Killings Are Better When Stalled

This professor has left The Jeweled Katana story very unfinished.

Must needs be time to get back to all of it, I say.

So, a bit of a recap: Last story, this professor had just been captured by Daddy Salami and given over to Fats Henry. Now, Fats Henry managed to get the Jeweled Katana without giving Prince Beef the Diamond of Drake.

Hope that makes sense. If not…a few dadblameits and sighs. Hoorah-yo.

Also, I’d just been sent to the kitchens.

***

If it is easier saying than doing, then saying and doing were not created equal.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledWhisked away to the kitchens.

That’s where this professor was sent.

Now, Fats Henry’s castle is quite empty.

I tell you this now, just because.

This professor was whisked away by his only two servants. They’re more like robots than humans, though, I must say. Dressed in business suits and funny-looking decorative glasses, they hardly show any emotion.

You know, this professor will go on the record as saying they’re robots.

I’ll just plop that out there, like a big fish, and let it sink.

robotworkers.future

Something like this. Only more human. They would fool you if they had but emotions. What a thing.

Unknown

Big Fish. Imagine that hitting you from a skyscraper.

So, this professor was whisked away to the kitchen by the Robots.

(Side note: Really getting sick of the word ‘whisked’, the sudden.)

We descended a long staircase and entered into a rather modern-looking kitchen, complete with Schwarz Tauptinker and Bud Parker toiling away.

99b603f1e9b248fb70b62b6dc0bbba33

Modern Kitchen, yo.

Quite right. Prince Beef had sold them as slaves to Fats Henry.

It was all coming back a bit.

The Robots released me–they had me by the arms, see–and both said in unison:

“You will work down here until you receive further instructions.”

And they were gone.

I stepped further into the kitchen.

“Hello, guys…” I ventured.

“Get him!” Parker yelled.

“Oh chicky yeah!” Schwarz answered.

This. Was. Not. Good.

In a second, the professor was tackled to the floor, and Schwarz had some sort of chef knife at my neck.

“I think I’m going to cut you up,” he said. “And put you in the soup.”

“Yup, bud,” Parker said. “Any last words, bud?”

“Look here,” I squeaked out. (Hard to have speaks with a knife at your neck, don’t you know.) “I’m sorry what happened with the Jeweled Katana and all. I really didn’t mean to steal it and get you two…captured.”

I could tell in a second: They weren’t buying it.

dadblameit

“Bud,” Parker said, “that’s exactly what happened. So someone gotta pay. Because you messed up our attempt to steal it, we’re here for life as slaves, serving the brute.” Then he looked at Schwarz. “Gut him, bud.”

“Wait, wait!” I said, quicker than a frog leaping from the fire to a lillypad. “You’re not stuck here! You can escape!”

That stalled them–if only for a minute.

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107 Responses to “Killings Are Better When Stalled”


  1. 1 Jackie January 7, 2016 at 20:02

    Saying and doing are two very different things!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:32

      They sure are. But I still can’t tell the difference betwixt them.

      • 3 Jackie January 8, 2016 at 13:46

        It’s pretty easy. If someone says they are going to take out the trash and then doesn’t do it then they are just saying it not doing it. Make sense?

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:27

        Yes…it does, sadly. Ruins my excuses for trash taking, the sudden.

      • 5 Jackie January 8, 2016 at 19:41

        I think trash talking is a different beast. But I’m often confused about things so I may not know what the heck I’m talking about. I’m sure you will get it all sorted out – Professors are like that. :-)

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 13:57

        *laughs* Nah, you did make a lot of sense. More than I generally make, of course.

  2. 7 L. Marie January 7, 2016 at 18:33

    Where did Prince Beef get the robots that he sold to Fats Henry? Is Fats Henry going to take over the world soon with them? Why didn’t you take control of them?

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:29

      Well, I’m not sure PB gave them to Henry. Now, there was only two. But that’s a thing! I should’ve tried to take them over. Have my own robots. That’d be cool.

  3. 9 Heartafire January 7, 2016 at 15:10

    That fish reminds me of my sad collagen fiasco. Professor, go with the soup, a hot bowl of soup tossed in the netherlands will set you free, (theirs not yours).

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:20

      This sounds dangerous, the sudden. What is collagen?

      • 11 Heartafire January 8, 2016 at 14:06

        just kidding…he’s a very dashing sea creature.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:31

        He’s definitely…different, I say.

      • 13 Heartafire January 8, 2016 at 21:41

        he looks like a Grouper…yummy!

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:02

        No, not yummy! *covers Hollie’s eyes*

      • 15 Heartafire January 11, 2016 at 14:04

        a little white wine, lemon….

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:16

        I wonder if there is lemon wine?

      • 17 Heartafire January 11, 2016 at 15:24

        hmmm.yeah.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:50

        Hmm-yeah, is a great expression, you know.

      • 19 Heartafire January 12, 2016 at 14:06

        it’s a pondering, questioning, then agreeing.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:11

        Which means I win!

      • 21 Heartafire January 12, 2016 at 20:11

        but of course!

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:51

        *celebrates by dancing*

      • 23 Heartafire January 13, 2016 at 14:20

        looks on in awe, shock and awe.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:42

        Oh, the dancing isn’t that amazing.

      • 25 Heartafire January 14, 2016 at 15:08

        so amazing … tht’s all I got :-D(

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:18

        *laughing* Me too. I’m tapped out again.

      • 27 Heartafire January 15, 2016 at 13:46

        Laughs…awkward !

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:21

        The professor is never!!

      • 29 Heartafire January 17, 2016 at 20:19

        Oh, I know. It is I , awkward silence.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2016 at 20:03

        I love awkward silences. Something always beastly happens.

      • 31 Heartafire January 18, 2016 at 20:09

        I like them too and try to create as many as possible. The best part is the giggling and shuffling of feet. :)

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 13:57

        *laughing* Why, how beastly of you, Hollie, that you create them! I dig.

      • 33 Heartafire January 19, 2016 at 14:04

        I don’t know why we like to torture the unsuspecting…beastly indeed!

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:25

        *laughs* I hear that trolls do that sort of thing. I’d like to be a troll.

      • 35 Heartafire January 19, 2016 at 21:29

        trolling…yes, I like the sound of that.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:39

        Me too. It happens on hills, I imagine.

      • 37 Heartafire January 19, 2016 at 21:41

        yes, that’s where it happens. Shakes head sadly.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:09

        Why sadly? It is a happy day!

      • 39 Heartafire January 20, 2016 at 15:18

        nodding jovially.

      • 40 Heartafire January 8, 2016 at 14:30

        Collagen is a connective protein often used to enhance one’s lips, hence my reference to Mr. Bigfish.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:31

        *laughing lots* Is it really? I get it now.

  4. 42 Louis from VA January 7, 2016 at 01:54

    Good heavens! The professor never gets a break! Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised that this is what If come back to.

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:47

      I’m abused on all sides! On a good note, though, I was trained for this, being a super warrior and all.

  5. 44 John W. Howell January 6, 2016 at 23:39

    I thought I was having flashbacks with all the colors. Anyway nice move on slowing those guys down

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:39

      I was definitely having flashbacks coloring it…ugh. I hate the feeling of the knife to the throat, you know.

      • 46 John W. Howell January 7, 2016 at 19:36

        Me too. Talk about razor burn.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:32

        I will never shave again now.

      • 48 John W. Howell January 8, 2016 at 20:23

        Not on the neck at least.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:00

        Or on the body, for that matter.

      • 50 John W. Howell January 11, 2016 at 14:02

        Yes so true.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:16

        Only the foot. Maybe.

  6. 52 Haylee January 6, 2016 at 23:16

    A minute is a lifetime for a mastermind to conjure up an escape, I have every faith in success.
    Is that picture a blobfish? I learned of their existence this week. I think they’re hilarious!

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:37

      I’m not sure…what is a blobfish? I’d like one for Christmas, please.

      • 54 Haylee January 7, 2016 at 16:07

        Such a sad looking chap! At least I’ve over 300 days to learn deep sea diving and then go out and catch one :)
        (P.s. I’m on my phone so don’t know if you’ll get this as a link or an actual image.)

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:25

        Oh he is a sad looking chap. When you catch one, please cheer him up a bit. With cookies, I think.

  7. 56 Simply Skeptical January 6, 2016 at 20:02

    Well sure am hoping you have a convincing tale of escape….

    • 57 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2016 at 22:42

      I bet I will! How much do you bet I will?

  8. 58 FictionFan January 6, 2016 at 18:19

    Ooh, the purple suits you perfectly, sir! It’s so regal!

    I am very concerned about the frog – who put it in the fire, that’s what I want to know! I suspect Ruber must be working in that kitchen too – perhaps he was whisked there to whisk up some sauces made from whisky.

    Now, much though I would normally be on your side, I think it’s fair to say my Schwarzy has a point – so far your intereference only seems to have made things worse. But soup would be such a waste – I think you’d be better sauteed in a little butter. I shall send him a recipe…

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2016 at 22:42

      Well, I used that color ’cause you suggested it, you know. It’s now my official professorish color.

      *laughs* The frog? You mean that fish beastie? I’m going to cook up something yummy for me, and something bad for Henry, once I convince Schwarz I’m his buddy. Don’t you think he should give me one more chance? Just one more? I’ll fetch it out right.

      Hey, hey! I’m not edible!!

      • 60 FictionFan January 7, 2016 at 01:39

        *proud face* The perfect colour for you! P for purple, P for Professor. See?!

        *laughs* No! The frog that jumped from the fire to the lilypad – do you ever read your own stories?! Oh, you can’t cook the fish – it reminds me too much of dear Bubbles. Though if you chopped the head off first that would probably solve the issue…

        Well, perhaps Schwarzy should give you another chance – it would be like his sweet nature to forgive you. But I’ll be watching… *grim scary look*

        Oh, that’s only ‘cos you haven’t been properly marinated yet…

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:47

        Can’t I have red, dadblameit?

        Ohhhhhhhhhh! Haha, how did I forget about that? Yes, so, he probably jumped in the fire himself ’cause he was cold. So, cooking it is not allowed but chopping of the head is fine? I don’t understand this violence!

        I’ll be sweet… *laughs with a plan* I do have a plan, mind you. For Clara, too.

        I’ve been marinating my whole life in beastliness.

      • 62 FictionFan January 7, 2016 at 17:00

        No, you can’t! *implacable face*

        I think you must employ a ghost writer! Tchah! You taught me everything I know about violence! I used to be so sweet too… You’ve got to admit – that thing would be better looking headless…

        Ooooh, are you going to cook Clara?!? *claps hands in girlish glee* You’d better not be going to flirt with her…

        Yeah, see, that sounds horrid! Garlic and a few herbs would be better…

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:27

        But why not, dadblameit?

        Nah, they might mess with my genius, then, see. I did? *sudden proud* Nah, you were violent before. I’ll just ask BUS to make sure. You do have a point there… *laughs*

        Well, no, I mean…Prince Beef is going to do something with her.

        Then…I’d stink!

      • 64 FictionFan January 8, 2016 at 17:49

        Because I say! That should be a good enough reason!

        True! And we can’t have that! We’ll just have to work on yoru memory issues then – start by learning a Shakespeare sonnet every day… Oh, BUS’ll back me up – or else!

        *gasps* I do hope it doesn’t involve dungeons and giant spiders… *suppresses gleeful squeal*

        *preserves a tactful silence*

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:36

        Hm. It isn’t, the sudden. I need three good reasons, in fact. Haha. Yo.

        My memory is awful, it’s true, but not Shakespeare! He’s more awful than…rap!

        It will…either for her or his girlfriend at the end of it.

        Says the person who doesn’t like showers!

      • 66 FictionFan January 9, 2016 at 23:55

        OK. Because I say, because I insist and because I’ll get cranky otherwise! You won’t get three better reasons than those!

        “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
        Thou art more lovely and more temperate”
        You should quote that to your Clara – she’d give you free tea for life!

        What? He can’t throw Gertie in a dungeon! Schwarzy wouldn’t let him!

        *growls* My sponge could tell you different…

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:10

        *laughs* Awful reasons, the sudden! *won’t listen*

        Is that rap or Shake? I’m not sure, you know. Clara hates me!!

        Well, he might try. I think he’s quite smitten with Clara…after that act. *gags*

        BUS said you didn’t have any left!

      • 68 FictionFan January 11, 2016 at 18:39

        *laughs* Bet you can’t even remember what we’re arguing about…

        Shake!! Well, I hope she does, because you really shouldn’t be wasting your time on pesky girls anyway! But I think you’ve fallen in love with her… *shakes head sadly*

        Well, Gertie should hit him over the head with a brick and stomp off then! Pass that message to her, would you?

        Tchah! What would she know? She doesn’t even believe sponges turn into lions!!

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:54

        I…hmm. That’s a good point. It also means I’ve won, the sudden. Niceness.

        That’s his name, you know. Pesky girls bother me! There’s nothing I can do about it. Have not either!

        *laughs* That’s what you’d do! But Gertie is a bit…well, docile. PB is such a meanie, see.

        Hahaha. I do, though.

      • 70 FictionFan January 12, 2016 at 17:17

        Eh?! I don’t follow your logic (*laughs*) at all! I’m pretty sure it means I won!! *victory dance all over the Prof’s toes*

        It’s either because you’re irresistible or it’s because they’re all working through my new self-help book “Understanding Men – an earlier stage of evolution” They’ll be on Chapter 5 – “Learning to deal with incorrigible flirts”

        Ah but the docile ones are most to be feared! One day, she’ll crack…

        *nods* I knew you would! We’re kindred spirits…

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:25

        What? No, this isn’t possible. *lets FEF do it, ’cause he’s wearing steel-tipped boots*

        *laughs* What a funny book, that is. Do you suppose, then, in a few million years I’ll be a girl? *dies from a heart attack* Men evolving into women is so funny… *laughs his nose off*

        That’s a good point. And she’ll rampage about. Poor PB.

        If I have a spirit, that is.

      • 72 FictionFan January 13, 2016 at 00:59

        All things are possible if you think about it from a quantum perspective… *kicks his shins and runs off giggling*

        *laughs and gasps* Oh I hope not! I shall have nightmares now! *tries to imagine C-W-W in a ballgown and gurgles* Ooh, not the nose! You require it for snorting!

        Oh, he deserves it! How can you feel sorry for someone who’s enslaved you??

        No heart, no brain, no spirit?!? I’m not sure I believe you exist…

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 14:06

        A quantum perspective… That sounds so depressing, the sudden. Owwwwwwww! Bet you wouldn’t do that to John Carter!

        *laughs* Well, I’m just showing you how impossible that silly theory is! the professor could never be a girl, of course. Just a bad thing, really. I don’t snort! *rampages*

        Well, I’ll get revenge, so I still feel sorry for him, see.

        I don’t think I really do. Or, there’s bunches of me.

      • 74 FictionFan January 13, 2016 at 18:11

        No, it’s not – I like the idea of infinite numbers of Professors. I bet some of them have hearts, and a couple might even have brains! But John doesn’t deserve it – he knows how to treat a lady… *sings Barsoomian battle songs*

        Pity – because I’m having so much fun imagining it! We’d need to do something about the facial hair, of course – it’s not a great look on most women (though, of course, I carry my moustache off well). And you’ll enjoy leg-waxing… only the greatest warriors can withstand the pain!

        Too sweet!

        See? Quantum! *nods head wisely*

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke January 14, 2016 at 00:04

        Hey…I’ve got a brain! And I just… *whispers* …turned off my heart! See, I’m wise, the sudden. Oh, you said John needed a beating a few times before!

        Haha. Women make up that childbirth and shaving is so hard and painful, and it’s just that they aren’t as strong as professors. *flexes muscle* No, leg-waxing! No bonnets either. Or makeup. I’ve always wondered if lipstick tasted good, can you believe.

        No, no. Just MPD!

      • 76 FictionFan January 14, 2016 at 12:28

        Whose?!? Awww! See, one day a pretty princess will come along and turn your heart back on… *sighs soppily* Yeah, but only for copying the Professor’s flirting techniques!

        When I rule the world, it’ll be the men that have the babies and then we’ll see! I bet the human race dies out in a generation. And leg-waxing will be compulsory for men… Lipstick tastes so good! There’s no taste like it – it makes all other tastes seem bland and dull. Yummy doesn’t begin to describe it! It’s like the most delicious cherry-flavoured thing you can possibly imagine! What a shame you can’t have any… but I’ll make you a bonnet, if you like.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:17

        *laughs* Yeah…no. If I keep my earplugs in, I should be very safe indeed. *puts them back in* John did not flirt! He was just polite, like the professor, don’t you know.

        *laughing* I do hope you don’t rule the world, then, ever!! I thought you’d outlaw leg-waxing. You should, I’m thinking. Well, I shall try some then! I’ll steal some from the store. Yucketh. Like never!!!

      • 78 FictionFan January 15, 2016 at 18:53

        Earplugs won’t save you from the spell of the fluttering eyelashes, I fear! Tchah! A likely story! I wonder who’d win if the two of you fought for Dejah. And who she’d stand behind and sing… *pensive look*

        Oh I’d be great ruler, so long as people obeyed me and catered to my every whim. You can get purple lippy, you know, you know…

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:32

        I’ll just take off my glasses, then, and place them on my head. Now I win! I wouldn’t fight for Dejah! I’d let John do that. I would fight for Kremonay–maybe.

        Which the professor wouldn’t do. I’d give you gifts of turtles. What’s purple lippy? Sounds of interest.

  9. 80 Lady Dunamis January 6, 2016 at 14:46

    Anyone who gets captured must use the word whisked. Kinda those unwritten rules of writing you know.

    Now I must admit, the fact you picked up the story is quite shocking. Just knew you were gonna write about warriors and whales…lol!😆

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2016 at 22:39

      Really? Well, that’s the thing. Whisk is what you do to eggs, I always thought.

      Imagine that whale! Imagine if I could get him in my army, too.

      • 82 Lady Dunamis January 6, 2016 at 23:17

        Yes to eggs, thieves, and those who commit treason in the PL.

        🐋🐋🐋 why stop at when you can have three. Now where you plan to put them is entirely up to you.

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:38

        Like me. I’m treasonish.

        Good point. I was hoping you’d build a container for them, or a huge fish bowl?

      • 84 Lady Dunamis January 7, 2016 at 15:05

        I was thinking more of a luxury ark with 100 levels, disco lights, and soothing whale music.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:19

        *laughing lots* Soothing whale music? What is that?

      • 86 Lady Dunamis January 8, 2016 at 13:52

        Ya know, the sounds of whales most people play to set a calm environment. Now I have no idea what they are saying so we can’t copyright or make money off of this idea ya know.

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:28

        Oh rats. No money? Double rats. I’ve never heard a whale sound before. Is it cute?

      • 88 Lady Dunamis January 8, 2016 at 19:32

        Well, being human I don’t know if it is cute, but if I were a whale it would probably sound pretty sexy.

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:39

        Oh, it would not. I bet the lady whale noises scare the guy whales away. Bet ya!

  10. 90 Susan P January 6, 2016 at 14:35

    Chickit

    • 91 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2016 at 22:38

      Yes, me too.

      • 92 Susan P January 7, 2016 at 00:22

        No way.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:41

        Well, if you want to say chickit, it is your Punchy right, after all.

  11. 94 PorterGirl January 6, 2016 at 13:25

    Now, ordinarily I would be very happy to be trapped in a kitchen, because of all the food and such. But Bud and Schwarz do seem rather aggressive, so I am somewhat worried for you. Things I like – that big fish, the word ‘whisked’ and the prospect of Professor soup! Sounds rather tasty. Teehee!

    • 95 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2016 at 22:37

      No, no! Professor soup does not sounds tasty at all! How dare you. I’m not made for soup, but for greater things!

      They do, huh? I think I’ll get them on my side through trickery.

      • 96 PorterGirl January 7, 2016 at 05:16

        Aha but I do dare. Though it is true you are made for greater things. But soup is pretty great. .. *gets a bread roll*
        Oh of that I have no doubt. The Professor is very tricksy indeed.

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke January 7, 2016 at 14:51

        *laughing lots* I was made to be eaten with a bread roll. I think not! I shall concoct a great escape! Like the movie.

        Like Gollum, even.

      • 98 PorterGirl January 7, 2016 at 14:57

        Your escapes are legendary, Professor and I simply cannot wait to see how you pull this one off.
        Teasing you is such fun.

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 13:19

        Yes, you’re laughing me to scorn. *sighs*

        Really? Cool. I’ll do an epic escape.

      • 100 PorterGirl January 10, 2016 at 07:53

        I would never do that, of course. In case you give me the Professorish eye! Capital! I can’t wait!

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:11

        The professorish eye even scares me!

      • 102 PorterGirl January 11, 2016 at 14:19

        *hides and trembles*

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:47

        *laughs*

      • 104 PorterGirl January 12, 2016 at 14:05

        Beast!

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:09

        Only sometimes, mind you.

      • 106 PorterGirl January 12, 2016 at 19:33

        Only on a day with a ‘Y’ in it.

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:48

        Haha, exactly! I think…


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