It’s What’s In the Soup That Matters

You never know what is lurking in a soup.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledNow, here’s the thing: Soup is rather straightforward to make.

In truth, this is a true truth. Don’t doubt it, don’t judge it, believe it.

See, all you need is boiling water, carrots, MSG, spice needles, and a chopped egg. But if you can’t find those things, no biggie deal. Anything you can find will work.

After all, that’s how wedding soup was first made: All the scraps left behind after the wedding crashers and feasters had left was added to boiling water = wedding soup.


This wedding soup has mothballs in it. That’s too creative, see. In fact, it’s really contradicting what I just said about anything working. Gross.

Anyway and some, when the Robots came for Fats Henry’s food, I was a bit nervous. You see, Bud Parker, Schwarz Tauptinker and I had been fighting not preparing food–like we were supposed to.

But it turns out, Schwarz had made some soup by following the method this professor outlined above.

And he did it before I showed up.

“Bring his food now.”

The Robots repeated the order.

“Okay, okay,” Schwarz said, running to the stove and grabbing a pot. “Chickit we come!”

“Yeah, yeah, bud,” Parker said. “Keep your shirts on.”


Sorta what the robots looked like.

No shirts, see.

So, we followed the robots up the stairs and back into the huge dining hall.

Now, as we were exiting the kitchen, this professor saw a bottle on the shelf by the spices:

Never drink this sort of thing, kids.

Never drink this sort of thing, kids.


They didn’t put that in the soup, did they? I know this professor suggested poising Henry, but…whoa! I didn’t know they’d already done it! I thought we’d plan a plan or something. They acted fast, these two. Poison him on dinner number one. Wowawee.

Very wily indeed.

Fats Henry was waiting for us, in the dining hall, sitting there on the only chair at the only table.

There was a dish in front of him–a bowl-ish dish, mind you, (don’t judge me, you know what I mean!)–and he was holding his spoon in his hand.

Very cranky, he was, yo.


This is NOT it at all. The dining hall, I mean. I threw this in here so you could see a perfect example of how NOT to decorate a room. Too much pink.

Now, this professor should mention something before moving on: My wound (remember, I was shot) was starting to ache.

And that was putting me in a very cranky mood, the sudden.

“Finally!” Henry roared, upon seeing us. “Bring my soup here!!”

“How’d you know it was soup, bud?” Parker asked as we approached.

“‘Cause he’s carrying it in a huge pot!” Henry answered. “Don’t be so”–large intake of breath–“stupid, okay?!!”

“I’ve heard that sometimes ducks are in pots,” I pointed out.

“Shut-up, P.VJ,” Henry snapped.

“Yeah,” Schwarz said. “Shut-up you too, tell you what!”

Henry frowned immensely and stared at Schwarz.

“Just give me my food.”

Schwarz placed the pot on the table, took off the lid–there was a lid–and dumped the contents into Henry’s bowl.

It splashed everywhere, I fear.

“Should’ve brought a ladle,” Parker noticed.

“Yeah!” Henry roared. “Luckily for you, the soup missed me!”

Then, there was silence. The soup was served.

Personally, this professor was interested in seeing whether Henry approved of Schwarz’s cooking or not.

That’s when Henry started to laugh–victoriously.

“Okay,” he roared. “Guess what?”

“What?” Schwarz asked.

“I put that poison bottle on the self down there, ’cause I knew you were going to try to poison me! Looks like”–sudden intake of breath–“I outsmarted you! Haha! Now”–and Henry pushed the bowl and spoon towards Schwarz–“you try it first!”

There was silence again for a bit.

Henry sat there, in his hulking glory, quite pleased with himself.

Parker gasped when Schwarz–never mind the spoon–grabbed the bowl.


PL Symbol


83 Responses to “It’s What’s In the Soup That Matters”

  1. 1 Jackie January 15, 2016 at 20:33

    Moth balls??! I thought they were matzo balls. That wedding soup looks a lot like chicken noodle soup. Are you sure that’s not chicken noodle soup with matzo balls?

    I always know what goes into my soup! How do I know this? Because I make soup from scratch with fresh ingredients.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:32

      *laughing* It might…be? How can one tell the difference between a moth ball and matzo ball, Jackie? Help!

      Do you seriously? You amazing cook you!

      • 3 Jackie January 17, 2016 at 19:39

        Moth balls are generally much smaller than matzo balls. Moth balls also stink in a bad way whereas matzo balls stink in a good way.

        I don’t know about amazing – I guess you would have to ask those who have tried it. It is so easy to make soup anyone can do it. .

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2016 at 20:01

        *laughs* You know, I shall have to hunt up both balls, just to see them, for the future.

        Except the professor and rodents, of course.

      • 5 Jackie January 18, 2016 at 21:21

        Just remember: don’t eat the moth balls. Not that you’d want to once you smell them but I thought it was worth mentioning.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 13:58

        Are they poisonous?

      • 7 Jackie January 19, 2016 at 14:18

        Yes they are!

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:28

        For professors?

  2. 9 Louis from VA January 14, 2016 at 13:51

    Egad! Not another cliff hanger! XD
    Henry’s dining hall should totally be decorated pink. Just to see how he’d react.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:18

      You know, you have a point there. That’d be quite awesome. We should do it, for this birthday, just to see what he does.

  3. 11 John W. Howell January 14, 2016 at 00:32

    I don’t think poison is necessary as long as you have needles in the soup.

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:07

      Well, I though that too, but do you really suppose a needle would do the trick?

      • 13 John W. Howell January 15, 2016 at 13:37

        In numbers yes.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:21

        Ghastly way to…go.

      • 15 John W. Howell January 17, 2016 at 20:23

        A friend of yours is he?

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2016 at 20:04

        Well, an acquaintance. He deserved it, maybe.

      • 17 John W. Howell January 18, 2016 at 21:38

        I would say.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 13:59

        Doubly say, too.

      • 19 John W. Howell January 19, 2016 at 14:15

        Triple that.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:28

        Now everything is complete.

      • 21 John W. Howell January 19, 2016 at 22:30


      • 22 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:12

        *nods his approval*

      • 23 John W. Howell January 20, 2016 at 21:03

        *Double nod*

  4. 24 HotBottoms January 13, 2016 at 22:19

    Came across a soup recipe my wife left lying about. Started with “Place carcass in large pot…” I checked the pot sizes to make sure I was safe…

    • 25 Professor VJ Duke January 14, 2016 at 00:05

      *laughing* Now that is a thing. Are you safe?

      • 26 HotBottoms January 14, 2016 at 11:53

        False alarm-turned out to be a frozen turkey carcass which had lain in the freezer since Thanksgiving…but then I realized, judiciously folded, I could probably fit in that damn chest freezer. Must remain vigilant…

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:12

        You must. You must. Plus, be ready for other tactics too.

  5. 28 Nancy Loderick January 13, 2016 at 21:12

    Ah soup – the perfect food for a cold day, or not? I’m not so sure about this particular adventure, sounds quite dangerous.


    • 29 Professor VJ Duke January 14, 2016 at 00:05

      Yes, you know, Nancy, I’m not sure that soup is good for a cold day. It looks deadly.

  6. 30 walt walker January 13, 2016 at 17:43

    I like breakfast soup. I make it with milk and cereal.

    • 31 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:58

      *laughs* That’s it?

  7. 32 Susan P January 13, 2016 at 17:00

    Next thing you will be sending him over Niagara Falls and push him over the Falls.

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:57

      I might. If he asked. Is that so mean?

      • 34 Susan P January 14, 2016 at 06:32

        Only if it is in winter.

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:11

        The Pats are, you see.

  8. 36 L. Marie January 13, 2016 at 16:41

    Normally I like Italian wedding soup. But the combination you described sounds dreadful. Schwarz has a cast iron stomach, so I’m sure he’ll survive. At least Fats Henry was outsmarted. But I am surprised at you, Professor. You didn’t intervene in some way.

    • 37 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:57

      Now, how do you know that about Schwarz? It’s very true, tho. I’m quite impressed. Well…what could I have done? He moved too fast. *innocent until proven guilty*

  9. 38 Simply Skeptical January 13, 2016 at 16:24

    It is so and I’ve often thunk it – just what is in that soup. One will never know for sure. Ah, yes we know what they tell you, but can it be proven what’s under there? – Nada I say. By the way I feel the same about the ocean or any body of water where I can’t see where I’m placing my foot. Nope not for me.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:56

      Well…have you ever thought about drinking the ocean? That’s an interest right there, see.

  10. 40 Debbie January 13, 2016 at 16:09

    That bottle of “poison” looks more like icky shampoo — probably won’t taste too good, but shouldn’t harm Schwarzy. Might give him a foamy mouth, though! Let’s hope he’s smart enough to pretend to swallow it, just in case it’s really poison.

    You’re right about the pink room. Looks like somebody’s planning a ladies luncheon of some sort. Probably the kind of gathering a warrior like you wouldn’t want to attend!

    Those robot-things are creepy! Their faces look too feminine, and their necks…too open. How do they swallow stuff? For that matter, how do they hear with those little dials for ears??

    • 41 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:56

      Aha! Does that mean icky shampoo (in hotels) is poison? I bet so, the sudden. Aha, I see the conspiracy now.

      Yes, I wouldn’t go to such things. But neither would Dallas. We’d wait outside and throw things in. Like eggs, for instance.

      The are, aren’t they? You know, I bet they don’t even eat. Or hear, for that matter! I hope there’s an off switch on them…

  11. 42 desertdweller29 January 13, 2016 at 16:03

    What a waste of poison! The mothballs and MSG would have done the trick. Schwarz should have served Henry three-eyed toad soup! I hear it’s quite delicious. (Must be the third eye.)

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:54

      *laughs* A waste? But why? *laughing* I see, I see. Mothballs would kill a man dead, I hear. Eww…that would’ve definably killed him, too. But, look, Schwarz is about to die!

      • 44 desertdweller29 January 14, 2016 at 00:55

        Good Lord, save him, sir!! Schwarz must be savedddddd…… (Personally I think he’s immune to poison, so I’m not too worried. One builds up a tolerance for that sort of thing in PL.)

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:08

        That’s a good point. Here’s the thing. I don’t feel like saving anyways. You know, the professor is a villain, not a superhero. *proud*

  12. 46 masgautsen January 13, 2016 at 15:38

    I quite like pink!

    • 47 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:53

      But…completely pink?

      • 48 masgautsen January 14, 2016 at 06:04

        Oh yes 😉

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:10

        Oh no. Now, see, you must have more red than pink, see.

      • 50 masgautsen January 15, 2016 at 14:42

        No red.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:25

        But…but…but… *riots*

  13. 52 Chris White January 13, 2016 at 15:37

    “Poisoning the soup is pretty bad publicity-wise”, said Mr Heinz.
    I have taken to using my soup stone in these situations.
    All the very souply best. Kris.

    • 53 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:52

      Soup stone! I’ve heard of this, don’t you know. I must needs get one.

  14. 54 FictionFan January 13, 2016 at 15:03

    WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!? You stood by and let my Schwarzy be potentially poisoned?!? Why, you….. purple Professor, you!!! Dadblameit!! You should have jumped in and eaten the soup yourself – after all, since you have no heart and no brain, it’s a fair assumption that you have no stomach, either! I give you fair warning, if anything bad happens to my sweetie pumpkin pie, you’re in BIG TROUBLE!!!! Chickit, yeah!

    (*gasps* You’re right! No shirts! Just us well you didn’t post a full-length picture… *shudders*)

    Schwarzy is wily, isn’t he? *proud face*

    • 55 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:52

      Well, he just took it, the sudden. I can’t move that fast, you see. Plus, what was the purple professor supposed to do? Drink it? I think not, madam! Let’s just…pray…for Schwarz. I’m something of a ghost, in fact. If he drops dead…will you be very cranky?

      (Yes, the parts…the other parts just aren’t that good for looking, see. No looking zones.)

      Schwarz is? Now, why do you say that?

      • 56 FictionFan January 14, 2016 at 12:14

        You should have leapt in, taken the bowl and thrown the soup over the Chubby One! Are you a hero or not?!? And don’t give me the old ‘wobbly knees’ excuse – since you started philandering it’s become clear you’re not as old as you like to make out… *suspicious glare* Pray for him?! Oh dear, are things that bad?!? You can’t even begin to imagine how cranky I’ll be, sir!!

        (Phew! Thank you for saving me from that then! *bravely hides disappointment*)

        Because… because you – or your ghost-writer – said so!!! Plus he just is!

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:13

        But the professor isn’t a hero! I’m the villain, remember. The best villain ever, yes, but I don’t save people. I’m too wicked for that, see. Plus, Schwarz and Parker aren’t being very nice to me, too, you must admit. So, it’s like double revenge, see. Just pray for me, then. Forget Schwarz.

        (*laughs* You’re so wicked…)

        I did not say such a thing! *refuses to believe*

      • 58 FictionFan January 15, 2016 at 18:39

        The Professor is my hero, therefore he must be a hero! Not as big a hero as my Schwarzy obviously, but then who is? Schwarzy was perfectly nice to you till you foiled his plan for stealing the katana – and look what a mess you’ve made of the whole thing! I shall pray for you both, since I’m such a nice person, but I gotta tell you, I don’t think I’ve got much influence in the old praying department…

        Did too!

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:29

        *laughs* I”m not a bigger hero than Schwarz?! Who fought on the shores of Troy? Who fought at the Hornberg? Who fought everywhere but where he was supposed to? The professor!! But you do have a point. I was kinda mean to Schwarz and Parker. Still, I’m a meanie, don’t you know.

  15. 60 Heartafire January 13, 2016 at 14:51

    Oh, foolish Schwarz! Poison soup, ingenious Professor. it’s as though mother earth has reached up and choked the life out of one…or two. Suppose in that bowl there had been a viper? Is Schwarz tough enough to survive soup…he seems to think so.

    • 61 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:48

      I know. He shouldn’t have done it! Do you suppose Schwarz has some sort of other plan? It’s a possibility, see. But I don’t know. I wish I could have poison and be fine.

      • 62 Heartafire January 14, 2016 at 00:58

        :-D yeah. Got to give S credit assuming he survives !

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:08

        Yes. You know, I wish I could do that. I really do.

      • 64 Heartafire January 15, 2016 at 14:25

        I get your reluctance. Don’t cut him a break!

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:24

        Can I just throw him out of a window, please?

      • 66 Heartafire January 17, 2016 at 20:15

        such a pity, he is lovely.

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2016 at 20:02

        Well, here, you take him.

      • 68 Heartafire January 18, 2016 at 20:10

        You are good professor…good… wipes eyes.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 13:57

        Mostly wicked, tho.

      • 70 Heartafire January 19, 2016 at 14:02


      • 71 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 14:03

        Just a tenth of goodness.

  16. 72 PorterGirl January 13, 2016 at 14:32

    MSG is very bad for a person, you know! But also sort of delicious so… it is probably good for soup. Ah, I do love making soup. But I digress. Now – Henry has been unusually smart for once. All we can hope is that it isn’t real poison, or that the lovely Schwarz has some kind of immunity. He seems a hardy fellow. I’m sure he will be fine. Probably.

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke January 13, 2016 at 23:46

      You know, here’s the thing, I’ve just been reading an article about how MSG is actually not that bad! Not sure if I believe it, of course, tho.

      *laughs* I don’t think you have a high opinion of Henry. Now, it also seems as if you’re rooting for Schwarz…

      • 74 PorterGirl January 14, 2016 at 09:23

        Oh great then! Pile on the MSG!
        I am rooting for everyone, see.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke January 15, 2016 at 13:12

        *laughing* Don’t just pour it on! *gags* But…you can’t root for everyone!!

      • 76 PorterGirl January 15, 2016 at 17:55

        But you know I am really rooting for you, of course.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke January 17, 2016 at 19:27

        *laughs* Yes! And that is very sweet of you, of course.

      • 78 PorterGirl January 18, 2016 at 14:26

        But don’t tell people I can be sweet. They might expect it all the time *laughs*

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2016 at 20:06

        It’s a secret. Last thing we need is people to bother you for sweetness.

      • 80 PorterGirl January 18, 2016 at 20:50

        Well, quite. They can bother me for viciousness instead. The sweetness is to be kept hidden.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 13:58

        Only Terry shall know of it.

      • 82 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 14:22

        And only then once in awhile. (And you know a little of it, of course)

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:28

        Oh yes, I do. But I’m the professor, so it’s okay.

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
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12. Rats and a Heifer
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14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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