Confronted at an Outlet Mall

professor speaks

Okay, so, outlet malls are sorta outside malls–if that makes sense.

I’ve finally sorted that after all these years.

You see, when I first heard about an outlet mall, this professor said: “What sort of devilry is this?”

And I’ve got three main problems with outlet malls. Here they are:

(1) Too many clothing stores. 

(2) Too little knife stores.

(3) No bakeries.

I think they are three good reasons. Enough of an excuse to declare war on outlet malls.

Yes, well, I’m glad you agree, the sudden.

outlet-stores-lure-droves-of-shoppers-every-year-f1

Anyways and some, the professor was actually at an outlet mall recently searching for this thingy.

I couldn’t find it either.

So, I leaned up against a wall. It’s important to take breathers like that, you know.

“Hey, buddy.”

I didn’t even see the fellow approach, but there he was.

He looked like a security fellow.

“Yes?” I asked. “What’s up, my man?”

“No soliciting outside this store.”

It was Gap.

Unknown-1

“I’m not doing that,” I assured him. “I’m just hanging on the wall. Or, actually, leaning on it.”

“You don’t get it. I need you to move on. Find another place to ‘hang’.”

And that’s when I got a bit cranky. I shouldn’t have, but I did.

“Do you own this wall?”

“That’s besides the point.”

“No,” I said, “that is my point, the sudden.”

“The sudden? What are you? High?”

“You can’t stick to my point, can you?”

“Listen, you have to move, or I’ll call the police.”

“But do you own the wall? This, I feel in my boney bones, is a free wall.”

“It’s not a free wall, and you have to move on. Now.”

“Okay,” I said, “but only after you answer a question.”

He put his hands on his hips and breathed hard. “What?”

“What is the point of security if they need to call the police?”

And I left him with that.

I do admit, this professor was too cranky. But still…

Moral: Don’t let security make you cranky when you’re leaning on a free wall. It is a free country, after all.

 

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131 Responses to “Confronted at an Outlet Mall”


  1. 1 PorterGirl January 11, 2016 at 07:26

    What a mean security guard! He could have asked you to move along a little more nicely. I think he was just grumpy because he wanted to be a police officer but got stuck with bring a rubbish security guard instead. I think you did the only sensible thing a chap could do. Bravo, Professor.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:16

      *laughing* Was that what was bothering him? What a cad. I bet you’re right. He didn’t have any cool gadgets, mind you. I felt a bit bad for him, after I left. Was I too mean?

      • 3 PorterGirl January 11, 2016 at 14:20

        Not mean enough, I’d say! Such types need putting in their place. They think they’re so tough.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:48

        They sure do! I should’ve busted…his ankle!

      • 5 PorterGirl January 12, 2016 at 14:06

        *laughing so much a bit of wee comes out* Next time you will know how to tackle the bugger!

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:10

        Hahaha. Yes, I will! Always go for the ankles.

  2. 7 Heartafire January 10, 2016 at 15:17

    What happened to the land of the free? I thought an outlet mall was where they sold brand names for less, I’ve been traveling so far, all the way to Vero Beach. They have a great Gap store there, no bakery though.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:12

      Now, is there anything useful in a Gap store, Hollie?

      • 9 Heartafire January 11, 2016 at 14:19

        haha, if you are fifteen!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:48

        Which I’m not! I’m older than…everyone!

      • 11 Heartafire January 12, 2016 at 14:00

        Still one can’t go wrong with a nice pair of khaki’s and a sweater with matching socks.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:06

        But what about if the socks don’t match?

      • 13 Heartafire January 12, 2016 at 19:48

        That’s a deal breaker

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:50

        Oh rats. I hate socks.

      • 15 Heartafire January 13, 2016 at 14:21

        you can’t be gap guy and hate socks, everyone knows that!

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:43

        *laughing* Well…I’m trapped now, I suppose.

      • 17 erinkenobi2893 January 13, 2016 at 14:36

        IF THE SOCKS DON’T MATCH THEN WHO EVER CARES DESERVES TO BE PUNCHED. Mismatched socks are marvelous. X-D

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:47

        *laughing lots and lots* I love that bunches! *Fist thingy*

      • 19 erinkenobi2893 January 14, 2016 at 05:32

        X-D Thank you! *fist bump* :-D

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:10

        Haha, love fist things.

      • 21 erinkenobi2893 January 15, 2016 at 18:50

        They are awesome! X-D

  3. 22 fiza January 9, 2016 at 19:29

    I can only imagine the expression on the security’s face as the professor left him. Btw what was the thingy that the professor was looking for?

    • 23 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:07

      Do you think he was mad? Well, it was a pair of socks, I tell you.

      • 24 fiza January 11, 2016 at 23:41

        Yeap, I mean unless he had the wall labelled as his the security guard had no right to tell the professor to leave. But how did he the professor was leaning on it..?

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:56

        I don’t know! He just showed up, imagine! I should’ve thrown my drink at him, huh?

  4. 26 Susan P January 9, 2016 at 13:37

    Well, I missed this party, didn’t I? Oh well. There will be, I am certain, more drama ere long.

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:06

      Lots more drama. Aren’t I spicy?

      • 28 Susan P January 11, 2016 at 14:36

        e like sneaky.

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:49

        I’m a bit sneaky.

      • 30 Susan P January 13, 2016 at 00:07

        Yes, but some one of these days the joke will be on you. Consider yourself warned.

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:55

        I’ll just dodge it. *doges*

  5. 32 Simply Skeptical January 8, 2016 at 23:20

    I think the security dude needs to look for a real job…

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:04

      Like cleaning toilets for instance.

      • 34 Simply Skeptical January 12, 2016 at 00:29

        More his style me thinks…

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:56

        You know, I say you’re right, madam.

  6. 36 Lady Dunamis January 8, 2016 at 22:38

    Ya know, I am gonna have to jump on the war on outlet mall bandwagon. Too many clothes and not enough bakeries, and a knife outlet would be refreshing. There are so many of them here in Texas from ghetto to upscale. The ghetto ones are condemned of course and being converted into….you got it! More clothing stores.
    Now let’s have speaks about this free wall. Technically, the wall isn’t free because someone is paying for use of that business space, so I think you should treat hanging on the wall as if you were entering a place to eat. If you are going to use the bathroom at least buy a hamburger.

    • 37 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:03

      Ahhh, not clothing stores! You know, Lady, you should just invade and thieve from a few of them, I say. Tell them I sent you, for instance.

      Not even the bathrooms are free know? *dies* I’m going to war with the malls. And you started it!

  7. 38 E. January 8, 2016 at 22:30

    I don’t like malls — outlet or otherwise — because there’s too many people and not enough foxes or bakeries, which is something every place needs. I don’t like security guards (or anyone wearing a uniform) so I tend to give them a wide berth, which is probably what the professor should do for a bit, because it seems unwise to provoke guards of any kind, even if they are rather useless. This one probably wasn’t even carrying a sword, was he!

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:03

      He wasn’t! I should’ve maybe challenged him to a wrestling match, huh?

      Yes, why don’t outletmalls have foxes? A wonder, I tell you.

      • 40 E. January 11, 2016 at 17:35

        Outlet malls don’t have foxes because they’re lame. And in their endeavor to be as lame as possible, they go the extra mile and exclude such incredible things.
        A wrestling match! Now that I would have watched!

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:52

        *laughs* I love how you describe outlet malls, the sudden. Now, are malls any better? The inside ones, mind you.

        Wrestling is awesome.

      • 42 E. January 12, 2016 at 16:13

        I don’t think inside malls are any better – they’re the same thing but with less sunshine. Which is a good thing when it’s hot outside but other than that I don’t see the point.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:22

        Well…don’t they have better stores? And an eatery? Two things that are better, you must admit.

      • 44 E. January 12, 2016 at 19:24

        Sometimes outlet malls have food. I don’t know about better stores though. All stores area kind of terrible unless they have food. Or foxes, but I have yet to find one of those.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:26

        Yes, that’s a good point. Or a music store! Yes, malls are horrid things. Rats.

  8. 46 John W. Howell January 8, 2016 at 21:47

    Good question. Why security if the police have to be called? Security ought to be able to shoot you without going through a middle man.

    • 47 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:02

      *laughing* Right? What is security for? No one knows. We should hire them up. Give them real jobs, John.

      • 48 John W. Howell January 11, 2016 at 14:05

        Not sure what they would do.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:17

        Maybe personal servants?

      • 50 John W. Howell January 11, 2016 at 18:40

        OOOO I like that. “Hey bud get me a bud.” ( I really don’t drink Bud but it sounded good.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:55

        *laughs* I like it, too. I’ve heard bud is no good.

      • 52 John W. Howell January 12, 2016 at 13:56

        Carbonated defrost.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:06

        *laughs* Which doesn’t taste very good.

      • 54 John W. Howell January 12, 2016 at 20:19

        For sure

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:52

        It’s only good to dump on coaches.

      • 56 John W. Howell January 13, 2016 at 14:14

        There you go. The reason they exist.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:40

        *nods* Can’t waste the other stuff.

      • 58 John W. Howell January 14, 2016 at 00:46

        Yes

  9. 59 Debbie January 8, 2016 at 19:47

    Professor, were you just trying to attract attention?? You’d have done a better job, I’m thinking, had you brought out your guitar and strummed the beastly fake cop a nice, soothing tune. Music cures the angry beast and all! That said, sometimes outlet malls are okay — on a warm sunny day when you know exactly what you want and don’t mind pesky crowds sauntering around NOT knowing what they want!!

    • 60 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 13:58

      That does get frustrating! Getting behind a chap who doesn’t know what he’s about. Sometimes I wish I could bulldoze right through…

      You know, I like the outlet malls on cold, snowy nights!!

  10. 61 Nicholas Warren--MPS staff member January 8, 2016 at 18:36

    Wow. You’ve got everyone riled up against malls. Good job.

    • 62 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:38

      Thank you. Do you hate them now?

  11. 63 desertdweller29 January 8, 2016 at 18:34

    Is the Gap still around? I believe you were leaning on the last Gap wall in America and a wrecking ball was aimed right at your noggin. This man saved your life, I say! Although, he was quite rude in getting you to move. I would have unleashed the three-eyed frog on him.

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:38

      Oh, is that what he was about? He could’ve just told me they wanted to crash it down. Dadblame him, I say. Why did you close all the Gaps, DD?

      • 65 desertdweller29 January 8, 2016 at 20:07

        I didn’t! I just didn’t know they were still around. I don’t get around to malls much.

        You know, this would have been a good time for a hoverboard. You could have hovered circles around him, taunting him, then made a quick getaway. Was he on one of those silly Segway like Mall Cop? If so, challenge him to a race!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:00

        *laughing* Maybe they did all close…

        Nah, he wasn’t that cool. Or I would’ve stolen that machine, I tell you! When will you get me my hoverboard, please?

      • 67 desertdweller29 January 11, 2016 at 14:18

        It’ll be pink though like in the picture you posted. Just rough it up a bit and no one will notice!

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:47

        Not pink… I’ll rampage if it is!

      • 69 desertdweller29 January 12, 2016 at 15:27

        And won’t that be a sight! Please do… (I’m an instigator, you know.)

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:21

        This is a set-up!!

      • 71 desertdweller29 January 12, 2016 at 19:29

        You’re not the only wicked one, professor! muhohaaaahaaaaa…. :)

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:47

        Well, I’m more wicked then DD, of course. I went to school for it, after all.

  12. 73 Jackie January 8, 2016 at 17:50

    Malls are a blight on the landscape! They are full of dadblamery and malediction. I can’t even talk about malls without raising my blood pressure. Just say no to malls of any kind and the world will be a better place!

    • 74 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:37

      *laughing lots* Especially when they’re busy, right? Goodness. And the stores are all dadblamery, too, now that you mention it.

      • 75 Jackie January 8, 2016 at 19:46

        Why does anyone want to go to mall when they can shop online?

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 13:58

        ‘Cause there’s candy stores at the mall!

      • 77 Jackie January 11, 2016 at 14:04

        True! But there are a lot more choices online.

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:16

        That’s a good point. Outlaw malls, I say!

      • 79 Jackie January 11, 2016 at 14:21

        YES! I agree!

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:49

        And inlay professors.

      • 81 Jackie January 12, 2016 at 14:48

        What is an inlay professor?

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:21

        It was supposed to be in-law professors! Rats. But I’m supposing an inlay is sorta some sort of stone set in something else.

      • 83 Jackie January 12, 2016 at 19:30

        I suppose if you were an inlay Professor you would have lots of tattoos or somesuch thing permanently marking you. Truth be told, I’m not a fan of in-law’s so you’ve got my support on that one!!

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:47

        *laughing lots* Yes, not a fan of tattoos, I must admit. Too permanent.

      • 85 Jackie January 13, 2016 at 18:14

        Myself? I have 15 tattoos!

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke January 14, 2016 at 00:04

        Really? Nice! How do you like them?

      • 87 Jackie January 14, 2016 at 00:17

        I love them! I know they are not for everyone and I respect that.

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:07

        Well, that’s very cool, then, I say. Do you have a red one?

      • 89 Jackie January 15, 2016 at 13:19

        Some of them have red in them. But they are old so it’s a faded red.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:20

        Red is the best color, I say.

      • 91 Jackie January 17, 2016 at 19:33

        I like it but it’s not the best in my opinion. But that’s the great thing about color – there’s one for everyone.

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:35

        Red is so…spicy, tho!

      • 93 Jackie January 17, 2016 at 19:40

        Yes and passionate too.

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2016 at 20:01

        Is not!! Tis a warrior’s color!

      • 95 Jackie January 18, 2016 at 21:19

        Warrior’s aren’t passionate?

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 13:58

        Oh no. Especially not professor warriors! *is proud*

      • 97 Jackie January 19, 2016 at 14:15

        You learn something new every day! Thanks Professor.

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:28

        *bows*

  13. 99 erinkenobi2893 January 8, 2016 at 17:37

    A war on any mall, and I’m in! Malls are creepy.

    • 100 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:33

      Let’s go! Bring Rosalie, too.

      • 101 erinkenobi2893 January 9, 2016 at 05:52

        I shall! X-D

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:04

        *bows*

      • 103 erinkenobi2893 January 11, 2016 at 14:51

        :-D

      • 104 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:50

        =={:-{)+

      • 105 erinkenobi2893 January 12, 2016 at 14:00

        </B-)8

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 19:07

        Ooo, what is that? The Doctor!

      • 107 erinkenobi2893 January 13, 2016 at 06:06

        *takes off velvet frock coat hastily and hides it behind my back* What about him?

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 14:07

        I think I’d like to have dinner with him.

      • 109 erinkenobi2893 January 13, 2016 at 14:31

        Oh, okay! *puts coat back on*

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:44

        Now that coat is something.

      • 111 erinkenobi2893 January 14, 2016 at 05:34

        *twirls like a peacock* Isn’t it?

      • 112 coruscantbookshelf January 9, 2016 at 07:52

        I have exactly no idea what is going on here or why Erin pulled me in… except yes, more knife stores in malls would be nice. Except half the decent knives are illegal where I live. I’m probably not even allowed my hunting knife – shh.
        Malls have altogether too many clothing stores. And not enough bookstores, or shoe stores that sell boots instead of stilettos. (Though shoes you can stab someone through the heart with are, I suppose, tactically sound. Only problem is wearing ’em.)

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:06

        Seriously? They’re illegal? Goodness, that’s awful. I’ve got a whole collection of fun things. We were going to bring you on an adventure with us. You know, two Jedi and a Sith…impossible to stop, see.

        I imagine that those pointy shoes are very tough to wear. Just cut the point off and use it as a knife, I say.

      • 114 coruscantbookshelf January 11, 2016 at 21:11

        Well, most stuff if you make it yourself the government doesn’t care… but it’s a tad tricky to import lovely knives they don’t like.
        Where was your adventure going?

      • 115 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:55

        I’ll smuggle them to you, if you like. All good Jedi need weapons, see.

        You know, I think to the desert.

      • 116 coruscantbookshelf January 12, 2016 at 19:58

        Oh, lightsabers aren’t an issue – the government doesn’t think they exist.
        That sounds nice. Can I come even without illegal knives?

      • 117 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 13:51

        Don’t they? Capital. I’ve always wondered if they did, the buggers.

        You absolutely can! I will be, of course.

  14. 118 Catherine January 8, 2016 at 16:23

    Don’t get me started on those asshole “fake” police officers of mall security guards. It is far more (self) important for them to act all tough and more important for them to bitch and bully someone hanging out on a wall rather than ACTUALLY LOOK FOR PEOPLE STEALING PRODUCTS. They are scared to go INTO stores in case they may have to work……Oy!

    • 119 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:33

      Are they really? A wonder. I say Paul Blart, I know their tricks! Catherine, we should go and stop them all, I say.

  15. 120 walt walker January 8, 2016 at 15:50

    He probably had a fake plastic gun on his belt, eh? You should have told him to buzz off and move along his own self if he didn’t like the sight of you leaning. Or call the police on him. That would learn ‘im.

    • 121 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:32

      That’s a great idea. I should’ve called the police on him! Fetched him out. They would’ve been mad at him then. You’re a genius, Mr. Walt.

  16. 122 FictionFan January 8, 2016 at 14:00

    What were you searching for? What?!? I bet it was a gorgeous swishy purple velvet cloak! Or lovely pirate boots, since it’s a bit cold for Hectorish sandals. Or… wait, I know!! You were looking for a kilt to wear for when you Address the Haggis at this year’s Burns Supper!!! Ooh, I hope you found one! They say the haggis gets very annoyed if addressed by men in pants – and believe me, you don’t ever want to aggravate a haggis… *shudders*

    • 123 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:30

      But all I wear is pants! I wasn’t clothes shopping, you’ll be relieved to know. I was hat shopping, actually. Hats are awesome. They didn’t have any Pats hats either.

      Now hold on…haggis aren’t animals, are they?!

      • 124 FictionFan January 9, 2016 at 23:41

        *gasps* No shirts??? Really, sir! *faints* You must have a huge hat collection by now! I hope you got a purple one.

        Well, they’re certainly not human!! *shudders*

      • 125 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2016 at 14:08

        Hmmm. Shirts are for the faint of heart. Just like umbrellas. A purple one? No!! Never.

        Imagine. A Scottish lady hating on them. Not good, I tell you.

  17. 126 L. Marie January 8, 2016 at 13:59

    I feel in my boney bones that you handled that situation well.
    Outlet malls also have a ton of shoe stores. But I hope you were searching for a set of throwing knives. They’re hard to find at outlet malls though. I made my purchase at the Bristol Renaissance Faire.

    • 127 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:29

      Really? *beams with pride*

      That’s true. Lots of those, too. I was searching for all sorts of weapons. There were none to be had. a Renaissance Faire! Next time you go, please take me.

      • 128 L. Marie January 11, 2016 at 15:15

        Will do! :-) Hope you’re Ant-Man size and can fit in my backpack.

      • 129 Professor VJ Duke January 12, 2016 at 13:50

        Well, that might be a bit tough. But I’d like to be Ant-Man!

  18. 130 Hazy January 8, 2016 at 13:51

    No bakeries? That’s unacceptable! I actually bought a couple of Gap shirts recently, hmm. Maybe the security person was feeling cranky too. And when crankiness collide… it’s a cranky collision.

    • 131 Professor VJ Duke January 8, 2016 at 19:27

      *laughs* I bet Gap has great shirts. They have great walls, too! He must’ve been cranky. needed a spanking, he did.


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