Katanas Fly, Don’t You Know

Never lay your eyes on something beautiful; if you do, you might want to steal that beautiful thing just to get your eyes back. 

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, here it is in a nutcase.

Wait.

That wasn’t quite right, was it?

See, the thing that’s wrong with expressions and figures of speech is that they’re just wrong. One can’t wrap their minds around them all the time. And they’re always evolving.

Like the professor’s ideas on the Krampus, for instance.

krampus-11

The Krampus. I think I have a relative who looks like this.

Anyways and some, what I’m trying to say is this:

The professor had successfully stolen the Jeweled Katana. But I’d only stolen it to save it from being used to steal the Diamond of Drake.

So, I’m righteous, see. It was a rare good deed.

And before you ask, no, I don’t usually do good deeds.

I do bad deeds. And they’re dirt cheep, usually.

Have you ever tried to run in the dark?

I don’t recommend it.

This professor was having a go of it. And I was running with a naked katana in my hands.

Now, by naked, I mean it was scabbard-less. You didn’t know that, did you? Scabbard-less swords are called naked swords. That’s in warrior speech, see.

Anyways, this professor was running.

And Clara–she had the scabbard, pulled it right off the blade–was probably running in a different direction.

Prince Beef had probably ordered his troops to kill me, if they caught me. I bet he did.

This professor–since it was so dark–stuck close to the tea shop building. (Clara works there.)

Actually, when the soldiers came running at me, I ran around the building.

I was just making my way around the back wall–at a full run, mind you–when I collided with Clara, who was apparently doing the same exact thing.

Our escape plans were dubious at best.

The professor should mention here that the Jeweled Katana flew from my grip when Clara hit me.

Well, it didn’t fly. But it left in a hurry.

3310c07254942226dbbf256513bcdb51

This is a katana. But not the Jeweled Katana, mind you.

We both hit the ground rather hard.

The professor was dazed for a moment.

But Clara recovered faster.

“You stole the sword?!” she shrieked.

But that was it. Or, all she had time to say.

Prince Beef’s guards were upon us.

We were captured.

Not niceness.

PL Symbol

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100 Responses to “Katanas Fly, Don’t You Know”


  1. 1 InfiniteZip December 4, 2015 at 09:19

    I thought it was a dirty deed, done dirt cheap….but I think you were right in stealing it…as long as you fessed up.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 20:00

      But I won’t, of course. I’m a dirty deed, you know, Zippy.

  2. 3 bardictale December 3, 2015 at 09:52

    Do I need to mount a rescue?

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:49

      Yes, please. Will you?

      • 5 bardictale December 4, 2015 at 10:03

        Sure. I’ll get to it after the cookies are done.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 20:00

        And the cherry suckers.

      • 7 bardictale December 6, 2015 at 13:03

        Nope. Didn’t make any of those.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:24

        Dadblameit!

  3. 9 Simply Skeptical December 2, 2015 at 00:07

    Oh my goodness such excitement in the darkness. I hope beef doesn’t get too beefy. Beef and katana’s hmmm….

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:42

      He’s captured me, the beast. I shall break free, tho.

  4. 11 Sonya Solomonovich December 1, 2015 at 22:31

    Also, I love the opening sentence “here it is in a nutcase.” Brilliant!

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:42

      Thank you! I say things like that, see.

  5. 13 Sonya Solomonovich December 1, 2015 at 22:31

    You must fight them, professor, and break free!

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:42

      I shall try! What should be done to Clara, Sonya?

      • 15 Sonya Solomonovich December 2, 2015 at 20:03

        I don’t know, that depends on how you view her now… a partner in crime? competitor in crime? love interest? ;)

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:40

        Well, I’m heartless, so…but I probably should help her, huh?

  6. 17 Lady Dunamis December 1, 2015 at 19:06

    I think Schnodgrate’s quotes are brilliant and incorporating them is genius. Kudos to you PVJ. 😇

    Now back to the seriousness at hand. How did you manage to lose the katana? And a naked one at that?

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:41

      The halo! It’s back. Tis the season, I suppose. *bows*

      Clara made it naked, then she made me lose it. What should be done to her?

      • 19 Lady Dunamis December 2, 2015 at 13:24

        Off with her head….or not.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:34

        You do the dirty work, Lady.

      • 21 Lady Dunamis December 2, 2015 at 22:23

        It’s a line from a movie. Not that I would do that of course.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:46

        If you did, you might lose your halo, I’m thinking.

      • 23 Lady Dunamis December 3, 2015 at 14:49

        The halo is immovable my friend….lol!

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:50

        What?! You mean you can never lose it?

      • 25 Lady Dunamis December 3, 2015 at 14:51

        Nevah!

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:48

        For some reason, that sounds much stronger than just ‘never’. I dig.

  7. 27 Debbie December 1, 2015 at 18:32

    After all this, you lost the katana?? Oh, dear, and now you’ve gone and gotten yourself captured by the very one who knows you took the sword in the first place, yikes! One should never run in the dark, Professor, especially with a pointy object like a katana (didn’t your mother warn you about running with scissors and such??). As for the Krampus, that’s a horrid-looking thing — it would have frightened the who’sits out of me as a child, let alone what it does now!!

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:41

      I can’t believe it either! I’m going to swear: Dadblameit. Here’s the thing, don’t you think I’ll be able to get it back? Maybe. See, it’s all Clara’s fault. I had no choice but to run!

      *laughs* The Krampus…isn’t that awful?

  8. 29 Susan P December 1, 2015 at 16:24

    Now see here. You seem to be destruct a good many pieces of property and now you have added beating on women. We shall have to look into things and take notes. Then there will have to be an inquiry. Ah, we need to get to the bottom of it.

    • 30 Lady Dunamis December 1, 2015 at 19:08

      Ya know, I wonder if he is a closet woman beater and his fantasies are revealed in print? We are gonna have to keep an eye on him!

      • 31 Susan P December 1, 2015 at 21:37

        Keep an eye on you.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:41

        Hey hey! someone is soiling my great reputation.

      • 33 Lady Dunamis December 2, 2015 at 13:27

        I am only pointing out the bread crumbs you leave behind, rather the bread crumbs Susan pointed out. It seems to me since Daddy Salami is on break you have been rising up to the occasion. Makes me wonder if yous twos are distant cousins.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:35

        Well, we can’t possibly be related since he has red hair, you know. It’s an impossibility, the sudden. I’m not near as wicked as he is!!

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:40

      *laughs* Beating on women? She ran into me, dadblameit! I think George would be on my side here as well, don’t you know. Let’s take notes, but heavily weighted in my favor, please.

      • 36 Susan P December 2, 2015 at 13:48

        Do you have witnesses?

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:35

        Yes, my dogs, for instance.

      • 38 Susan P December 2, 2015 at 23:14

        I haven’t ever seen your dogs. Don’t hold back, now.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:49

        There’s an all black one and a sable one, see.

      • 40 Susan P December 3, 2015 at 15:01

        Sorry. You said they are two black dogs did you say? Because they look pretty dark both of them. I have a cat that looks like that second one. And who let them out?

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:49

        Oh no. Only one is black. And the other…is…I’m not even sure! I let them out all the time.

      • 42 Susan P December 5, 2015 at 01:02

        Make them learn tricks. That should keep you busy awhile.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:21

        What sort of tricks?

      • 44 Susan P December 10, 2015 at 14:29

        Anything you can use to divert their attention away from your mischief. That was easy!

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:11

        Aren’t I talented?

      • 46 Susan P December 11, 2015 at 11:36

        Only if you danced with the stars.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:10

        I’d dance only with the red ones.

      • 48 Susan P December 16, 2015 at 11:32

        The Russians?

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:28

        *laughs* Good one.

      • 50 Susan P December 17, 2015 at 17:35

        Gotta take care when dancing with the Russians.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:16

        But why?

  9. 52 Heartafire December 1, 2015 at 15:57

    Schnodgrates aphorisms put Hippocrates to shame! I am awed (in awe). You must regain possession of the sword professor, after all it is the holiday season. coughs. I adore your illustrations, Krampus looks familiar.
    Can you tell me more about Clara? Enjoy the day, do stay out of trouble.

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:38

      Hollie!! Shnodgrate is something. He’s such a weasel when it comes to proverbs. I know! I must get the sword back. Where do you suppose it flew off to?

      You know the Krampus?

      Well, what would you like to know about her?

      • 54 Heartafire December 2, 2015 at 13:43

        The Krampus lives next door. Schnodgrate has my deepest sympathy, is that Gertrude? Dear Clara, such a hard life!

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:35

        You mean you’re on Clara’s side? I think she hates me, Hollie.

      • 56 Heartafire December 2, 2015 at 21:27

        She is just playing hard to get. She’s so coy!

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:45

        Well, you go get her for me, Hollie.

      • 58 Heartafire December 3, 2015 at 17:01

        I don’t think so.Her name is Clara, that’s right up there with Gertrude.

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:54

        *laughing lots* Is there a name you like?

      • 60 Heartafire December 4, 2015 at 20:40

        yes

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:13

        Sam?

      • 62 Heartafire December 10, 2015 at 14:50

        That’s a fine name, I like that. “play it again Sam”. It has a certain ring to it.

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:13

        Oh, I know the movie! I was on set in those days.

      • 64 Heartafire December 11, 2015 at 14:10

        me too, I was in that plane that took off in the fog. I was waving, did you see me?

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:13

        Well…I…well…the fog!

      • 66 Heartafire December 13, 2015 at 23:33

        Yes the fog. That’s all I’ve got :)

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:57

        Me too. It’s a good thing to blame, after all.

      • 68 Heartafire December 15, 2015 at 20:58

        the fog, dadblame it.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:23

        Double dadblameit.

      • 70 Heartafire December 17, 2015 at 15:41

        Oh, I do blame it…big time.

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:11

        *laughs* Then double the dadblameits, I say.

  10. 72 sonmi upon the Cloud December 1, 2015 at 15:49

    “Never lay your eyes on something beautiful; if you do, you might want to steal that beautiful thing just to get your eyes back. “~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

    By the Gods, that’s good! As is the tale above. Prince Beef sounds a bit dastardly. Does he have a pointy bearded despot’s beard?

    – The Cloudy One

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:37

      Isn’t that something? Now, here’s the thing Sonmi: How may times have you laid your eyes on something and left them behind? I bet…four.

      You know, PB actually doesn’t. As clean shaven as a pickle. Isn’t that something?

      • 74 sonmi upon the Cloud December 2, 2015 at 21:50

        It is something! There, you have something of your own now. You’re very welcome *shakes his hand*.

        I have rolled my eyes a billion times, and left them behind very rarely when setting them upon something. Unless the something is quite something special indeed. You were close, it has happened three times.

        – Sonmi of Cloud fame

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:46

        Well, how many eyes do a cloudy have?

      • 76 sonmi upon the Cloud December 3, 2015 at 14:53

        Today just the two, tomorrow however, there might well be eight, the eyes change when the skins change usually, and who knows when that might happen? *nods seriously*.

        – – sonmi of many eyes sees all upon the Cloud

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:48

        Oh, I always know when they’re about to change. *feeling wise*

      • 78 Esme upon the Cloud December 5, 2015 at 15:18

        ‘Wise’ has put several complaints in about those feeling fingers of yours Professor I hear. And anyway, you did see something coming to the Cloud…

        – esme upon the Cloud

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:23

        You changed your name, Esme!

  11. 80 PorterGirl December 1, 2015 at 15:16

    Oh, eek and double eek! It seems you and Clara are in quite the situation. Things I especially like about this episode – Shnodgrate’s introduction – very true. Also – the high drama and action, accompanied by some nakedness. Finally – the AC/DC reference.

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke December 1, 2015 at 15:37

      You got the AC/DC reference! *fist thingy* Awesome, you!

      Shnodgrate did have a good point. I never thought about leaving my eyes behind, really.

      I lost the sword, tho…can you believe it? It’s Clara–and John’s–fault!

      • 82 PorterGirl December 1, 2015 at 16:23

        *fist thingy* Of course! It’s one of my faves.
        Well, eyes have a habit of wandering so they don’t need the temptation, I say.
        A travesty! But… maybe you can get it back. I blame Clara. She hasn’t been nearly helpful enough thus far.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:39

        That singer has such a distinctive voice…

        Eyes are always wandering around. Perfect buggers.

        She’s no help at all! Just blaming me is all. Do you suppose we’ll get guillotined?

      • 84 PorterGirl December 2, 2015 at 13:16

        I feel that you shall escape the wrath of the guillotine, but you might be spanked until your bottom turns purple.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:32

        How awful is that! I wouldn’t let them do that, of course. No one should be spanked. It’s a sad thing to do to a person. *laughs*

      • 86 PorterGirl December 2, 2015 at 20:39

        A dreadful fate! Of course I would mount a valiant rescue attempt should spanking come into the equation.

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 20:41

        Yes, you would have to, of course. Goodness. What a scary fate that is!

      • 88 PorterGirl December 2, 2015 at 21:18

        Suddenly the guillotine doesn’t seem so bad! *laughs* you know I would always rescue you, of course.

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:45

        Or, I could just borrow into the ground, like a worm. I’m working on perfecting that technique.

      • 90 PorterGirl December 3, 2015 at 15:19

        A worthy thing to practice. How will you know which end is your head? You don’t want to burrow with the wrong end.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:49

        *laughs* My ears are on my head, of course!

      • 92 PorterGirl December 4, 2015 at 20:43

        What an excellent way of remembering! In future I shall check each end for ears.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:14

        That’s the key. It’s difficult, since they’re tiny ears, but that’s how it’s done.

      • 94 PorterGirl December 10, 2015 at 14:23

        Now I know the secret, I shall practice this new-found skill diligently *nods*

  12. 95 John W. Howell December 1, 2015 at 15:15

    Look like another fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into.

    • 96 Professor VJ Duke December 1, 2015 at 15:36

      Well, I think I’ll have to work on my escape act now. But can you believe I lost the sword? It is your fault.

      • 97 John W. Howell December 1, 2015 at 19:09

        How is it my fault?

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke December 2, 2015 at 12:42

        I’m truly sorry, my good fellow. I just need someone to blame.

      • 99 John W. Howell December 2, 2015 at 23:18

        Oh. Well that’s fine. Yeah it’s all my fault.

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke December 3, 2015 at 14:49

        And maybe a bit of mind.


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