Why Scales Are Unfair

professor speaks

In this post, this professor will set out to:

Prove why scales are unfair.


Let’s begin.


So, it was a ballroom.

Nah, a rec room.

Double-nah, a ballroom.

The sudden, a rec room. (Recreation room, see. It took this professor many long times to figure out that ‘rec’ was ‘recreation’. Dadblame abbreviations.)

Anyways and some more, it was a dingy room. With blue carpet.

Some rotten squeaky doors, too.


This is a close-up of blue carpet. Look how it seems like a cabbage head.

On the night this professor was there, it was quite lively.

See, it was this sort of social thingy.

The professor was sitting at a table with a bunch of chaps.

It was one of those famously-vexing casual dress events.

Which means, basically, come dressed in uncomfortable clothes.

Uncomfortable clothes.

Uncomfortable clothes.

The sudden, that is James Bond in the picture. It’s been decided by a tally of a few hundred, that he’d lose in a fight to…

Leaning on the wall like a boss, 'cause the wall has no business to tell him otherwise.

Leaning on the wall like a boss, ’cause the wall has no business to tell him otherwise.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. That happens when you have a professorish brain.

Anyway, yes, uncomfortable clothes. What is casual about uncomfortable clothes? I tell you: nothing!

So, the professor was at a table with a bunch of fellows.

“Okay,” Gerry said. (We will call him Gerry so he doesn’t find out I’m writing about him, see.)

Gerry continued: “I don’t understand why they invented scales to weigh yourself on. I mean, what’s the point? It’s demeaning.”

Another of the fellows laughed. His name…is, the sudden, Larry.

“Maybe for you, Gerry! Lose some weight and it won’t matter to you in the future.”

“Yeah!” another fellow joined in. “It’s not demeaning for thinner people.”

“Or smaller people.”

And being the professor I am, I had to say a few things here, there, and everywhere.

“Not so,” said this professor. “See, scales aren’t only demeaning for the larger people, see.”

“No?” Larry said. “Enlighten me.”

“I shall, madam–I mean, sir!”

He was cranky at that.

“See, suppose for a second that an ant weighed itself on a scale…what would it weigh?”


“Yeah, not much at all.”

“See, that’d be more demeaning than weighing something,” I said. “Always better to be something than nothing.”

Moral: Scales are equally mean to larger and smaller persons.


72 Responses to “Why Scales Are Unfair”

  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich January 29, 2016 at 16:46

    That is a wise argument about the ant! I am not in agreement on the James Bond thing, though. The thing is, Bond cannot be defeated at all. His story is designed so that he always has the right gadget at hand to be able to defeat whoever is after him. How can Matt Damon ever best that?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:56

      Well, Bourne is so handy. I think he’s unkillable, too. Plus, he has evil eyes, wouldn’t you say?

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich January 31, 2016 at 17:37

        He does have evil eyes! But how would that help him in a fight?

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:55

        Maybe scare the opposition?

  2. 5 Nancy Loderick January 27, 2016 at 20:12

    Well Professor,

    I guess the big question is would James Bond or Matt Damon get on a scale?


    • 6 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:43

      Ahh…and who would weigh more! That’s the thing.

      • 7 Nancy Loderick January 28, 2016 at 18:42

        Well Professor,

        Mmm, that is a good question. I would guess that Matt Damon would weigh more since he is younger and probably has more muscle mass. :)


      • 8 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:09

        Ahhh! Is that how things like that work out? Very cool.

  3. 9 L. Marie January 27, 2016 at 14:30

    I’m worried that this makes perfect sense. Does that mean I need medication? Perhaps staring at Matt Damon’s photo will help.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:33

      *laughs* Well, it makes sense to me, too. We’re in the same boat, madam. See? The professor is quite sane, don’t you suppose?

  4. 11 Susan P January 27, 2016 at 03:20

    If I weren’t so sleepy I would say something funny. It would have somethng on it like, On a scale of….

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:31

      *laughs* Imagine reading this right before bed. That was brave of you, madam.

      • 13 Susan P January 27, 2016 at 14:06


      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:30

        How many nightmares did you have? How many? How many?

  5. 15 Simply Skeptical January 27, 2016 at 00:39

    I’m always concerned when I follow that professorish logic. I actually feel bad for the ant because he is indeed “something”. Scales can be downright hurtful.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:28

      *Laughs* Don’t be too concerned. After all, I am logically logical.

  6. 17 John W. Howell January 26, 2016 at 23:17

    I don’t know why but the logic of this made sense to me. I think I need a vacation.

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:27

      *nods* Worry not, my man. It make sense to me, too, and we know i’m not insane.

      • 19 John W. Howell January 27, 2016 at 14:26

        Makes me feel better.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:32

        That’s the spirit and way. Onwards!

  7. 21 desertdweller29 January 26, 2016 at 18:56

    No way! Bond would kick Damon’s butt any day, even if he is part Martian.

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:50

      *mouth drops* You’re…supposed to be American!! Bourne is like…the best ever!!

      • 23 desertdweller29 January 26, 2016 at 22:12

        Haha! I forgot about Bourne! I never watched those movies, you know. So Superman or Batman? I heard there’s a movie out where they battle for the Most Awesome Award which really is a silly award.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:25

        Well…you know, I might battle for such an award. Do you think I could win? And always Batman over Superman, you know.

      • 25 walt walker January 27, 2016 at 00:33

        What?! What, I say?! Damon looks about 12 years old, even now that he is 40-something-ish. How can you suggest that any one of the many James Bonds might not be able to defeat him? I am aghast. Aghast I say!! They were so much more…warrior-like. And they had better gadgets.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:28

        Better gadgets, yes…but the ladies killed them off dead! I mean, look, here’s proof. How many Bonds have there been? They keep dying, see. Only one Bourne. #Wins

  8. 27 Debbie January 26, 2016 at 18:31

    Professor, I never thought about scales being mean! Do you think they know that when somebody steps on them? I’d probably be mean, too, if somebody stepped on me!!

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:50

      See? That’s the thing. We step on them and they hike the numbers up. We should take revenge.

  9. 29 walt walker January 26, 2016 at 17:57

    I always thought rec was short for destroy. I guess I’d never seen it spelled.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:49

      *laughing* Ooo, good point. I bet you like to rec, don’t you?

  10. 31 Amanda Lyle January 26, 2016 at 15:34

    Aaaaa James *the mind wanders*

    Where did I get to? Ah yes. The scales aren’t my friend either. I kicked them out years ago!

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:46

      *laughing* What? You mean James over Jason? I thought everyone liked Jason Bond…

  11. 33 Heartafire January 26, 2016 at 15:06

    Scales are very unfair to the weight obsessed, believe me , I know. I must disagree, I believe James would come out on top if confronted by Jason, brains over brawn, a fact. Sigh, I love James. Did I say that out loud?

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:45

      No, no, you didn’t. You said, “I love Jason.” See, because Jason is a bad thing. Bad things always win, see.

      • 35 Heartafire January 27, 2016 at 00:55

        Jason rocks!

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:28

        He can dance too, you know.

      • 37 Heartafire January 27, 2016 at 14:46

        and sing! He’s a man for all occasions. I do love the Bourne series, it’s ever so good.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:37

        It’s so exciting! But the women he gets are rather weird, you know.

      • 39 Heartafire January 27, 2016 at 20:40

        Who can account for taste? The heart wants what the heart wants…looking philosophical now.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:44

        That’s very philosophical. The professor is heartless, remember.

      • 41 Heartafire January 27, 2016 at 20:45

        Somehow I knew you wouldn’t get the heart thing. haha!

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 13:58

        Does that mean I win?

      • 43 Heartafire January 28, 2016 at 15:08

        I’ll let you have this one.:)

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:08

        *celebrates a bit*

  12. 45 FictionFan January 26, 2016 at 14:55

    Yeah, an ant might weigh nothing on a human scale but just think how heavy a human would be on an ant scale! It would be worse than looking in the mirror and discovering you were Mr Wilfork!

    *gasps in outraged outragementness* Lizio does not weigh 334 – not kilos, not lbs!!! But I wish she did, so when she was dancing with you she could tramp on your toes, Mr Rude!!! *stamps on the Professor’s toes*

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:44

      *laughs* What an intriguing thingy right there. Do you suppose a human could even stand on an ant scale? It might get stuck in the foot. Like a splinter, see.

      I’m not going to dance with Lizio! That’s gross. Have you seen the new trailers for P&P and zombies? That Lizio is something, I must say. Still, not too cool, tho.

      • 47 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 01:12

        We probably stand on them all the time – that’s probably why ants spend so much time laughing…

        Huh, you know you’d love to! You’re just trying to hide your feelings for her… *laughs lots and lots* Just watched the trailers – I have to admit it looks great! I think I may have to go see it…!!!

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:30

        Ants are laughing all the time? Hahaha…I like that actually.

        For Lizio? Nah. You think I like every woman! It’s just not so. I’m in love with the sea, see. *laughing lots and lots* Seriously? What’d you think of Darby? And this time, you have to take me!!

      • 49 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 16:50

        That’s ‘cos you do, Mr Flirty! I bet if you went to sea you’d flirt with the mermaids! Yes! It looks kinda funny and scary at the same time – and Charles Dance is in it! I only got a glimpse of Darby – he looks awfully young… I’d love to! Wouldn’t it be fun??

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:39

        I hate mermaids worse than…toads and worms!!

        He does look really young! I think it’s just his face. He must be older. That’d be the best fun ever!! I think you’d end up not liking the movie… I’d be laughing too.

      • 51 FictionFan January 28, 2016 at 00:01

        That’s just ‘cos you haven’t heard them sing yet…

        Even if I didn’t like it exactly, I think it’d still be fun to watch – and quicker than reading the book! But it’d definitely be so much more fun if we watched it together! But no stealing my popcorn, mind! *fierce face*

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:03


        It’d be the best thing ever to do that!! You must invite me. You know, I don’t actually have any popcorn, usually.

      • 53 FictionFan January 28, 2016 at 20:38

        Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! *sententious face* Has it ever occurred to you that they probably think your’e ugly…? (One of my favourite Star Trek lines – a race of microscopic aliens who referred to humanity as ‘ugly bags of mostly water*…)

        No popcorn?! But that’s the main reason to go to the cinema! OK, pick me up at 7.30, then – we don’t want to miss the trailers…

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:13

        I hope they think I’m ugly! Then they won’t sing to me, I’m thinking. Plus, I’m an orc, after all. (I think I’ve seen that one! Maybe. It sounds familiar…)

        I know…what can I say? I just usually lean back and whatnot. Deal! I love watching the trailers.

      • 55 FictionFan January 29, 2016 at 17:41

        They’d probably sing anyway just to be wicked – they’re like that. (You should watch them all! Then all of Star Tek Voyager…)

        See, being a woman I can multitask – lean back AND eat popcorn! *proud face*

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 21:03

        The beasts! I’ll hold my ears anyway. Just to be spiteful. (Hmm…only if you watch all the Fast and Furious, haha.)

        *laughing lots* Yeah, I must admit, one distracts me from another.

  13. 57 Hazy January 26, 2016 at 14:00

    I usually use the scale to weigh my luggage, make sure I won’t go beyond baggage allowance. That’s Mr. Bourne, isn’t it? It seems he’s leaning on a wall that isn’t too important like the one at the Gap store, as there isn’t a security person telling him off… or perhaps the security person is terrified of him.

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:42

      Yeah, that’s what I use scales for. So, once, I had to unpack my suitcase, ’cause it was over the weight limit. Nearly missed my flight. Suitably cranky after that. Haha! Good point. Bet they wouldn’t push him off, would they?

      • 59 Hazy January 29, 2016 at 12:27

        Lucky flight wasn’t missed. I wonder what Bourne would do if they attempted to push him. Hmm.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:15

        Probably kill them all dead, I bet!

  14. 61 PorterGirl January 26, 2016 at 13:42

    I shall of course over-look the glaringly inaccurate comments regarding Mr Bond and that other, spindly-looking fellow whose name I cannot quite recall… where was I? Oh yes! I love that carpet. Blue is my favourite.

    • 62 Professor VJ Duke January 26, 2016 at 21:41

      *laughs* That’s like Jason Bourne, I”ll have you know! More mighty than…500 worms–put together! Yes, the blue carpet is something. Bet you didn’t know cabbage looked like that.

      • 63 PorterGirl January 27, 2016 at 05:15

        Haha yes, I know it is he – I recognised his squashy little face! I do try to avoid cannage where possible. Except red cabbage, of course. Although I could be interested in blue cabbage.

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 13:31

        Squashy little face?! Why…goodness! How rude and crude of you, the sudden. Blue cabbage is attractive for some reason.

      • 65 PorterGirl January 27, 2016 at 14:39

        *laughing lots* I have turned into Mr R! Very well, Mr Bourne is as lovely as the day is long – is that better? I think many blue things are rather attractive!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:35

        That is much better! But…but…I see what you did there! The day isn’t that long, is it?

      • 67 PorterGirl January 27, 2016 at 21:23

        I suppose that all depends on when one starts and finishes it *laughs*

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:00

        *professorish eye* That’s a good point, tho.

      • 69 PorterGirl January 28, 2016 at 14:40

        Eek! Not the eye!!! *hides*

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:02

        I’ve been practicing it, too. It’s rather scary, I think.

      • 71 PorterGirl January 29, 2016 at 15:03

        I can tell, it is at least twice as scary as the last time I saw it.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:47

        I even have nightmares about it, haha.

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