Katana, MIA

When you lose something that belongs to somebody else, it’s wrong. It shows a lack of caring. When you lose something that belongs to somebody else on purpose, it shows cunning.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet


Prince Beef was gloating.

I could tell that the minute we were before him, cramped into his tiny, stuffy, tiny, stuffy, office.


It looked sorta like this: An old bathroom turned office. A transformation that could baffle even the brightest of scientists and pigeons.

Toby was also gloating.

“My prince,” he said, “here are the convicts.”

Clara and I were sorta standing in the doorway (the office was a little bigger than what’s pictured above).

Toby was also standing close, and a few guards were behind us.

Not much of a chance for an escape, see.

As soon as Prince Beef saw Clara, he looked surprised.

Of course, she blurted out:

“I’ve got nothing to do with this! I didn’t steal your sword!”

“Quiet, peasant,” the prince shouted, rising to his feet in a grand way. “Quiet, or I’ll lop off your ears!”

And he was quite pleased with the threat.

“You wouldn’t dare!” Clara hissed back.

What a surprise. The girl had spunk, you must admit. Of course, the professor has more.

The prince was equally taken aback.

“I certainly would dare!” he said, bobbing his head back and forth and making the feather in his cap wiggle like a worm’s bottom.

“In fact,” he said, starting to pace unsuccessfully in the cramped space, “I dare many things that a girl like you would be shocked to learn!”

“But probably not me,” I answered.

He looked at me. “You’re lucky. I’m in a nice mood today. I just might overlook the stealing of my sword. Toby, hand me the katana.

“As for the other two–your filthy accomplishes”–Prince Beef chuckled here; he was referring to Schwarz Tauptinker and Bud Parker–“I gave them to the ogre, Fats Henry. They will now serve him forever on his horridly disgusting floating island. You and your girlfriend are lucky.”

“I’m not his girlfriend!” Clara said, angrily too.

“Yes, quite right,” I said, “my girlfriend won’t have ears that are lopped off.”

I scored a horrid look for that one.

Prince Beef smiled, but it was a disgusting smile, mind you.

“The katana, Toby,” he said, putting out his hand. The prince didn’t even look at Toby. Rather, he turned his gaze upward. In a lofty manner.

Toby handed him the scabbard.

Clara shot me a smug look, but then it dawned on her that the prince thought she was equally as guilty as this professor. Her face darkened.

The prince gave a double-take.

“Yes, yes!” he said impatiently. “Nice. I see the scabbard. The sword?”

“The sword is probably in the scabbard,” Toby answered.

And it clearly wasn’t.

I mean, as an example, how can you confuse this:


For this:


“It is not!!!!” the prince screamed, slamming his little, heeled boot on the ground.

He was turning red in the face, too.

“Where is it?! Where is my Jeweled Katana?!”

A few gulps.

“It’s Missing in Action,” I said.

PL Symbol


108 Responses to “Katana, MIA”

  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich December 8, 2015 at 20:28

    I’m actually starting to like Clara! Maybe you can be friends after this is over. Also, I never thought Prince Beef would have such a small office. Why do you think that is?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:27

      I bet the other room he has are taken up by his glass collection or something.

      Now, why do you like her?

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich December 10, 2015 at 22:43

        Glass collection? I’d like to see that. He must have some interesting things in there.
        As for Clara, she seems somewhat brave, standing up to Prince Beef like that. Does the professor like her a little bit? Maybe FictionFan is right, this is a romance? ;)

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:26

        Oh he does. All sorts of odd shapes and sizes. It’s a thing. You would dig it.

        Umm…umm…no! What makes you think that? She’s definitely brave…

      • 5 Sonya Solomonovich December 16, 2015 at 09:33

        I’m sure I would!
        As for Clara, methinks the professor doth protest too much.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:26

        Oh huff-hum. She got me shot after all!

  2. 7 L. Marie December 7, 2015 at 16:08

    Sigh. You sure can pick ’em. First Amelia, now Clara. Still I appreciated your quick comebacks. Now please redeem yourself and get out of this mess, Professor. And kick Clara to the curb while you’re at it.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:26

      Aha! Really? Glad to hear you say it. You’re so right, the sudden. I shall kick her down the drain.

      • 9 L. Marie December 11, 2015 at 14:13

        That’s the spirit!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:15

        *nods* The spirit!

  3. 11 PorterGirl December 7, 2015 at 07:09

    *laughing lots* This was quite the stand off! I am particularly delighted by the feather wobbling like a worm’s bottom – I have quite the fascination with worms’ bottoms, as you know. And I am pleased to hear that your girlfriend has ears. No doubt she is pleased about it to – without them she wouldn’t be able to hear me be pleased about such a thing!

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:26

      Yes, isn’t that something? Why would one have a feather wobbling like a worm’s bottom? Every time PB walks about, one thinks of a worm’s bottom. I’ll have to mention that to him.

      *laughs* Ears are so important! Aren’t they?

      • 13 PorterGirl December 10, 2015 at 14:27

        Worms’ bottoms seem to be a regular feature of our conversations, Professor. I shall be sure to check for the ears in future so I can avoid the bottoms. That’s why ears are so important!

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:11

        *laughing* I’m sure it’s all your fault, too…

      • 15 PorterGirl December 11, 2015 at 09:02

        Nothing is ever my fault, you must remember this *laughs*

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:09

        If I must, I”ll remember for one second only, see.

  4. 17 bardictale December 6, 2015 at 20:35

    Sorry, really bad traffic. Should get there soon- don’t antagonize him!

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:25

      How will you calm him down?

      • 19 bardictale December 10, 2015 at 20:06

        Tea and cookies, of course!
        And if that doesn’t work…well, I’ll try having a few speaks with him.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:24

        And maybe a slap or two?

      • 21 bardictale December 11, 2015 at 12:37

        That is only if the situation looks dire. Royals don’t take to slaps well.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:11

        That’s true, but if anyone can get away with it, you can, Bard!

      • 23 bardictale December 14, 2015 at 14:11

        But should I?

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:58

        Yes, please.

      • 25 bardictale December 16, 2015 at 10:03


      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:27

        Because he got me shot!

      • 27 bardictale December 17, 2015 at 21:37

        Oh. Well then…

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:21


      • 29 bardictale December 19, 2015 at 16:27

        Still no. I’ll invite him to a duel instead.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:19

        Oh, okay. Can I watch?

      • 31 bardictale December 21, 2015 at 16:03

        Sure. Remember to bring an umbrella.
        And tea. Mustn’t forget the tea^~

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:34

        But why an umbrella?

      • 33 bardictale December 22, 2015 at 17:24

        Midday showers

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:30

        Oh, but I don’t use umbrellas…too girly, see!

      • 35 bardictale December 26, 2015 at 17:02

        Oh? What is so girly about them?

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 29, 2015 at 19:48

        Well, a spy-chap–like the professor, see–never uses one. Rain doesn’t hurt, after all.

      • 37 bardictale December 30, 2015 at 06:54

        Unless it’s acid rain

  5. 38 Debbie December 5, 2015 at 19:45

    I think Clara protests too much, although I’m with you when you say your girlfriend should have ears (after all, how can a musician play to a non-hearing audience??)

    If the Prince punished your accomplices by turning them into Fats Henry’s slaves, what must he have in mind for you and Clara? Nothing good, I’m guessing. Professor, you’d better have a Plan B in mind!!

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:24

      *laughing* That’s a very good point. I suppose you could do a dance with a guitar, too, that might be entertaining.

      I know! Any suggestions?

  6. 40 Susan P December 5, 2015 at 14:02

    Um… are you by chance reading a book of how not to win friends and influence people?

    • 41 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:23

      The exact book! You gave it to me, after all.

      • 42 Susan P December 10, 2015 at 14:31

        Excuse me? I did not.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:11

        Ya sure?

      • 44 Susan P December 11, 2015 at 11:38

        No, but I could be.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:10

        Then you must be.

      • 46 Susan P December 16, 2015 at 11:33

        In a sort of feminine manner.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:29

        Which means you’re not sure, since ladies never make up their minds.

      • 48 Susan P December 17, 2015 at 17:32

        Oh, yes we do. It’s a game, however, that men have a hard time understanding it.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:16

        But not this professor. I understand most things, see.

  7. 50 Lady Dunamis December 5, 2015 at 01:20

    I think Clara is your equal…just sayin’.

    It looks like your doomed and only a miracle will save you. Perhaps if I get you a nice pair of elf shorts with little jingle bells might be a great distraction for that great escape.

    • 51 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:22

      *laughing lots and lots* That would definitely work! But I’d be the laughing stock. I shan’t wear those, madam!

      My equal?

      • 52 Lady Dunamis December 10, 2015 at 18:41

        Yes, your equal and your welcome! I thought it would be such a small thing to share those jingle bell shorts with the WP population so I had to take it to the next level and share with your following in Twitter.

        Merry Christmas!

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:23

        *laughs* Well, thank you. You can now imagine me wearing these for Christmas.

      • 54 Lady Dunamis December 11, 2015 at 03:28

        Imagine? You have been smoking that Punchy Land weed🌾

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 19:47

        It’s called Sotsiz tea, excuse you!!

  8. 56 desertdweller29 December 4, 2015 at 23:14

    The Professor definitely has more spunk! As for that horrid look she gave you, I fear the Professor receives quite a bit of those in PL. Nothing comes between you and your katana.

    • 57 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:20

      That’s right! Love that last sentence, DD. Well, I get horrid looks all the time, even when I wear the Pats hat, you know.

  9. 58 John W. Howell December 4, 2015 at 22:47

    Uh Oh. The one who speaks first usually takes the brunt of the blame and punishment. Quick ask Clara to agree that the katana is missing.

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:17

      Do you think she’ll sell me out?

      • 60 John W. Howell December 10, 2015 at 18:37

        With out a doubt.

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:22

        Rats! That’s women for you.

      • 62 John W. Howell December 11, 2015 at 14:15

        Or Katanas

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:15

        You can’t blame such a lovely thing!

      • 64 John W. Howell December 13, 2015 at 20:46

        I guess not

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:53

        But it is fun, so I see why you did it. Go Pats.

      • 66 John W. Howell December 15, 2015 at 20:09

        Yes. Blame is always fun on something or someone else. Go Steelers

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:21

        Haha. The Steelers are the only AFC team, I think, who might beat the Pats. *scared*

      • 68 John W. Howell December 17, 2015 at 21:39

        We are coming for you.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:22

        *prepares for battle* No!

      • 70 John W. Howell December 18, 2015 at 23:24

        Can’t hide.

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:15

        I feel it in my bones now.

      • 72 John W. Howell December 21, 2015 at 18:01

        Them bones gonna walk around

  10. 73 FictionFan December 4, 2015 at 22:26

    Ah, you and Clara make such a sweet couple! It’s so lovely that you’ve decided to write a romance – it’s just like in Ms Austen’s books when the hero and heroine think at first they don’t get along and then find out they love each other in the last chapter! *sighs* But you’d better be intending to rescue my Schwarzy… or else!

    (Do worms have bottoms? How interesting! It’s not a subject I’ve considered before but now I’m fascinated. Whereabouts on a worm’s body would its bottom be? I mean, it can’t be at the top of its legs…)

    • 74 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:16

      *laughing* See, no wonder you think JA isn’t romance! I was planning on escaping first. Schwarz and Parker can take care of themselves, I’ll bet. Plus, Henry’s scary, you know.

      (Haha! Well, the bottom is on the opposite side from the ears, see.)

      • 75 FictionFan December 10, 2015 at 18:23

        It isn’t! It’s social commentary – just like your stories are so revealing about the society of the Punchy Lands! That’s just typical, thinking of yourself while my sweet Schwarzy is in peril! Get out of there now, sir, and be off to the rescue – I know very well that the Chubby One cannot scare a great warrior of your calibre!

        (*laughs lots* Poor little things! That must be so awful! No wonder they bury themselves – embarrassed, I expect!)

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:17

        Ah, the PL has the same society as earth, don’t you think? Still, you may have a point. But there is romance!! Don’t you think Schwarz can handle it? I mean, he’s something of a warrior after all. Or a warrior’s bottom. Hehe.

        (Could be. Or maybe they like the taste of dirt. It’s probably like chocolate without the sugar.)

      • 77 FictionFan December 11, 2015 at 16:57

        Hmm… an interesting question! Perhaps it’s like your bit of Earth… *quizzical expression* I know there is – you and Clara… and Julia… and Amelia… and every other woman within a 100-mile radius!! *gasps* How dare you! My Schwarzy’s bottom is not a subject for jokes, you know, you know… *indulges in a little daydream*

        (Hmm… perhaps I should sprinkle sugar on the dirt and try it…)

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:18

        Oh, you’ve just named all my female adversaries is all. That’s all. Poor Schwarz. You pick on him so.

        (*laughs* Make sure to eat the dirt that’s blacker. I hear that’s better for one.)

      • 79 FictionFan December 14, 2015 at 19:47

        A likely story! Me? It wasn’t me who started talking about his bottom, you know, you know… *stomps off*

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:59

        You infatuated with such things! All you noticed about the space book!

      • 81 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 01:41

        Excuse me, sir!! I had never in my life read a book about the roundness of otherwise of the posterior portion of the male anatomy until you made me!! And as for those Barsoomians – well, again, who made me read that?? Huh??

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:35

        Yes…but…but…I’d forgotten about that part! That’s girls for you. The Barsoomians don’t count! That wasn’t even mentioned. *grumbles*

      • 83 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 17:53

        A likely story, sir! You’re just trying to corrupt my sweet, innocent mind… *toddles off to look at some pics of Rafa’s shorts*

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:19

        *laughs* Only toddlers toddle off!

  11. 85 masgautsen December 4, 2015 at 21:13

    You seem to be in some trouble…

    • 86 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:15

      I know! Can you believe this? I’m always in trouble, tho.

      • 87 masgautsen December 11, 2015 at 05:43

        And you are still with us. Luckily!

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:03

        That’s because I quickly run, see!

  12. 89 Heartafire December 4, 2015 at 21:00

    Professor, I fear you are in a lot of trouble. This is a lot more serious than I assumed. I think you need legal assistance, call me.

    • 90 Professor VJ Duke December 10, 2015 at 14:15

      I shall give you a few rings, I think. Do you suppose I’ll be sent away for this?

      • 91 Heartafire December 10, 2015 at 14:46

        Perhaps, for a bit, but I hear the food is good and comfortable living quarters and friendly neighbors :-D

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke December 11, 2015 at 03:12

        But we don’t want neighbors! They expect things, see.

      • 93 Heartafire December 11, 2015 at 14:11

        neither a borrower nor lender be…they better not even come over for a cup of sugar cause we don’t play dat.

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:13

        Well, sugar is a thing one never can part with.

      • 95 Heartafire December 13, 2015 at 22:08

        It’s a. Total drug Must have !

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:55

        Drugs scare me, tho…

      • 97 Heartafire December 15, 2015 at 21:01

        me too, esp. sugar. I wonder if it is sold on the black market in lock-up?

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:24

        *nods* Probably a bit. Which is cool. I love the blackmarket.

      • 99 Heartafire December 17, 2015 at 15:39

        haha, laughing lots.

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:10

        Don’t turn me in!

      • 101 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 15:12

        mums the word.

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:26

        Very mum.

      • 103 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 17:14


      • 104 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:09

        Double shh.

      • 105 Heartafire December 21, 2015 at 15:06

        i can’t hear you….

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:33


      • 107 Heartafire December 22, 2015 at 16:38


  1. 1 Bad Food. Good Idea. | Secret Diary Of PorterGirl Trackback on December 8, 2015 at 08:06

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
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