If you’re larger than life, there may be a physical problem.
~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet
This professor hasn’t either–until he was.
See, that’s usually how these things work.
The first time is the first time.
For just about everything, usually.
Wait and hold on for a few.
The sudden, I can’t think of something that’s not the first time when it is the first time.
So, first time is the first time–for everything.
Now that we’ve got that cleared up, where was I?
Oh yes, that horrid guard shot me.
And everything went black after that.
Of course, this professor felt a stab of pain–at the side, I think–but I didn’t have time to think about it.
Dadblameit, I didn’t even remember hitting the ground!
But I do remember waking up. And it’s not near as bad as everyone always makes it seem, see.
No dizziness and all that.
My side was hurting, though. Hurting like a cougar who’d stubbed its toe on a brick.
Now, you won’t believe this, but this professor was actually in a cage.
A circular cage.
A small cage.
And it was hanging from a castle.
I was in the air, see.
The castle was actually Fats Henry’s castle.
The professor can tell these things.
That meant the professor was on Fat Man Island. That’s where Henry lives, see. On an island that floats above the Punchy Lands.
Now, the interest was this: How did I get here?
After all, Prince Beef’s guards are the ones that shot me, the brutes.
How did Henry get me? Maybe Prince Beef sold me into slavery.
And that’s when Daddy Salami appeared, around the corner of the castle, a wicked smile on his face.
“Hey, ya belly-cur,” he said, laughing.
Salami’s insults are always special, you must understand.
“Yer lucky,” he said, coming to a stop directly underneath this professor’s cage. “The bullet passed through yer side. Didn’t hit anything important. The prince was disappointed, hehaha.”
“Well, you know,” I said, “can’t say I’m too disappointed about it, you know.”
Salami’s green eyes flashed. “Shut-up, cur-mouth! I wasn’t talking to yer.”
As soon as he said the last part, it struck him as odd as it struck me. After all, who was he having speaks with, then?
“Shut-up!” he added, just in case I got any ideas. “Fats Henry wants ta see ya. Let’s go.”
“I’m sorta stuck in the air.”
“I’ll get ya down, cur-face!”
And that was that.