Swordless & Maybe Captured

If you’re to blame, blame someone else. If someone else is to blame, blame them. If no one is to blame, blame yourself.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledClara and I were hustled into the night.

We didn’t exactly go into the night, see, but you know what I’m trying to say.

After forcing us to our feet, and binding our hands–with some sort of cord that I was tempted to try to break–Prince Beef’s guards led us back to the palace.

The leader of the guards was Toby.

How did I know, you ask?

He kept saying it.

“Haha, Prince Beef will love Toby after this,” he said.

“I can’t believe that was so easy for Toby, to capture the convicts.”

“Toby will probably get a statue after this. In gold, too.”

And on and on. All the way back to the palace.

The professor hated Toby with a passion, which is odd, since heartless people don’t have passions, I hear.

Anyways, it was still rather late at night, or early in the morning, depending on how you look at things.

“So, you stole that sword?” Clara hissed at me as we moved along in step.

Toby was still singing his praises.

“Well, it’s more complicated than that,” I assured her. “See, I stole it to stop it from being stolen.”

There was silence for a few.

Finally: “Next time you want to play stupid, count me out.”

She snapped that. Like a dog, for instance.

Not to say Clara looks like this. But the hairstyle is similar, if you were to cut off one of the ears. All of Clara's hair hangs to the side. Well, usually. It was sorta messed right now.

Not to say Clara looks like this. But the hairstyle is similar, if you were to cut off one of the ears. All of Clara’s hair hangs to the side. Well, usually. It was sorta messed right now.

“I promise to do that,” this professor answered.

Then I added: “Too bad you had to touch that scabbard. And work so late in the Tea Shop, or none of this would’ve happened. You must blame yourself, see.”

She turned on me with shock. “How dare–”

“And that’s the thing,” I said. “What were you doing in the Tea Shop that late?”

“Hey, you two.”

It was Toby. Now, Toby has bunches of floppy blond hair on his head. It’s a wonder he can see. Or hear. Or even smell, really.

“Enough yelling. Be quiet. Like the night.”

But just before we entered the palace doors, Clara said something that I seriously didn’t think about:

“I can’t wait to see how you and Toby handle the fact that the katana is lost!!”

And with that, she moved her head in a weird, tossing fashion, and we were in the palace.

dadblameit

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81 Responses to “Swordless & Maybe Captured”


  1. 1 L. Marie December 3, 2015 at 23:28

    Does Toby always refer to himself in the third person? Weird!
    I don’t think Clara is the woman for you. She’s too rude. I agree with FEF. Cut off Clara’s hair. That would stop her from tossing it.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:59

      *laughing lots* Just cut it off? You do it! *hands Linda the choppers* I’m too scared, see.

  2. 3 Simply Skeptical December 3, 2015 at 23:04

    Ha, ha… you seriously didN’T care about Prince Beef’s reaction to the lost katana that’s funny. I’m glad you’re not bullied. Stay on Clara’s long hair side should be safe there.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:59

      Well, there might be rats on that side, I Fear.

  3. 5 Lady Dunamis December 3, 2015 at 22:57

    Is Clara professing herself to be mad? If so, that is a brilliant move. I know you won’t do such a thing because it might be a bit….un-professor-ish of you.

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:59

      She better not do that! Imagine the situation I’d be in! But that is a brilliant defense, I must admit. See how wicked you are?

      • 7 Lady Dunamis December 4, 2015 at 20:07

        Classic PVJ deflection.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:12

        *laughs* You’re not supposed to be able to tell!

      • 9 Lady Dunamis December 10, 2015 at 18:38

        Eagle eye prophetess over here son!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:22

        Hmm. That’s a cool name. I might steal it, the sudden. And I”m grandfather not son. I’m too old, see.

      • 11 Lady Dunamis December 11, 2015 at 03:25

        😂😂😂

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:27

        Huff-Humm-eth.

  4. 13 Nancy Loderick December 3, 2015 at 20:14

    Oh dear Professor,

    You got yourself and poor Clara into quite a pickle! That’s what happens when you deal with swords.

    Nancy

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:58

      Now, now, don’t go blaming the katana! I think Mr. Ken would love it.

      • 15 Nancy Loderick December 6, 2015 at 19:26

        Well Professor,

        As long as donuts were involved somehow, somewhere, Mr. Ken would love it! :)

        Nancy

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:24

        *laughs* I thought so!

  5. 17 Heartafire December 3, 2015 at 19:45

    Hustled into the night…can I use that in my next film noir screenplay? As you know I am highly influenced by names. Now you have thrown Toby into the pot It’s hard to imagine Toby as a threat. Schnodgrate on the other hand rocks. Have a lovely day Prof.

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:58

      Isn’t Toby an awful name? You know it is. Yes, Shnodgrate. That’s a wonder of a name.

      You write noir films? Of course you do.

      • 19 Heartafire December 4, 2015 at 20:40

        laughs loud.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:13

        If I had a dog, I might name it Toby.

      • 21 Heartafire December 10, 2015 at 14:50

        it would forgive you eventually.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:13

        *laughing lots* That comment is epic!

      • 23 Heartafire December 11, 2015 at 14:09

        Toby doesn’t think so.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:13

        Toby! I’m going to throw him in the sea.

      • 25 Heartafire December 13, 2015 at 23:26

        That’s your solution to everything! Poor Toby. I’m starting to feel a strange affection for the unfortunate offspring of someone who thought Toby a suitable name for a livimg being . Sigh.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:57

        *laughing* Will you adopt him maybe?

      • 27 Heartafire December 15, 2015 at 20:59

        Toby’s okay in my book, he needs all the support he can get. getting all weepy.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:23

        *laughs* Let’s have the courts change his name.

      • 29 Heartafire December 17, 2015 at 15:40

        How about Percy? That’s a fine moniker.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:10

        That is! Definitely Rougish.

      • 31 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 15:12

        Why don’t we just throw him to the bullies?

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:26

        Yes, let’s do it. And hope for the worst.

      • 33 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 17:15

        Poor Per…Toby. Have a heart Professor! His name is Toby, isn’t that sad enough?

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:10

        Haha. Okay! We should change it then. For an early Christmas gift.

      • 35 Heartafire December 21, 2015 at 15:05

        Toby will love us forever.No more being shoved in to a locker.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:33

        Haha, right. He’ll love us forever. Which is good.

      • 37 Heartafire December 22, 2015 at 16:38

        yes, cause we are good, right? Come on…we are so good.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:28

        Really very good. Tho, no one notices.

      • 39 Heartafire December 23, 2015 at 17:41

        so what’s in it for us?

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke December 26, 2015 at 16:44

        Cookies?

      • 41 Heartafire December 26, 2015 at 17:13

        Cherry cookies.

  6. 42 John W. Howell December 3, 2015 at 17:45

    Boy you and Toby have a problem. Blame him immediately.

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:57

      *laughing* We’re dead, huh?

      • 44 John W. Howell December 4, 2015 at 23:28

        I think so.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:21

        Unless I still have that 9mm you gave me.

      • 46 John W. Howell December 10, 2015 at 18:37

        I hope you have it. It’s registered to me.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:21

        That means…they can track it to you!

      • 48 John W. Howell December 11, 2015 at 14:15

        Yes so don’t lose it.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:16

        I promise. I shall guard it with my eyes.

      • 50 John W. Howell December 13, 2015 at 20:46

        Sounds good.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:52

        But if I lose it, I shall let you know as soon as possible.

  7. 52 FictionFan December 3, 2015 at 17:24

    Personally, I blame Shnoddy – for everything!

    FEF hates Toby. FEF thinks Prince Beef probably hates Toby too – ‘cos really, who wouldn’t? (Now I feel a bit sorry for him, actually…) It’s a pity you lost the katana, but I guess it comes from being distracted by girls – warriors really need to be careful about these things. Look at Samson! Maybe if you cut off Clara’s hair she would lose her power over you…

    (Don’t you dare cut off one of that gorgeous little dog’s ears, or I shall… I shall… well, I won’t tell you, but it’ll hurt! *growls snappishly*)

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:55

      He’s a Scot, after all.

      *laughs* That was good. Toby is probably just trying to make some money for his fam or something like that. But imagine if I cut off her hair! Girls would hate that sort of thing. Unless she’s wearing a wig. I think most girls wear wigs, you know.

      (If you do anything, I’ll…throw the ear at you, madam!)

      • 54 FictionFan December 4, 2015 at 23:00

        *gasps* Is not! Prove it! Get him to appear in the next skit speaking with a Scottish accent…

        See, that proves you’re sweet on her – you didn’t hesitate to chop off Julia’s hair! We do. We also wear masks – you wouldn’t believe what we look like in real life…

        (Aww, that’s sweet! Did you know that in bullfighting rituals the matador cuts off the ear of the vanquished bull and gives it to a woman as a… token of his esteem? You know, when I think about it, men are quite weird…)

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:18

        Oh, he’s scared of doing things like that. He’ll probably refuse, see.

        Well, Julia declared war first. I’m a peaceable chap, until I’m declared war on, see. *laughs* I just might believe it…

        (I didn’t know that at all! Very odd. But you seem to forget that the ladies take it. That makes them weirder.)

      • 56 FictionFan December 10, 2015 at 18:26

        Hah! He’s probably English… or Welsh!

        Uh-huh! It’s just coincidence then that you’re always in the middle of a rumpus… *raises quizzical eyebrow*

        (*laughs lots* You may have a point…)

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:19

        Welsh! That sounds like juice for some reason. There’s a juice company called that, I think. I love juice.

        *laughs* It’s not! I create lots of rumpuses. See, I like to create big fights then sit back and watch the explosions. I do this all the time.

        (Men and women are weird. Let’s face it.)

      • 58 FictionFan December 11, 2015 at 17:04

        You better not let the Welsh rugby team hear you say that! Orange juice is the best…

        Trouble-maker! And yet you look so deceptively sweet…

        (*laughs* T&T agree with you!)

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:19

        I’m not even sure what a rugby team is. No, cherry!

        I am sweet. Just like a noodle.

      • 60 FictionFan December 14, 2015 at 19:45

        It’s like an American football tem, only tougher!

        Before or after it’s been cooked?

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:58

        Oh…how many deaths do they have a year? About 25 for the NFL, see.

        Probably after, huh?

      • 62 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 01:39

        Exactly! Rugby players are so tough, they survive!!

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:35

        *laughs* You were not supposed to respond that way! *goes back to the book of great come backs to study*

      • 64 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 17:49

        I won again! *preens proudly*

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:19

        Any victory dance?

  8. 66 Debbie December 3, 2015 at 15:46

    I really don’t like snippy little dogs with bob haircuts, Professor. That thing looks hungry — but at least its teeth are clean, unlike Krampus!

    Speaking of hair, I need a better description of Clara tossing her head about in a weird fashion. All sorts of mental pictures come to me over that, and I must know whether I’m spot on!

    Wait, what? The katana’s lost? Oh, boy, you and Clara are really in hot water now! It wasn’t enough that you stole the thing to prevent somebody else from stealing it — now you’ve gone and lost it, too? Uh-oh, I don’t see this coming out very well at all!

    • 67 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:54

      Well, the Krampus can’t have clean teeth, after all. Because then it wouldn’t be scary. (Dallas is wayyyyyyyyjyyyyyy better looking.)

      Well, you know…it’s…it’s…don’t all girls do that? You know, flip it up and whatnot? Walt knows what I’m talking about.

      *laughs* I know! I’ll just tell them I hid it early.

  9. 68 walt walker December 3, 2015 at 15:28

    I like pictures of cat dogs. That’s a good one. I hope you are speaking to Toby like he’s not present. “Where is Toby taking us?” That sort of thing.

    • 69 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:50

      *laughs* Cat dogs! What a thingy right there. It’s epic, Mr. Walt. I should’ve. Rats. But I didn’t.

  10. 70 Susan P December 3, 2015 at 15:19

    I hope you all brought lots of coconuts because you are SO going to need them. Either that, start running. Run run run like dear.

    • 71 Professor VJ Duke December 4, 2015 at 19:49

      Now, why do I need coconuts, pray?

      • 72 Susan P December 5, 2015 at 01:02

        It is good for so many things,

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:21

        Like eating, I suppose.

      • 74 Susan P December 10, 2015 at 14:30

        And learning how to throw medieval weapons.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:11

        I’m good at that! *throws cliffhanger*

      • 76 Susan P December 11, 2015 at 11:37

        To be really cool you need to do it in a blizzard in April.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:10

        But that’s so impossible!

      • 78 Susan P December 16, 2015 at 11:32

        Ah, but I have seen it.

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:28

        Hmm. In Florida?

      • 80 Susan P December 17, 2015 at 17:34

        That was not on the list. Though I have seen ice on the ground.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:16

        Black ice?


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