At a Birthday Party, Blood Diets, and Old Fellows

professor speaks

So, the professor was having a seat.

Well, I mean, I was sitting. I wonder why it can’t be said ‘having a seat’?

Dadblameit!

It can, I’ve decided, the sudden.

Let’s start again:

professor speaks

The professor was having a seat. Period.

I was at this table with a few other chaps.

It was an old fellow’s birthday party, see. He was turning 95-years-old. That’s rather old, you must admit. Old enough to grow a beard.

images

Anyways and some, the professor was at the worthless table.

You know what I mean, I’m thinking.

At parties–big parties–there is always a table or a few that get filled by people no one wants to have speaks with.

That’s where I was sat. Well, not really. That’s where this professor sat, since it was the only free place left about, see.

Now, here’s the thing: Dinner conversations can be interesting.

Or even scary.

So, this professor, to play it safe, started things:

“Do you suppose we’ll get any cake?”

Cake-design-for-kids-birthday-picture

“Probably, probably,” the guy across from me said. “Now, look, did you all know there is this thing called a blood diet?”

“What in the world?” one girl said.

“Yes, yes,” the guy said, flopping his bangs around like water sloshes in a cup of wax and noodles. “It’s a diet…based on what blood type you are. Isn’t that fascinating?”

“Horrifying, you mean,” another girl said.

“No, no!” the guy said. “Not at all. See…”

And that’s when this professor interrupted. Time to change the subject, see.

“Do you suppose we’ll get any of the cake?”

“Who cares about that?” the guy said. “Listen, according to this blood diet–”

“I can’t take it anymore!!” another guy said. He had a pointy nose. “Stop talking about the bloody blood diet! NOW!

And he rose swiftly, crashing his chair back. The party sorta stopped.

We never got any cake.

Moral: Don’t have speaks about blood diets, and you’ll get some cake.

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119 Responses to “At a Birthday Party, Blood Diets, and Old Fellows”


  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich February 9, 2016 at 21:44

    I feel for you, professor. I hate it when I have to sit at one of those tables at a party.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:48

      Yes. We should rebel, Sonya. Do something beastly in such instances.

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich February 10, 2016 at 18:39

        That’s a great idea! Tipping the birthday cake over perhaps?

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke February 11, 2016 at 14:42

        Yes! And stealing all the good parts. You know, mess it up.

  2. 5 Jackie February 4, 2016 at 20:02

    Yum … cake!

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 15:07

      Cake is great. Especially, cherry cake!

      • 7 Jackie February 5, 2016 at 17:19

        I love red velvet cake! Dadblamit, Professor! Now I want cake.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:16

        Is that like chocolate?

      • 9 Jackie February 8, 2016 at 16:15

        Yes but more punchalicious!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:17

        Haha. That is a great word you came up with.

      • 11 Jackie February 9, 2016 at 14:18

        Thanks!

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:25

        *bows*

  3. 13 Hazy February 4, 2016 at 14:01

    Blood diet made me think of vampires initially, a diet eating (drinking?) blood… too bad there was no cake at the party. Were there any juice or punch at least? Now I’m craving for some red velvet.

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:14

      Me too! But what it is, is a diet based on what blood type you are. So it tells you what food groups are best and all that–if that makes sense. I know! No cake, no punch. It was awful. I was about to rampage, see!

  4. 15 Simply Skeptical February 2, 2016 at 23:44

    I’ve actually heard of blood diets. I wonder if there is any truth or benefit to it. Does O mean no 0 food? Oh fooey….. I’d rather just have the cake and not take any chances.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:55

      *laughs* Well, it does depend on the blood type, obviously. I think O can have lots of meats, except dark meats…something like that.

      • 17 Simply Skeptical February 3, 2016 at 20:49

        Well that works great since I don’t eat red meat and I’m type O. This is such an educational forum. :-)

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:28

        No red meat at all? We must change this. It’s important for muscles, see.

  5. 19 John W. Howell February 2, 2016 at 21:14

    Cake is the number one food group. Who ever heard of a diet that didn’t include cake? Blood diet or no.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:54

      *nods* I know. That’s why I was in complete shock at the moment. I’ll rebel for cake, you know.

      • 21 John W. Howell February 3, 2016 at 14:03

        Let the world eat cake!!! (rally cry)

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:17

        *Laughs* But she lost her head for that, kinda.

      • 23 John W. Howell February 3, 2016 at 21:51

        Old Marie? Well yes except you will be fighting for the right to eat cake not trying to pas off one need (bread) for another (cake)

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:10

        Haha. That’s sounds logic right there. Plus, I’m trying to buy up all the guillotines.

      • 25 John W. Howell February 4, 2016 at 15:34

        I happen to be allergic to guillotines so that is a good idea.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 14:58

        What should I do with them all?

      • 27 John W. Howell February 5, 2016 at 17:37

        Open a chain of hair cutting salons. Keep your fingers out of the way.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:16

        Imagine! “Introducing a new way to get a haircut…” Revolutionary.

      • 29 John W. Howell February 8, 2016 at 23:48

        When your patrons say they would like a close cut you roll out one of these babies.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:23

        *laughs* But just make sure to strap them into the chair beforehand.

      • 31 John W. Howell February 9, 2016 at 15:38

        With blindfold

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 21:02

        Hope it’s not an officer.

      • 33 John W. Howell February 9, 2016 at 23:45

        Give an officer a little off the top.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:51

        Make him remember. *evil laugh*

  6. 35 A. Mouse February 2, 2016 at 18:12

    All diets require cake. That’s a law of some kind, isn’t it? If I was queen of everything, that would be a law.
    And all my loyal subjects would be very fat, but happy.

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:51

      *Laughing* All diets need cake! With cherries! Yes, I like this, the sudden. I’ll vote for you queen-ship.

  7. 37 Susan P February 2, 2016 at 16:24

    That was a good thing…not getting cake. It’s always a chance.

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:51

      Now how is not getting cake a good thing?

      • 39 Susan P February 3, 2016 at 14:01

        Sometimes people get sick eating cake.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:17

        That’s true, I suppose. But what if it’s just a little piece?

      • 41 Susan P February 3, 2016 at 22:08

        Then it depends on the ingredients.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:11

        Salt is a good ingredient, I’ve learned.

      • 43 Susan P February 4, 2016 at 15:08

        It is a good thing to put into sores. Or so I’ve been told.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 14:57

        Probably dries the buggers right up. Sores are awful, I”ve heard.

      • 45 Susan P February 5, 2016 at 22:56

        They scream I’ve heard.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:23

        *laughs* What do they say?

      • 47 Susan P February 8, 2016 at 16:43

        Redrum

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:18

        That poor child.

      • 49 Susan P February 9, 2016 at 17:44

        Well, he survived, but the, um other ones didn’t.

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 21:07

        But he was probably effected forever…

      • 51 Susan P February 9, 2016 at 22:32

        Effected ? Or affected?

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:49

        Both, since I’m never sure which is right.

      • 53 Susan P February 10, 2016 at 14:10

        http://grammarist.com/usage/affect-https://widgets.wp.com/notifications/2291748623#effect/

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke February 11, 2016 at 14:30

        *hides*

      • 55 Susan P February 11, 2016 at 14:39

        Grabs your tail.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke February 11, 2016 at 14:45

        How’d you know I had a tail..? Goodness.

      • 57 Susan P February 11, 2016 at 14:47

        Let’s just put it that someone dropped a hint.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:22

        Aha! It was George. I knew he’d betray me if I told him.

      • 59 Susan P February 12, 2016 at 15:45

        Somebody needs to do it.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 20:55

        *huffs and puffs*

      • 61 Susan P February 13, 2016 at 02:22

        Are you ?

  8. 62 FictionFan February 2, 2016 at 15:51

    Quite right! No-one under the age of 95 should grow a beard! *nods appreciatively* Now, the table may have been worthless before the Professor had a seat, but then it would have become worthful!

    If it’s chocolate cake, don’t forget to steal a piece for me – a big piece…

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:50

      This fellow didn’t even have one! Aw, that’s a nice thing to say. The conversation was definitely interesting. But I just sat there. Looking like an orc.

      I didn’t even get to see the cake! But I think it was vanilla, don’t you know. Still will get you a huge piece.

      • 64 FictionFan February 3, 2016 at 17:56

        Perhaps he did, but just not on his face! Did you check his knees? Nice, but also true! Bet you were flirting with someone… *narrows eyes*

        Awww, thank you! *gets out the chocolate sauce and waits*

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:25

        *laughs* Knees? Goodness. I don’t believe it. Well, no, I was talking with the fellow across from me about the blood diet, haha.

        It was all gone!

      • 66 FictionFan February 4, 2016 at 16:20

        Yeah, must admit the thought if the blood diet doesn’t make me feel flirty either…

        *gasps* Whaaaaaatttt! Not good enough, sir! You must bake me one then!

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 15:05

        Well, it’s just what foods you can eat based on your blood type. See, it’s not a vampire thing, see.

        Bake one? Okay. How hard can it be? *calls BUS*

      • 68 FictionFan February 5, 2016 at 19:08

        Even so – I don’t really want to be thinking about blood when I’m eating. Unless I’m eating black pudding, of course…

        With chocolate icing…

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:22

        Have you had black pudding? #gross

      • 70 FictionFan February 8, 2016 at 18:49

        I cannot tell a lie – I’m quite partial to a bit of black pudding. It comes from having eaten it way back before I knew what it really was! The thought is yucketh, but the taste is yummeth…

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:22

        What’s it taste like? I imagine it’s really salty.

      • 72 FictionFan February 9, 2016 at 18:35

        Yes, and spicy. I don’t really know what’s in it apart from blood, but it does have a pretty unique taste – hard to describe. Apparently it’s actually really good for you – full of stuff like iron and zinc and suchlike. Must get some…

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 21:11

        Oh yes, I’m sure it’s good for you. Still. I wouldn’t eat it! What sort of blood is it, do you know?

      • 74 FictionFan February 10, 2016 at 01:40

        Pig blood! It does sound icky, but I don’t suppose it’s really any worse than eating meat, when you think about it…

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:55

        But…there’s no blood in meat! I mean…not like that. *gags and dies*

      • 76 FictionFan February 10, 2016 at 18:21

        Oh, there is! When you have a delicious rare steak and slice into it and all the blood runs out… mmm! And black pudding – well, the blood is sorta dried and black, so you wouldn’t know it was blood, if you didn’t know. You’ll love it! *arranges a truck load for delivery to the Professor*

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke February 11, 2016 at 14:41

        *makes scrunched up face* Um…yeah no. See…uhh…how about….well… *runs*

      • 78 FictionFan February 11, 2016 at 16:45

        At last! I’ve found a weapon to defeat the Professor! No more peashooters – in our next battle, I shall merely wave a black pudding at you…

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:35

        Hahahehe! Yes, that shall work. I’ll drop dead. Like a log being felled from a tree by the roots.

  9. 80 desertdweller29 February 2, 2016 at 15:50

    Next time, have seats at the kids table. You’ll get cake there. Plus, you can make up rules, like the biggest kid gets the biggest piece.

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:49

      But don’t the kids rebel against such rules?

      • 82 desertdweller29 February 3, 2016 at 15:26

        Show them who’s in charge, PVJ! (I recommend shin guard. They always kick the shins…)

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:22

        *covers shins* You’re right. They do. Goodness. Maybe I’ll threaten with a knife.

  10. 84 Debbie February 2, 2016 at 15:49

    Actually, I HAVE heard of the blood diet, though I’ve got to wonder if there’s anything to it. A 95-year-old birthday person? Gee, just think of all the changes the poor dear has seen in his lifetime!

    Sorry you didn’t get cake, Professor. I’d have insisted on some. I mean, who goes to a birthday party and doesn’t get cake?? A warrior like you could’ve taken a slice by force if necessary! Perhaps you need to brush up on your thieving skills?!?

    • 85 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:49

      I know! They were saying he was born when Calvin C was the president, can you believe!! Goodness. The blood diet is probably a hoax, you know.

      I know!!! Well, I went on a search to thieve some, but all I found was leftover shrimp. IT was a conspiracy I tell you.

  11. 86 L. Marie February 2, 2016 at 15:44

    That made me laugh out loud. One reason it did is because a friend just mentioned the blood type diet to me. :-)
    But how sad that you didn’t get any cake. I hope you went in search of cake. That’s what I would have done.

    • 87 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:48

      Haha, no way! The blood diet is restrictive, Linda! Stay away… *shudders*

      I did! All I found, can you believe, is a few left over shrimp. I nearly died.

  12. 88 Heartafire February 2, 2016 at 15:15

    A fine moral to this story, I will take it to heart. I hate sitting at the table way in the back, I tower over those children and we are always last to get cake and they are bawling and seem to think I don’t belong there. I won’t mention the Blood diet. Have a lovely!

    • 89 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:47

      See, Hollie, you should try to raise the children into an army. You know, your personal army. That’s something now.

      • 90 Heartafire February 3, 2016 at 14:00

        something everyone needs.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:16

        Yes, I need that and a few field cannons, I’ve decided.

      • 92 Heartafire February 3, 2016 at 22:05

        best to be prepared!

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:11

        That’s the truth. Goodness, it’s hard at times, tho.

  13. 94 PorterGirl February 2, 2016 at 15:00

    Sounds like quite a party! You do go to a lot of parties, Professor. I have no doubt the sprightly 95 year old fellow had a smashing time. Did he have a beard like that? Now – I have heard of the blood diet and it sounds like a vexing thing. I advise people to try the Lucy Diet – if you are hungry, eat a thin. If you are not hungry, don’t eat a thing. If you are REALLY hungry, eat everything.

    • 95 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:45

      Oh, he was roving about like a balloon. Oh no. He was a clean shaven chap. Very presentable, don’t you know. *laughs* Okay, the Lucy diet is amazing, it is true. The blood diet is too restrictive!

      • 96 PorterGirl February 3, 2016 at 14:26

        He sounds like my kind of fellow! I am glad a good time was had by all, certainly. Yes, the Lucy Diet has no restrictions whatsoever *laughs*

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:17

        No restrictions? Not even one?

      • 98 PorterGirl February 3, 2016 at 21:34

        Well no peas obviously.

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke February 4, 2016 at 14:09

        Yellow ones, too.

      • 100 PorterGirl February 4, 2016 at 14:23

        Ick! They are the very worst.

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke February 5, 2016 at 14:52

        *Shudders* Cause they’re discolored!

      • 102 PorterGirl February 5, 2016 at 15:10

        The most foul of all pea kind.

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:13

        *laughs* It’s only good for throwing in Mount Doom.

      • 104 PorterGirl February 8, 2016 at 15:23

        I feel a bit sorry for Mount Doom, in fact *laughs*

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke February 8, 2016 at 15:27

        Haha. Imagine how neat it would be to live there. Constantly swimming weather.

      • 106 PorterGirl February 8, 2016 at 15:33

        I think I would have to wear the ugly dress, you know.

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:15

        *nods* And a large hat. Though…there wouldn’t be a sun to get burnt, since the black clouds block most things out. Still…I’m sure there would be burns. Goodness…

      • 108 PorterGirl February 9, 2016 at 14:16

        It sounds rather interesting, that’s for sure. But, any excuse to wear a hat!

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:24

        Only bucket hats would be allowed, tho. I think Sauron might be a bit staunch on that point.

      • 110 PorterGirl February 9, 2016 at 14:24

        Pah. Hey ho – a hat is a hat!

      • 111 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 14:25

        Bucket hats are superior, tho!

      • 112 PorterGirl February 9, 2016 at 14:26

        Do you think? I only worry because my head isn’t shaped like a bucket. Well, not much.

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke February 9, 2016 at 20:58

        Hm. I’ve never thought on this. I do say it’s okay to wear a bucket hat without a bucket head. *nods*

      • 114 PorterGirl February 9, 2016 at 21:27

        In that case – bring on the bucket hats!

      • 115 Professor VJ Duke February 10, 2016 at 13:45

        Even the red ones!

  14. 116 walt walker February 2, 2016 at 14:57

    If you can be told to “have a seat,” then you can absolutely be having a seat. My opinion, anyway.

    • 117 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 13:44

      That’s a good opinion. It only makes sense. But you know how people are with sense these days. *shakes head sadly*

      • 118 FictionFan February 3, 2016 at 17:51

        *giggles* Poor old Prof!

      • 119 Professor VJ Duke February 3, 2016 at 21:24

        Now, now. It’s nothing a cherry cigar won’t fix.


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