Poisoning Is An Art, See

Treachery is one of those things that’s not predictable. If it were, it’d just be its more boring cousin, Rottenness.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

Untitled

As Schwarz Tauptinker greedily slurped the soup from Fats Henry’s dish, Henry’s last remark was floating around in this professor’s mind:

“I put that poison bottle on the self down there, ’cause I knew you were going to try to poison me!

It was floating...

It was floating…

See, Fats Henry’s whole thingy wasn’t making sense. He put that bottle down there on purpose? And he put it there because he knew he was going to be poisoned?

This professor must’ve been missing something, ’cause it wasn’t making sense, see, his logic. No-sense-logic. I bet that’s what he learned in school.

Schwarz finished all the soup in the dish and wiped his mouth.

“Tasty,” he said.

Henry’s face fell.

“But…but…but…” he began. “It wasn’t poisoned, huh?!

Then I saw Bud Parker’s face.

He was smiling.

Like this:

b06994664fc4a80d81d65b37159946de

Something was up.

“Why no, bud,” Parker said, feigning care. “We’d never poison you, would we, Schwarz?”

“Nope,” Schwarz answered. “Chickit never.”

“I’m impressed with you all,” I said aloud.

Henry grabbed his bowl from Schwarz and poured some soup into it.

He slurped it down.

“Ugh! It’s awful, but definitely not poisoned…”

Henry stood there shaking his head.

Parker shot Schwarz a glance, who shot Parker a glance.

They were shooting glances back and forth.

Shooting glances, but not with these cool things.

Shooting glances, but not with these cool things.

Finally, Henry looked up.

“Idiots!” he boomed. “You’ll just stay my slaves forever. I won’t give you an easy out like that again!”

“What was your plan exactly?” I asked. “Inquiring minds are curious about those minds who obviously don’t inquire.”

“Well,” Henry began, a bit subdued, “I was going to see if they had treachery in them. You can always tell. Doesn’t make sense to keep servants who have treachery in them around, ’cause eventually they’ll take you out. You can plan and all that, but, I mean, eventually, they’ll catch you off guards. So, my plan was to find out early, and get rid of them if they were treacherous. Since they’re not treacherous but only idiots, I’ll just keep ’em about.”

Whoa. The professor immediately had a brain freeze.

brainfreeze

“So,” Schwarz said, the sudden, “you wouldn’t want this dessert, would you?”

And quicker than a mountain goat, Parker whipped out a muffin from behind his back and tossed it to Schwarz.

Schwarz prepared to take a huge bite from it.

They were acting. I was an impressed professor, let me say.

“Oh no!” Henry roared. “That’s mine! You don’t get anymore of my food!”

Henry’s gluttony was coming back to bite him in the a–…behind.

And even quicker than a mountain goat, Henry grabbed the muffin and chomped it down.

He hit the floor immediately with a groan.

“You….treacherous animals!” he roared.

He’d been poisoned.

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98 Responses to “Poisoning Is An Art, See”


  1. 1 Lady Dunamis January 21, 2016 at 13:48

    Well, shiver me timbers. Fats Henry is dead…I think.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:08

      And are you happy about that?

      • 3 Lady Dunamis January 21, 2016 at 16:01

        I have no quarrel with Fats Henry. Now had that been anybody else, a particular and peculiar character in TPL, well, never you mind.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:51

        Like DS and Mr. R?

      • 5 Lady Dunamis January 22, 2016 at 16:02

        You are very smart. 😏

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:44

        Wily, too.

  2. 7 bardictale January 21, 2016 at 09:06

    They were quite clever, I dare say.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:08

      Scarily clever. Save me from them, Bard!

      • 9 bardictale January 21, 2016 at 21:01

        You can do it yourself: walk out the door. No one is going to stop you now^~

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 15:00

        I think I’d rather jump out a window, Bard.

      • 11 bardictale January 23, 2016 at 20:19

        Why? The door’s open. Window jumping may cause serious injury.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:18

        But it’s cooler!

      • 13 bardictale January 25, 2016 at 16:09

        I…see your point.
        Not patching you up, though.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 13:25

        But why not? Dadblameit.

      • 15 bardictale January 26, 2016 at 15:37

        Because my services are for those who didn’t hurt themselves in the name of cool.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:49

        But…but…but…oh, okay, Bard. Dadblameit.

  3. 17 John W. Howell January 20, 2016 at 22:37

    I knew the poison would show up someplace.Always beware of false prophets who try to pass off a muffin as dessert.

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:08

      *nods and laughs* Very true. Never take a muffin that is tossed from person to person either.

      • 19 John W. Howell January 21, 2016 at 16:55

        Obvious rule #1

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:52

        I overlook the obvious all the time.

      • 21 John W. Howell January 22, 2016 at 16:44

        Another rule not so obvious.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:45

        I hate Mr. Obvious, I”ve decided.

      • 23 John W. Howell January 22, 2016 at 22:47

        Yeah, he’s a drip.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:10

        I hope he drops away, don’t you know.

      • 25 John W. Howell January 25, 2016 at 23:28

        Me too.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 13:29

        All the way to the rubbish.

      • 27 John W. Howell January 26, 2016 at 14:12

        And into the landfill.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:43

        Never to be seen again.

      • 29 John W. Howell January 26, 2016 at 22:44

        Unless subdivision is built on it.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:26

        *laughs* Then he’d be in someone’s garage.

      • 31 John W. Howell January 27, 2016 at 14:26

        Or under a bush.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:32

        Which might be worse. Imagine him under a bush. *shudders*

  4. 33 Sonya Solomonovich January 20, 2016 at 21:37

    A devious bit of treachery indeed! By the way, where did that ‘floating in your mind’ picture come from?

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:07

      You know, I just googled it and thieved it for a bit. Because the professor is a thiever, you know.

      • 35 Sonya Solomonovich January 28, 2016 at 12:36

        So I’m discovering! This pic reminds me of the state of my mind sometimes when I’m spaced out.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:05

        It does, huh? What a thing it is.

  5. 37 Simply Skeptical January 20, 2016 at 21:18

    cleverness on heaps of cleverness didn’t think the punchy crew had it in them. Hmm, Might Henry have the last laugh afterall?

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:06

      He might. He definitely might, SS.

  6. 39 E. January 20, 2016 at 19:23

    That’s one fast-acting poison and one terrifying pig-smile!

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:05

      I agree. You know, I’m almost thinking the poison should’ve been given to the pig, don’t you suppose?

      • 41 E. January 21, 2016 at 17:05

        I think so! That thing is terrifying!

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:55

        I think he’s wearing dentures.

      • 43 E. January 22, 2016 at 14:57

        Regardless, death to the pig demon!

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 15:01

        Death! Here, take the katana and finish him.

  7. 45 walt walker January 20, 2016 at 16:52

    There’s a fine line between treachery and idiocy.

    I like how this one has a muffin in it.

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:04

      Hmmm…good point, Mr. Waltker. Very good point.

      A cherry one. I had hoped it was cherry. The stupid author didn’t tell us.

  8. 47 Debbie January 20, 2016 at 16:35

    I’m still marveling over the set of chompers that grinning pig has — he must have just returned from a dental cleaning!

    Say poor Henry really wasn’t poisoned. C’mon, say it, Professor. Why, I’m thinking he’s faking. He’s got to be! Besides, he’s far too smart to assume any muffin Bud would toss his way wouldn’t be poisonous!

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:03

      You know, I think he’s showing them off. Imagine. The least he could do is be a bit more discreet. I’m jealous of him, the sudden.

      Well, I’m not sure that he’s too smart for it, but I am sure that he’ll recover. I mean, he is Fats Henry after all. It might momentarily disable him, which is what they want, so they can nab the sword. But I’ll get it first.

  9. 49 Heartafire January 20, 2016 at 15:56

    This is bound to happen when gluttony takes hold of you, especially with muffins, there are so many different and delicious flavors. I recently had a pumpkin muffin, it was crusty outside and inside soft and spicy. Yum! Still, I feel this is not the end of Fats is it Professor?

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:02

      Oh no. I’m sure he’ll be back. The poison probably won’t work, see. Do you suppose he’ll take revenge?

      Now, I need a pumpkin muffin. *steals Hollie’s*

      • 51 Heartafire January 21, 2016 at 17:29

        Beware, Fats will be back with a vengence! Let go my pumpkin muffin!

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:57

        *laughs* Can I have half? I bet you’re right. When he returns, you must have speaks with him.

      • 53 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 15:22

        Get your own muffin, I’m so stingy…poor fats.

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:41

        Fats would try to take your muffin, too, you know!

      • 55 Heartafire January 22, 2016 at 23:21

        I am faster than Fats…he needs to get his own low cal muffin.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:14

        *laughing* I think he does. And exercise a bit.

  10. 57 desertdweller29 January 20, 2016 at 15:55

    I can’t keep track of the poisoning, which is exactly how poisoning should occur! (I learned that from The Princess Bride.)

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:02

      Haha. That scene always confuses me. That little squeaky chap was my fav. Why do my favs always die, DD?

      • 59 desertdweller29 January 21, 2016 at 15:29

        Because you always choose the wicked one! *laughing lots*

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:48

        *bangs head* I know you do, too!

  11. 61 Haylee January 20, 2016 at 14:47

    What a fabulous bit of hoodwinkery (this is now a word). Reading this story when I’ve just eaten soup is a little unsettling – it’s a good job I don’t have any muffins. Actually, it’s never a good job to not have muffins… Anyway, no wonder you were impressed, I’d never have the poker face skills to pull it off.

    • 62 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 15:00

      Love the word to many deaths! Haha…you just had soup? I do apologize. But what sort of soup? And there’s really no excuse for having soup and no cherry muffins. Disappointed. I’m like Fischer there, see.

      • 63 Haylee January 21, 2016 at 15:44

        Good old tomato – not my favourite and by rights it should have been chicken because it was an attempt to stop feeling flu ridden. But I’ve had an emergency delivery of chicken casserole so this should help. Still no muffins. I’ll join you in your disappointment.

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:50

        No muffins? This is an outrage, I say! I’m thinking you should have potato soup.

  12. 65 L. Marie January 20, 2016 at 14:33

    Chicky-woot-woot!!! Now that was a plan! I’ve never been prouder in all my life.

    • 66 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 14:59

      Of Schwarz, Parker, or the professor?

      • 67 L. Marie January 22, 2016 at 15:38

        Of all concerned (except for Fats Henry).

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:42

        Poor Fats henry. He’s just the villain, see.

  13. 69 Susan P January 20, 2016 at 14:03

    Gluttony should be used on a regular basis.

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 14:59

      The word?

      • 71 Susan P January 21, 2016 at 17:25

        Just throw it around recklessly and look at people Stare.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:57

        Stare…I’ll try, Susan.

      • 73 Susan P January 23, 2016 at 15:16

        Until the next distraction arrives?

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:17

        Which is…?

  14. 75 FictionFan January 20, 2016 at 13:56

    Oooooh, Schwarzy!!! My hero!!!! Isn’t he just the most wonderful, sneaky, smart little sweetie pumpkin pie that ever existed?!! You’re so lucky he was there to help you out, since you could never have come up with such a masterplan! And yet still you’re such an ungrateful beastly beast – my Schwarzy does not slurp greedily!!! He sips manfully! *nods decidedly and glares at the Prof*

    Bud, on the other hand, really needs to work on his beauty regime, I feel…

    • 76 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 14:59

      Well, FEF, I”m not sure the traits he’s showing there are good ones, see. Don’t let your crush fool you. He and Parker scare me. I never thought they’d think that much. *shivers* But still, I have the upper hand here. As you’ll about to see… It was a slurp, madam! I know a slurp when I hear a slurp!!

      You should ask him out.

      • 77 FictionFan January 21, 2016 at 17:01

        Huh! I don’t think you’re in any position to criticise my Schwarzy’s traits after your appalling behaviour today, sir! You constantly underestimate him – pure jealousy! I’m sure secretly you’re in awe of his heroism and intelligence – I know I am! If you heard a slurp, I suspect you were probably eating soup yourself at the time… *glares*

        Ah! I see! You think I only stand a chance with men who look like pigs, do you? The truth is out now!! *tosses hair defiantly* I bet that pig snorts just like Kenny…

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:55

        I’m appalling! I like that. Also, filthy, heartless, and rather a huge problem at times. All good things, wouldn’t you say? Backs up my story about being on the fields of Troy. *laughs* I don’t slurp my soup!!

        *laughing lots and lots* No, no! I didn’t mean that, of course…

      • 79 FictionFan January 22, 2016 at 22:57

        Well… all very manly things, certainly! I’m not sure about this whole fields of Troy story – do you have photographs? Ah, you probably just don’t know you do… most slurpers are unaware of their slurpiness…

        Hmm… *unconvinced glare*

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke January 25, 2016 at 14:12

        Well, there were no cameras back then! See, that’s the thing. But I have one of Hector’s sandals, one of his wife’s dresses, a few coins, and a piece of Priam’s beard. *proud*

        No, no, really. I wouldn’t lie!

      • 81 FictionFan January 25, 2016 at 18:26

        Ooh, can I please have the dress? It’ll suit me better than you! But you can keep the beard and the smelly old sandal…

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 13:28

        Are you sure you want the dress? It’s sorta green.

      • 83 FictionFan January 26, 2016 at 15:35

        Oh, was she a thark? Green suits me…

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:48

        I know green is your fav. Nah, she was just a green-footed thing.

      • 85 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 01:15

        Ah! A marsh-wiggle…

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:31

        You are not!

      • 87 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 16:54

        *laughs lots*

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:40

        ==[:{)=

      • 89 FictionFan January 28, 2016 at 00:04

        Goodness! You haven’t worn your top hat in an age…!

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:04

        Makes me look old, doesn’t it?

      • 91 FictionFan January 28, 2016 at 20:40

        You are old…

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:13

        Older than the mountains, younger than the stars.

  15. 93 PorterGirl January 20, 2016 at 13:40

    Oh my! A poisoning that wasn’t a poisoning but then actually was a poisoning! My little mind is quite fizzy with it all. I am pleased to see you used the picture of my smiling – that was taken in the summer when I was on holiday. But anyway. How quick is a mountain goat? This inquiring mind simply must know!

    • 94 Professor VJ Duke January 21, 2016 at 14:57

      *laughing lots* That’s you? Why, I never. Well, it’s a nice smile, I say. And it seems like the sun made you pink as well. What a thing.

      I know! Can you believe them? The little buggers.

      Well, if a mountain goat is on the mountain, I”m thinking they’re snake quick, see.

      • 95 PorterGirl January 21, 2016 at 15:09

        Yes indeed, very pink! I am smiling because I just ate an ice cream. I remember the happy day well. Ah, the summer…
        That is very quick indeed – quicker than even me chasing a pie!

      • 96 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 14:46

        *laughing* Next time, tho, you must wear a hat, I’m thinking. So you don’t get pink. It’s a wonder the ice cream didn’t melt!

        Oh, I’ve worked on it. It’s quite a thing, see, to be that fast.

      • 97 PorterGirl January 22, 2016 at 15:55

        Good plan. It didn’t melt, because I ate it so fast. Greedy, see.
        You have it down to quite an art form!

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke January 22, 2016 at 21:43

        *laughing lots* And they say greed is a bad thing!


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