Katanas are for Fighting

The past manifests itself in the future; the present manifests itself in the past; the future minds its own business.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledThis professor was holding the katana.

In my hand, mind you. I didn’t grip it with both hands, just because. It’s less fantastic if you grip a sword with both hands, see.

“Put that sword back on the bed–now.”


The Robots said it in unison. They were vexing beasts.

Now it was decision time.

Listen to the Robots, or not listen to the Robots.

It was that simple.

Of course the professor decided not to listen.

When I gripped that katana, I felt like a warrior of old, fighting once again on that Trojan beach, defending the city from the Greek horde–all for the sake of a woman. That part still didn’t make sense to this professor, all these years later.

This is something like a Trojan warrior. I was holding a katana, tho.

This is something like a Trojan warrior, without the katana.

Anyways and some, I was holding the katana, and I decided to use it.

Phooey to it being a decorative piece. I bet it could fight rather smartly.

“Drop it now,” the Robots ordered again, emotion devoid from their voices.

“Now,” I said, “you shall see the katana for the last time!”

No judging. It was the best closing line I could think of at the time.

The professor swung the katana towards the first Robot’s head.

An arc that beautiful was bound to decapitate most things–giant worms included.

But it wasn’t to be. The Robot swung around faster than I thought possible, dodging that lovely, beautiful arc.

I kinda tumbled past it, but this professor regained his footing in a half of a halved second.

The other Robot saw me miss and stuck out an arm, but I’d recovered by that time.

In other words, his arm moved too slow, see.

I loped it off.

The arm hit the floor with a thunk.

Look how complicated these bad boys are.

Look how complicated these bad boys are.

The Robot didn’t say anything. I don’t think the fellow could feel pain.

But that stroke did knock him off balance, and this professor acted on that.

Another one of those Trojan arcs came a humming through the air. This time, it took the Robot’s head straight off.

One down.

Score: Professor, 1 Robots, Nuttin’

I spun to engage the second Robot, but he was quicker than a hopping bunny.

Do not be fooled. Hopping bunnies are vicious creatures, capable of much.

Do not be fooled. Hopping bunnies are vicious creatures, capable of much.

And the Robot seemed crankier, too. (Probably mad I killed his Robot bro.)

The professor swung at its head, but it caught my arm, at the wrist, mind you. And with its other arm (the Robots arms were horridly strong, too) it picked me off the floor by my neck.

“You shouldn’t steal what isn’t yours,” it said.

No emotion whatsoever.

Now, at this point, the professor was suitably rather over. See, both arms were sorta out of the fight.

One thing left to do.


Warriors always spit. If they win or lose, doesn’t matter, a spit is always coming.

I spat.

It landed right in the Robot’s eyes.

It dropped me, and I rammed the katana right through its middle. (Picturing Achilles all the way, don’t you know.)

The Robot collapsed; the professor had won.

End Score: Professor, 2 Robots, Double-Nuttin’

But there were two problems:

(1) I felt a warm, sticky liquid rolling down my side. I’d reopened my gun wound.

(2) The Katana was stuck in the Robot’s middle.

Oh, double-dadblameit!

PL Symbol


90 Responses to “Katanas are for Fighting”

  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich January 29, 2016 at 16:55

    Go professor! Well done defeating those robots! And your comment about Troy made me laugh. I think it’s good to fight over a woman because it’s romantic. And it’s better than fighting over wealth or, say, an ant.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:58

      I know! Thank you, Sonya. I felt spicy, haha. ‘Cause you know it’s true! Hector wouldn’t throw her out of the city, I suggested it, you know. Because I’m a beast. But isn’t romance bad?

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich January 31, 2016 at 17:39

        Romance isn’t always bad. It’s bad when it’s Twilight or some such thing, but think how much more motivated and ferocious your warriors are when they fight for someone they love. I see your friend Hector was a bit of a romantic too.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:56

        Yes, he was. *sigh* That’s probably why he died. Of course the professor is unromantic, tho.

      • 5 Sonya Solomonovich January 31, 2016 at 17:53

        I also say this because I happen to be writing some romance novels under a fake name. Mwahaha!

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:56

        No way! Cool. What name, if I may know?

      • 7 Sonya Solomonovich February 9, 2016 at 21:41

        I will email you with the name, as it is top secret :)

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:47

        Cool! Make sure to use this: thepunchylands@gmail.com. My email changed see.

  2. 9 Heartafire January 27, 2016 at 20:53

    today’s quote is superb. You are a fearsome sight in your warrior outfit. Heal, professor,get out the Vaporub. I already told you about Godzilla, bunnies are mean and sometimes gigantic. I never bought the story of Troy, all those warriors climbing into a wooden horse, what was in it for them?

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 13:59

      Am I fearsome? *doubly proud* I’ll try to fix that wound. Goodness, I’m mad at the thing, bleeding like that. Not much was in it for them, the poor things.

      • 11 Heartafire January 28, 2016 at 15:05

        You are fearsome! I don’t care what the others say! That Troy thing, was that before air-conditioning?

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:07

        Way before. The only way to cool down was jumping in their fountains back in the city. They didn’t like that, can you believe. I always got fetched out.

      • 13 Heartafire January 29, 2016 at 16:21

        haha! cool image! We had to go cool off at the beach…woe is us.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:53

        Well the beach is cool, too, don’t you know.

      • 15 Heartafire January 30, 2016 at 20:56

        laughs ! yes, I do.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 21:08

        And hot. It likes to burn people.

      • 17 Heartafire January 30, 2016 at 21:12

        Oh, tell me about it! Filthy beach.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:37

        Filthy beaches must have coal on them somewhere.

      • 19 Heartafire February 1, 2016 at 14:53

        That’s where Krampus gets his “gifts”

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:57

        Ah, he likes the beach. Let’s ambush him there.

      • 21 Heartafire February 1, 2016 at 17:22

        I’m right behind you.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:17

        *a few gulps*

      • 23 Heartafire February 2, 2016 at 15:06

        I would need a few gulps too…of tequila!

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:46

        *laughs* Oh no. that’s been outlawed.

      • 25 Heartafire February 3, 2016 at 14:01

        I won’t be trailing along then. :)

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:17

        We’ll smuggle along some!

      • 27 Heartafire February 3, 2016 at 22:05

        Please do, a bit of triple sec is nice too.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:10

        I think you might be right there.

  3. 29 John W. Howell January 27, 2016 at 20:31

    Do you carry a spare screwdriver? Probably not. Just put your foot on the robots chest and pull the katana out and get ready. I hear a noise behind you.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:43

      Okay, I”ll give it my best shot. Sadly, I never carry my handyman bag anymore. It got a hole in the bottom, see. More robots or a ghost?

  4. 31 Simply Skeptical January 27, 2016 at 19:55

    I cannot recall a time when I ever read such a battle scene. Hands off to you Prof. (no pun intended). Now for the other 2 dilemmas: I believe spit is called for again – lubricant to release the katana from Robbie’s gut and to clean that warm sticky stuff rolling down…

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:42

      I’m getting all dizzy, tho, see. So I see two katanas at a time. Plus a third every so often. Maybe I’ll just take a rest on the bed…how’s that?

  5. 33 desertdweller29 January 27, 2016 at 19:44

    Secretly I think you wanted to re-injure that o’l gunshot wound. Nothing attracts the ladies like wounds and hounds.

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:42

      Haha. But it’s sorta over-bleeding now. Can you tell it to stop? It’s so vexing. I’m such a killer, too, notice.

      • 35 desertdweller29 January 27, 2016 at 20:51

        Hah! I DO notice, Professor. Yes, I do. You are a very brave professor, indeed.

        (I’d make some Force Awakens references here but since you stubbornly refuse to see it, it will have no meaning to you. Suffice it to say, Chewy find himself in a similar predicament when his gun wounds need attention from a kindly nurse…) I shall buy you tickets at once, dadblamit! That took too much ‘plaining time!

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 13:58

        *smiles proudly*

        Wait…Chewy gets a girlfriend?!

      • 37 desertdweller29 January 28, 2016 at 15:10

        Naw, he’s a han solo. Just a huge flirt. Hmmm… me thinks I see some similarities, sir. Haha!

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:08

        The professor doesn’t flirt!

      • 39 desertdweller29 January 29, 2016 at 15:07

        Thou does protest too much…

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:47

        Professors do that sort of thing, you know.

  6. 41 walt walker January 27, 2016 at 18:21

    I say, I get confused when you grip the katana and feel like a warrior of Troy. I thought they used…other kinds. Of swords. Did you fight with a katana back in the day? With Hector?

    • 42 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:41

      Hmm. That’s a good point. But, yes, I did use a katana. Cause I came with one, see. They were all jealous. And all the soldiers were impressed. I wish I had the boomerang then, too.

  7. 43 Jackie January 27, 2016 at 17:08

    All bunnies hop – it’s the way they get around. Bunnies are not dangerous unless you are vegetation.

    • 44 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:41

      Aha! See, bunnies attack the helpless vegetation. This is wrong.

      • 45 Jackie January 27, 2016 at 22:03

        Yes, well, it’s a cycle of life thing. Nature can be both brutal and beautiful.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:00

        The professor is of nature, the sudden.

      • 47 Jackie January 28, 2016 at 14:17

        We are all of nature.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 13:58

        Except the professor. I’m of space!

      • 49 Jackie January 29, 2016 at 14:46

        Oh I see. So you are of nature AND space?

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:46

        Oh no no no, just space!

  8. 51 Debbie January 27, 2016 at 15:33

    Professor, you had me with the hopping bunny — isn’t it the cutest little thing, with those chubby cheeks?!?

    Battle well fought, good sir! Now you need to grab a pillow or something to staunch the bleeding wound, extricate the katana from that robot’s midsection, and FLY outta there!

    • 52 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:38

      *laughs* But beware! Bunnies are capable warriors, you know. Those two teeth in the front can hammer through a heart! Beware, I say.

      I know! This is ever so awesome. The side is hurting, tho. Imagine being shot at a time like this!

  9. 53 PorterGirl January 27, 2016 at 14:44

    What a romantic-sounding battle scene, certainly worthy of Homer or Virgil. I am most impressed by your prowess, dear Professor. The Greeks and Trojans were always fighting over ladies, the fools. The British fight over… well, it’s more of a sort of hobby, really. Good job you weren’t wearing sandals, I say. Hurrah!

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:36

      Virgil? Goodness. Was that a girl or a guy? Sounds girlish, you know. I’m sad for him, the sudden. Well, I had to use the katana. But see, it’s stuck now. What do I do? Goodness.

      *laughing lots* A hobby! Now how cool is that?

      • 55 PorterGirl January 27, 2016 at 21:25

        Virgil was certainly a chap. Actually that is quite a good name for a cat, I think. You must make the katana yours, of course! You weild it so finely.
        There are worse hobbies, certainly. Like worm collecting.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:00

        Worm collecting was fun! But yeah, I must take the katana for my own. But then again…maybe i should give it back?

      • 57 PorterGirl January 28, 2016 at 14:40

        Nah – don’t give it back! it is rightfully yours. Well, maybe not rightfully – but what’s that got to do with it?

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:02

        The professor is a thieve-r now…what’s that mean for me? It’s a thing, for sure. But would Hector do it? *considers*

      • 59 PorterGirl January 29, 2016 at 15:04

        It is a conundrum, certainly. Hector would take it, for sure. But them again he was heroically beastly.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:47

        That’s a good point. Too bad he didn’t use that power on Achilles. *depressed*

      • 61 PorterGirl January 31, 2016 at 09:30

        I think he just felt sorry for Achilles, really.
        Cheer up! Everything will work out just super, you’ll see!

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:43

        But it can’t work out! Hector is dead. Unless I go back and try to save him. I blame myself for his death, you know.

      • 63 PorterGirl February 1, 2016 at 14:57

        You must not blame yourself – it was fate, I think. Although a cruel fate. If only Hector had survived and Achilles perished! The world would be a different place. Let’s build a time machine and rescue him, I say.

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:58

        That’s a thing to do. In TPL I shall do it. See, I tossed him a sword. The toss was bad. And that’s when…

      • 65 PorterGirl February 1, 2016 at 15:07

        Oh oh but now I need to know the rest..! Little beast you are. Teehee!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:15

        I was the cause of it, see!!

      • 67 PorterGirl February 2, 2016 at 14:21

        Tis always the way – you are the cause of many things, Professor. That is why you are so interesting.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:44

        The cause of many dadblameries, that is. That’s it.

  10. 69 L. Marie January 27, 2016 at 14:34

    At last you used the katana! At last you defeated the robots! Now find a window or something to leap out of! But try to grab something else of value to sell before you leap. Warriors gotta eat, y’know.

    • 70 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 14:38

      Wait just one minute! He can’t go escaping yet! Not till he rescues my Schwarzy…

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:34

        Umm. Schwarz is having a time of it downstairs, remember…

    • 72 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:34

      I was thinking how you would’ve hollered at me if I didn’t use it! But look now, the thing is stuck in the robot! What shall I do? *panics*

  11. 73 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 13:45

    Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! *swoons so much medicinal chocolate has to be administered intravenously* My hero!!! A thrilling battle, worthy of your prowess as a great warrior! (Except for the whining about the little gunshot wound – I thought we’d discussed that already?) Just one little thing I feel I should mention, in a spirit of helpfulness. There are FOUR robots in the picture. Piece of advice – look behind you!!!

    And you did it all without even wearing a skirt!! *prouder than proud*

    • 74 Professor VJ Duke January 27, 2016 at 20:30

      Intravenously!! *laughing* That’s hilarious. *smiles all proudly proud and maybe blushes, but it’s a black, manly blush* (But that little wound kinda turned my whole side red! What about that, hmm?) I know, the pic isn’t a great representation. See, for one thing, the robots were wearing suits and hats, and maybe glasses. Those ones in the picture are a bit naked. Am I mighty?

      I’ve never worn a skirt!!

      • 75 FictionFan January 27, 2016 at 23:54

        *swoons again at the manly blush* You should be proud! But you’ll be even prouder, and so will I, once you’ve RESCUED MY SCHWARZY!! And Bud, of course, if you’ve time… (Well, but you’re always saying you like red!) Phew! *relieved face* So there’s absolutely no chance that a whole horde of robots might be making their way silently along the corridor to the room then… You are mightier than William Wallace and Popeye combined! Jason Bourne should be taking lessons from you, sir!


      • 76 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2016 at 14:02

        But I’m sure he doesn’t need rescuing! Why, he’s a ferocious beast, that Schwarz–you know he is. (Yes…but not my own blood! Goodness.) Nah, probably not, I know you’re disappointed. But, I might die if that happened. As it is, I must take care of this wound, the sudden, see. And Popeye! I love Popeye. JB! I’m so proud now…

      • 77 FictionFan January 28, 2016 at 20:33

        Yes, but even ferocious beasts need a bit of assistance when they’ve been stretched!! (Goodness! Did John McClane make all this fuss about a little bit of blood?!?) *nods* Disappointed not to see how heroically you would have despatched them! Oh, good noodles! Look, here’ a sticking plaster! Now get on with it! And don’t forget to eat your spinach…

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:11

        He’s just feeling a bit…spacious, I don’t wonder.

        Now, now! None of that. JM died about 124 times in his movie. He must have lots of lives, see. Plus, BW is just plain cool. One of the best heroes, ever!!

        Sticking plaster? Can you make things with that?

      • 79 FictionFan January 29, 2016 at 17:35

        *laughs and then remembers it’s Schwarzy and growls instead*

        He definitely is! And did he ever let a little wound stop him? No!!

        *laughs* Don’t you call it sticking plaster then? Hmm… Elastoplast? BandAid?

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 21:02

        See? It was funny. *wins*

        Well, the professor is more of an anti-hero, wouldn’t you say?

        BandAid!!!! That’s it. What funny names you give things. I was actually imagining wet plaster…

      • 81 FictionFan January 31, 2016 at 15:17

        *sticks out tongue*

        Hmm… sometimes, perhaps. But do anti-heroes whine?

        *laughs and throws wet plaster at the Prof*

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:53

        The professor doesn’t wine! Just makes notes about his-self. I don’t whine. Course not.

        I was thinking I had to bring you fellows some bandaids. Goodness.

      • 83 FictionFan February 1, 2016 at 17:46

        *raises quizzical eyebrow*

        *raises other quizzical eyebrow*

        Hmm… now I just look astonished…

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:19

        That’s too many eyebrows there. I think you’ve run out.

      • 85 FictionFan February 2, 2016 at 19:01

        I’ll just borrow yours then – or Denis Healey’s…

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:53

        Just googled him… Oh my! Now that is something.

      • 87 FictionFan February 3, 2016 at 18:02

        *laughs* Good, aren’t they? More like pets than eyebrows really…

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:26

        I suppose it was intimidation thingy. That’s why he kept them around.

      • 89 FictionFan February 4, 2016 at 16:18

        That, plus the comedy value!

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 15:03

        I like him the sudden for it!

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