At a Birthday Party, Blood Diets, and Old Fellows

professor speaks

So, the professor was having a seat.

Well, I mean, I was sitting. I wonder why it can’t be said ‘having a seat’?


It can, I’ve decided, the sudden.

Let’s start again:

professor speaks

The professor was having a seat. Period.

I was at this table with a few other chaps.

It was an old fellow’s birthday party, see. He was turning 95-years-old. That’s rather old, you must admit. Old enough to grow a beard.


Anyways and some, the professor was at the worthless table.

You know what I mean, I’m thinking.

At parties–big parties–there is always a table or a few that get filled by people no one wants to have speaks with.

That’s where I was sat. Well, not really. That’s where this professor sat, since it was the only free place left about, see.

Now, here’s the thing: Dinner conversations can be interesting.

Or even scary.

So, this professor, to play it safe, started things:

“Do you suppose we’ll get any cake?”


“Probably, probably,” the guy across from me said. “Now, look, did you all know there is this thing called a blood diet?”

“What in the world?” one girl said.

“Yes, yes,” the guy said, flopping his bangs around like water sloshes in a cup of wax and noodles. “It’s a diet…based on what blood type you are. Isn’t that fascinating?”

“Horrifying, you mean,” another girl said.

“No, no!” the guy said. “Not at all. See…”

And that’s when this professor interrupted. Time to change the subject, see.

“Do you suppose we’ll get any of the cake?”

“Who cares about that?” the guy said. “Listen, according to this blood diet–”

“I can’t take it anymore!!” another guy said. He had a pointy nose. “Stop talking about the bloody blood diet! NOW!

And he rose swiftly, crashing his chair back. The party sorta stopped.

We never got any cake.

Moral: Don’t have speaks about blood diets, and you’ll get some cake.

119 Responses to “At a Birthday Party, Blood Diets, and Old Fellows”

  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich February 9, 2016 at 21:44

    I feel for you, professor. I hate it when I have to sit at one of those tables at a party.

  2. 13 Hazy February 4, 2016 at 14:01

    Blood diet made me think of vampires initially, a diet eating (drinking?) blood… too bad there was no cake at the party. Were there any juice or punch at least? Now I’m craving for some red velvet.

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:14

      Me too! But what it is, is a diet based on what blood type you are. So it tells you what food groups are best and all that–if that makes sense. I know! No cake, no punch. It was awful. I was about to rampage, see!

  3. 15 Simply Skeptical February 2, 2016 at 23:44

    I’ve actually heard of blood diets. I wonder if there is any truth or benefit to it. Does O mean no 0 food? Oh fooey….. I’d rather just have the cake and not take any chances.

  4. 19 John W. Howell February 2, 2016 at 21:14

    Cake is the number one food group. Who ever heard of a diet that didn’t include cake? Blood diet or no.

  5. 35 A. Mouse February 2, 2016 at 18:12

    All diets require cake. That’s a law of some kind, isn’t it? If I was queen of everything, that would be a law.
    And all my loyal subjects would be very fat, but happy.

  6. 37 Susan P February 2, 2016 at 16:24

    That was a good thing…not getting cake. It’s always a chance.

  7. 62 FictionFan February 2, 2016 at 15:51

    Quite right! No-one under the age of 95 should grow a beard! *nods appreciatively* Now, the table may have been worthless before the Professor had a seat, but then it would have become worthful!

    If it’s chocolate cake, don’t forget to steal a piece for me – a big piece…

  8. 80 desertdweller29 February 2, 2016 at 15:50

    Next time, have seats at the kids table. You’ll get cake there. Plus, you can make up rules, like the biggest kid gets the biggest piece.

  9. 84 Debbie February 2, 2016 at 15:49

    Actually, I HAVE heard of the blood diet, though I’ve got to wonder if there’s anything to it. A 95-year-old birthday person? Gee, just think of all the changes the poor dear has seen in his lifetime!

    Sorry you didn’t get cake, Professor. I’d have insisted on some. I mean, who goes to a birthday party and doesn’t get cake?? A warrior like you could’ve taken a slice by force if necessary! Perhaps you need to brush up on your thieving skills?!?

    • 85 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:49

      I know! They were saying he was born when Calvin C was the president, can you believe!! Goodness. The blood diet is probably a hoax, you know.

      I know!!! Well, I went on a search to thieve some, but all I found was leftover shrimp. IT was a conspiracy I tell you.

  10. 86 L. Marie February 2, 2016 at 15:44

    That made me laugh out loud. One reason it did is because a friend just mentioned the blood type diet to me. :-)
    But how sad that you didn’t get any cake. I hope you went in search of cake. That’s what I would have done.

  11. 88 Heartafire February 2, 2016 at 15:15

    A fine moral to this story, I will take it to heart. I hate sitting at the table way in the back, I tower over those children and we are always last to get cake and they are bawling and seem to think I don’t belong there. I won’t mention the Blood diet. Have a lovely!

  12. 94 PorterGirl February 2, 2016 at 15:00

    Sounds like quite a party! You do go to a lot of parties, Professor. I have no doubt the sprightly 95 year old fellow had a smashing time. Did he have a beard like that? Now – I have heard of the blood diet and it sounds like a vexing thing. I advise people to try the Lucy Diet – if you are hungry, eat a thin. If you are not hungry, don’t eat a thing. If you are REALLY hungry, eat everything.

  13. 116 walt walker February 2, 2016 at 14:57

    If you can be told to “have a seat,” then you can absolutely be having a seat. My opinion, anyway.

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