Stopping Thieving By Thieving

When you steal something so someone else won’t, you are two things: a thief and a selfish thief.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledAs soon as I jumped up, Bud Parker whispered:

“Bud, where are you going? They’re not gone yet!”

This professor paid not a heed.

Then Schwarz Tauptinker busted the whole thing.

“He’s going to steal it, chickit!”

And Schwarz screamed that, too.

“Bud!” Parker screamed in reply. “They probably heard that!”

If they didn’t, they definitely heard him.

Then this professor heard: Increased noises from the outside.

We’d been discovered.

Now, keep in mind, it was rather dark in the room. I could hardly see anything. My eyesight was like an icicle’s:

Cold and slippery.

But I managed to grab the katana on the wall. It was stuck there with velcro, see.

Then, lots of chaos happened.

Parker and Schwarz were lunging for me, the door opened, the lights turned on, Fats Henry charged in with a few other people and Prince Beef.

“Stop them all and cut off their heads!” the prince was screaming.

So much noise, there wasn’t much noise. Time sorta stopped for a bit.

Now, everyone was charging for me, see, but at that moment, Parker and Schwarz both made a fantastic lunge for me.

There was a massive collision. I wasn’t in it. Parker and Schwarz shielded me nicely.

Bones broke, I’m sure.

This professor ran.

I’m not sure how this professor made it out, but make it out, I did.

With the sword.

Down the stairs I went, though the front door. I jumped in my car faster than a worm running from a bird, and I was off.

Speeding through the dark night.

Now, true, I’d thieved. But I’d only done it to stop others from thieving, see. It must be righteous, then, see. I’m sure you, see. See?

It was a beautiful katana, though…

But what to do now?

I should’ve thought out a better plan, in truth.

PL Symbol


40 Responses to “Stopping Thieving By Thieving”

  1. 1 walt walker November 20, 2015 at 03:30

    Is it selfish to steal something so someone else won’t, or merely preventive? Or a preventative?. Not sure which, but one of the two, perhaps. Those words confuse me. Lots of other things do, too.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:47

      *laughs* Well, don’t worry about the other things right now. I’m sure you would’ve stolen the sword in my place. Look, you stole the boomerang at one point.

  2. 3 Simply Skeptical November 20, 2015 at 00:16

    I’ve really never thought of eyesight as being cold and slippery…. Maybe that’s the sensation the bird feels when he finally catches that speedy worm.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:47

      You know, I bet it is. Birds look like that, at least.

  3. 5 Sonya Solomonovich November 19, 2015 at 21:35

    Lol I like the title of this piece. It sounds like a socially conscious slogan.

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:46

      Haha, doesn’t it? Quite a thing. And I’m, the sudden, a generous thief. Which, you must admit, Sonya, is rather cool.

      • 7 Sonya Solomonovich November 20, 2015 at 23:45

        Yes, you are like a Robin Hood of the Punchylands.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke November 22, 2015 at 19:07

        I am? Nice! I just have to get a red feather now, you know.

  4. 9 Lady Dunamis November 19, 2015 at 20:42

    The quote was brilliant as usual and funny. Who would have ever thought of a generous thief?! Lol! Good times.

    Now as for this icicle vision…PVJ you are so dramatic. You need a tv sitcom.

    Not shocked you got away since you are as slippery as an eel dipped in Crisco but I am a tad bit surprised you didn’t have a plan for the katana. Tell you what. How about you give it back and allow someone else to be a thief, hence, you will be the first to become a generous thief.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:46

      I’m something of a generous thief, since I stole from goodwill, see.

      *laughs* I’m not…dramatic!

      Oh, that’s such a good idea! Maybe I can just give the scabbard away?

      • 11 Lady Dunamis November 20, 2015 at 15:46

        Goodwill? That’s an all time low even in the PL. Welp, if you are gonna be a generous thief, perhaps taking from a prince might be more fitting Robin Hood…lol!

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke November 22, 2015 at 19:00

        *laughs* Now, here’s the thing. I’d love to be Robin Hood! Sign me up please.

  5. 13 John W. Howell November 19, 2015 at 18:08

    Run home and set up a defense system. I have found yellow squash keeps most everyone away. Place bowls of it around the outside of the house.

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:45

      *laughs* Brilliant! I shall do this. Do you have any yellow squash I can borrow?

      • 15 John W. Howell November 20, 2015 at 20:40

        I think it is available at a toxic dump site. I break out in a rash when I get near it.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke November 22, 2015 at 19:06

        Aha. It sounds like a war weapon.

      • 17 John W. Howell November 22, 2015 at 19:11

        You have heard of being squashed. Yes?

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke November 23, 2015 at 16:28

        Aha! That’s where it comes from?

      • 19 John W. Howell November 23, 2015 at 16:35


  6. 20 Susan P November 19, 2015 at 15:40


    • 21 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:41

      *pours water on Susan* Are you okay?

      • 22 Susan P November 29, 2015 at 18:21

        Sorry, I was overcome.

  7. 23 PorterGirl November 19, 2015 at 15:20

    *laughing lots* This is brilliant! I feel like I am there amongst that chaos. It seems that you have employed a double negative to make a positive. But although your plan is good, it is only really half a plan. So a half and a positive makes… well, I don’t know because I can’t do maths. But you should probably keep running!

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:41

      *laughs* Yes, keep running is key. Can you believe that chaos? Goodness. I barely escaped with my life. Now, maybe I should get the diamond too. Then I’ll have both. And I can buy an island.

      • 25 PorterGirl November 20, 2015 at 15:38

        That sounds like a great plan. I hope I can visit the island because islands are a penchant of mine. I think you must create the chaos! It is wherever you go.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke November 22, 2015 at 18:59

        *laughs* That could be a truth. My middle name just might be chaos.

      • 27 PorterGirl November 22, 2015 at 19:45

        Or honeycomb *laughs*

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke November 23, 2015 at 16:29

        Look! I see bees!

      • 29 PorterGirl November 23, 2015 at 16:41


  8. 30 FictionFan November 19, 2015 at 15:17

    Gosh, that was so exciting I may have to have extra chocolate to recover! Old Shnoddy’s getting a bit moralistic isn’t he? Time someone threw some pillows at him, I feel. Well, you’ve stolen it – now what? I suggest you use it to break in and steal the diamond – since Prince Beef is going to chop your head off anyway, it would be a shame if I – sorry, I mean, you – didn’t get your hands on that…

    • 31 Susan P November 19, 2015 at 15:39

      but he let Schwartzie get hurt!

      • 32 FictionFan November 19, 2015 at 15:43

        Oh, my Schwarzy is indestructible. And he’ll be working out his revenge as we speak – Schwarzy always wins in the end. (But don’t tell the Professor that – I think he thinks he’s the hero of these stories… *chuckles mischievously*)

      • 33 Susan P November 19, 2015 at 15:43

        That is good to know.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:41

        I’m the anti-hero. Schwarz and Parker will no doubt come for revenge. The beasts. You tell Schwarz to be nice.

      • 35 Susan P November 29, 2015 at 18:22

        I will await.

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:40

      You know, now that you bring it up, I wonder: Do you suppose Shnod’s ever been in a pillow fight? Probably not. But then again, maybe he was the reigning pillow champion when he was a yonker.

      But then I’ll have the diamond and the sword…hey! I can sell them and buy back PT News!

      • 37 FictionFan November 20, 2015 at 15:44

        I doubt it – he was probably writing poetry while everyone else played…

        You should! That’d annoy Julia…

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke November 22, 2015 at 19:00

        Yuck! Imagine doing that. *shudders*

        Good point! *considers*

  9. 39 L. Marie November 19, 2015 at 15:16

    Good on you! I only hope LottieOllie doesn’t stumble upon you. She has a horrible way of turning up.

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke November 20, 2015 at 14:39

      Doesn’t she, though? Her and malone. That’d be awful.

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