Running Like an Elk

What goes around comes around, is only true if you send something bad around, it seems, which is a pity.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledPrince Beef couldn’t believe his katana was MIA.

But if you think about it, it starts to make sense.

This professor explained:

“See,” I said, “a katana is nothing more than a warrior. And warriors go missing in action all the time.”

It was succinct and I said it as sweetly as I could.

Now, the prince’s face was growing red. It was so red, in fact, that it looked like a beet married a tomato and had some red sauce on an onion.

tomato

It was that red.

His mouth was also hanging open.

“You look cranky,” I observed.

“Toby thinks this is awful,” Toby chimed in.

Not a good time.

Then Clara did the unthinkable. Her first plan of action wasn’t working too well, see.

Clara fell on her knees and began to sob, clutching at the prince’s…whatever that thing was he was wearing on his lower half.

Something between a ladies dress and a fellows slacks.

He was astounded, the prince was. And also a bit happy.

You see, he likes that sort of thing. The fawning.

“I’m so, so sorry!” she was crying. “It’s all his fault!”–this poor professor was pointed at there–“he made me do it! He took me against my will”–*choke/sob*–“and made me help him…”–*choke*–“him…”–*gurgle*–“him…rob you!”

It was a great acting job. Goodness me. I was in for it! Being fetched out, see!

The prince dropped to a knee, compassion the only expression on his face.

“My little dear,” he said softly, “do not worry a thing or two, this evil, vile man shall be destroyed entirely, and you shall inherit whatever he has.”

Prince Beef stood and looked at me. Of course he missed Clara’s knowing glance at me, complete with a smirk.

ratsandaheifer

“What say you to that, my man?” the prince said to me haughtily.

And that’s when I did it:

“Two things,” this professor said, regaining his composure. And I was. I was on a roll now. Nothing was going to stop me.

“Toby thinks you should watch it,” Toby warned.

“One,” I continued, ignoring Toby, of course,”you’re quite right: this professor is evil and vile. It’s even said his evilness blots out the sun.”

Prince Beef huffed. “Get on with it!”

“Two,” the professor continued, “I’ve not much that one could inherit. And three–”

“Hold on,” Toby said, “that’s an extra one than you’re entitled.”

“Haha!” Prince Beef said triumphantly, tapping his heeled boots. “He’s right there!”

Then he turned to the rest of his guards. “Take him away and kill him inhumanely, film it, too, then give everything he has to this girl.”

Clara didn’t seem to pleased, but this professor couldn’t focus on that right now.

“Toby says–”

That’s all Toby got out.

Quick as a noodle coming out of the boiling water, I swung.

Toby sank to the ground. He’d feel that later.

The guards charged, but I was as nimble as a spider caught in a web. (And they’re nimble since they don’t get stuck, see.)

One got a good square hit on me, but I was able to rush past, running like an elk.

The professor had escaped.

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70 Responses to “Running Like an Elk”


  1. 1 PorterGirl December 15, 2015 at 14:32

    Clara is a perfect beast! Such a girly thing to do, I say. Some great descriptions here – I like the noodle out of hot water and the amazing redness of Beef’s face. I feel educated just reading it, Professor.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:59

      Aren’t I good with similes? I learned them in school, see. Do you like Clara?

      • 3 PorterGirl December 15, 2015 at 20:03

        You are an inspiration with them, I say. Clara is rather snivelly for someone who works in a tea shop. Tea makes one brave, or should do.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:19

        I know! She must be really cranky. Or just fearing for her life, which is a possibility, you know.

      • 5 PorterGirl December 17, 2015 at 16:04

        There is that. The big girl’s blouse *laughs*

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:12

        Ha! I’ll still cut off her ponytail.

      • 7 PorterGirl December 19, 2015 at 08:33

        Oooh you beast.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:18

        I’m a perfect one!

  2. 9 Nancy Loderick December 13, 2015 at 18:12

    Well Professor,

    We, your readers, anxiously await to see where you ended up after you escaped!

    Nancy

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:24

      Probably in a ditch, you know.

      • 11 Nancy Loderick December 14, 2015 at 20:34

        Hi Professor,

        Well, that would not be good. How would you get out of that ditch?

        Nancy

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:59

        Call for help, I’m thinking.

  3. 13 Susan P December 12, 2015 at 14:40

    What happened then?

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:23

      You can’t ask that! It’s cheating.

      • 15 Susan P December 16, 2015 at 11:35

        Harumph

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:29

        And a yes.

      • 17 Susan P December 17, 2015 at 17:30

        I’m glad you see it my way.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:15

        Only for the minute, mind you.

  4. 19 Debbie December 12, 2015 at 00:45

    Whoo Hoo, Professor — you made an outstanding escape! As for that weasel Clara, she deserves a flogging. How dare her trying to pin all the blame on you? Even if she gave you “a knowing glance”!! Well, off with her head, you know. Anyways and then some, it’s no longer your problem — run, Professor Elk, RUN!!

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:22

      *laughing* A flogging? Wow. That’s a bit harsh, but you have a point. After all, she did betray me, didn’t she? The weasel!

  5. 21 John W. Howell December 11, 2015 at 21:08

    Run Forrest run! Whoops wrong movie. Well, run Professor run anyway.

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:22

      I wonder if I could outrun Forrest?

      • 23 John W. Howell December 13, 2015 at 20:45

        Get good shoes

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:51

        With floppy soles.

      • 25 John W. Howell December 15, 2015 at 20:09

        Solid soles

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:21

        Yes, definitely not floppy ones.

      • 27 John W. Howell December 17, 2015 at 21:39

        Good choice

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:22

        I make them sometimes.

      • 29 John W. Howell December 18, 2015 at 23:26

        Make good ones then.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:16

        I’ll try. Rats.

      • 31 John W. Howell December 21, 2015 at 18:01

        Rats and heifer

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:37

        Perfect way to vent, that.

  6. 33 FictionFan December 11, 2015 at 18:31

    What a warrior! *swoons like a noodle seeing a pan of boiling water* My hero!! I’m so glad you didn’t get killed ‘cos then Clara would have inherited your guitar! And then I’d have had to have hit her over the head with a sand-filled Santa stocking – that’d have sorted her silly hairdo! What a little weasel she turned out to be – you musn’t marry her after all! In fact, she deserves to be married off to Fats Henry…

    Now this outfit of the Prince sounds intriguing… was it purple?

    Oh, and, by the way, Darby!! Most definitely! After all, he doesn’t wear sandals, you know, you know…

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:22

      *laughs* Great simile there! I dig, I dig. Oh, I’m sure Fats wouldn’t marry. He’s not the type, you must understand. Can you believe that prince creep, though? Must get revenge.

      It was! And pink. He’s a girl like that.

      But he does have a wig…

      • 35 FictionFan December 14, 2015 at 19:44

        *curtseys* Yes, you must! Against Clara…

        It sounds quite nice – purple and pink go so well together.

        *shakes head sadly* Just because you don’t have lovely curls…

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:58

        Purple and pink are basically the same color, see. That’s why, see. See.

        J. Edelman does, tho.

      • 37 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 01:38

        Does that mean I should call your shirt pink?

        No he doesn’t! Well, only in his… Edelman!

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:34

        But I don’t have any purple shirts. *hides the one he never wears*

        Oh yes he does!

      • 39 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 17:47

        Ooh, you must wear it in a future vid! The Jingle Bells shirt looks as if it has purplish stripes…

        Oh no he doesn’t! (Yay! We’re starring in a panto!)

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:19

        I thought it was red! I shan’t wear purple. It’s too…girly! *shudders*

        What’s a panto?

      • 41 FictionFan December 20, 2015 at 15:56

        Oh. you’re so…

        A stage play for kids at Christmas. At some point (sometimes more than once) one of the characters will say ‘Oh, yes it is!’ and the audience will reply ‘Oh, no, it isn’t! and then the character will say ‘Oh, yes, it is!!’ and the audience will say… well, you get the gist. Believe me, it’s hilarious… but perhaps you have to be there… *laughs*

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:22

        So what? *professorish eye*

        That does sound fun! Do they still put the things on?

      • 43 FictionFan December 21, 2015 at 20:36

        Just… so… very…

        They do! Every year! I’ve booked you to appear in next year’s – you can either be Buttons or the Dame, or the back end of the cow. That’s a very skilled job…

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:40

        So very? Cool? Wicked? Orch-ish?

        I think I’ll be Dame, since he sounds cool. No backends, thank you.

      • 45 FictionFan December 22, 2015 at 17:29

        *nods* Exactly!

        The Dame is the star, so you’ll be perfect for the part. Of course, it means you’ll have to wear a dress…

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:31

        Stars wear dresses? They do not!

      • 47 FictionFan December 23, 2015 at 23:17

        Oh yes they do! *chortles*

  7. 48 Haylee December 11, 2015 at 18:09

    As someone who has taught similes this week and avoiding clichéd usage, I applaud your range. 👏🏼 I may even have to feature the noodles in a future lesson! And yay to swift kicks and exits!

    • 49 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:21

      Definitely feature it. I’m full of professorish cliches, see. I make them up one a second. It’s exhausting.

      • 50 Haylee December 13, 2015 at 21:49

        Haha, I shall be sure to credit you with the addition to my lesson. I imagine the Professor and his vocabulary would have quite an appeal to impressionable 8 year olds! Be sure to rest, we can’t have you running out of clichés due to low batteries ;)

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:55

        My batteries come low, I think. Imagine! Bunches of 8-year-olds talking like me! the world would be crazy then.

  8. 52 Heartafire December 11, 2015 at 17:07

    Laughing out loud! Who is Toby…I need to ridicule him. Good for you professor, you were well prepared with your come backs. That’s always good. I assume the prince is a Scotsman. What now professor, one cannot stay on the “run”, not even an Elk. :-)

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:20

      He’s that chap that you hated from not so long ago. Now, why a scotsman?

      • 54 Heartafire December 13, 2015 at 22:07

        You said he was wearing pant like skirt. I thought maybe a kilt. Did I imagine this ?

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:55

        You’re right! Good on you, Hollie. You picked up on something I didn’t!

      • 56 Heartafire December 15, 2015 at 21:01

        aha…a Scotsman, they are tricky, watch your back.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:24

        They’ve got cool accents, you know.

      • 58 Heartafire December 17, 2015 at 15:39

        very cool!

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:09

        *bows, just because*

      • 60 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 15:10

        :D

  9. 61 Lady Dunamis December 11, 2015 at 16:56

    Funny. Didn’t think there was a politely human way of killing somebody. The line sounded good though.

    Now tell me, when you socked ole Toby, was it wet, hot, and slimy like a noodle? Or did you just kick him in the ankle and added the noodle as a literary distraction. 😂

    Now back to real business. I am fully persuaded that you took advantage of Clara and selfishly used her Shakespearian act to slither out of this dilemma. Mind you, can’t imagine you made it through the front door if you were running out of a castle. Just sayin….😂

    • 62 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:17

      I don’t think there is. He’s such a heathen.

      *laughs* He was deifnitely soggy. From all the running, see.

      How can I possibly be blamed for that? I was proven right, see, and you just won’t have it!

  10. 63 desertdweller29 December 11, 2015 at 16:21

    I’d like to see this “running like an elk”. In my mind’s eye it’s quite humorous.

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:16

      Isn’t it a simile for running fast?

      • 65 desertdweller29 December 13, 2015 at 22:13

        Depends. I pictured lopping. The horns are very heavy, I say.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2015 at 19:55

        True. I bet they die from neck breaks all the time, huh?

  11. 67 L. Marie December 11, 2015 at 14:25

    Good. You got away and knocked someone down. I couldn’t be prouder. Now please avoid Clara from now on. She’s bad news. Or, throw a party for her that winds up being a trap somehow.

    • 68 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:16

      I know! Can you believe how evil she is?

  12. 69 walt walker December 11, 2015 at 13:49

    Well done, Old Sport! You’re quite the adversary. I hope I never wind up on your wrong side.

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke December 13, 2015 at 20:12

      Thanks, Mr. Walt! Well, I’m only that good if the hour is right, see. It’s quite a thing.


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