Things Aren’t Good When They’re Halved

When something is stuck, it sometimes comes back in two pieces, proving that more of one thing is not always better.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

Untitled

The katana was stuck like this:

20678652-Tanto-knife-stuck-in-ground-Stock-Photo

Only it was stuck in the middle of the dead Robot chap, and it was a katana.

Oh giggling crap.

My whole shirt was turning red, on the one side, but I minded not. (It was sorta a neat feeling if you think about things that way.)

This professor grabbed the hilt of the katana, put my boot (sounds better than foot) on the Robot’s mid-section, and pulled with the strength of a hungry water buffalo.

What a handsome thingy.

What a handsome thingy.

Things went south in a hurry. You know, even souther than south.

The katana…split. Or cracked rather. Right in two.

I stood there for a second, not believing it, in truth.

This professor had just cracked the Jeweled Katana in half.

Well, technically, the Robots did.

But I sorta helped them out.

Then it came rushing back to me:

What was I doing? See, I’d stolen this sword originally from Prince Beef to save it from being used as bargaining power for Fats Henry to steal the Diamond of Drake. So, my thieving was actually a good deed. But somewhere along the line, things had gone wrong. I started focusing on wanting the katana just to want it. And now, I’d busted it up.

Phooey-fat-phooey. I was vexed.

This professor grabbed a quilt lying on the bed, wrapped it around my hand, and pulled out the piece of the katana that was still stuck in the Robot.

It was clear. I had to fix this sword.

And give it back to Prince Beef.

See, I’d acted wrongly trying to be rightly right. But acting wrongly is always acting wrongly, no matter what.

And that just dawned on me.

Now, by this time, my wound was pounding pounding pounding pounding. It was affecting this professor’s balance.

I sat on the side of the bed.

Things were spinning, see.

Spinning. These colors were going on, too.

Spinning. These colors were going on, too.

“Bud.”

It jolted me.

Bud Parker stood in the doorway.

“Bud!” he said again, cranky this time. “You broke it!”

His face was the face of a shocked mammal.

Shocked Mammal.

Shocked Mammal.

“We have to get it fixed and give it back, Parker,” I said. “Back to Prince Beef.”

Parker was aghast. “Bud! You said you were going to help Schwarz and I get it! It’s not going back to Prince Beef, bud.” Then he added, slightly amused, “Doesn’t look like you can stop me from doing what I want either.”

And he approached for the sword, which was laying at my feet. Well, one piece was. The other piece was on the bed.

He got close, real close, then I smacked him hard in the neck.

Parker collapsed, gurgled for a second, then didn’t move.

He’d feel that later, but he was fine.

This professor grabbed the katanas (it’s like there was two, see) and wrapped them in a quilt, and stuck the bundle in a backpack that was under the bed.

Time to move. Get it fixed, resmoldered, remelded, resmithed, rewhatever, then back to Prince Beef it would go.

292165_ts

I exited the room and climbed down the stairs. Things were still dizzy, I’m sad to report, and my side felt like a bull had rampaged it.

This was not good, I should’ve taken care of it.

In the entrance, I found Schwarz Tauptinker sitting on the red couch. Just lying there. Sorta immobilized, it seemed.

Red couch.

Red couch.

No wonder he wasn’t with Parker.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey, you good?”

“Yeah, you?”

Filthy questions. We both weren’t good, and we both knew it.

“They stretched me good, you know,” Schwarz said. “Can’t feel my legs.” Higher pitched: “Can’t feel them, chickit!” Pause: “Is Parker coming back soon? He went to get the sword, oh yeah.” (The ‘oh yeah’ was sorta up two octaves, or three.)

“Where’s Fats Henry?” That was a thing to know, for sure. 

“He banged his head on the wall after the stretching match ended. Where’s my sword, you know what I mean?” Then he screamed, “Can’t wait here forever for you, Parker! Do it, just do it! Where is it? Do it!!!

He was getting loud. Time to double-go. (Much faster than just going.)

And this professor stumbled out of the front door.

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85 Responses to “Things Aren’t Good When They’re Halved”


  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich February 9, 2016 at 21:39

    Haha love the shocked mammal!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:47

      Haha. I think I’ve looked like that before, you know.

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich February 10, 2016 at 18:37

        I wish I could have witnessed that!

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke February 11, 2016 at 14:42

        Oh no, you would’ve screamed!

      • 5 Sonya Solomonovich February 15, 2016 at 14:46

        I would not. Does a shocked mammal make some sort of horrifying sound?

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke February 15, 2016 at 15:24

        Oh no, it’s just I’m scary looking. *proud*

  2. 7 bardictale January 31, 2016 at 16:32

    Maybe Prince Beef has a smithy. If so, then all’s well. Good luck!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:54

      Oh no. I can’t bring it back to him broken!

      • 9 bardictale February 1, 2016 at 16:37

        Then…sneak it by him, and go to the smithy!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:17

        Do you know a smithy?

      • 11 bardictale February 2, 2016 at 14:23

        Hmm. Kind of. I think there’s one here.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:44

        I’m coming over, then, if you don’t mind.

      • 13 bardictale February 3, 2016 at 15:51

        I do not. Tea and cookies will be waiting~^

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:22

        Oh, that sounds very good.

  3. 15 HotBottoms January 31, 2016 at 13:33

    You had me at “Giggling Crap”.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:48

      Isn’t that something? I say, you should use it about now.

  4. 17 Heartafire January 29, 2016 at 16:33

    Here’a splendid out for you…I have put in a word for you with my personal japanese swordsmith Korehira Watan. Let him make a duplicate for you , get two, one for you and for Prince Beef. Well, get up…go! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2BLg756_4M. No need to thank me.

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:54

      Wow!!! Thanks bunches. Do you think he’ll sell me a sword? *mouth waters*

      • 19 Heartafire January 30, 2016 at 20:57

        Yes, for a fee.

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 21:08

        Can we split it?

      • 21 Heartafire January 30, 2016 at 21:13

        If we can split the time spent with the Katana…are you game?

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:37

        Oh rats. Is that a must?

      • 23 Heartafire February 1, 2016 at 14:53

        I will go 75-25 but I get to choose the season in which I take possession.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:57

        Which is when?

      • 25 Heartafire February 1, 2016 at 17:23

        In the winter, all those tourists and vaguely familiar relatives dropping in.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:17

        *laughs* I need spring, the sudden.

      • 27 Heartafire February 2, 2016 at 15:06

        That should work.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:46

        And some moons.

      • 29 Heartafire February 3, 2016 at 14:28

        need moons for our clandestine activities

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:18

        Yes, so we can see.

      • 31 Heartafire February 3, 2016 at 22:06

        by jove, you’ ve got it!

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:11

        *smiles like the professor guy from My Fair Lady*

      • 33 Heartafire February 4, 2016 at 14:16

        looking smug…proud of our accomplishment here!

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 14:52

        *laughs* Me too!

  5. 35 erinkenobi2893 January 29, 2016 at 13:50

    Oh dear! This looks rather like a good deal of trouble!

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:16

      I know. Hey, Erin, do you know anyone that can fix a sword?

      • 37 erinkenobi2893 January 29, 2016 at 15:06

        I know a good chappie. He’s called Boar the Fighter and he lives at Salamandastron in Mossflower Country. Shall I see if he’d be willing to assist? :-P

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:47

        Yes, please do. Is he peaceable?

      • 39 erinkenobi2893 January 31, 2016 at 05:30

        If you aren’t going to attack any innocent woodlanders, yes. :-)

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:43

        I would only do that if they stole from me, of course.

      • 41 erinkenobi2893 February 1, 2016 at 21:24

        I don’t think they would.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:20

        Well, then…capital!

      • 43 erinkenobi2893 February 2, 2016 at 21:38

        I shall contact him at once!

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:54

        Erin, thanks bunches!

      • 45 erinkenobi2893 February 3, 2016 at 22:29

        You’re welcome :-)

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:12

        *bows*

      • 47 erinkenobi2893 February 4, 2016 at 14:20

        ;-D

  6. 48 Simply Skeptical January 29, 2016 at 00:41

    Okay. I feel like that reeling picture. Go to the Punchy Hospital (there is one I hope) and don’t stop or your a dead man’s chest.

    • 49 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:15

      Haha. I sorta kinda like that, tho…

  7. 50 John W. Howell January 28, 2016 at 23:58

    You need to find a blood donor fast. Go to the train station and set up a sign “Blood Donor Needed No Experience Necessary.”

    • 51 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:15

      But what if I get the wrong blood?

      • 52 John W. Howell January 29, 2016 at 20:00

        Have to ask plenty of questions. The first is, “What’s your blood type?”

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 21:05

        I forget that one.

      • 54 John W. Howell January 30, 2016 at 21:30

        Whoops. Might be a short story then

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:42

        Or I could make something spicy up.

      • 56 John W. Howell February 1, 2016 at 21:52

        I would try that.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:20

        Okay, here goes…

  8. 58 Debbie January 28, 2016 at 21:55

    That water buffalo looks like he’s wearing somebody’s BIG mustache! And wait, do robots really die? I mean, they’re not alive, you know, so how can they die??

    I fear the jeweled katana’s a goner, Professor. Two halves don’t necessarily make for a desirable whole. Maybe somebody can put it back together, but it probably won’t work the way it’s supposed to. Not to worry, sir — just get out of there, take the weapon back where it belongs, and get that sticky wound of yours tended to!

    • 59 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:14

      Well, if you cut off circuits and whatnot they can die. You know, like when Mr. Incredible killed that robot thingy. He killed it dead, remember.

      Oh dear. Such negative ways, Debbie! I have to find someone who can maybe fix it? Maybe?

  9. 60 L. Marie January 28, 2016 at 16:21

    Wow. You’re stabbing robots and smacking people. Sounds like someone has taken his steroids. What will you do next??? (Though I was kinda hoping you’d leap out of a window.)

    • 61 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:09

      *laughs* Oh, the professor doesn’t take those things. Many promises. I’m not sure…what do I do about the sword being broken? *dies*

  10. 62 desertdweller29 January 28, 2016 at 16:00

    I have a filthy question… How does one lay on a round sofa? Was it all that stretching Schwarz did beforehand?

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:09

      Well, I think he was lying half on half off. You know, legs on the ground. That sorta thing.

  11. 64 PorterGirl January 28, 2016 at 14:46

    ‘Giggling crap’ is my new favourite phrase. I’m going to teach it to my Mum, if you don’t mind.
    Now – what a pickle this is! Blood everywhere, injured chaps left, right and centre… and the katana is broken in two! Nah. It will never be the same again, you know. I bet Prince Beef won’t even want it now.
    Also – that buffalo is a fine fellow. His horns are just the type I am after. I think I might steal one.

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:03

      Aha, I should’ve known you’d like that. Yes, definitely! I wonder if she’ll like it?

      Never be the same again?! Come on, Lucy, where are your positive ways? So negative! I have to be able to fix it, otherwise…I’m in great trouble, don’t you know. Do you suppose PB forgot about it?

      You might want to ask first…

      • 66 PorterGirl January 29, 2016 at 15:07

        Oh she will love it. She won’t know what it means, but she will love it.
        When such things get broken they have a weak spot forever more, you know. But if anyone can find a way, it is certainly you, Professor! And you are always in great trouble, so no change there teehee!
        I shall ask once. Quietly.

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 20:49

        *laughing* I’m not sure what it means either, the sudden.

        Hahaha. You have many good points in that thingy there. Well, I just have to find a way to trick PB into believing nothing happened!

      • 68 PorterGirl January 31, 2016 at 09:30

        You can convince him I am sure of it! He is not very bright, after all.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:44

        Haha! He’s really not. Too into himself, as well.

  12. 70 FictionFan January 28, 2016 at 14:29

    (This is why you should wear purple shirts – the blood won’t show up as much.)

    *gasps* You broke it! You villain! But more importantly, you abandoned my Schwarzy again!! You vicious villain!! And don’t give me that old ‘but I was bleeding’ excuse again – poor Schwarzy has been spaghettified!! How long is he now anyway? Still, it’s one way of getting thin in a hurry, I suppose… Will I ever be able to forgive you for going off and leaving him there? I wonder… *glares*

    The water buffalo’s wig is so cool! Did you lend it to him?

    • 71 Professor VJ Duke January 29, 2016 at 14:00

      But I”ll still be bleeding, so it won’t fix a thing! I think you want the poor, defenseless, dull professor to die!

      I did break it… Help me! What should I do? What can I do? I’m doomed. I’m lost. I must get it fixed–if that’s possible. Schwarz is fine! Look how you worry about him. He was relaxing on the couch when I was leaving. And it’s not like I could carry him! Besides, did you see what I did to Parker?

      *laughing* He’s got a wig? Does not!

      • 72 FictionFan January 29, 2016 at 17:33

        Oh you won’t die! All great heroes have fantastic powers of recovery! And the Professor is as dull as the sparkling Arctic snow, glittering under the lights of the glorious aurora borealis!

        You should take it to Rivendell, quick! Arwen’s other Dad will be able to forge it anew, and might quite possibly decide you should be the true King of Gondor after all! And then you and Aragorn could fight a duel over it… *swoons*

        He was not relaxing!!! He couldn’t walk, poor little lambikins! Why couldn’t you have carried him? Huh? What’s the point of the bicep work if it doesn’t give you superhuman strength??? I did! Very impressive! And he kinda deserved it…

        Does too! With lovely curls at the end too – must take him ages in the morning…

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke January 30, 2016 at 21:00

        *laughing lots* Okay, that description is very flattering. And fancy! I like it. *puts it on bio* Nice. Thank you, FEF.

        But I don’t want to be king. I’d rather live in a forest or a mountain. Like Gollum. Or maybe live in a black tower full of rats and mean things. I’d fit in there, you know, you know…

        Lambikins?! Hmm. That name is, the sudden, very suspect! Well, I could’ve. But he didn’t ask for one. And for two, I’m not a hero. I’m a mean thing, like I’ve said all along. And plus, my wound…

        Only ladies take that long, haha…

      • 74 FictionFan January 31, 2016 at 15:14

        *dazzled by the sparkling*

        Oh, you can’t be like Gollum, I’m sorry – even I didn’t find Gollum cute! But Sauron… hmm! I’ll have a think about that and get back to you…

        *laughs* OK, sweetikins, then. Better? Oh, for goodness sake! Come here and I’ll stitch the dadblamed wound for you! *takes out longest needle and some red thread*

        *haughty face* Yes, and that’s why we’re so much more beautiful than men…

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke February 1, 2016 at 14:51

        Sauron wasn’t cute! He was a shell of black steel! I say, you find everything cute! Gollum. I’ll have to be Gollum, then.

        *laughs* Much better…! *shies away* Do you know what you’re doing with that?

        Yes, men are just handsome. Not beautiful, see.

      • 76 FictionFan February 1, 2016 at 17:43

        Nooooo!!!!! I won’t let you be Gollum! I won’t! I won’t!!! Anyway, you’d hate it if I didn’t think you were cute… *nods decidedly*

        Well, I’ve never done it before, but really, how hard could it be? *threads needle*

        Yeah, all men are handsome, but some are more handsome than others… *drifts off into a little daydream*

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke February 2, 2016 at 14:19

        Haha…maybe I would… See? You’ve completely ruined me, the sudden. Then again, gollum was horrid. Not powerful at all. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be him.

        Can you practice on something else first?

        Not all men are handsome! Some are ugly, I say.

      • 78 FictionFan February 2, 2016 at 19:00

        *laughs and preens* I have, haven’t I? Plus he was slimy – never a good look…

        OK – hold out your leg then…

        True, very true – for a moment I had forgotten about Kenny…

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:53

        You have! Goodness. Would have it no other way, of course.

        My leg! Goodness. Look, a bird!

        Just glad you admitted he was a man… *sigh of relief*

      • 80 FictionFan February 3, 2016 at 18:01

        Awww! *whispers* Sweetie pumpkin pie!

        Don’t distract me just when I’m about to jab it in! Oops…

        *laughs* More or less anyway…

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:26

        Where? I don’t see him anywhere, the sudden.

        *gulps* I’m dying now, I suppose.

        Hey, hey! No taking that back.

      • 82 FictionFan February 4, 2016 at 16:16

        Here’s a mirror…

        Oh, you’ll be fine! *crosses fingers*

        *laughs*

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 15:02

        *screams in horror* What was that thing?!

        *professorish eye*

      • 84 FictionFan February 5, 2016 at 19:06

        *laughs* A sweetie pumpkin orc?

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:22

        Well, the first part sounds dreadful, but I’m digging the orc part.


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