Thieved by the King

If you have to steal something multiple times, does that make you stupid or dull or a victim of evil circumstances?

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

Untitled“Goodness me,” I said–almost immediately, too. “You want the Jeweled Katana? Everyone is after that dadblamery, you know, you know…”

King Arthur smiled slyly. “You don’t know why, do you?” His grin sorta took over his whole face. It was odd; unnerving; scary; I hoped I was hallucinating.

But I wasn’t.

“Well…” I began.

But Arthur cut me off.

“I’ll tell you: It’s because it’s very expensive!”

And he said it like it was a revelation.

“You don’t say…” this professor said.

“So, do we have a deal? The katana for your freedom?”

Now, what were the options? Not many to be found, and I was searching hard.

“Look here,”–and Arthur’s eyes were staring straight at my eyes; it was an eye-war, see–“done.”

I wasn’t planning on saying it, but saying it, I did.

There was no other way about it.

I’d get the katana back later.

Once Arthur had it fixed, hopefully. It’d be a whole sword again soon!

3310c07254942226dbbf256513bcdb51Now I know this professor was saying how it was wrong I stole the sword in order to stop further thieving earlier, but…that was earlier. I even said I had to give it back to Prince Beef. What a thing.

See here, things changed back to regular. After all, the professor is a warrior and warriors take swords. Plus, I was stopping further thieving by thieving, so it was a good cause.

Yeah, I must admit, the wound had muddied my mind earlier.

So, new plan: Thieve the sword from Arthur; make sure it gets fixed; and hang it on my wall back home.

Much better plan.

“Good,” Arthur said. “I’m glad you’re acting sensible finally.”

The woman standing off to the side of Arthur’s throne didn’t like things a bit.

“You told me he’d suffer for this!” she said, pointing to her cheek.

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Apologize, PVJ, would you?”

It was more of a command.

“Sure. Sorry.”

The woman stormed past, like a storm.

She was like this, but not as cool.

She was like this, but not as cool.

“I’ve got a question, the sudden,” I said once she was gone.

“Hmm?” Arthur replied. He was standing over by the katana, inspecting it.

Not really paying attention.

“Why did you offer me a deal when you could’ve just taken the sword?”

Arthur didn’t even turn around. “Because that woman was there. I had to make it seem like you could get punished if you didn’t pay some sort of retribution.” He spun around and faced me. “I am a just king, you know. But thank her if you see her again. If it wasn’t for her, you’d be in the dungeon. Or dead.”

Arthur laughed–a bit like a witch–and left the room.

th

Only this professor and the two guards remained.

“I’ve half a mind to beat his brains in!” one said, staring at me.

“No, no!” the other warned. “The king would have our heads.” Then to me: “Get out, dog!”

The professor left. I’d be back, of course.

I made my way through the town until I found a tavern. That’s when I got a meal and cleaned up my wound. (By the way, the wound wasn’t as bad as it seemed, once it was washed and bandaged. It’d be gone in no time, see. Still sore, yes, though.)

And as this professor sat in the tavern eating some sort of horrid beef stew and not drinking the fuzzy white ale, I knew a thing or two–or three:

It was time to steal the katana again. Was this really the third time I’d be stealing it? Stealing it again?!

Goodness.

What a life.

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131 Responses to “Thieved by the King”


  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich February 21, 2016 at 21:49

    The food in the tavern sounds as bad as some English food… though there is good food here too!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke February 22, 2016 at 14:41

      Ah, how do you find England?

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich February 24, 2016 at 23:33

        I’m in Oxford, a place of great intellects and medieval history. It’s filled with castle-like buildings! I think you would enjoy it, professor.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:42

        Oh wow…that is so cool. You must capture a castle for your own, at once!

  2. 5 FictionFan February 19, 2016 at 18:12

    Which bit was an Aerosmith quote then? Hmm… well, I love the entire Killer album most – brilliant stuff! if I had to pick just one track it’d probably be Halo of Flies… I think I’m going to go and have a Cooper-fest now…

    *picks it up and glues it back on* *stands back and looks* *pulls it off and glues it on again – the other way up*

    • 6 FictionFan February 19, 2016 at 18:13

      Oops, sorry – that was supposed to be a reply!

      • 7 Professor VJ Duke February 22, 2016 at 14:33

        But it wasn’t! *rampages*

      • 8 FictionFan February 24, 2016 at 22:11

        I said I was sorry!! *flounces off, laughing*

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:41

        *throws and oboe reed at FEF*

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke February 22, 2016 at 14:33

      Dream on! That’s one of their songs, don’t you know. You don’t know, do you? Haha. Tis okay. Better not to know. Cooler not to know. Congratulations for not knowing, the sudden! Okay, so I’m turning into a huge cooper fan, the sudden. The guitar riffs are just so addictive…

      Now, however will this work?

      • 11 FictionFan February 24, 2016 at 22:10

        *laughs* Then I must be incredibly cool! *laughs again* Oh no, what have I done?? No, you cannot have a hairdo like his, is that clear?? (But yes, they are…!)

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:41

        You are!! *nods* I’m poison! That’s just so cool to say. Yes, but…how about the makeup?

      • 13 FictionFan February 25, 2016 at 19:13

        Is Poison your fave then? Hmm… well, you can wear the make-up if you must, but only on Tuesdays.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:40

        Nah…I’ve got a whole bunch! I do like that guitar lick, though… Only for one video, maybe.

      • 15 FictionFan February 26, 2016 at 01:54

        What ones? Video? Video?!?!?!!!! VIDEO???? Are you going to do an AC video??? *jumps up and down in girlish glee*

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:16

        Poison…No More Mr. Nice Guy, School’s Out, House of Fire, Only Women Bleed…all of them, I think!! Haha. Yes, I’m working on it at the moment.

      • 17 FictionFan February 28, 2016 at 15:26

        Yay – can’t wait!!! Hurry up! Great choices! I don’t know House of Fire – after my time maybe – but I love School’s Out and Mr Nice Guy. Must make you love Halo of Flies though – how’s this for a guitar orchestra… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDXA3Rp1Cmg

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:53

        Poison is epic too! You must like that one. Ooo, that’s Orianthi in the middle! She’s rather cool.

      • 19 FictionFan February 29, 2016 at 17:46

        Yes, it’s great but of course the earlier stuff has added nostalgia value for me. Who, the weird blonde person? Is she famous then?

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 02:10

        Right, right. *laughs and tries not to* FEF, don’t be jealous! I don’t know why she’s weird…

      • 21 FictionFan March 1, 2016 at 19:04

        *narrows eyes* Jealous? Do I have need to be jealous?? *loads peashooter in readiness*

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:23

        I’m jealous she got to play with Alice. *rampages* It’s just funny you called her weird.

  3. 23 bardictale February 14, 2016 at 13:54

    Third time’s the charm? Perhaps you should let someone else plan the thieving.

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke February 15, 2016 at 15:23

      Are you up for it, Bard?

      • 25 bardictale February 15, 2016 at 18:09

        I don’t steal, sir.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2016 at 14:11

        Not even little chocolates?

      • 27 bardictale February 16, 2016 at 16:50

        Especially not those!

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2016 at 14:53

        You must hate chocolate then.

      • 29 bardictale February 18, 2016 at 19:49

        I love chocolate. But stealing is wrong. Especially if you can just get someone to give them to you, just by smiling^~

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2016 at 14:37

        But I can’t smile…why’s it wrong, Bard?

      • 31 bardictale February 20, 2016 at 16:53

        Are you asking a philosophical question, or a practical question?

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke February 22, 2016 at 14:39

        Umm…both!

      • 33 bardictale February 22, 2016 at 17:37

        Practical: it’s against the law. Philosophical: taking something that doesn’t belong to you without permission is not very nice.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2016 at 13:44

        But why’s it not nice, dadblameit? *stomps foot*

      • 35 bardictale February 23, 2016 at 13:46

        Do you like it when someone takes something of yours without asking?

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2016 at 13:49

        Well, I chop off their hands first. *gets katana*

      • 37 bardictale February 23, 2016 at 18:53

        Case in point.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke February 24, 2016 at 14:28

        Whoa. That’s a deep saying right there.

      • 39 bardictale February 24, 2016 at 17:01

        Here’s another: cookie?

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:34

        Peanut butter?

      • 41 bardictale February 25, 2016 at 20:59

        Sure.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:43

        I think it’s supposed to be good for you.

      • 43 bardictale February 26, 2016 at 09:57

        It probably is, professor.

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:27

        But it’s so yucketh.

      • 45 bardictale February 27, 2016 at 17:35

        Are you insulting peanut butter?

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:50

        Ripping it to its core!

      • 47 bardictale February 29, 2016 at 17:34

        No cookies for you!

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 02:02

        But whyever not?

      • 49 bardictale March 1, 2016 at 10:32

        Because you are insulting peanut butter!

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:11

        But Mr. Peanut Butter doesn’t have any feelings!!

      • 51 bardictale March 3, 2016 at 18:31

        Now, how would you know that? Have you asked him?

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:26

        I did…right before I ate him!

      • 53 bardictale March 5, 2016 at 17:56

        Oh! You are so cruel!

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:45

        *laughs* Wicked, you know.

      • 55 bardictale March 7, 2016 at 21:00

        True.

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:22

        Now you hate me.

      • 57 bardictale March 9, 2016 at 16:28

        Hey now, don’t go ascribing other people emotions. One would think you are trying to take over the world.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 13:58

        But I am, of course.

      • 59 bardictale March 10, 2016 at 14:02

        Poo.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 14:06

        Now that is a horrid thing to say. Must mean I win.

      • 61 bardictale March 10, 2016 at 14:17

        No. It means that I blew some air threw my nose.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 13:55

        Oh rats. Thought it was a victory for sure.

      • 63 bardictale March 12, 2016 at 21:32

        *grins*

  4. 64 A. Mouse February 13, 2016 at 18:30

    Women are never as cool as storms. But stealing the katana yet again? Tsk tsk, your hands must not be as sticky as you think if it keeps slipping from your grasp!

    • 65 Professor VJ Duke February 15, 2016 at 15:21

      Never ever ever? Still, what a thing, I say. I mean, you must give me credit for stealing it a few times. I think we need to put glue in my hands.

  5. 66 Simply Skeptical February 12, 2016 at 00:52

    That witch looks familiar. Does she pass out red apples? Give one to beef pattie good opportunity to re-borrow that katana (harsh words such a steal need not be used) same end result. :-)

    • 67 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:39

      I like using thieve best. It shocks people, see. People don’t wanna be a thief. But I don’t mind.

  6. 68 John W. Howell February 11, 2016 at 23:01

    Steel your resolve. Steal back into the Castle. Steal the sword. Good plan.

    • 69 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:39

      Hahahehe. I like this steely plan, the sudden. I shall be victorious! What about Prince Beef…should I give it back to him?

  7. 70 L. Marie February 11, 2016 at 17:00

    Maybe you should leave the katana where it is and instead retrieve the katana you already own. Then travel about the countryside doing good deeds. Remind yourself that you are not Kylo Ren or some other villain. You are the Professor.

    • 71 Debbie February 11, 2016 at 19:59

      Pretty sure he doesn’t know Kylo Ren since he didn’t see the movie — go figure!

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:38

        I’ve heard he was a pretty bad Sith…

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:37

      But Kylo is a Sith! Wouldn’t it be cool if the professor was a Sith? You know it might be, you know. It just might be, see. But you do have a point. I should go pick up my weapon arsenal at home. Then come back for the sword. I like how you think, the sudden.

  8. 74 PorterGirl February 11, 2016 at 16:48

    Good to see you back to your regular, warrior-self, P.VJ – I was getting worried there for a bit! That katana is yours, I say – and nothing to stop you having it! It would look very fine on your wall, and also through the hearts of your enemies. Shame about the stew. You should have found a nice Chinese restaurant.

    • 75 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:36

      *laughing* Ah, yes! Very good to see you backing up my vicious ways. After all, it has to be that way. And that girl…if she would’ve dodged we’d have been fine, right? Right. It was equally her fault. Art can’t treat me this way! Why, I’ll cut off his ears!

      • 76 PorterGirl February 14, 2016 at 08:09

        You are quite the vicious beast, you know! And I would say it was more the girl’s fault anyway, she should pay closer attention to things. If you cut his ears off, he won’t be able to wear sunglasses *laughs*

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke February 15, 2016 at 15:23

        Hahahahahaha! That’s so true. Never mind about looking odd, he wouldn’t be able to wear sunglasses, which would be awful. No more red sunglasses. (not that he wears them) Yes, girls attack me for no reason.

      • 78 PorterGirl February 15, 2016 at 15:25

        It is a cruel punishment, certainly! Hmm – ‘no reason’, you say? I could probably think of one or two very good reasons!

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2016 at 14:06

        *laughs* Yes! That’s what I’m thinking. I mean, since you’re a girl, they must be girly reasons, see.

      • 80 PorterGirl February 16, 2016 at 14:11

        I couldn’t possible comment, Professor. Well – I could, but probably shouldn’t *laughs*

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke February 16, 2016 at 14:13

        Hmm! Probably something very naughty, I’m thinking! *laughs* Dadblameit.

      • 82 PorterGirl February 16, 2016 at 14:14

        Now, you know I am not naughty at all. Just ask my Nan!

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2016 at 14:48

        And mum, of course…haha.

      • 84 PorterGirl February 18, 2016 at 14:54

        Ahem. Well… maybe don’t ask mum…

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2016 at 15:06

        I already did! #wins

      • 86 PorterGirl February 18, 2016 at 15:08

        Eeeekk! You beast. You always win. And how wicked of mum to side with you. She likes you best, I think.

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2016 at 14:27

        I had to gift her with a short sword and five daggers first, tho.

      • 88 PorterGirl February 20, 2016 at 12:43

        *nods* She can be demanding like that. Gosh, now I wonder what she will get up to with those…

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke February 22, 2016 at 14:38

        Probably things that are no good. Which is good. So all’s good, see.

      • 90 PorterGirl February 22, 2016 at 14:49

        I somehow agree all is good, despite the growing feeling of dread…

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke February 23, 2016 at 13:40

        Just stay on her good side is all.

      • 92 PorterGirl February 23, 2016 at 13:56

        Hmm! I had best do that. As long as I am not naughty, all will be fine.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke February 24, 2016 at 14:19

        Which will be hard for you.

      • 94 PorterGirl February 24, 2016 at 16:07

        Hmm! It shall be as easy as staying on a log. Or is it falling off a log? Oh dear. Perhaps you are right.

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:28

        Probably both. When you’re confused by a figure of speech, use both. *nods* That’s a good rule.

      • 96 PorterGirl February 25, 2016 at 15:15

        Oh yes I like that thinking. I shall adopt it at once.

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:30

        And keep it forever. *nods*

      • 98 PorterGirl February 26, 2016 at 09:04

        Forever and a day *nods*

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:25

        And a day? Now that’s something.

      • 100 PorterGirl February 26, 2016 at 21:10

        The extra day is most important.

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:45

        It’s thrown in for kicks.

      • 102 PorterGirl February 29, 2016 at 14:16

        And giggles. Don’t forget the giggles.

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 01:48

        *laughs* They’re just as important as the kicks!

      • 104 PorterGirl March 1, 2016 at 08:52

        If not more so! Although, kicks are fairly critical.

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:09

        They can be. Can kill, I’ve heard.

      • 106 PorterGirl March 2, 2016 at 19:33

        Really? I shall be on my guard in that case.

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke March 3, 2016 at 14:38

        Guard thyself. That’s what all the famous philosophers say.

      • 108 PorterGirl March 3, 2016 at 16:22

        Is it? Then I am hardly one to argue. *Guards myself*

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:19

        Or something like that. It sounds familiar. Maybe it was know thyself?

      • 110 PorterGirl March 4, 2016 at 17:35

        Oooh yes – I think it was. Well, who knows me better than me? Super!

      • 111 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:36

        Maybe Terry!

      • 112 PorterGirl March 7, 2016 at 21:02

        I think it was definitely Terry, the sudden.

      • 113 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:22

        He’s such a bugger.

      • 114 PorterGirl March 9, 2016 at 14:27

        He came in this morning, soaking wet and wanting a cuddle. Then he cleaned his feet on my bed! The beast.

      • 115 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:45

        No respect! You should throw him in the bath!

      • 116 PorterGirl March 9, 2016 at 14:48

        I may very well do that this evening! Especially if he smells as bad as he did earlier…

      • 117 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 13:52

        Haha. You must!

  9. 118 walt walker February 11, 2016 at 15:46

    Why did you have to show me that picture of that man-witch. Now it will haunt my days. Plus, it’s not polite to clean your wound at the table.

    • 119 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:28

      Well, here’s the thing, Mr. Walt, that might be the thing strutting about your house. Once you recognize it for what it is (a man-witch) there’s no need to be afeared of it. It’s quite a sad thing.

  10. 120 Debbie February 11, 2016 at 15:45

    I agree with FF — a proper apology is in order. If it makes you feel better, even knights of old were chivalrous! As for stealing that katana a third time — seriously? I’m sure if you used your charms, you could get Art to part with it…after all, what good is a weapon unless it’s in the hands of one who knows how, and plans, to use it?? And don’t get me started on that “little” wound of yours *stern face* — unless, of course, you’re just protecting us from the gory details, in which case, I thank you!

    • 121 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:26

      Double now, now…the professor can’t apologize, for I’m heartless. See? We take these things for granted. Without a heart, proper apologies cannot happen at all. The professor is a rogue not a knight. This is a truth hear round the world, see.

      Well, I shall attempt charm…or maybe not! Maybe I’ll just sneak in and nab it in the night! #cool

      My wound was horrid! Once upon a time…

  11. 122 FictionFan February 11, 2016 at 15:34

    First off, I plead the Fifth on Shnoddy’s question on the grounds that it may incriminate you…

    Secondly. Pah! Bah! And tchah! What a surprise that your little wound is… little! Men! Such fusspots!!

    Thirdly, go straight back, find that poor woman, and make a proper apology, sir! Are you a knightly warrior or a clumsy oaf?? This is the question we must ask ourselves. *asks herself and shakes head* Chocolate and flowers as a minimum, and a bit of grovelling…

    Fourthly, I am deeply concerned that you seem to have fallen off the moral highground again. Perhaps you tripped because your laces weren’t tied properly…

    • 123 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 14:25

      Hey…can you plead the 5th for someone else? *considers*

      Oh no, it’s just that I heal super quick. I’m like Mr. Incredible. Only my hair is a bit different.

      *laughs* You’d hate me to go back and you know it! Still, I’d only go if it was the professorish way, which, at the minute, it might not be. Also, I don’t really care much about her. She should’ve dodged herself. I’m a firm believer that if everyone is playing Dodge, then less collisions will happen. *nods*

      Bah to morals! The professor defines his own, the sudden. ‘Cause I really want to keep the sword, see.

      • 124 FictionFan February 12, 2016 at 17:35

        I just did! *proud face*

        *laughs* You’ll never know how happy it makes me that you don’t look like Mr Incredible…

        Well, Mr Oaf, so be it! I hope you can dodge when hordes of irate, wooden-shoed women come after you for revenge…

        This is not the Professor we once knew! I’m even more sure now that DS has taken you over – or perhaps you’ve fallen under bad influences…

      • 125 Professor VJ Duke February 12, 2016 at 21:00

        *laughs* I walked right into that.

        Oh, come on! That red suit is really, really coolio.

        Mr. Oaf? Hmm. That’s not quite right! Well, if I get charged, I shall defend. With the katana, of course. Then again, I left mine at home, and the other one has been stolen from me.

        Bad influences might be it. Oh, fine…what should I do? Tell me.

      • 126 FictionFan February 13, 2016 at 02:01

        *laughs* You’re just trying to prove me wrong about your wonderful dress sense, aren’t you…?

        Aha! Defenceless, sir! Well, I hope they don’t decide to dance a clog dance on you…

        You should… you should… you should… perform some great deed of mighty valour that persuades them all to give you the katana as a reward! Something like… like… like… hmmm…

      • 127 Professor VJ Duke February 15, 2016 at 15:15

        It’s a red, tight suit! Perfect for sports and whatnot. Plus, he beat a pretty advanced robot with it. #MustHaveIt

        Oh no…I got my two fists, my head, and my nose!

        *laughs* This means I win, right?

      • 128 FictionFan February 16, 2016 at 18:35

        I don’t care if he saved the universe – you still can’t have one! #DreamOn

        Not your pretty pink nose!!! You might spoil it!

        Certainly not!! I’m sure I did!!

      • 129 Professor VJ Duke February 18, 2016 at 14:58

        Oooo, quoting Aerosmith lyrics, are ya! Which reminds me…do you know the song Poison by Alice Cooper?

        I don’t have one of those, thanks the goodnesses.

        Nah. #DreamOn

      • 130 FictionFan February 18, 2016 at 17:02

        Am I??? Perhaps they were quoting me… *narrows eyes*

        I do a bit, though it was after my real Alice Cooper period. Why?

        *gasps* Have you lost it? Oh, noooooo!!!!!!

      • 131 Professor VJ Duke February 19, 2016 at 14:33

        *laughs* WOB would’ve known!! It’s so funny you didn’t, tho… Okay, so what was your fav AC tune, then?

        I threw it away, it’s true.


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