A Team To Thieve

No pain, no gain. Unless you’re eating loads of ice cream. Then there’s lots of gain and no pain.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledNow, here’s the thing: When you’re being followed, don’t get too jumpy. Or cranky.

That’s the key.

You just have to be like, “Yo, hey, yep-yep.” (That’s just an example of something to say. I really probably wouldn’t say that, notice.)

Anyways and sums, this professor was being followed.

Being followed.

Being followed.

And that’s why the professor did what everyone should do when being followed.

I spun around, hands on hips, and waited for them.

They were shocked–there were two of them, see. I could tell by how they stopped abruptly before starting back up again.

Spinning always throws the opposition off. That's why Jedi and Sith do it.

Spinning always throws the opposition off. That’s why Jedi and Sith do it.

Eventually, they stopped within two feet of me.

That was close; the professor was feeling claustrophobic, the sudden.

And I knew who it was: Daddy Salami and his son, Ruber.

“Hey,” Salami said. “We heard ya escaped Fat Man Island. And me boss wants ya back, turtle-cur!”

“Yeah,” Ruber put in. “Who do you think you are trying to escape, huh?”

“Not trying,” I noted. “I did escape. But what happened to Parker and Schwarz?”

“Oh them,” Ruber said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “They got away. But who cares, eh?”

Salami turned and looked at Ruber. “Cur!” he said, with a hit to his shoulder. “We care!”

Ruber just chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Whatevah.”

“So what do you two chaps want?” I asked.

“You know what,” Salami said, his green eyes flashing. “We want the katana ya stole, cur-face.”

Aha! This was working superbly. A plan was brewing in my professorish mind, see. It was a great plan, double-see. It was a plan to get the katana back, triple-see.

“I don’t have it,” I answered.

“What?!” Salami’s mouth fell open like a trout dropping from a waterfall.

There's a trout in there somewhere, I'm sure of it. If you look closely.

There’s a trout in there somewhere, I’m sure of it. If you look closely.

“Can you believe this guy?” Ruber said.

It was more of a statement. I don’t think he really cared about the whole thing. My guess, Fats Henry hired Daddy Salami as a henchman. Salami brought Ruber aboard for extra help. That was my professorish guess, see.

“Well, where is it?” Salami asked in a low, raspy voice. “Give it here, cur!”

“Here’s the thing, King Arthur has it.”

“Hehaha,” Salami laughed. “Arty…does he, does he? We’re gonna steal it from him. And you’re gonna help!”

“When are we going to do this?” Ruber asked. “I’m sorta famished at the moment.”

“Tonight,” Salami replied.

It was mission time.

PL Symbol


103 Responses to “A Team To Thieve”

  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich February 29, 2016 at 16:51

    Whenever Salami is involved, you know there is going to be some double-crossing… and obsession with undeserving offspring.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 02:01

      I know, right? You’ve got him pegged, Sonya–awesome job! Still, there’s something likable about him, huh?

      • 3 Sonya Solomonovich March 1, 2016 at 14:16

        Yes, though not in a romantic way!

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:15

        Oh yes. Not romantic is all is he. Not at all. Like the professor that way.

  2. 5 Simply Skeptical February 27, 2016 at 16:33

    Dear Professor honesty is always the best policy. This is a good task return the katana to its rightful owner and you will feel much better. You want to sleep at night don’t you?

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:50

      Well, haven’t been having too many problems with that. The professor doesn’t lie, he just tells some untruths all the time, see.

  3. 7 Jackie February 25, 2016 at 23:54

    If there is too much gain from eating ice cream there certainly is a lot of pain! Both emotionally and physically. Just saying.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:10

      You have an epic point as always. After ice cream, one must work out a bit, in truth.

      • 9 Jackie February 26, 2016 at 14:12

        Why thank you, Professor! Indeed, working out is advisable if you indulge in wonderful things like ice cream.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:30

        Yes…it sure is. The professor works out and does jiu jitsu, ’cause I’m a warrior after all.

  4. 11 L. Marie February 25, 2016 at 15:02

    Make sure you have that steel baton! (I almost typed “steal baton,” which would have been appropriate, given the mission.) It has saved your bacon once. But if you’re wounded this time, despite having that steel baton, well, you have only yourself to blame!

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:30

      *laughs* Yes, you’re very right! I”ll make sure that’s tucked safely with me. And when I get home I’m getting some throwing knives and the katana!

  5. 13 erinkenobi2893 February 25, 2016 at 14:23

    Sounds exciting! Yes, do steal the katana from Arthur! He’s annoying!

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:44

      Isn’t he? Plus, he stole it from me, the bugger.

      • 15 erinkenobi2893 February 25, 2016 at 14:47

        That’s true too…
        Wow, that picture looks so photoshopped–Obi-Wan fighting Maul, I mean.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:27

        I know, right? That’s just not Obi’s style at all. I mean, at all.

      • 17 erinkenobi2893 February 26, 2016 at 03:56

        He looks like someone was hanging him from the ceiling!

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:24

        It’s one of your attacks, isn’t it?

      • 19 erinkenobi2893 March 1, 2016 at 05:08

        ….I attack using Photoshop…
        I wouldn’t dare to hang him from the ceiling, you see. :-P

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:09

        Oh, you should, tho.

      • 21 erinkenobi2893 March 3, 2016 at 15:52

        And I’ll photoshop a mustache onto Maul! X-D

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:18

        A blond one!

      • 23 erinkenobi2893 March 6, 2016 at 22:28

        YES! >:-D
        DISRUPTINGLY blond! X-D

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:46

        This will be epic.

      • 25 erinkenobi2893 March 8, 2016 at 01:13


  6. 26 John W. Howell February 24, 2016 at 22:51

    You certainly handled them well, professor. I think they fell for your clever ruse.Or is it clever rose? I never could keep that straight.

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:42

      Well, rose just looks bad, since it makes me look sweet. Let’s go with ruse. *nods* Wasn’t that something? Now to get the sword. If he still has it, mind.

      • 28 John W. Howell February 25, 2016 at 19:55

        ON TO THE SWORD!!!!!

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:42

        It’s going to be mine again soon. I’ll let you visit with it.

  7. 30 FictionFan February 24, 2016 at 21:09

    Is “yo, hey, yep-yep” American for something? Or just the sound Kenny makes when he runs out of breath? Don’t tell Ruber about the trout in the waterfall – he’ll want to make one of his famous fish dishes… *gags*

    The Old Sausage is kinda rubbish at his job, isn’t he? It’s not surprising my Schwarzy escaped since he’s such a mastermind, but Daniel and even you escaped too! You should tell him he’s rubbish… *chuckles wickedly*

    • 31 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:38

      *laughs* It’s professorish, of course! I’ve never heard anyone say it. Poor Kenny. Though my new music hero is Alice Cooper. I’ve moved on, see. But I still love Kenny, I think. Fish dishes are always bad!!

      Well, Parker probably helped Schwarz escape, you know. Yes, I bet he did. Yeah, DS isn’t doing too good these days. Goodness. I wonder how much he costs? Not worth it.

      • 32 FictionFan February 25, 2016 at 19:07

        That’s a pity – I thought it might be a secret code. *gasps* Poor Kenny indeed! His one fan has moved on?? I bet his hair will fall out! Mr Cooper is certainly more worthy of Professorial admiration, however. Fish fingers are nice though…

        Parker!! Of course, it was Parker, not Daniel – silly me! It’s just ‘cos I’m missing my Daniel so much, I s’pose. Tuppence.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:38

        *laughs* That’s not nice to Mr. Kenny! I bet he has millions of fans! AC is deadly cool. I’m poison. Did I say that already? Probably.

        Haha…you actually confused Danny with Parker? Haha.

      • 34 FictionFan February 26, 2016 at 01:46

        Yeah, but only people who haven’t discovered Alice! You may have mentioned it, yes! *laughs* What has brought on this sudden enthusiasm for him?

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:12

        I’m not sure, really. I think I like the costumes and stuff that he puts on. I’ve known about him for a while, but never really listened, see.

      • 36 FictionFan February 28, 2016 at 15:21

        The thing is he’s actually a great performer under all that makeup and stuff. Did you know his real name is Vincent something-or-other? And he’s a born-again Christian…

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:52

        He is an awesome performer! I did and I did! Isn’t that interesting? His dad is a preacher, I think. So is his wife’s dad. That’s rather cool.

      • 38 FictionFan February 29, 2016 at 17:40

        *laughs* You have to wonder what his Dad thought when he was starting out…

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 02:05

        From what I’ve heard, everyone in his dad’s parish said he was demon possessed. But his dad stood by him. He did struggle a while there until he got back on track.

      • 40 FictionFan March 1, 2016 at 19:02

        *laughs* You know far more about him than me now, I think! But yes, well done to him for getting off the drink and drugs – he seems like a fairly decent chap under all the act.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:23

        *blushes* I must admit, I’ve been watching stuff on him as well as listening to his music.

      • 42 FictionFan March 3, 2016 at 00:48

        Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying him. *smiles*

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke March 3, 2016 at 14:48

        Now he just needs to invite me to play with him.

      • 44 FictionFan March 3, 2016 at 19:26

        Perhaps he will…

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:28

        Wouldn’t that be something?

      • 46 FictionFan March 4, 2016 at 18:40

        No video yet? *taps foot impatiently*

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:41

        What sort of video are you looking for?

      • 48 FictionFan March 7, 2016 at 23:24

        Hmm… how about… a gorgeous and talented man playing Alice Cooper songs? Nah, you’re right – where would I find that? *sobs a bit*

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:26

        I would offer my services, but I fear I can’t compete with someone who is gorgeous. *nods decidedly*

      • 50 FictionFan March 9, 2016 at 19:31

        Aww, so modest! But you’ll do…

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 14:03

        *laughs* I think I was just ripped somehow. But I like the “you’ll do” part, Lila.

      • 52 FictionFan March 10, 2016 at 19:26

        *laughs* Oh, you know I think you’re gorgeous – even with my specs on! Lila? Who’s Lila? *narrows eyes suspiciously*

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:05

        *laughs* Even with your specs on! That’s because…that’s because… *hides*

        She was this super cool villain in a book I just read.

      • 54 FictionFan March 11, 2016 at 17:13

        Because what…??

        Ooh, then I quite like it! *villainous look*

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:04

        Because…hey, look!

        Yes, but she ended up dying, I fear.

  8. 56 progbeawr831 February 24, 2016 at 18:20

    Ninja Pandas did it whilst rummaging through the garbage bins at Sandwich Express at exactly 3:37a.m. Be wary of those…… Purple cows that fall out of the sky as they Blitzkrieg your lawn! just remember….Ninja Pandas!

    • 57 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:36

      Ninja pandas! You mean like Po? Sorta? I already fear him since he’s that dragon warrior chap. Here, hold my katana.

      • 58 progbeawr831 February 25, 2016 at 17:59

        Just don’t test the wookie or else you’ll have to porple the zingle! Sure, Which end of that katana do I hol…. OWWWWWW!!!!!!

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:37

        *laughs* Yes, that’s a thing not to do, you’re quite right. Goodness. It is something I might’ve done, too, don’t you know.

      • 60 progbeawr831 February 26, 2016 at 00:44

        Ya know, Katanas are good for slashing cold cuts and it’s fun to toss hard-boiled eggs in the air and slice and dice them! Pfffftttt… Who needs a Ginsu?!

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:11

        See, that’s the thing, I always miss the eggs when I try to slash them. There must be a secret.

      • 62 progbeawr831 February 26, 2016 at 17:57

        one must become the egg Grasshopper!

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:42

        Hahaha. I like grasshoppers.

      • 64 progbeawr831 February 29, 2016 at 16:27

        BTW, if you go to my site and go to “About Progbeawr831” beside the picture of my head there’s two baggies on the wall, the top one is the snake skin sheddings! Underneath is the remnants of a wasp’s nest!

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 01:57

        Ooo, wasps’s nest? I’m going right now…hold on…now that is super cool. I’m coming to study in your study.

  9. 66 Susan P February 24, 2016 at 17:47

    *susan sneaks away from the fighters and runs*

    • 67 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:35

      Don’t run from the fight! *goes after Susan*

      • 68 Susan P February 25, 2016 at 14:53

        Susan hides and throws sticky candy at him.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:28

        That’ll work… *eats it all*

  10. 70 Heartafire February 24, 2016 at 17:06

    Have you considered surrendering a “duplicate” katana to the dastardly “followers”,stalkers if you will. I have a friend , he does wonderful Katana work, he can get you one that will pass, then every one is happy. Turtle -cur, oh they must suffer for that one. Mission on for sure.

    • 71 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:34

      That’s a great idea! You mean, make a fake one…and hand it around? Genius!

      • 72 Heartafire February 25, 2016 at 14:58

        yes, I am.

      • 73 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:30

        Now, now! No patting yourself on the back. It’s quite impossible, see.

      • 74 Heartafire February 26, 2016 at 12:07

        I’m just going along with the general concensus. Oops. Broke my arm.

      • 75 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:28

        Now…how did you do that?

      • 76 Heartafire February 26, 2016 at 16:48

        by patting yourself on the back.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:39

        *laughing* You shouldn’t put your arms in such odd…positions, see. Lesson learned.

      • 78 Heartafire February 29, 2016 at 14:41

        Everyone needs a pat on the back. I can barely reach.

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 01:54

        *laughs* Everyone does. Why, even rocks enjoy, you know. They like getting tumbled and shined up.

      • 80 Heartafire March 1, 2016 at 03:22

        laughs out loud…yes, I see that all the time, they like rolling around, getting all spiffy.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:08

        And worth more.

  11. 82 PorterGirl February 24, 2016 at 16:15

    WooHoo! Mission time. My second favourite time, after dinner time, obviously. The chap in the ‘being followed’ picture has your hair, I see. I hope he gave it back afterwards.
    Now this is most exciting and it seems you are destined to steal the katana after all! Rubber always makes me laugh. I feel that we could be related.

    • 83 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:30

      Does he have my hair? That humdinger. He stole it. Now I’ll have to get that back too. *sighs* Too much thieving going on, I fear.

      I think you and Ruber would get on, for sure. I do hope I get the katana back, you know.

      • 84 PorterGirl February 25, 2016 at 15:18

        So much thieving for such a sunny day, wonders will never cease. I sincerely hope you win back the katana, too – and I refuse to doubt that you can do it! That katana is destined to you, I say.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:32

        I mean, I’ve definitely worked hard for it, you must admit. It’s no easy task thieving it like this. Goodness, I’m just tired thinking on it.

      • 86 PorterGirl February 26, 2016 at 09:09

        It is an epic endeavour, certainly. Your hard work needs rewards, I say!

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke February 26, 2016 at 14:26

        I know. Like a bag of cherry lolly’s, I think. Yes, that’s it.

      • 88 PorterGirl February 26, 2016 at 21:12

        Exactly it! What a thing.

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke February 29, 2016 at 13:46

        A wonderful, wonderful thing, mind you.

      • 90 PorterGirl February 29, 2016 at 14:17

        Double wonderful at that.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke March 1, 2016 at 01:49


      • 92 PorterGirl March 1, 2016 at 08:52

        Goodness! Now I feel spicy.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke March 2, 2016 at 19:10

        You should, after all.

      • 94 PorterGirl March 2, 2016 at 19:35

        *is spicy*

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke March 3, 2016 at 14:38


  12. 96 Debbie February 24, 2016 at 15:45

    You haven’t exactly agreed to go along with this dastardly plan, have you, Professor? I mean, how many times have these two tried to get their hands on that katana anyway? Wait, I know. You’re just going to pretend to go along with them, then somehow thieve it back when they’re otherwise occupied, right? Yeah, good idea!! *nods approvingly*

    • 97 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:28

      Yes! I’m going to thieve it back. After all, we must keep our hands on the katana or bad things can happen. Do you think Arthur still has it?

  13. 98 desertdweller29 February 24, 2016 at 15:27

    Good luck, Professor. Don’t get sidetracked this time by pretty women wearing wooden shoes, or cowboy frogs riding beetles. And certainly, don’t trust The Salami! God speed.

    • 99 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:25

      *laughs* I don’t get distracted by women in wooden shoes, do I? Nah, you made that up, the sudden! Yes, Salami can’t be trusted.

  14. 100 Lady Dunamis February 24, 2016 at 15:27

    I am quite excited that live in Texas. I will be perusing my LTC (license to carry) and I won’t have to conceal it. But I must say, having a katana is a sweet addition.

    • 101 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 14:24

      *fist thingy* Get a glock, haha. I think you love it. But yes, katanas are cooler. When you have them on your back!

      • 102 Lady Dunamis February 25, 2016 at 14:58

        Looking to purchase a Charter Arms Lady revolver. I know it has to be larger than a .33 to take the classes and test, and man is it expensive, but she’s a beauty.

        I was thinking about taking self defense or karate classes. Of course should I take that route I will feel compelled to purchase a katana👍

      • 103 Professor VJ Duke February 25, 2016 at 23:29

        Ooo, sounds like an awesome gun, Lady. You’ll be a pro in no time.

        Do it! I take MMA, which is just awesome! Jiu Jitsu is such fun. Even though I’m quite dull at it.

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