Not Dead, Disappointed

If you’re larger than life, there may be a physical problem.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledHave you ever been shot?

This professor hasn’t either–until he was.

See, that’s usually how these things work.

The first time is the first time.

For just about everything, usually.

Wait and hold on for a few.

The sudden, I can’t think of something that’s not the first time when it is the first time.

So, first time is the first time–for everything.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, where was I?

Oh yes, that horrid guard shot me.


And everything went black after that.

Of course, this professor felt a stab of pain–at the side, I think–but I didn’t have time to think about it.

Dadblameit, I didn’t even remember hitting the ground!

But I do remember waking up. And it’s not near as bad as everyone always makes it seem, see.

No dizziness and all that.

My side was hurting, though. Hurting like a cougar who’d stubbed its toe on a brick.

It must've really hurt.

It must’ve really hurt.

Now, you won’t believe this, but this professor was actually in a cage.

A circular cage.

A small cage.

And it was hanging from a castle.

I was in the air, see.

The castle was actually Fats Henry’s castle.

The professor can tell these things.

That meant the professor was on Fat Man Island. That’s where Henry lives, see. On an island that floats above the Punchy Lands.

Now, the interest was this: How did I get here?

After all, Prince Beef’s guards are the ones that shot me, the brutes.

How did Henry get me? Maybe Prince Beef sold me into slavery.

Oh rats.

And that’s when Daddy Salami appeared, around the corner of the castle, a wicked smile on his face.

“Hey, ya belly-cur,” he said, laughing.

Salami’s insults are always special, you must understand.

“Yer lucky,” he said, coming to a stop directly underneath this professor’s cage. “The bullet passed through yer side. Didn’t hit anything important. The prince was disappointed, hehaha.”

“Well, you know,” I said, “can’t say I’m too disappointed about it, you know.”

Salami’s green eyes flashed. “Shut-up, cur-mouth! I wasn’t talking to yer.”

As soon as he said the last part, it struck him as odd as it struck me. After all, who was he having speaks with, then?

“Shut-up!” he added, just in case I got any ideas. “Fats Henry wants ta see ya. Let’s go.”

“I’m sorta stuck in the air.”

“I’ll get ya down, cur-face!”

And that was that.

PL Symbol




58 Responses to “Not Dead, Disappointed”

  1. 1 Apricots and Cream December 20, 2015 at 17:15

    Like, hi, sorry, I’m probably really gullible but did you, like, really get shot? Like really?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:24

      You know, I think so. I mean, something did sorta hit me down. It was that blasted idiot. He’s to blame, you see.

      • 3 Apricots and Cream December 22, 2015 at 16:19


      • 4 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:26

        You should throw one of your cacti at him, please.

      • 5 Apricots and Cream December 29, 2015 at 01:18

        Will do. But be warned my aiming is a tad wobbly.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke December 29, 2015 at 19:52

        Just as long as you don’t hit me, of course.

      • 7 Apricots and Cream January 28, 2016 at 12:17

        I’ll do my best. No promises though….

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:04

        *holds a shield just in case*

    • 9 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:24

      Oh, and Merry Christmas, Cora!

      • 10 Apricots and Cream December 22, 2015 at 16:20

        Merry Christmas to you too!!! :D

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:27

        I’m so excited!!

  2. 12 L. Marie December 17, 2015 at 17:18

    Woooo! What an aftermath! If you are a slave, hopefully you won’t be bought by a Cougar, unless it’s Courteney Cox of Cougar Town. Unless, that’s what you’re hoping for.

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:15

      Well, it depends…is CC nice?

  3. 14 Opinionated Man December 17, 2015 at 07:50

    I catch bullets with my chopsticks…

    • 15 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:36

      *mouth drops* You do? Goodness. OM, please teach me! *tries to hold chopsticks*

      • 16 Opinionated Man December 17, 2015 at 16:14

        Your index finger is wrong Professor! ;) lol

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:13

        Haha. I think it’s been wrong. Ever since I’ve held my katana. *bragging*

  4. 18 FictionFan December 16, 2015 at 21:10

    Oh, are you for sale as a slave?!? Could you please ask Fats Henry how much he’ll take for you? I’m willing to offer half my annual chocolate supply… more, if he’ll throw in the cage!

    And take that cougar to the vet – he needs urgent medical treatment!

    • 19 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:33

      I must say, slaving for you might be better than slaving for Henry. But it really depends. I bet I cost…thousands…of rubies!!

      He just stubbed a toe! I was shot!!

      • 20 FictionFan December 17, 2015 at 17:44

        I’d be a very kind mistress, so long as you behaved and obeyed my every whim! But if you didn’t… *scowls meanly* Well, perhaps… but perhaps after a few days of constant cherry-themed dishes emanating from his kitchen Henry may be willing to drop the price…

        Oh, stop making such a fuss about a tiny little bullet-wound! Are you a warrior or a wuss?!? Show some compassion for the stubbed animal!

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:18

        But I don’t obey! I’m a hopeless rebel, see. I’d do things not even the worms would think of! You and your hate of cherries! Hmm…have you ever had cherry ice cream?

        I’m a Spider Wuss. And that makes you Venom, you know. The animal is not stubbed but stuffed, did you know?

      • 22 FictionFan December 20, 2015 at 15:53

        You would – once I’d trained you! Ugh, no – why would I do that when there’s chocolate ice-cream in the world?

        Aaarghhh! Couldn’t you be Batman and then I could be Catwoman? Thank goodness! I’d hate to think it was born looking like that! *shows picture to T&T as a warning…*

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:21

        Trained? That sounds so scary, the sudden. I think I’d rather not, Marley. But…gah. You must try it at least once! Aha, bet you don’t have it in Scotland!!

        Hmm, yes, I could be Batman. He is rather cool. If you insist. *laughing* Poor T&T!

      • 24 FictionFan December 22, 2015 at 16:53

        Oh, you’ve misunderstood – you think you have a choice!! *sings a bit of reggae* Excuse me, sir! We have everything in Scotland! We even have haggis flavoured ice-cream! (For the Yankee tourists…)

        So’s Catwoman! Though that tail could get annoying…

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:29

        I’ve always got a choice, don’t you know! Reggae? *laughs* Ew! Do you get lots of tourists?

        Catwoman doesn’t have a tail!

      • 26 FictionFan December 23, 2015 at 23:10

        Not once I’ve bought you, I think you’ll find! Oh, not that Marley then? Not in Kirkintilloch, but in Scotland in general… zillions!

        *laughs* Doesn’t she? How does she balance then?

  5. 27 Debbie December 16, 2015 at 19:05

    Yikes, Professor, where DID you get that hideous cat picture?? That thing looks like it’s missed meals for at least a week! And are you certain it’s a cougar anyway, because it looks more like a hyena to me.

    Glad you only took a surface hit. The puzzling thing is, how did you get hung up in a cage, what happened to Prince Beef, and how do you plan to escape??

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:32

      Hyena…cougar. What’s the difference? I think the stubbing of the toe really hurt the poor thing.

      Maybe his guards shipped me of to Henry? Or DS took me there. I don’t know! I’m up on an island. So, I’ll have to steal some sort of flying thingy.

  6. 29 John W. Howell December 16, 2015 at 17:55

    I think your price just went up if in fact you were sold.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:31

      But I’m injured. That must take the price down a bit, see.

      • 31 John W. Howell December 17, 2015 at 21:37

        No. You are alive. Much better than dead price wise

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:21

        But if I’m dead my organs could be harvested, see.

      • 33 John W. Howell December 18, 2015 at 23:26

        But only fetching a price for each not the whole thing.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:16

        What a ghastly thought! I blame you for such Halloween thoughts, the sudden.

      • 35 John W. Howell December 21, 2015 at 18:00

        Yes I’ll take the blame.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:36

        That’s very kind of you. Definitely got good Christmas Spirit!

  7. 37 Heartafire December 16, 2015 at 17:10

    You are in deep ….now. Getting shot is not that unusual lately but I am glad no vital organs were hit. Professor, you must strike back, get a plan, head for the hills. Get out the Katana! Be like a dog…that one up there.Grrrrr.

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:31

      But…I lost the jeweled katana! And mine is at home. I’m probably Henry’s slave now. Rats.

      • 39 Heartafire December 17, 2015 at 15:38

        oh,yeah. You can use mine. don’t be a slave, not to Henry!

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:09

        Then I should get out and run! Come pick me up in the hot air balloon, please.

      • 41 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 15:10

        Hang on, I will passing over and will throw you a line!

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:25

        Then pull me up!

      • 43 Heartafire December 18, 2015 at 17:16

        You have to reach out, the line, the line!!

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:10

        *grabs hold* Pull me up!

      • 45 Heartafire December 21, 2015 at 15:03

        tug…you’re heavy! Can you get a boost!

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke December 22, 2015 at 15:32

        I’ll jump off this rock!

      • 47 Heartafire December 22, 2015 at 16:36

        No, bad idea…I’ll throw down a rope ladder. I amaze myself.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke December 23, 2015 at 16:27

        *laughs* A great idea!

  8. 49 desertdweller29 December 16, 2015 at 17:01

    I’m surprised this is the first time the Professor has been shot! With all the trespassing you do, I was certain there had been other times. But there was no need to cage you! btw, that cat picture is disgusting. I think it was left in the hanging cage too long.

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:31

      I know! Can you believe this? All for that sword. But I’m sure you think that was worth it.

      No, no, he just stubbed his toe on a brick, see.

      • 51 desertdweller29 December 17, 2015 at 16:30

        Um-hmm. I think I’ve made that face before when I stubbed my toe, so I believe this. The trick to stealing, PVJ, is to NOT get caught! You need to practice your thieving more. Start sneaking around corners and such. And don’t wear bells for godsake. (Wait, were you wearing bells? It’s xmas time you know, so it’s quite possible.)

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:13

        Well, I just had one bell! But you know, I was counting on no one being able to hear it. You know, from Polar Express. But it seems like everyone here still believes in Santa. *grunge*

  9. 53 PorterGirl December 16, 2015 at 16:27

    *laughing lots* Obviously, it is a great shame you got shot but marvellous that you were not hurt too badly bad. I love DS and his insults. But I don’t think I want him to adopt me, not now he is being so mean to the Professor. Trapped in a cage! Whatever next?

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke December 17, 2015 at 15:30

      Oh, but see, that’s how DS is. One never knows what he’s about. I’m not sure. I’m up here with Schwarz and Parker, tho. Probably will have to serve Henry for some time. Until I escape.

      • 55 PorterGirl December 17, 2015 at 16:06

        Escaping is such fun and you do it so well.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke December 18, 2015 at 15:12

        I shall be successful again. Unless I get rescued first. Which might be cool.

      • 57 PorterGirl December 19, 2015 at 08:33

        It would save a lot of effort.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke December 21, 2015 at 14:18

        Which I’m all for!

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