers* But I can’t play you like a guitar. So it’s still not the same. And I can’t drum on you either. Blancmange the kremona?! I’d have to do an arm-bar on you. Or a throw. Or something wicked. My poor Kremona!!

        He’s already befuddled. I would’ve thrown him in mount doom along with the ring, you know.

        You can no! Otherwise, a little green thing will get in your body and eat your brains!

        *laughs* But still, no. I win, see.

      • 39 FictionFan November 12, 2015 at 01:58

        So basically you’re saying I’m not as good as a guitar… *considers her next course of action carefully while flexing biceps – note: guitars do not have biceps!* I wouldn’t want to, of course, but you might drive me to it… and then it would be your fault!

        *gasps* Be careful – he might put a spell on you and turn you into an orc!

        *laughs* I hope it doesn’t have a big appetite then!

        Did I ever mention that your victory dance is awfully cute too? #FFWins

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke November 12, 2015 at 14:14

        Well…how can the two even be compared? You wicked thing. *laughs* Yes…but neither do girls!! Haha. Only…Brock Lesnar. I’d hide it from you, then. In a case, in a case, in a case. Under lock and key.

        I’m already an orc, though…

        *laughing* It might eat…your eardrums then!

        But it’s…not at all!

      • 41 FictionFan November 12, 2015 at 18:42

        You started it! I think! *gasps* Brock Lesnar is a girl?!!! Good noodles!! She really has to stay away from those steroids… Nah, I’ve decided it’s not the guitar’s fault – I’ll just blancmange you instead!

        True! But do orcs have facial hair?

        *laughs* Perhaps I’ll just stay dirty…

        *nods* #YesFFDefinitelyWins

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke November 13, 2015 at 16:43

        I start everything worth starting, it should be known. That’s a well-known truth right there, madam. *laughs* Imagine that! Gross! Look what you’ve done now! I can take it. For the guitar, that is.

        Sometimes! I’ve seen them.

        See? You don’t like showers.

        That hashtag is just…wrong!

      • 43 FictionFan November 13, 2015 at 18:27

        All the trouble, you mean. You can? Here’s another then!

        Don’t believe you…

        *sticks out tongue*

        *sticks out tongue again*

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke November 15, 2015 at 00:23

        All the trouble! *dodges*

        *puts soap on FEF’s tongue*

      • 45 FictionFan November 15, 2015 at 19:40

        *blows bubbles at the Professor*

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke November 16, 2015 at 14:59

        Haha. Good one.

  6. 47 Chris White November 9, 2015 at 16:39

    Go dear fellow. Yes … cast caution to the wind. Maybe there will be sausages on sticks together with other delights.

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:18

      You’re so right, the sudden. I should go! Sausages on sticks. Mhmm. That sounds awesome. Maybe teas and cakes and puddings and stuff, too?

  7. 49 Debbie November 9, 2015 at 16:00

    Professor, you didn’t say who invited you to the Prince’s party, but it does sound a bit threatening. I’d go…definitely…but carry a katana in my back pocket. Just in case, you know. YOU might be dinner!!

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:18

      You know, the letter didn’t say! Maybe it was a staff person or something? I don’t know. Yes, I’ll go with a knife. *shudders* Dinner? How horrible. But then, if I was cooked in a cherry space… I refuse to think on it!

  8. 51 Heartafire November 9, 2015 at 15:24

    Professor Duke, I am all atwitter. I would not miss this announcement party for anything. Intrigue makes the world go round and you are due for some very serious intrique…it seems there has been some major…stuff…going on right under your nose and now is the time to uncover it (the intrique). Thank you for a most intriquing post. May you have a beautiful day! Holly.

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:17

      Holly! *laughs* I love the word atwitter. How remarkable it is. So, you agree that I should go? Capital. But if I get into trouble at the party, I just might blame you, see.

      • 53 Heartafire November 9, 2015 at 19:27

        Go for it. If something terrible happens I will deny any part in this. :-)

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 13:40

        *laughs* Deny any part? You would too. Well…that’s just no fair, I say!

      • 55 Heartafire November 10, 2015 at 14:01

        I promise to show up. I did nt say I’d be fair. ;-D

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 14:07

        *laughs* And that’s what makes you spicy, Hollie.

      • 57 Heartafire November 10, 2015 at 14:31

        wicked too.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 18:32

        Just a hint.

  9. 59 Haylee November 9, 2015 at 15:00

    I’d have thought you’d own a mini-sword for letter opening. I get into serious bother if I rip envelopes open and leave them jaggedy and unkempt, which is generally the case.

    • 60 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:16

      *mouth drops* A little sword… Why, Haylee, I’ve never thought on it before! But…wow!! What an idea. Do you have one? *thinks about thieving it if she does*

      • 61 Haylee November 9, 2015 at 20:17

        I don’t, but I know a man who does. It even has a little crystal tipped hilt. But the Professor wouldn’t be so dishonourable as to swipe one from a nonagenarian, would he?

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 13:42

        Oh. No, I wouldn’t do that. But…it has a little crystal tipped hilt? Do you think he might let me borrow it?

      • 63 Haylee November 10, 2015 at 15:51

        I shall ask… I hear he can be bought for a boiled sweet or two!

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 18:35

        I’ll send him three, just because.

      • 65 Haylee November 10, 2015 at 21:06

        How very kind! Well here’s the deal – he said he will hire it out for the price of a sugary treat but it’s only available to use on Wednesdays or the second Saturday of the month. And he needs it back by 9pm (he can manage with a butter knife until then). I don’t know how this fits with your schedule but I’d decide soon – he’s just read about your Tea Shop return and may end up giving it to Clara as compensation for feelings damaged…

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:46

        *mouth drops* To Clara? He wouldn’t! Imagine. Then again, what if he sent it to her and said it was from me? Do you suppose she might forgive me? Maybe?

      • 67 Haylee November 11, 2015 at 22:36

        Haha, I think he charges a minimum of 5 sweets and a slice of fruit cake for relationship counselling! She may forgive you, as it would be a gift. But then sending a sharpened implement to someone you’ve already wounded may not be the best idea – unless you have Matrix-manoeuvre ducking capabilities…

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke November 12, 2015 at 14:01

        Oh I’m great at ducking! I’ve had lots of practice, see. Well, why don’t you bump her off for me, then?

      • 69 Haylee November 12, 2015 at 17:17

        😯 Professor! Whilst I do see myself as some ninja assassin in an alternate reality, don’t you think it’s a little drastic? I mean, moving city after a bad date yes. But this… I definitely don’t look good in orange so I can’t be party to your suggestion I’m afraid!
        (Note to universe – I do not know this man, this interchange is merely… quinkydinkle. No need to read any other threads, nothing to see. Honest.)

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke November 13, 2015 at 16:35

        *laughs* I’ll bust you out of the courtroom or jail, don’t worry. But, I see what you mean. Is it a bit too…too vicious?

      • 71 Haylee November 13, 2015 at 16:53

        It is a little… I found a superstition that reminded me of your Clara predicament. If you give a knife to a lover, the relationship will end. Unless you attach a penny to the knife which the recipient must give back as payment?! My first thought was who on earth would think a knife in a gift box was a romantic gesture. Oh, the Professor would… ;)

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke November 15, 2015 at 00:14

        *laughing* That is hilarious! A knife in the box is definitely a romantic gesture, I’m thinking. Made even better by the penny thingy. Don’t you think so?

      • 73 Haylee November 15, 2015 at 08:58

        Well I suppose if I was an assassin or a superhero or an elf, I’d welcome a dinky dagger present! The penny is very odd but it seems you must pay for many a gift to keep your luck right – gloves, purses, coal at New Year. Bizarre.

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke November 16, 2015 at 14:50

        That’s a neatio idea. Imagine giving a present and attaching a bill for it. We should do this this Christmas. Are you with me, Haylee?

      • 75 Haylee November 16, 2015 at 17:42

        Now there’s a great plan…does it have to be the actual bill for said gift or could we tamper with the pricing a little? It could be a very lucrative endeavour!

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke November 17, 2015 at 14:01

        We can definitely tamper. After all, since they don’t have to pay for shipping, it’s a great deal. We could add a bit of a bonus, see.

  10. 77 Susan P November 9, 2015 at 13:58

    I could look at it for two and a half widgets and never understand. I shall stand outside the window and purr.

    • 78 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:15

      And just purr? Like George! Now, look at what?

      • 79 Susan P November 9, 2015 at 20:14

        You know. Surely you know.

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 13:42

        At DS?

      • 81 Susan P November 10, 2015 at 21:43

        If you haven’t figured it up by tomorrow I will tell you.

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:46

        The sudden, it’s tomorrow.

      • 83 Susan P November 12, 2015 at 03:03

        Wow! That was fast.

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke November 12, 2015 at 14:15

        Now, now. Tell, tell!

      • 85 Susan P November 13, 2015 at 01:42


      • 86 Professor VJ Duke November 13, 2015 at 16:47

        Just like that, huh?

      • 87 Susan P November 17, 2015 at 01:32

        Yep. *throws cherries over the professor’s head.

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke November 17, 2015 at 14:05

        *tries to catch them all*

  11. 89 jeanixAngel November 9, 2015 at 13:57

    Dear Professor,
    Congratulations for that invitation. I suggest inviting the tea girl as your date on that party. What do you think? :)

    • 90 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:15

      Oh no…really? She’ll think I have a crush on her then!

  12. 91 PorterGirl November 9, 2015 at 13:43

    Well! That letter was a little threatening, so it must be quite an important announcement. It doesn’t do to ignore the wishes of a Prince (especially one who is mysteriously missing a king!) so I would at least put a clean pair of trousers on. Maybe it will be another party. TPL loves parties.

    • 92 Professor VJ Duke November 9, 2015 at 19:14

      I shall put on a clean pair of trousers (and even a new shirt) which I think is very fair of me, in truth. TPL has so many parties, it’s a thing. Now, that letter…I should’ve ripped it up, too.

      • 93 PorterGirl November 9, 2015 at 20:23

        That is good to know, Professor! You are being more than fair. Oh I think this letter will lead to fun things, I tell you.

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 13:44

        An adventure probably! And maybe even a few deaths. And probably to the jeweled katana.

      • 95 PorterGirl November 10, 2015 at 15:14

        Well in that case it is a super letter! A few deaths always spice things up, I just hope no one I am attached to meets a grim fate. But if they do – hey ho!

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke November 10, 2015 at 18:34

        Hey ho indeed! You mean like DS for instance, or MM? Nah. They shan’t die, really.

      • 97 PorterGirl November 10, 2015 at 19:58

        Oh good. I shall sleep much more soundly now. Maybe someone will turn with the specific purpose of getting killed. I like it when people are helpful like that.

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke November 11, 2015 at 21:44

        *laughs* But people rarely are. Fats Henyr might be obliging, I’m thinking.

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
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14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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