Turtle Hunting

professor speaks

So, the professor was out turtle hunting.

I was looking for this chap:

Red-eared Slider. I wish I had red ears.

Red-eared Slider. I wish I had red ears.

But then I saw this! (Online.)

Alligator_snapping_turtle

Unknown

And the professor was like…wow!

I must needs have this one. See, this is the warrior among turtles. Sorta like I’m a warrior among professors.

So, the professor went to this pond store.

“I’d like an alligator snapping turtle, please,” I said.

The chap’s face kinda fell. “You mean a real one?”

“I’d prefer that, but if you have solid gold ones, I might be interested.”

He laughed a bit. “You can’t buy those turtles. If you’re looking for a turtle for a pond or something, can I suggest a red-eared pond slider? Snapping turtles are just way too dangerous.”

“That’s okay,” I said. “I’m more dangerous than one of them.”

I never did get that turtle.

Moral: You have to thieve snapping turtles; you can’t buy them.

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121 Responses to “Turtle Hunting”


  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich January 20, 2016 at 21:33

    I never knew a turtle could do that sort of posture! I’m going to go look at some youtube videos of them now…

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:06

      *laughing* It’s impressive, isn’t it? Sonya, let’s get a few turtles.

  2. 3 Simply Skeptical January 19, 2016 at 23:49

    Oh I love turtles. I had forgotten how cute they are. As in the first picture. I didn’t realize snapping turtles looked so fierce. Mean and scary for sure. You’ve not lived until you’ve pet a turtle’s head and they trust you to. Certainly don’t try this with a snapping turtle. :-)

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:26

      Well, see, if I was a turtle I’d be a snapping turtle beast. That’s me, see.

  3. 5 John W. Howell January 19, 2016 at 22:37

    pssst. Hey, buddy. You want a turtle?

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:21

      Oh yes. Yes, please. Do you have one?

      • 7 John W. Howell January 20, 2016 at 21:01

        Hows this Alligator Snapper look to you. Watch out! He’s a mean one.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:05

        He looks…beastly. I’ll take him. What cost is he?

      • 9 John W. Howell January 21, 2016 at 16:57

        For you. One 12 lb bar of chocolate

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:52

        That’s a lot…but here ya go.

      • 11 John W. Howell January 22, 2016 at 16:43

        It’s not for me it’s for the turtle. That is his daily intake.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:45

        That much? Goodness. How old is he? He might die soon.

      • 13 John W. Howell January 22, 2016 at 22:49

        I think his birth certificate says he was born in 1919

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:10

        Whoa. He’s older than me. Does he get around fine?

      • 15 John W. Howell January 25, 2016 at 23:27

        Yeah I think so.

  4. 16 Heartafire January 19, 2016 at 22:04

    I adore turtles but not in pic #2 and pic #3. those are scary turtles and I think #2 is a snapping turtle , you want to stay away from those. I’m from Florida, I know my turtles. Anecdote: I had a box turtle (so cute) when I was a child. I wrote POGO on his shell cause that was his name. He escaped and was found a few blocks away and returned to me as this person knew that I had a turtled named Pogo. A miracle! I let him loose into the lake out back, I had to assume he wanted to get away. Be very careful with the snappers Professor, they can take a finger off before you can say Rats and a Heifer.

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:11

      *gulps* Can they really? Goodness. Are they nice or vicious? Can you train them at all?

      Now, Pogo sounds like an awesome turtle. I’m sure he was a bit wicked, tho.

      • 18 Heartafire January 20, 2016 at 15:16

        they are not nice and their favorite munchie is fingers from which they will not let go once they get they grip onthem. oh, they are terrible Professor!

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:00

        *shivers* We should declare war on them then?

      • 20 Heartafire January 21, 2016 at 17:38

        okay I”m right behind you.

      • 21 Heartafire January 20, 2016 at 15:17

        Pogo was a gem…he ate lettuce and celery right from my hand…so cute.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:00

        What a sweet little beast. You must needs get another.

      • 23 Heartafire January 21, 2016 at 17:35

        No, I have to take care of Tidey Man dog, that’s enough.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:58

        Now, who is this?

      • 25 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 15:00

        Tide is my dog but he doesn’t know he’s a dog and I’m not telling him.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 15:01

        *laughing lots and lots* What sort is he?

      • 27 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 15:20

        he’s a Boston Terrier, brown, cute!

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:41

        Aw! I bet he’s really cute. Love boston terries.

      • 29 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 23:24

        https://aheartafire.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/what-i-saw-today/ He’s the one with the ears and big eyes.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:14

        Oh he’s adorable!!

      • 31 Heartafire January 25, 2016 at 14:46

        yeah!!

      • 32 Heartafire January 21, 2016 at 17:38

        Okay , I’m right behind you!!

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:58

        Stay close!

      • 34 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 15:02

        if you don’t mind repeated whines of “are we there yet”. Ha!

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:24

        *laughs* I do that every so often myself.

      • 36 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 23:34

        we would be a noisy pair! :)

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:16

        Haha. We sure would be!

  5. 38 walt walker January 19, 2016 at 20:06

    Paying is just a polite way of taking what you want. If someone says you can’t buy something, well that’s just rude. Then you just take it anyway. They had their chance.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:38

      *laughing lots and lots* I love this to many deaths! What a point, too. After all, if they aren’t willing to accept what I might offer (probably grass, the sudden) I’ll just thieve it. You, Mr. Walt, are a genius.

  6. 40 E. January 19, 2016 at 19:42

    You couldn’t pay me enough to go near a snapping turtle! Unless it *was* made of solid gold, and didn’t move, or snap, or turtle. Foxes like shiny things, but they don’t like things that bite back, don’t you know.

    • 41 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:37

      Really? Not even if it was my pet, and I promised it wouldn’t bite your feet off?

      *nods* I bet that’s true. I couldn’t have a fox and turtle. Rats and a Heifer.

      • 42 E. January 19, 2016 at 23:32

        I don’t think you could guarantee that a snapping turtle wouldn’t snap, but if you can, I’m still going to throw a mannequin at it first, just to make extra sure!

        Yeah, foxes don’t like reptiles. But E. the human likes reptiles. And foxes. And most critters.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:25

        That’s a smart move, I’d say. Throw something, at least. That way you won’t lose a finger or something. Too bad snapping turtles are so mean. *sigh*

        So, you’re in sorta of a hard place. Maybe you could have a fox that likes a turtle. It’s possible, maybe.

      • 44 E. January 20, 2016 at 22:35

        Sometimes mean things are also the best things. But most of the time, they’re just mean.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:07

        Yeah, mean things can be rather great. Like a water balloon, for instance. They’re mean, but great.

      • 46 E. January 21, 2016 at 15:44

        I suppose it would depend which side of the balloon you were on!

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:49

        Right, right. You’d want to be throwing it.

      • 48 E. January 22, 2016 at 14:51

        Yes, then water balloons are the best!

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 15:01

        Red ones, too!

  7. 50 InfiniteZip January 19, 2016 at 17:25

    What an impressive arrive beast that one…yes, you should get one, make it a pet…..perhaps he can sleep in a turtle box on your bed? You could name him Peyton…he looks like a Peyton.

    • 51 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:36

      *laughing* Peyton will be a turtle once Tom Brady is done with him… But do you think he might bite me?

      • 52 InfiniteZip January 20, 2016 at 11:41

        Peyton or the turtle? I had a snapping turtle at my mailbox once…he hissed at me so I did a curling style push off with my extended snow brush and shot him across the street over the edge of the road back towards the creek and woods…..he scurried along and never made it to my pond thank goodness.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:26

        *laughing* They hiss? Really?! Goodness. But what a warrior you were! You won, see.

  8. 54 Nancy Loderick January 19, 2016 at 16:39

    I love turtles! We count them when we are out kayaking. It’s so much fun to see them all lined up on logs, sunning themselves.

    Of course, we aren’t hunting them, just observing them. ;)

    Nancy

    • 55 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:36

      Don’t you kinda want to bring one home? Just kinda?

      • 56 Nancy Loderick January 19, 2016 at 21:49

        Well, I suppose so. I don’t know how “our” chipmunks would react to the new creature though. :)

        Nancy

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:10

        They might ride on its back, maybe?

      • 58 Nancy Loderick January 20, 2016 at 22:26

        Well, the chipmunks would have to be a lot more zen then, since those little creatures move so fast and turtles move so slowly!

        Nancy

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:07

        But turtles have shells. I’m sure that ways them down.

  9. 60 Debbie January 19, 2016 at 16:10

    That snapping turtle looks vicious indeed! Something like that would keep the buggers away, providing you keep it a bit on the hungry side. As for the pink-eared chap, why, professor, of course you too can have pink ears — just stand outside in the Arctic air without a hat on for an hour or so! By the way, do you have a pond for that sort of critter??

    • 61 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:35

      Well, I’ve got something of a pound. I don’t know if it’s big enough for the alligator chap, not that he’d mind. Or he might, and bite of my feet. The professor, the sudden, doesn’t have ears, don’t you know.

  10. 62 desertdweller29 January 19, 2016 at 15:57

    I prefer the three-eyed toad. Good for keeping watch.

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:33

      That’s true. Do you suppose he keeps one of his eyes opened when he sleeps?

      • 64 desertdweller29 January 19, 2016 at 22:05

        Yes! It’s the perfect watch guard. One eye always stays open, me thinks.

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:11

        I wish one of my eyes always stayed open. *jealous*

      • 66 desertdweller29 January 20, 2016 at 15:34

        Yessss… *one suspicious eye* *one jealous eye*

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:01

        *laughing* See? I bet you wish you had another.

  11. 68 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 14:37

    Chickit. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Go in there and act like you know what you are doing. We’re depending on you.

    • 69 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:31

      Do you think I”ll be able to convince that mean chap? I mean, he was sorta thinking about calling the cops. I could tell. Or the pound. I’m not sure which he was going to call.

      • 70 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 21:48

        I think you should throw ice cream at him.

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:09

        Yes, but what flavor?

      • 72 Susan P January 20, 2016 at 13:11

        Chocolate raspberry.

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:27

        Mmm. Can I have some?

      • 74 Susan P January 20, 2016 at 13:54

        If you can catch up on me.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 14:57

        Let me get my running shoes.

      • 76 Susan P January 21, 2016 at 17:23

        I’m devious.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:56

        Can I be, too?

      • 78 Susan P January 23, 2016 at 15:18

        I believe, sir, that you already fit that appellant.

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:17

        Ooo, fancy word there, madam.

  12. 80 crimeworm January 19, 2016 at 14:36

    I love turtles. When you eventually get your hands on one, can I come visit to see it? I’ll bring tasty snacks for us AND the turtle! Can’t say fairer than that! All you have to do is make tea – very civilized!

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:31

      Tasty snacks! Mmmm…that’s a deal, the sudden. What will they be? Out of curiosity, of course. I’ll make cherry green tea. Is that acceptable? It’s the best.

      And I’ll put the turtle in a cage…so he doesn’t snap.

  13. 82 alicjajohnson January 19, 2016 at 14:08

    I like the original chap! The alligator one is much too terrifying for my taste.

    • 83 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:27

      He is a beast, isn’t he? I mean, just look at that armor. I have a feeling that thing might be able to bite off a leg. Goodness.

  14. 84 FictionFan January 19, 2016 at 14:07

    Oh be honest! You just like that turtle because it looks like Clara! In fact, stick some lipstick on it and it’d be hard to tell them apart! I’m not sure it’s snapping – actually I think it’s dancing. I bet if we could see its feet it’s wearing a little pair of tap shoes.

    Red ears would clash hideously with your pretty pink nose…

    • 85 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 14:38

      That is Clara? Wow

      • 86 FictionFan January 19, 2016 at 16:10

        Now I think about it, I may have inadvertently insulted the turtle…

      • 87 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 16:32

        laughing

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:35

        You sorta did… Or complimented sweet Clara.

      • 89 FictionFan January 19, 2016 at 23:33

        Sweet Clara?!? *throws a major tantrum and bops Prof over the head with his guitar!!!*

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:25

        My beautiful wonderful adorable guitar! Touch it not!

      • 91 FictionFan January 20, 2016 at 17:35

        OK, I shall bop you with Kenny’s sax then…

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:05

        Make it the soprano. I’d actually like that one.

      • 93 FictionFan January 21, 2016 at 17:07

        But would it sound as good with a Professor’s-head-shaped bump in the… er… tube bit?

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:56

        *laughs* Goodness…you hate me, the sudden.

      • 95 FictionFan January 22, 2016 at 22:59

        No, no, not hate! I could never hate you, even though you’re the world’s most outrageous philanderer!

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:12

        Since when! I’m so heartless it’s funny!!

    • 97 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:27

      It looks like Clara? Wow. Clara must be cute and have cool armor! And I bet Clara doesn’t wear lipstick, the sudden, don’t you know. *laughs* That’d be hilarious.

      I don’t have a pink nose! *is adamant*

      • 98 FictionFan January 19, 2016 at 23:26

        Oh, you do too! (Adam Ant?)

        Clara cute?!? Hast the Professor found his lost heart… and then promptly given it away??? *grinds teeth* If she can’t even be bothered putting on a bit of lippy, she’s not good enough for you! Though she should probably go the whole hog and put a bag over her lopsided head! *growls*

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke January 20, 2016 at 13:23

        *laughs* I see what you did there, and I dig.

        Well you said it not me! Can’t blame this innocent bystander. *whistles and looks around* Listen, I’m sure you don’t have to worry about Clara. She hates me something awful, wouldn’t you know.

      • 100 FictionFan January 20, 2016 at 17:32

        I most certainly did not!! She is as cute as the winner of the ugliest Thark competition! Ah, she’s just hiding her feelings! Your feelings, on the other hand, are an open book, sir!! *glares, growls and gruffles*

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:04

        The professor’s feelings are never an open book! I hide them up my sleeve. She likes me then?

      • 102 FictionFan January 21, 2016 at 17:06

        Why should you want to know that? Huh? HUH?!! What am I – your matchmaker?!!

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:56

        Well, you said it! And girls understand girls. This is all so entertaining.

  15. 104 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 13:27

    Aha the red eared slider! Finally, I get to see one of the buggers. They are super. But the alligator snapping turtle is quite something. Sort of reminds me of my Mum.

    • 105 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 14:02

      *laughing lots and lots* Your mum? That is hilarious. I’ll be laughing all day. I like the armor it wears! Isn’t that something? I need armor like that, the sudden.

      • 106 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 14:23

        Yes, armor just like my Mum’s *laughing lots* He has the same cranky face as her, too. Let’s all get armor!

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:29

        *laughing lots* I’m going to tell your mum on you!

    • 108 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 14:41

      Reminds you of your mother how?

      • 109 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 15:13

        When she goes ‘RAARR!’ she looks very much like the snapping turtle :D

      • 110 crimeworm January 19, 2016 at 15:18

        She reminds me of my sister, PorterGirl, all the time! She’s so dour!

      • 111 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 15:19

        My Mum is usually quite marvellous, but when she gets vicious she is quite a sight!!

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:32

        Dour…what a cool word. I’ve never heard of it. *puts it in professor dictionary*

      • 113 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 15:23

        Why does she do that? ‘Cause I did it too and I was wondering if we were related.

      • 114 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 15:44

        She definitely doesn’t do it at me because I am so well-behaved and delightful :/ You two could be related – you are both quite naughty and with fearsome streaks. :)

      • 115 Susan P January 19, 2016 at 16:31

        Thank you. I feel that I just received a delightful complement.

      • 116 PorterGirl January 19, 2016 at 16:49

        Aha excellent! It was meant as such :D

      • 117 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 21:33

        Lucy behaved and delightful? Hahahahahahahaha…

  16. 118 L. Marie January 19, 2016 at 13:25

    That alligator snapping turtle would be a good watch-pet. But you can also get a red-eared slider since it has red in its name and seems very cute. You like red, don’t you?

    • 119 Professor VJ Duke January 19, 2016 at 14:02

      I love red! But, see, that slider man wouldn’t be as good of a guard as the snapping beast. Do you think I should just steal a snapping turtle? Not sure where to get one, see. *makes visit to zoo*

      • 120 L. Marie January 20, 2016 at 14:35

        A zoo is a good place to start.

      • 121 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 14:59

        Then work on a great escape plan. I’m digging.


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